This needs to be said here

[MrWright]

I am a regular poster of this forum, but out of fear of retaliation and my good name being smeared here, I am posting on another name because, after seeing these posts lately in this section, which I rarely had ever visited, I feel I have the right to defend myself and others like me.

 

I am a married man,who has been married for many years. That's all I will say about my personal life because some of you know too much about me already and will put two and two together.

 

However, what most of you don't know is that I am married to my second wife-----who started out as my other woman.

 

I have been saddened, not to mention sometimes angered lately by the amount of posters who take it upon themselves to decide whose relationship is "real" and whose it not. You don't know really anything about anyone here, or their whole stories, and especially the party who is not here to explain their part, not they should have to explain themselves to a group of strangers whose sole purpose is meant to offer support.

 

Here's my story, it won't take too long. My first wife and I married. We stayed married for a few years and all was fine, and then she started to drift away from me, partying with her friends again like we were back in college, even when we were home together, we weren't really...together, if that makes sense. I was always left with the responsibility on my shoulders, everything that needed taken care of was left to me. Our sex life became non-existent, but that was the least of our troubles. I felt like I was living with a child. Now, she didn't treat me badly, she just treat me like anything, not a husband, not a friend, she was just there. I was good to her, because I still loved her and still cared.

 

So to cut it short, after quite some time of this, I did meet someone else. I knew it was different this time, and I was right. We were friends first, and it developed into close bond that did not become sexual until well after we met. I do consider most of my relationship with her an "emotional affair", because it did not become physical for a long time, and I ended my marriage only months after it did become physical.

 

Now I am married to her, been married for many years, and very happy. I do NOT cheat on her, I am not looking for another woman to fill the "void the OW left" when I married her. I have no void anymore. I had a void with my first wife, not the second.

 

I cannot stand seeing some of these posts calling all other women whores, trash, tramps, useless garbage, dogs. My wife is NOT any of these things. I never even considered her an "other woman" because at the time, my wife was barely my wife other than the past arrangement we made. I loved my "other woman" so much that I left my wife for her. I also left my wife for msyelf.

 

Was what I did right? Probably not, I did after all cheat on my first wife with the second, but my marriage had ended for both of us long before we signed divorce papers. My first wife may not have cheated on me, but the way she treated our relationship was no better than if she did.

 

I hope this serves as a reminder to you that everyone has a story, and everyone's story is different. To see people I respect here getting in on this gang-up of evil men who don't respect their marriages and move on is disheartening. I know that it is better to end one thing before starting another, but to be honest, our marriage was so non-existent that it was hard to feel I was doing anything wrong. I tried to save it and hang in but it didn't work, and I can tell with God's honest truth that I didn't hang in there for me, I did it for me, because I loved her and I didn't want to hurt or give up on us. The problem was she had already given up. Staying in a loveless marriage when you might as well just leave isn't any better or worse than cheating in my opinion. She didn't have to cheat on me to feel the marriage was over and treat me like I didn't exist.

 

So don't call me a bad person, and don't my second wife a whore. And next time you badmouth a man and his so-called "other woman", don't forget you might be helping to sabotage a person's chance at real happiness, making them feel guilty enough to let go of their happiness and stay in a loveless, miserable marriage.

 

We knew what we were doing was "wrong" because you're not supposed to cheat, etc, etc. It was everyone else's definition of wrong. But to us, it was right, and it's been right ever since. Not every man who leaves his wife is a jerk, sometimes his wife is the jerk---and he leaves for real love.

[Tomcat33]

Thank you Mr. Wright!

 

Just thank you for this.

[kchiapet95]

I do appreciate a different viewpoint. It'd be nice if my MM was a Mr Wright, but it's not the case. It is good though that you stood up for yourself, because it isn't one size fits all. Everyone's situation is a little different.

[imstunned]

I am totally new to this forum - and have just discovered I am / was the other woman. I'd like to say thanks for sharing that - I have found though that the responses to my posts have been supportive, and am very grateful for that.

 

Everyones situation is different. Thansk for telling us yours.

