I Found Someone Special

[SeekingRealLove]

I have been reading many of the posts on this web site and thought it was time to register and share my experiences.

 

About a month ago my wife moved out of the house along with our two children. She took about 85% of the household items without asking me. Although I expected it, it was still a shock.

 

About two weeks ago I joined an online personals service to start dating and meeting new people. I was lonely and wanted to get out there. The marriage therapist (who I continued to see after our separation) said it was fine, but don't get serious with anyone so fast so I get the time I need to heal.

 

I responsed to about 20 profiles on the web site and received about 5 emails back. Nothing special about any of them except for one. She noted that one line in my profile, "I know what I want from a relationship" was refreshing to hear! We started emailing each other and eventually spoke on the phone.

 

We had a great conversation on the phone and it lasted 6 hours! Yes...you read correctly! It was the longest convesation I have ever had with someone. We decided to meet for lunch a few days later. We were nervous about meeting each other even though we had seen pictures of each other. We were concerned if we would be attracted to one another.

 

When we met, I think both of us felt attracted to the other. I felt attracted to her not just because of her phycial beauty, but mostly because of positive personality. We had a nice conversation during lunch and she wanted me to walk her to her car. Of course I was going to do that anyway, but that told me she likes to be treated like a woman.

 

I walked her to her car and I could feel her invading my space. While this was not a bad thing, I didn't know how to react. I initial response was to back off, but I stood my ground. I don't know what she was expecting, but I decided just to give her a hug and said goodbye.

 

I asked her when we could have lunch again, but she said it was tough since she works part time. She has 3 beautiful children so it was hard to get together. She shocked me and asked me to her house after the kids went to sleep. I accepted, but I wondered why she would take a chance inviting someone over without knowing them that well.

 

I got to her house around 9:00 pm and brought a bottle of champange (she knew I was bringing this) and some strawberries. When I got there, she told me that her friend was going to call at 11:45 pm and she would call the police if she did answer. I thought she took some precautions, but I not sure how well it would have worked if I was a nut.

 

We had a great time that night and even kissed with passion! It was the first time I kissed somone other than my wife for the past 9 years. We plan on meeting again tonight at 9:15 pm at her place. I plan on bringing a movie that we both agree on.

 

We have concerns about our relationship. She thinks it is too soon for me to get involved with someone and make a commitment. I agreed with her, but she is a great person and I don't want to miss out with someone so special. She told me she was breaking a rule about dating someone who was separated. She had done this once and was burned when the guy went back to his wife. I could understand her feelings.

 

She is dating one other guy, but she said doesn't sound like she is into him. I think she has been on 4 dates with him. I don't feel jealous, but I think she is dating him to protect herself from getting to close to me. The person told her he wants to date her exclusively, but she wasn't willing to commit that to him.

 

I'm afraid of getting hurt again, but I don't want this special woman to slip through my fingers. We told each other that we would take this relationship slow. I am trying to date other women, but I'm not interested in doing so. I dated in the past and finding some compatible with me is hard.

 

Please let me know your opinion on how I should procede. Thanks.

[Tony T]

I think you're going way too fast with this lady right from the outset. She is very correct that you are still married, recently separated, vulnerable and your judgement is tainted by the emotional turmoil associated with a divorce.

 

Even in the best of circumstances, you cannot know if a person is right for you after a few dates. Your brain is producing the necessary chemicals to get you out of your funk and can play tricks on you. Anytime a person hasn't dated for nine years or more, meeting someone new who is relatively nice is going to be quite exciting.

 

I'm certainly not going to discourage you from pursuing this lady but you need to know that the excitement you feel now about her may or may not remain as you get to know her better. At the outset, people do not reveal themselves in meaningful ways and, even if they do, we tend to be more accepting of many details than we would be later on.

 

Get your divorce done, take things slowly with this lady, and you ought to plan on dating a number of women before you work yourself up into a romantic tizzy with just one. Since this lady is dating someone else, I'm sure she will understand your need to date others as well....simply because you are now in the process of a divorce and you need to orient yourself to the world once again.

