blon_dee Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Hi all... Im new here, well sort of, spent a lot of time here about this time last year when i went through a break up..... My story... Met a wonderful man around last xmas, things were great, he moved in a few months ago and its slowly going down hill. I have a 4 year old daughter, and this guy is not coping at all with life with a child. I have seen problems really only the last few weeks, but after living in a miserable marriage for a long time (I got divorced early this year), i decided i wasnt going to put up with this again. So i confronted him. He says hes been on his own most of his life and hes struggling with this new role as a "dad". I think he loves my daughter, but his issue is that he feels he needs "Space". I guess you think, well its all over, which is what i thought when he said he wanted to move out... But he assures me that he really loves me and wants to be with me and he knows that my daughter is part of that, but he says he thinks he just needs to live in his own place and go back to how it was before , seeing each other a few times a week without having to life the day to day stuff... Is he just being a selfish ass? I just dont know what to think. Hes been so good to me and i know it must be hard for a bachelor type guy to suddenly take on this new role.. But can we make this work?? Just want to know what other people think. Cheers Kxx Link to post Share on other sites
KenzieAbsolutely Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Hi all... Im new here, well sort of, spent a lot of time here about this time last year when i went through a break up..... My story... Met a wonderful man around last xmas, things were great, he moved in a few months ago and its slowly going down hill. I have a 4 year old daughter, and this guy is not coping at all with life with a child. I have seen problems really only the last few weeks, but after living in a miserable marriage for a long time (I got divorced early this year), i decided i wasnt going to put up with this again. So i confronted him. He says hes been on his own most of his life and hes struggling with this new role as a "dad". I think he loves my daughter, but his issue is that he feels he needs "Space". I guess you think, well its all over, which is what i thought when he said he wanted to move out... But he assures me that he really loves me and wants to be with me and he knows that my daughter is part of that, but he says he thinks he just needs to live in his own place and go back to how it was before , seeing each other a few times a week without having to life the day to day stuff... Is he just being a selfish ass? I just dont know what to think. Hes been so good to me and i know it must be hard for a bachelor type guy to suddenly take on this new role.. But can we make this work?? Just want to know what other people think. Cheers Kxx well, you could ask him to stick around and have a pretend relationship with you until you feel like you're ready to be apart from him, but that would be crazy, not to mention unfair to you and, more importantly, unfair and confusing for your child. so i guess if you really care about him, you need to let him do what he needs to do. give him his space if he wants it. you don't have much choice, really. also, in my opinion, i don't think i could date anyone who wasn't sure if he wanted to be involved with my child. as soon as i know that was his deal, i'd be done. you can't expect someone to automatically want to be a parent when they're not, and you certainly can't force them too either. good luck, i hope whatever is best for everyone works out. keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Your daughter already has a dad... so why are you asking him to fill that role? That just isnt fair at all! It's not his kid. Now if he cant take having the child in his life... well that's his issue. It sounds like he understands that you two come as a package. I just got the feeling from what you said there that he was feeling pressure to play dad. That might be why he is backing off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blon_dee Posted October 10, 2007 Author Share Posted October 10, 2007 I never really asked him to take on the role of dad, he even said to me, he felt thats what he needed to do, but now hes not sure he wants to play that game. I have never expected anything from him in that regard. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 I never really asked him to take on the role of dad, he even said to me, he felt thats what he needed to do, but now hes not sure he wants to play that game. I have never expected anything from him in that regard. He was feeling pressured... maybe it was something he put on himself. Sometimes a guy can see what the right thing to do is... but its still tough to do. Internal pressure can be worse than anything. Are you planning to give him some time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blon_dee Posted October 10, 2007 Author Share Posted October 10, 2007 Yes, absolutely. He has decided to move out and he just wants to see how that goes. I thought initially that meant the end of us, but he assures me he wants to be with me, he just wants his own space. Im ok with that. I just wonder if hes really serious about still wanting to be with me .. Im just confused i guess Link to post Share on other sites
JosieMcCoy Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 Hi Blon_dee! I'm new too! Good luck with your situation!!! Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 He may not have had to step into the Dad role.. but he certainly slips into the Step Dad role and that is just as important as the Dad role..Sometimes even more important becuase he has to balance friendship and partenting on a different scale. He would be the male role model the child would spend most of her time with.. He should take an active role in the childs life.. The age of the child is way to young to have to grow up with a male role model in the household that doesn't want kids.. Personally I think that him asking to live apart is disrespectful to you and your child.. He just wants to bang you but not deal with all the day to day chores of parenthood..that is what the package deal means To me.. What he asked for would be a deal breaker.. He needs to grow up.. Does he realize that within days or weeks or months he himself could father a child with you. Then what would he want ? to still have a separate apartment ? See where I'm going with this.. he is rejecting your child/situation... this won't get any easier or better down the road Link to post Share on other sites