 

x

[passionateconfusion]

Thanks Mr. Wright - Gawd I would luv your input on something if you were open to it ...

[greengoddess]

Mr. Wright the difference with your story is you left your wife right away. Within months. Most of these other women hang on for years as the ow through ddays, vacations with wife etc etc.

 

Your marriage was over to you although you should have ended it first. Many of these married men have normal marriages with their wives and happy other time with their ow's. It's very sad. You didn't lead anyone on and profess love for both.

[sadbuttrue]

dang!! more hope

[MrWright]

I should also probably add that I am aware not all relationships born out of an "married man/other woman" situation are quite like mine, which is only fair to admit. I'll save the trouble of any naysayers who want to turn it into a circus of telling me that my situation is the exception. Even if that is true, it does not mean there no other exceptions, and that all men and women are cut from the same cloth. That being said, maybe people will think twice before saying some of the things they say, because you just don't know. You can't know.

[LucreziaBorgia]

And so we see a story that illustrates the infamous "3%". Sometimes a MM will leave, find a new and happier life with someone else, and live happily (and monogamously) ever after. Unfortunately, its the exception and not how it usually goes. Most MM simply stay married, and continue to see OW on the side. I don't think those guys are nearly as "unhappy" as they profess to be. If they were, they'd work out a way to leave like this guy did.

 

I see so few stories like this. In the years I've been here, I've only seen one or two stories like this from the married side, and only one, maybe two that I can remember from the OW side.

[reboot]

I should also probably add that I am aware not all relationships born out of an "married man/other woman" situation are quite like mine, which is only fair to admit. I'll save the trouble of any naysayers who want to turn it into a circus of telling me that my situation is the exception.

Dr Phil says that the chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100. If he's correct, your situation is far from usual. But then I have no idea if Dr Phil has a clue or not, I've just been reading everything out there on the subject.

[Trialbyfire]

And so we see a story that illustrates the infamous "3%". Sometimes a MM will leave, find a new and happier life with someone else, and live happily (and monogamously) ever after. Unfortunately, its the exception and not how it usually goes. Most MM simply stay married, and continue to see OW on the side. I don't think those guys are nearly as "unhappy" as they profess to be. If they were, they'd work out a way to leave like this guy did.

 

I see so few stories like this. In the years I've been here, I've only seen one or two stories like this from the married side, and only one, maybe two that I can remember from the OW side.

I've only seen one but then, you've been here longer. What a story like this does, is to give the OW/OM in the balance of the 97%, unrealistic hope that their "relationship" is different, when the majority of them get thrown under a bus, the minute the gig is up.

[bunset]

MrWright,

 

I'm sorry that things did not work for you in your 1st marriage. I find myself in a somewhat similar situation. My 2nd M is now almost 17yrs. Things have been great for most of those years, which is longer than 1st M.

Anyway. I find it is good to hear about different viewpoints, but I came to this particular forum for understanding and support, not for my particular actions, but for my ability to see a way forward. A way to grow and overcome self-doubt. Usually, when we come here, we are doubting our perceptions, and just need a little assurance that it's not always going to feel this way.

Unfortunately, I agree with your observation that there are too many people coming here and offering continued doubt and darkness, rather than the hope that there is a light, and the troubled can, eventually find it.

There are always more ways to view the world than our own narrow range of experiences, with none being superior, just possible.

It would do a world of good for many people to offer hope before judgement.

 

Thank you for your alternate view. That means that it is a viable future.

[Cobra_X30]

Good for you Mr.Wright!

 

You fully acknowlege that your marriage is a rare exception. So, I'm not sure what your overall point was. If you just wanted to point out that your wife took a huge risk on you... and that you had the testicular fortitude to leave your crappy marriage... bravo! Point taken!

[reboot]

It would do a world of good for many people to offer hope before judgement.

I'm not sure people should offer judgement at all, but I think there's a fine line between offering hope and blowing smoke up someone's butt.

 

You really think some of these women should just be told, "Oh stick around honey, he'll eventually leave, they always do" when the statistics don't support that view?

 

I've seen people being unnecessarily cruel here, and I don't agree with that, but a lot of the people that come here don't just need sympathy, they need to hear some cold, hard truth.