 

It would be really nice if this lady is your new Ms. Right and I do know of people who have met their partners right out of a bad marriage...but the odds are against it. Internet personals have had many successes but it's produced many nightmares as well. No kicking the Internet services, you can have the same type of experience meeting people by just about any method. At least you have a good idea that the lady your seeing is reasonably like-minded. Just use caution.

 

Bottom line...I think you're moving a little too quickly. I personally think a person coming out of a nine year marriage should have some down time to collect thoughts and renew a relationship with the self before going out to couple once again.

 

Good luck!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

First, let me congratulate you on your courage to pick yourself up and put yourself back out there. Meeting people and dating can be a difficult and awkward thing for those who have spent such a great deal of time in a committed, monogamous relationship. Particularly for older adults who are no longer interested in the meat market atmosphere of the usual club scene.

 

The Internet can be a wonderful place to get acquainted with new people that you may never have an opportunity to meet otherwise. It certainly expands your horizons, but you will need to exercise the same amount of caution as you would when meeting a stranger at a bar. And like Tony, I can hardly say anything negative about meeting people online. After all, that is how I met my current partner of three years…and we couldn’t be happier! I also have friends and family who are married to those they have met via this venue.

 

I think your new lady friend has probably been dating people on line for some time, and has become more comfortable with taking chances that might seem too “risky” for some. The fact that she alerted her friend to your visit shows that she is at least exercising some caution. So far, she’s been very lucky and I suppose she’s growing more confident in her judgment regarding the kind of men she chooses to bring home to her children.

 

Let’s just hope it stays that way…

 

Meanwhile, you will have to take your time in getting to know this lady as everyone puts their best face forward when meeting someone for the first time. Much will be revealed as time passes and those PEAs…(brain chemicals as Tony mentioned)…will make it difficult for you to rationalize for a little while!

 

I’m sure your new lady is simply wonderful; and let’s hope, as “special” as she appears to be. But meanwhile, you should follow her example and take this opportunity to meet and date other people as well. This way you will have more experience to gage this new relationship on rather than the comparison of your ex-wife.

 

There are A LOT of wonderful women out there. And one you haven’t even met yet may possess exceptional qualities you didn’t even know you were looking for. Take your time and just try to enjoy the adventure. Have a little fun. A wonderful and exciting new life awaits you out there.

 

Good Luck and let us know how everything goes!

[SeekingRealLove]

Thanks Tony and EnigmaXOXO for the advice. She is wonderful woman with a great personality. I realize it is too soon for me to date one woman and she fully understands this.

 

Please let me know more about those PEAs that your talking about. Is there somewhere on the Internet that talks about it?

 

Tonight we are going to have a quite evening at her house watching a movie ("Evelyn"). I just hope she doesn't come on too strong.

 

She only has a TV in bedroom and she wanted me to watch a family video she made. It was one of those with pictures and music. She was telling me about all the family members in the video. The problem is she has a fireplace in her bedroom and she lite it. She asked me if I wanted some gum and of course I accepted. Not too long after that we kissed for the first time.

 

I thought it was very nice, but I also thought does she do this all her dates. We all want to feel special, but I tend to be more realistic about stuff like that. I don't plan on having sex with her, but the urge will be hard to deny. I hope she can say no if it gets to that point, but I'm not sure.

 

She told me she doesn't like to date and likes getting to the exclusive relationship. I fully understand her feelings about it, but this why I feel bad about it. She wants something I can't give her now. I don't know how long it will take for me to get there. I told her that I don't want to hold her back. Sometimes I feel that it would be easier if she just told me she didn't want to date me anymore. Are these normail feelings after being separated? Thanks.

[Tony T]

You're probably using this lady to drown out your feelings about your pending divorce. Lots of people do that. I think if you keep seeing her things will intensify. If that happens, well you'll just have to deal with it. I promise you, no matter what you tell her she will grow more and more fond of you. She is hoping in the back of her mind that something will happen, it sounds to me.

 

It's your life. I've already written above what I think. Actions have consequences as you are finding out now in your divorce. Just remember, all actions have consequences, good and bad, until we die. Think before you unzip!

[EnigmaXOXO]

http://abcnews.go.com/sections/scitech/Holiday/scienceoflove010214.html

 

Here you go!

 

Sure hope we are allowed to post links to this forum.

