Am I a big fool?

[MattyTee]

Okay, so I'm pretty sure I know what the answer is I just wanted to get some second opinions. Short version is: My fiance who I had been with for 8 years left me just over 2 months ago. I have been no-contact now for 8 days fully (before that was light contact). I talked to her last week (before going NC) and she basically said this:

 

She didn't know if things could work out between us. She didn't want to be with me how things were now. If things changed then maybe but it was impossible to say. Okay that doesn't sound too hopeful but ...

 

She then listed everything she was looking for in her next "partner" (as if there was no way that could be me) followed by "that's something to think about if you want to be with me again".

 

She also said that if she met someone she liked then she might pursue a new relationship. She is using an online dating site (and has been since week 3 of the break up). I never realised that would hurt so much - looking for new love so soon!

 

Her sister has been speaking to me and said she is still very emotional and hurt (she had felt neglected over the last year). She also has a mild depression. Her advice was that she was confused and emotional and I shouldn't read too much into it.

 

I'm doing the NC for me - so I can get some healing done, but it's damned hard to focus on much else.

 

Am I total fool for thinking that things could work out?

[tomwiz]

No, not a fool just thining with your heart and not your mind...I am doing it as well...NC is a good step I feel

[Blurple]

NC is for you and Her to clear heads and take a step back(and don't forget to make you stronger and make her miss you). Yes this is a time for you to heal. You remind me of myself about two months ago I was asking everyone if she would come back I gave them the whole story I would talk to, I MEAN everyone about it. You cant be trying to get answers on what she is gonna do or if shes gonna come back. No one, probably not even she knows what she is gonna do. Life is a journey, enjoy every bit of it. If you had to ask me, think of it as a break not a break up.

 

Best of Wishes to you MattyTee

[Blurple]

MattyTee read this post from breaks and breaking up...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t132388/

 

The poster has it right on

 

However, when she does contact you, you dont jump.. you wait it out dont be accessible one bit act busy.. You let her go the extra distance to talk to you.. then you use the tools you already have to get back together with her.

[MattyTee]

Thanks Blurple,

 

Yeah - it's a real rollercoaster! I'm trying to do the right things and keep myself busy. Still having on and off days ... but we'll see how it goes eh.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow she sounds like a complete bitch!!!

 

I hope you got the ring back!

 

Keep with NC and move forward with the assumption she isnt coming back!

 

"She then listed everything she was looking for in her next "partner" (as if there was no way that could be me) followed by "that's something to think about if you want to be with me again".

 

She also said that if she met someone she liked then she might pursue a new relationship. She is using an online dating site (and has been since week 3 of the break up). I never realised that would hurt so much - looking for new love so soon!"

 

If a woman ever said some **** to me like this I would have booted her ass to the curb so fast her head would spin!!!

 

Go get some new coochie you deserve it!

[Ocean-Blue]

The fact that she's already looking for a new partner...that gives you your answer. She's not into you. She's trying to be nice. Don't expect her to come back to you.

 

Good for you for sticking to NC.

[MattyTee]

Well,

 

Emotionally I'm feeling a bit more stable now - I cry less and I am working on myself.

 

Rather than being angry at her I just tried to put myself in her shoes. I don't know how she's feeling, I don't know what she's bottling up ... so I'm giving her whatever space she needs. If she decides that she really does want to be with me then she'll let me know that at some point and we can go from there. Personally I think after an eight year relationship looking for someone new after 4 weeks indicates a lot about a person's state of mind (fear, scared of being alone etc) rather than an asuredness of what they want.

 

What I am fed up with though is people trying to be nice. If you break up with someone you need to be crystal clear on what you want. Trying to be nice never works and will always hurt the other person a lot more (believe me I know). When you break-up with someone you are already going to be hurting them - drop trying to make yourself feel better by adding in lines like "We can still be friends" because it's incredibly selfish and hurtful.

[marsbars]

Yah try to deal with a situation where you have a child involved. Moving on is next to impossible when you see your partner in them every time that you see them. I am in the same boat, but with my wife of 12 years. We had 2 months of scorched earth. Court dates, expensive lawyers etc. Now we are about a month from the date we should be divorced and suddenly she is listening to me. I asked her to try therapy from the beginning. She is seeing a shrink on her own, and so am I. Plus we are seeing one together. Things are just in the starting phase. Things could go any way. There is no healing of wounds for me. There never will be. Our child will always open them a little. Can't forget about someone who touches your life so deeply. I may be an idiot for even considering working on things when she is the one who checked out of the relationship. But I guess my heart will scream louder than my rational mind.

As for being foolish, I don't think so. You have invested a lot of time with this woman. Could it be more cold feet about getting married? How long have you been engaged? How far away from the wedding were you?

[MattyTee]

Hey Mars,

 

Well my heart goes out to you man. You are very right, at least there aren't children involved. I appreciate the pain you must be going through.

