JellyBean25 Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 I am 24, and the man that I love SO much is 38. Goodness, I almost feel as if I should leave it at that and ask your opinion. He's great, and of course, there are things that we could work on if we were together. However, we're not. The reason we aren't is because I am having some major issues with the age difference. That's why I'm writing on here. Honestly, the only thing that is really holding us back is my idea of what we would be like if we were married (which has definitely come up because we are so awesome together). Men don't live as long as women - on the average - and his age would only make me a widow sooner. I know that there are women out there who are married to older men, and I also know that there's no way I am the first one to think about this. Please give me advice on how to deal with this. I love him so much and this is really causing quite an issue. Before anyone mentions it, I am seeking counseling for what I am sure are deep-seeded issues regarding my life anyway. But I need some sort of peace right now. At work, I even see clients who are married to older men, and I just want to call them up and ask how they did it. So, can you guys help? Obviously, if this issue weren't important to me, we would be together based off of love alone. I need some rational reasons and explanations of basic things in an age-challenged relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 have been married for 15 years to a man who is 13 years older than me, and it's worked out for the most part ... good: you don't have to wait for him to grow up bad: unless he's dead-set on being immature! my experience: he's pretty well-trained for the most part good: he's got valuable experience you can benefit from bad: he's been around the block a time or two. Without you. my experience: sometimes I've got issues dealing with the fact that he's done certain things that I didn't, but to be fair, he's never thrown them in my face (i.e., previous sex partners, like one BF I had). In reality, it's been a mixed bag, but mostly good. I think our biggest problem with age difference is that I'm in my early 40s and at the height of my sexual peak (at least this is what I'm told), and he's hit the age of male menopause at 55. Which means our sex life sucks. And you've got to learn to make your peace with those kinds of things, you've got to learn to not take them personally or you'll be miserable. another worry is health issues, because logically, it would go to say that he'll experience problems long before I will because of his age, and I'm not looking forward to that. Not so much of the fact that I'll have to clean him up and stuff, but because I hate seeing him hurting. the best thing I can say for having an older spouse (older within reason, not marrying someone your dad's or mother's age!) is that it seems to be a good match when you've got a mature outlook on things: You don't have to train him, you don't have to watch after him, etc because he knows how to conduct himself. the only real advice I'd have for anyone thinking of marriage is to really reflect on whether you are a good match and have what's needed to get through rough patches in a relationship, and that you can face trials without falling apart at the seams because you can't "handle" them. Love is excellent, but there also has to be a healthy sense of respect and willingness to do for the marriage what you wouldn't necessarily do for yourself or the other person alone. Link to post Share on other sites
caramba Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 I am 24 and my husband is 36. We have a great marriage! If you click you click. I worry too about losing him to soon since he is older than me. But he has promised to stay in shape and take care of himself as much as he can, I will see to that! Don't let the age difference stop you. Follow your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
cucumber Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Better off living fully with a man of true love even if it were to be short or wait and end up with living with someone who's mediocre? If you're so concerned about losing a husband early, arithmetically & statistically you have to marry with a man who's 10-14 years younger. I found it difficult to keep that much younger men being hooked for a long time. I look 10 years or more younger for my age and tend to attract men who're 10-15 years younger. My experience? Not much luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Road Rage Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 You just have to look at the big picture. The state of marriage is in a complete crisis right now so even what seems perfect at the moment is almost sure to have major difficulty ahead. It is because no one is trained for marriage any more. The single life is no longer a preparation for marriage but one big party. Link to post Share on other sites
OTgirl Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Hi there, I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 40! Being in an age gap relationship is wonderful! It has many perks: mature partner, life experience, etc. However, you have to look at some possible drawbacks. There is a chance that he will slow down with age. However, many times this is not the case. Men in the 60's and above still have hobbies, very active sex lives, jobs, dreams, etc. Thanks to modern technology the life expectancy is 77 years. If you have common interests, good communication, love, trust, commitment, etc that's all that matters! All of you in age gap relationships (10 are over) your welcome to register/visit a very active online support group for age gap relationships. I'm on there everyday and this community changed my way of thinking. http://www.mindtheagegap.com/forum/ Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Sorry to sound morbid, but there's no guarantee of how long you might have together. You could get hit by a bus, he could get cancer... all kinds of things could happen that have nothing to do with your age gap. That, at least, was one of the arguments my sister made when her best friend's girlfriend was waffling on their relationship. The girlfriend was about 24, and her boyfriend (my sister's best friend) was 45 or so - a 20+ year age gap. The girlfriend ultimately decided she couldn't handle the age difference and they broke up. I guess it wasn't a very compelling, or comforting thought, that she could lose her boyfriend to illness or accident before they reached old age! Anyway, only you can decide how uncomfortable the age gap is for you. Sounds like others on this board have some good ideas and resources... Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Galexia Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 It's all in your head, sweetie!!! I've been with a man 29 years older than me for 3+ years. I've never EVER been happier. We are an amazing couple and have more fun and life in us than any other couple. Of course, issues come up...for me its "your just starting a career and i'm ready to retire" but you just work through them one day at a time. Don't go so far in the future....be here and now. Age is just a number. and I feel that older younger relationships actually work better than same age...don't know why but i guess its the experience they have. I'm 30, he's 59. We're not married, and dont hjave kids either...maybe thats the key?? But seriously, go with your heart. Marriages end for a million different reasons, not just because someone dies. You never know what could happen. I say go for it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I am 24, and the man that I love SO much is 38. Goodness, I almost feel as if I should leave it at that and ask your opinion. He's great, and of course, there are things that we could work on if we were together. However, we're not. The reason we aren't is because I am having some major issues with the age difference. That's why I'm writing on here. ...I have to tell you that in some respects, age is relative. In others, it's not. When I found myself delightfully single at age 50 I suppose I could have accepted the "offers" of a number of younger women who expressed an interest in me. However, I decided that I'd rather date women my own age who had lived through the same history, music, cinema, social upheavals, etc. that I had -- women who could relate to "my" times. A 14 year age difference doesn't seem too much UNLESS the relationship was a rebound relationshiop for him. If so, the age difference is huge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JellyBean25 Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 You are so awesome. I just put everything on here as a way to see if there would be one or two people who know what I'm talking about. I never expected to find so many people who had actually been through it. I can't tell you how happy I am to see all of this encouragement. We've decided to just admit that we still are dating and not push anything future until it happens. Right now, I know that I love him and we're an awesome couple. There's nothing I can do to change that until it either progresses or doesn't. You've all played such an integral part in helping me through this. This is more than I could have thought would come of this forum. Thanks guys. Link to post Share on other sites
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