 

Now don't get too caught up in all the scientific and psychological rhetoric. Love and new infactuations are also about enjoying the best part of what it means to be Human. But understanding our biological make-up also helps us to recognize and rationalize some of the mysteries of love...those crazy feelings and "numpty" things we do when we find ourselves attracted to someone!

[SeekingRealLove]

Tony,

 

I don't think I'm trying to drown out the pending divorce, but I understand how you can think that. She is a great person, but I'm sure she has her own faults. She told me once that she wished her relationships came easy, but we all know nothing is easy and it is usually complicated.

 

For now, I just enjoying her company and hope not to become dependent on her. We are speaking everyday now and in the meantime I'm getting to know her better. Just the other day she was talking about some guy hitting on her at McDonalds. She has told me this a few times about guys hitting on her so I'm not sure why she is telling me. Either she feels she can tell me anything, or she is testing my feelings toward her. Right now I'm telling her that she can get involved if she is interested. I'm not sure how long I can keep telling that kind of stuff.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Just the other day she was talking about some guy hitting on her at McDonalds. She has told me this a few times about guys hitting on her so I'm not sure why she is telling me."

 

She probably wants you to know she is OK with eating at McDonalds. Every guy wants a woman who is OK with McDonalds. You can take a lady there and have a pretty large meal for less than $5...and sometimes even win prizes. That's probably why she's getting hit on there.

[SeekingRealLove]

I was disappointed tonight, but relieved at the same time. About an hour before I came over tonight, she told that she decided to date another guy exclusively . I knew I could not give her what she wanted --- an exclusive relationship. She was very honest about the situation and I respected her decision.

 

I had bought tickets to a Rick Springfield concert on May 17th for her. I told her she can decide by the end of the week if she still wanted to go. I asked her to ask her new boyfriend, but she said she wanted to make the decision.

 

She is a wonderful woman and I hope she is happy with him. I'm glad I met her and she gave me hope that are very good women out there!

[Just A Girl2]

Just read your recent response here and I felt disappointed for you, sorry things didn't work out this time, but keep your chin up and don't ever lose hope in finding "real love."

 

JustAGirl

[SeekingRealLove]

Just A Girl2 --- thanks for the support! The funny thing is I really feel okay about it. Maybe I just could not take the stress of a new relationship. Anyway, maybe her and I can still be friends.

[SeekingRealLove]

Today was the first day I or her didn't call each other in a while. I miss her already because she was so upbeat. It is funny that I miss this lady and not my wife that I was married to for almost 9 years. I just feel so alone and empty inside right now. Are these normal feelings?

[Ally Boo]

From someone who has been been married and divorced as well, I understand your hurt. When me and my husband broke up, I decided not to date others really...but I ended up doing it anyway. And the first couple of people I ended up seeing ended up being more painful than I understood.

 

Now looking back, I realize that I was just using a few relationships to "fix" what was going on and the emptiness in my life. When you are in a committed relationship like a marriage, it's easy to forget just how hard it is to start a meaningful relationship with someone. And newly seperated people get attached in a different way than the people we try to date. Once I finally realized this difference between me and the "dating world" it was an utter culture shock.

 

I actually didn't mourn for my husband and lost marriage until about a year later. Just be gentle with yourself. It's ok to feel the feelings you are feeling. Let yourself feel them, and believe it or not, this WILL pass, and it's NOT the end of the world. You just gotta take care of you.

 

Hope this helps some.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Seeking,

 

What you are feeling is very common. You are coming down from your romantic “high.” A dopamine and norepinphrine crash…so to speak! Don’t allow yourself to confuse this lack of natural stimulant to feelings of “emptiness.” That may lead to real trouble! The last thing you want to end up doing right now is getting yourself caught up in the frantic cycle of desperately searching for someone…anyone…who can give you that “rush” again. If your judgment is fogged, you will only find yourself jumping from one bad relationship into another.

 

In reading your posts, it is obvious that you have very good instincts. Whether this comes naturally, or from being in a committed relationship for nine years, its apparent you already have the skills you need to survive the ups and downs of the dating scene.

 

I think your first reaction to this situation; one of “relief,” was a healthier emotional response than what you are feeling now. There were several things in your previous posts that left me scratching my head and questioning the motives of this “special” lady.