 

I'm not sure if you are asking for an opinion - but I'll give one anyway

I think if you still love her then working on things is never going to be a bad thing. It's great you can see a therapist together and working on yourself with one is also a good thing. I wish my ex would go to therapy with me! We have to remember in situations like these that the other person is also just human - they make mistakes, they get scared, they bring in a tonne of crap from childhood and past relationships too ... we have to learn to forgive.

 

It could be cold feet. Engaged 2 years and no set date for the wedding - but I was moving out to live with her. It was a long-distance relationship for a long time.

 

She's younger than I am and it might be she needs to find herself. That would be okay if it didn't involve looking around for other men so soon. I honestly don't know what's going on for her. It is possible she's just very confused about what she wants. I can't help loving her and as you mentioned my heart is infinitely louder than my mind on this one I just have to focus as much energy as I can on bettering myself for now. If she decides to get in contact again she'll find me strong, confident and having improved on the areas I needed to. If I still feel the same way - I'll let her know if that time comes.

[MattyTee]

The fact that she's already looking for a new partner...that gives you your answer. She's not into you. She's trying to be nice. Don't expect her to come back to you.

 

Good for you for sticking to NC.

 

 

I know Blue, it's just a bit of a kick in the balls. I keep thinking that the timeline - i.e. just 4 weeks before she's looking means that something isn't quite right. But maybe that goes back to the being a big fool thing

 

I don't expect her to come back. I would of course like it if she did. But either way - I'll love her through everything anyway!

[Ocean-Blue]

I know Blue, it's just a bit of a kick in the balls. I keep thinking that the timeline - i.e. just 4 weeks before she's looking means that something isn't quite right. But maybe that goes back to the being a big fool thing

 

I don't expect her to come back. I would of course like it if she did. But either way - I'll love her through everything anyway!

 

You sound like my ex (although I'm sure our situations are somewhat different). He used to say this too...and then he got over me. And now, he's a very happy guy (with a brand new gf who may become his fiance). I tell you this because people DO move on (including you!). Just keep up the NC.

[MattyTee]

Sound like your ex in what way? Because I'm surprised at the short time it took her to get over me? Do you mean you had moved on quickly or he had?

 

I can't help feeling something is wrong if a person is able to move on out of a 2 year engagement and 8 year relationship and look for another partner straight away. Perhaps that's just not my mindset. Perhaps I don't know how as well as I thought. There are a lot of 'perhaps'

 

Well, I'm not saying that I won't move on. Right now though I'm no way near ready for any kind of relationship - I'm taking some time to get to know myself, work on the bits that need work and start building up some decent feelings about myself! I waited 21 years for the 'right' person to come along and I'm more than happy to spend time alone. I don't need her to be happy but I would like to share my life with her. Moving on for me right now means moving on from where I was at before in life - not finding someone else. I still love her as much as ever and I'll always be there for her if she needs me (she knows how to get hold of me). For now at least, I shall continue to want to be with her but deal, day-by-day, with the reality that we are not together for now. Who knows what will or won't happen in the future

[Ocean-Blue]

I moved on quite quickly (we were together for approx. the same amount of time as you two). We were also to be married next year...

 

He swore that he'd never stop loving me. That he would hold out hope for a long time... And then one day, he simply got over it. It was too much for him.

[MattyTee]

Ah okay - so you left?

 

So with moving on quickly, it's hard to understand from my side at least. Does it mean that she was already thinking about that before breaking up with me? I can't understand how she can want to be close with someone else so soon. Holding hands, kissing etc. I honestly don't understand and I have been trying to.

 

I'm not going to argue with you about whether I'll always love her etc. I can only feel how I feel right now and the only thing that could prove anyone right is time anyway I could be different from your ex you know

 

Still, I'll move on for now anyway. There'll always be a little bit of hope - but I'm not going to let it rule my life and my actions. If she needs time to find herself or work out what she wants in a person then so be it. If she does come back then I'll be willing to work on it with her, if not then I'll just love her and let her be ... happy. I want her to be happy in the end

[brothermartin]

I know exactly how you feel man. I just had a similar thing happen with me and my girlfriend. No, you're not a fool. You love her and you don't understand why she's really doing this. Thats what hurts the most, the not knowing why. Even though shes given you reasons, they don't seem like reasons that would warrant just up and quitting, right? Wrong! To her, any reason to quit can become a good enough reason, if she makes it one in her own mind. My girlfriend left me because she said I wold'nt committ to making a change. Sound familiar? Sounds like your ex and mine are looking for the same thing. Someone to clean up the mess that someone else made in her house. She's looking for something that you cant give her, she can only find it in herself. But she's blaming you for not being the one to clean up the mess.

[MattyTee]

Very wise words man. I'm sure you are right. It's just so painful to see her getting on with her life so happily - with not a care in the world for me. That's the selfish side of things. At my core all I want is for her to be happy, it's just not always easy to hold that, you know?

[Ocean-Blue]

Ah okay - so you left?

 

So with moving on quickly, it's hard to understand from my side at least. Does it mean that she was already thinking about that before breaking up with me? I can't understand how she can want to be close with someone else so soon. Holding hands, kissing etc. I honestly don't understand and I have been trying to.