Author blon_dee Posted October 10, 2007 Author Share Posted October 10, 2007 I see what you're saying... Its just so hard. AFter a miserable marriage and my husband leaving when my daughter was just a baby, i finally meet someone who i know really loves me. And we are really good together. But you are right, my daughter has to come first. i guess i will just give him his space for a while and see what happens. Maybe i should put a time frame on it for myself (not tell him that_) but see what happens say for 6 months and decide if we have any future. He just called me 5 minutes ago, saying everythings going to be alright and he loves me so much. I just feel so lost right now :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 He just called me 5 minutes ago, saying everythings going to be alright and he loves me so much. What guarantees is he showing you that would make it alright? You need some confidence that he is speaking the truth.. Please watch his actions very closely at this time.. Make sure he is taking the steps that a man who loves you would take in this situation.. The first thing he would do is try and alleviate any of your insecurities that you must be having.. Make him prove to you that this is going to work... Link to post Share on other sites
woodsfield Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 even when i brought my (only) child home from the hospital, it was a big difference. as you know, having a child is life changing. since this is not his child, he does not have to be the "father" figure to him/her, but he will need to be a good role model for the child if he continues to be with you. i'm sure it has been difficult for him to adjust if this is his first relationship with someone who is a parent. however, he needs to be able to deal with being an "adult" if he is serious about you and being a part of your life. i think he is doing the right thing to step back and take a deep breath here. give him time. if he is the right one, he will be able to handle ALL that you have to OFFER him. and helping raise a child is both wonderful and difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
katiebour Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 He knew you had a daughter when he met you- it's not like you suddenly sprung the child card on him. It sounds like you have different relationship/life goals- You have a child and you've been married. You're a more settled person and perhaps the party-girl days are over? What is your goal with a relationship- are you dating casually, to go out, have fun, etc, or are you looking for someone to settle down and be a parent with? Is he looking for a freer, more spontaneous relationship where a child is not a constant factor in every decision? If that's the case then this incompatibility is a deal-breaker. If you want to be settled then you need to be with someone who wants the same thing. It does not matter if you guys get along fantastically- if you're both at different spots in your life then he will resent you restraining his lifestyle, and you will resent him not being the stable partner that you were looking for. If you want a daddy and a partner, then make that the main criteria for your dating circle. Don't date a guy simply because he's nice or attractive- these things help but in the long run you need someone who wants who and what you are. Date a bunch of daddy-types and eventually you will find one that blows your socks off in all the other departments too. IMO the best person for the job is someone who's already proven that they can do it- maybe look for a nice divorced guy who already has kids? Someone who's been in the same situation as yourself and whose lifestyle is already similar to yours? I think there are dating services for single parents- you might want to try that route. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blon_dee Posted October 15, 2007 Author Share Posted October 15, 2007 Thanks everyone for your input.. Its been almost a week now since that discussion we had.... Thing is, i still feel quite troubled by it, and hes acting pretty much like nothing ever happened.... He keeps reassuring me that everythings going to be ok, just that he will live somewhere else, but nothing for us changes. I guess if hes 100% commited to the relationship it could work like that. Give me more time to myself and just me and my daughter i guess.. I just still have that nagging doubt that maybe hes just saying that until he finds somewhere to go, then he will just cold dump me...... I dont know......................... Maybe i am just being negative... After having a husband who just up and left, i guess i still have trust issues with men.... Art Critic, i appreciate your responses.... We have had the child talk a few times, and at times hes been all for having children.. Now hes decided after living with mine for a few months, that he thinks he never wants kids of his own.. I agree that he needs to grow up. Some parts of me think hes the one being quite selfish here.. Its not like i sprung the kid on him as Katie said, he knew well about it before he talked me into letting him move in..... Its just so hard to know what will happen.. Im terrified of being abandoned again.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author blon_dee Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 Can some of you seemingly sensible people pls read my thread in Breaks ups (titled So Devastated). Its the next installment of my thread here. I need some good sound words of wisdom. I am completely devastated. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Fancee Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 If you give me an email I will give something I copied from a young man's blog. Its about 13 problems with dating single parent female. It might show something you r doing or something that he going thru with you. Its interesting. A man can't help who he fall in love with. Link to post Share on other sites
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