 

On your second date she tells you:

 

She thinks it is too soon for me to get involved with someone and make a commitment.

 

At this time, she also tells you that she is dating someone else and after only four dates:

 

The person told her he wants to date her exclusively, but she wasn't willing to commit that to him.

 

Now, this is perfectly logical. Not many people would be ready to “commit” after only seeing someone four times. The fact that she agreed to spend time with you (another man) shows that she really wasn’t ready to settle down. Nor should you, at this time, have been ready to enter into a committed relationship with a woman you’ve only spent time with twice. Two rational, mature adults. No problem! Things were off to a healthy start and there was great potential.

 

But THEN, out of the blue, your lady does an about-face and suddenly changes her whole strategy! Now it was time to start turning the screws and put pressure on you to make a blind leap of faith. She begins by totally contradicting herself and saying:

 

She told me she doesn't like to date and likes getting to the exclusive relationship.

 

Now I ask you who, IN THEIR RIGHT MIND, would ever consider entering into an exclusive relationship without dating someone first!!?? This is absolutely crazy and makes no sense!

 

I fully understand her feelings about it, but this why I feel bad about it. She wants something I can't give her now. I don't know how long it will take for me to get there. I told her that I don't want to hold her back.

 

Your feelings regarding this were absolutely rational, but obviously NOT the response she was hoping for. Time for her to try a different tactic. This time, a ploy to test your feelings and see if she could stir any feelings of jealousy in you. It was also a way to convince you (or maybe herself) that she was still attractive and desirable. Obviously, while you were singing her praises here on the forum, you were doing a marvelous job of playing it “cool” in spite of her every effort. You had her doubting her feminine wiles. She would have never reverted to such juvenile head games otherwise! (ha ha)

 

For now, I just enjoying her company and hope not to become dependent on her. We are speaking everyday now and in the meantime I'm getting to know her better. Just the other day she was talking about some guy hitting on her at McDonalds. She has told me this a few times about guys hitting on her so I'm not sure why she is telling me. Either she feels she can tell me anything, or she is testing my feelings toward her. Right now I'm telling her that she can get involved if she is interested.

 

Once again, your telling her that it was okay to see other people WAS NOT the reaction she was looking for. You foiled her game AGAIN and this time probably insulted her ego to boot. Now it was time for her to step up her game. This time, by canceling your date and informing you that she was entering into an exclusive relationship with the other guy who she has been seeing only briefly, and who she obviously is not completely devoted to. The only difference between you and the other guy, is that he is more easily manipulated and willing to commit to what will be a short-lived relationship.

 

THIS is a lady on a mission. She is more in love with the idea of being in a relationship than she is with the partner she’s involved with. I’m thinking the children may be the motive. But you can bet she is absolutely enthralled by you, and your open invitation to the concert was an EXCELLENT move on your part. I could be wrong, but I have a feeling that you will probably be hearing from her again.

 

The question is…do you really want to involve yourself with someone like this? Already there are issues surfacing that weren’t apparent in your initial conversations.

 

Hang on Searching…you’re in for a bumpy ride!

 

And let us know when she calls. I’ve got a $50 bet going with my boyfriend!

[SeekingRealLove]

Wow EnigmaXOXO, that was a deep response! I haven't called her since she broke our date. She has until the end of the week to make her decision if she plans on attending the concert.

 

I kind of feel bad for her. I think she was afraid of getting close to me and getting hurt. She did say, "You never know" when we were ending our last conversion. She also said that "I'm a good catch". To me that meant she wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing.

 

She is more in love with the idea of being in a relationship than she is with the partner she’s involved with.

 

You above comment may be very right! We "clicked" so well that I have a hard tell thinking that she could "click" that well with someone else.

 

I miss her but I enjoyed the short time we spent together and our phone conversations. If she does call, I'm not sure how I'm going to react.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Good!

 

If I were in your situation, I would not be the one to make that first phone call either. Since your lady attempted to put closure on your relationship, she should be the one to contact you. You’ve left the door wide open, now you’ll have to exercise some patience while waiting to see if she’ll walk back through it. If she doesn’t call in time to make the concert, you can bet you’ll hear from her when her latest “fling” goes south.