 

I'm not going to argue with you about whether I'll always love her etc. I can only feel how I feel right now and the only thing that could prove anyone right is time anyway I could be different from your ex you know

 

Still, I'll move on for now anyway. There'll always be a little bit of hope - but I'm not going to let it rule my life and my actions. If she needs time to find herself or work out what she wants in a person then so be it. If she does come back then I'll be willing to work on it with her, if not then I'll just love her and let her be ... happy. I want her to be happy in the end

 

It's VERY difficult for people to understand how one can move on so quickly after being an LTR. While I was with my ex, I never thought about "finding someone"...in fact, I had "resigned" myself to the idea that he was it (for various reasons). I never imagined that we'd actually break up. So to answer your question, just b/c one moves on after a breakup, it does not mean they were thinking about it while in the relationship.

 

I'm not suggesting that you are like my ex. I just saw some parallels b/w what happened in my relationship to what's happening to yours. In fact, I know of a few relationships where one SO breaks it off...does their thing and realizes that they made a HUGE mistake and goes back to the person they left. These things can go either way.

 

Based on all of your posts, you appear to genuinely care about this girl. You love her enough to let her go and pursue whatever she wants (this takes a mighty big man).

 

If you two had a strong base (i.e. chemistry, friendship, respect, etc), she may get bored of the new guy and come back to you (I've seen this happen over and over again). Sometimes, we need to have something taken away from us to realize how much we need it.

 

Good luck to you.

[MattyTee]

Thank you Blue!

 

I'm not trying to hold on to false hope here. I just want her to be happy and if that isn't with me then regardless of how I feel I'll still love her. I'm not sure yet if I'm strong enough to stand by and be her friend while she sees other people - only time will tell. I'm taking the NC now for myself but who knows perhaps she's spending some time thinking too.

 

Thanks again for your post.

[kirikat]

You guys dont seem to know sh*t about women. Seriously.

 

(If a woman said that to me I'd boot her ass to the curb? Excuse me... but you do NOT know the circumstances!!!)

 

Furthermore, her being on a dating site in NO WAY means she is over you. It only means she is looking to see if there might be a future without you.... she is looking to boost her self confidence and her self esteem and to create her own identity seperate from the relationship.

 

Finally, she didnt say no - and she wasnt being nice. She was inviting you to consider a new relationship.

 

Now, I dont know what her list consisted of, but maybe you might want to listen to what it is she wants. Because, honestly - EIGHT YEARS of being engaged? What is THAT?

 

Thats not an engagement, that is going steady, and unless that was HER choice, it sounds to me like she got tired of not getting a commitment.

[MattyTee]

Thanks for your comments KiriKat,

 

Well I never suggested I knew anything about women I agree with your comments - she has always been a very shy person and despite my best attempts to help her with that I think she's always felt overshadowed by me (maybe because I'm older, maybe because I'm more outgoing). I would agree that she's wanting to find herself as herself and not as a partner in a relationship.

 

This is my first relationship and I really do love her. I still want to be with her now but I understand that she needs something different, possibly forever but at least for the moment. I'm not going to boot anyone's ass to the curb - I'll always love her, even if she is with someone else. Above and beyond my own wants for the relationship I want her to be happy. If she can't be with me - then so be it.

 

That's not to say it isn't hard for me - thus posting here. It does hurt a lot when someone you were with for so long is looking for someone new.

 

I've spent a very long time going over the last little bit of our relationship. There are lots of things that I did wrong or could have done better. I spent a few weeks beating myself up over them and wishing I could have been different. The irony of it all is that looking back I can't see any way I would have learned what I have - without her breaking up with me. Perhaps that makes me stupid or perhaps just inexperienced. Either way I have to forgive myself and take this opportunity to learn and better myself.

 

I've spent the past 2 months now going to a counselor to deal with habits I felt were unhealthy in the relationship. I've been reading everything I can on how to communicate openly, honestly and fairly. If she called me up tomorrow and said "want to try again" I would say "Yes, but I need some more time". I know now that I'm not ready yet. Perhaps given a few more months I will be.

 

And with the 'going steady' ... well I think I miscommunicated there. I've written so many posts that I tend to forget that people might not know the situation. We were together eight years, engaged for one and a half. I was fully commited to her - always was and certainly still am. I was due to move out to her country by the end of the year. It had taken longer than I hoped because of paying of University debt and struggling to make ends meet where I am. One thing I have learned though - life sometimes requires you to just jump in and take a risk. I should have left to live with her a long time ago - and not worried about the other stuff. Still, I can't turn the clock back, I can only learn and not make the same mistakes.

 

I'm still one of those soppy romantic fools that believes in soul-mates and so on. I love her with all my heart and I will always love her. I'm making changes in my life now for me so that should a second chance come - I'm ready. If it doesn't, well then I'm a better person for it anyway.

 

I'll let you all know what happens down the line

[MattyTee]

Actually Kiri,

 

Asking for a bit of advice. I've been NC with her for over 2 weeks now. I wanted to give her the space she needed and so on. Do you think that's the best thing considering what she has said or do you think I should keep light contact? Bearing in mind this was a LDR as well.