[TogetherForever]

I guess, according to a few posters here, that I fit into that 3% whatever.

:bunny:And I'm happy too. Go figure.

[hollaxatholly]

Thank you very much for this post. I think so many people are so quick to judge people...and while there ARE some people who are with another woman for bad reasons, that doesn't mean every man who is in an affair with another woman is bad. I think even sometimes the man or the woman starts out with "good" intentions and then realizes things weren't as "easy" as they looked or they find themselves in a situation. I don't think that means that everything he told the OW/OM was a LIE. I mean, of course it is sometimes that way but it seems like everyone wants to assume that right away. They also want to assume the worst of the OW/OM. I've talked to and read from alot of OW lately and I can't think of ONE of them that comes off as a wh-re or a homewrecker or a liar or anything bad. I'm not saying that what any of us are doing is a GOOD thing but I don't think any of us have any real intention of hurting anyones family or wife.

 

I think sometimes people just get married and things don't work out....it's not the OW's fault.

 

Anyways, thank you for your story. It really helps alot to hear a positive story from a MM, and it helps that you ended up with the MM. It lets us know that there is a chance he is being honest with us, even if so many people, most who have not even been in our situation, like us to always believe otherwise!

[greengoddess]

I guess, according to a few posters here, that I fit into that 3% whatever.

:bunny:And I'm happy too. Go figure.

 

 

I'm glad you're happy. I think your recent posts show that you are now in a healthy happy state. You havn't been as accepting of ow/om relationships and have been looking at them more realistically lately but I think the 3% refers to women that have gone on to marry their mm.

[Trialbyfire]

I think the 3% refers to women that have gone on to marry their mm.

That's what I was referring to.

[TogetherForever]

I'm glad you're happy. I think your recent posts show that you are now in a healthy happy state. You havn't been as accepting of ow/om relationships and have been looking at them more realistically lately but I think the 3% refers to women that have gone on to marry their mm.

 

Well thank you!

I wouldn't say I am not accepting of the ow here,it's just that I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man who is staying in his marriage & still living in the marital home.

I am able to see both sides of the story. That's all.

TF

[Meaplus3]

I am a regular poster of this forum, but out of fear of retaliation and my good name being smeared here, I am posting on another name because, after seeing these posts lately in this section, which I rarely had ever visited, I feel I have the right to defend myself and others like me.

 

I am a married man,who has been married for many years. That's all I will say about my personal life because some of you know too much about me already and will put two and two together.

 

However, what most of you don't know is that I am married to my second wife-----who started out as my other woman.

 

I have been saddened, not to mention sometimes angered lately by the amount of posters who take it upon themselves to decide whose relationship is "real" and whose it not. You don't know really anything about anyone here, or their whole stories, and especially the party who is not here to explain their part, not they should have to explain themselves to a group of strangers whose sole purpose is meant to offer support.

 

Here's my story, it won't take too long. My first wife and I married. We stayed married for a few years and all was fine, and then she started to drift away from me, partying with her friends again like we were back in college, even when we were home together, we weren't really...together, if that makes sense. I was always left with the responsibility on my shoulders, everything that needed taken care of was left to me. Our sex life became non-existent, but that was the least of our troubles. I felt like I was living with a child. Now, she didn't treat me badly, she just treat me like anything, not a husband, not a friend, she was just there. I was good to her, because I still loved her and still cared.

 

So to cut it short, after quite some time of this, I did meet someone else. I knew it was different this time, and I was right. We were friends first, and it developed into close bond that did not become sexual until well after we met. I do consider most of my relationship with her an "emotional affair", because it did not become physical for a long time, and I ended my marriage only months after it did become physical.

 

Now I am married to her, been married for many years, and very happy. I do NOT cheat on her, I am not looking for another woman to fill the "void the OW left" when I married her. I have no void anymore. I had a void with my first wife, not the second.

 

I cannot stand seeing some of these posts calling all other women whores, trash, tramps, useless garbage, dogs. My wife is NOT any of these things. I never even considered her an "other woman" because at the time, my wife was barely my wife other than the past arrangement we made. I loved my "other woman" so much that I left my wife for her. I also left my wife for msyelf.

