Longterm Commitment No Engagement In Sight

[Sooshaboo]

Hi guys, need some advice here. Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. We met when i just started my 1st year in uni 3 years ago and we fell in love straght away, we were inseparable till june that year then i went back home (hes in uk) for 2 months i was home - family business. then i came back and we both lived together at his parents place for a year, at some point i thought he took me for granted i was unhappy with a lot of things and it didnt seem he was taking that onboard, so i moved out for couple of months but still stayed with him 99per cent of the time. anyways that summer i also went home, did my 3 months work there and came back to england. by then he had his house and wanted me to live with him there so i said yes. a week after i settled back in, i got an email saying i was accepted onto a course that i applied for 2 months prior (wanted to go to a better university 120 miles away from where bf lives) and got that place. i was made up although it meant moving away from my bf for another 2 years. he was unhappy but said he didnt want to split up. so we stayed strong through that year i actually think it made us a favour being away from each other we appritiate each other much more now. ok so this isnt the end of the story. now family business back home is very shaky at the mo... and so i decided to stay (totally my decision) for a year (all my collegues at uni are taking a year out in the industry as well so il still graduate with all of them) so, here i am, three years down the line, in ldr, and when i come back that would be 4 years being together, i will finish my bsc and then will go for my masters, my bf is in london now but im not sure whether id be able to get into msc in london as the uni i want to go to in top ten for the subject in the world!! so there is this huge chance that is will be another 3 years till well be together properly. OK now that uve got all the background info, he doesnt want to ask me to marry him till he said hes number one priority, so lets say it will be another 3 years, that would be 6 years beingh together adn what if then he wont want to propose? he doesnt want to stay engaged for too long, weve discussed marriage and kids and all that, weve got the same views on almost everything appart from the fact that he says hes not ready as im away all the time and he needs to be sure hes making the right decision. so what bothers me is that as someone wrote here ages ago - if the man met the right woman, hell marry her straight away. so yeh, im not the right person then? was feeling down all week cant stop thinking about it as i think, do we need to stay in this relationship where well only see each other everyother month and maybe in 3 years time if im lucky i will find out if i was the right woman after all!!! Oh and although im still young(22) my family thinks weve been together for too long without him proposing

Thanks for reading

Soosha

[katiebour]

Being together 6 years before you marry is not unreasonable, especially in the case of a rocky long-distance relationship.

 

If you're only 22 then you are definitely young to be marrying. What's the rush and what will marriage change between you?

 

Think carefully about why you want to be married. I'm betting it's a combination of social norms ("Being married shows everyone that I can catch a husband just like everyone else") and desire for some form of security ("He won't ever leave me"/"He'll be more committed to me once we're married.")

 

I've been there. I met my first b/f at 19 and was convinced that we should marry 2 years down the line. We were both in school, we lived together for a year, and were together for almost 3 years.

 

6 years later I can safely say it would have been a HUGE mistake to marry him. I'm actually very glad we didn't get married because a) he wasn't really in love with me b) I wasn't really in love with him c)our life goals were completely different. There were other factors that were warning signs- but at the time I was so sure that he was "the one." Never mind the fact that he was the first b/f I'd ever had!

 

Being married will not fix the relationship or make it better. It will not make the two of you closer. It may make him less likely to leave- but only because getting a divorce is a messy and expensive process. Do you really want him to stay with you out of obligation and for financial reasons rather than for love?

 

I have come to understand why I wanted to be married so badly- and I came to understand that it wasn't about the men involved in my first and second relationships- it was about me being married, no matter to whom.

 

I'm in my 3rd major relationship now- it's been two years and I know it will be at least 2 years more until marriage even becomes a possibility (the b/f is in school.) Frankly, I don't care any more. The only thing that marriage would improve for us would be a possible break on taxes. He's covered under my insurance as a domestic partner and I no longer feel this driving need to be married "no matter what." We live together and have a solid relationship. When problems come up we deal with them. We support one another and are both learning how to be better partners to each other all the time. What possible difference could that piece of paper have at this point?

 

We do both want to be married at some point, despite all the reasons why marriage in this day and age can be a bad idea. It'll happen if and when it happens.

 

"Just because it's time."

"It's the next step."

"Don't you want to be married to me?"

"He won't leave if we're married."

"My sister/brother/friends are all getting married- I want to be married too."

"We'll be closer/The relationship will be better."

 

None of these are the right reasons to be married.

 

When the relationship is wonderful, when you're secure in one another, when you've been together long enough to be absolutely sure that you want to be with this person, when you've got your life together to the point where you're ready to be a partner instead of a dependent-

 

This is the point where marriage should happen.

 

Your b/f doesn't sound like he's at that point yet- and from your story it doesn't sound like you are either. He's absolutely right to want to wait. Better to wait 6 years and be absolutely sure than to get married and divorced 3 years later.