 

Was what I did right? Probably not, I did after all cheat on my first wife with the second, but my marriage had ended for both of us long before we signed divorce papers. My first wife may not have cheated on me, but the way she treated our relationship was no better than if she did.

 

I hope this serves as a reminder to you that everyone has a story, and everyone's story is different. To see people I respect here getting in on this gang-up of evil men who don't respect their marriages and move on is disheartening. I know that it is better to end one thing before starting another, but to be honest, our marriage was so non-existent that it was hard to feel I was doing anything wrong. I tried to save it and hang in but it didn't work, and I can tell with God's honest truth that I didn't hang in there for me, I did it for me, because I loved her and I didn't want to hurt or give up on us. The problem was she had already given up. Staying in a loveless marriage when you might as well just leave isn't any better or worse than cheating in my opinion. She didn't have to cheat on me to feel the marriage was over and treat me like I didn't exist.

 

So don't call me a bad person, and don't my second wife a whore. And next time you badmouth a man and his so-called "other woman", don't forget you might be helping to sabotage a person's chance at real happiness, making them feel guilty enough to let go of their happiness and stay in a loveless, miserable marriage.

 

We knew what we were doing was "wrong" because you're not supposed to cheat, etc, etc. It was everyone else's definition of wrong. But to us, it was right, and it's been right ever since. Not every man who leaves his wife is a jerk, sometimes his wife is the jerk---and he leaves for real love.

 

Your very lucky to have found the love of your life! Thank's for sharing your story.

 

AP:)

[Ladyjane14]

I am a regular poster of this forum, but out of fear of retaliation and my good name being smeared here, I am posting on another name because, after seeing these posts lately in this section, which I rarely had ever visited, I feel I have the right to defend myself and others like me.

 

 

What "good name"??? Isn't your screen name anonymous like everybody else's?

 

And what "retaliation" are you talking about? It's not like anybody can DO anything to you. Last I heard, it's not exactly necessary for adulterers to enter The Witness Protection Program.

 

If you've got something to say worth saying, something you believe in... why be all chicken**** about it and hide behind a new user name?

[lindya]

I'm not sure people should offer judgement at all, but I think there's a fine line between offering hope and blowing smoke up someone's butt.

 

You really think some of these women should just be told, "Oh stick around honey, he'll eventually leave, they always do" when the statistics don't support that view?

 

I've seen people being unnecessarily cruel here, and I don't agree with that, but a lot of the people that come here don't just need sympathy, they need to hear some cold, hard truth.

 

 

My thoughts exactly. Hope can be a great motivator for people, but when you have tiny grains of hope keeping people persevering in situations where the odds are stacked against them, it can become a very cruel and oppressive thing. People become like those rats in the behaviourism experiment, where they pressed a lever obsessively until their paws were sore and bleeding....but they keep pressing it, because every now and again, pressing it would result in a few pellets of food dropping out.

[Unforgetable77]

I know of quite a few happy, successful marriages where the MM has left his W and married his OW!!

 

Including my exH.......lol

 

Each situation is unique......

 

Takes allsorts to make the world..... If we were all the same it most certainly would be very boring

[Unforgetable77]

where have my smileys gone??? lol

[KATANYA]

I may have missed Mr. Right's point but I'm taking his message to mean that as a long time poster to these forums, he would like to see this site used to its intended purpose and not used to criticize and bash the OW (and OM) at every possible point and time (especially when some of these posts are obviously in a great deal of pain - self inflicted or not!) and to say that some MM do find the love of their lives a little too late - some like him chose to leave the M and pursue happiness , some do not for reasons only they truly know!

 

Mr. Right is honest that his relationship with his W (former OW) is a rare exception and I think most OW accept the reality of that. They may secretly (or not so secretly) wish that things were different but most know that they are the OW and that chances of things changing are slim.......doesn't stop them from loving to hear a great love story with a happy ending. Good Luck to you and your W Mr. Right and thanks for the post!