 

You have unwittingly done something that will drive most women absolutely NUTTS...which may explain her sudden irrational behavior. This lady won’t be able to stop thinking about you!

 

In addition to being kind and sweet, you have made yourself available without being too vulnerable or gullible. If you hadn’t played “hard to get”---If you had given into her demands---If you had reacted negatively to her jealousy games---If you had picked up that phone, the mystery and challenge would be gone. You might even come off as seeming weak or “needy.” And to top it all off, you behaved like an absolute gentlemen when she cancelled your last date and informed you she was entering into an exclusive relationship with someone else. You gave her no reason to resent you and no reason be angry (accept at herself). Whether you realize it or not, you were absolutely BRILLIANT!

 

We have read posts from many wonderful men who, like you, are searching for honest relationships. Men who are also “good catches” but can not understand why women are not attracted to those “nice guys.” They wine and dine them, pursue them earnestly, call constantly, beg and grovel at their feet, only to have the lady of their dreams slip out the back door with a guy who treats them like crap. And many use the word “needy” when trying to advise these gentlemen how NOT to behave. It’s so difficult to describe the delicate balancing act of presenting yourself as “available” yet not “gullible.”

 

You have unwittingly mastered the art of subtle seduction without even realizing it! And I think you’ll find yourself a *female magnet* once you’ve given yourself the chance to meet and date a few more of them. Don’t consider this latest romantic adventure as a loss, but rather a victory. And please come back to this forum and use your wisdom and experience to help others who may one day find themselves in the same situation…

 

[SeekingRealLove]

Hi EnigmaXOXO,

 

Thanks for the compliments. I'm just trying to be myself without playing the games. I honestly feel I can not make a commitment at this time and that makes it easier not to get attachment (although I was starting to feel it with this lady).

 

It has been 3 days since I last spoke to her. I miss her sweet voice and the way we laughed together. This should prepare me for my next relationship.

 

I will definately share my experiences with others who need to hear my stories.

 

Thanks,

Seeking

[SeekingRealLove]

Well...it is Friday and I don't think she is going to call to tell me if she wants to go to the concert. I gave her until end of the week to make up her mind. Part of me wants her to call, the other part doesn't. Maybe I should not have left it open for her, but I thought it was the most strategic move at the time.

 

A friend of mine is trying to set me up with his wife's friend who is 24. I was a little concerned about the age difference (I'm 37), but she owns her own business and is suppose to be very mature. She is suppose to be blonde, tall, and very cute. Only problem is that she lives more than an hour away from my house. I don't like long distance relationships.

 

Anyone ever date someone with many years between them? I'm not sure I can handle such a big age difference.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Seeking,

 

My partner is nine (9) years younger than me and it has never been an issue. I have dated men older than myself who were less mature than some of the younger gentlemen I've dated.

 

It all depends on if you share common interests and similar points of view where "establishing relationships" are concerned. I would never advocate for a middle-aged person to date someone under 21, but I think the age gap disappears the older and more experienced two people get.

 

I know "fix-ups" by well meaning friends can turn into nightmares at times, but if I were you I'd give it a try! Who knows, if there is no chemistry, at least you might have made a friend. Sometimes when we are single, it helps to have a buddy of the opposite sex to give a perspective on how "the other side thinks." And if she has as much potential as your friend described, than I'll wager you'll forget that last lady real fast!

 

Don't sit around and count the days that pass between that last phone call. Get out and HAVE SOME FUN. You've been stuck alone in that house too long!

 

Who knows...maybe those concert tickets weren't a waste of money afterall!

[SeekingRealLove]

EnigmaXOXO,

 

I dated a 29 year old lady when I was 21 and she taught me a lot. I really enjoyed her company, but she moved to another state and I didn't want to leave with her. I should give her a call (friendship purposes). I haven't spoken to her in maybe 10 years!

 

My friend is cool and he spoke to his wife about this lady. I think his wife is 30. The problem is I don't know anything about her except she owns a bridal shop in Athens, Georgia. My friend has only seen her in pictures next to his wife. He says that she is tall like me, blonde, and very cute. I have never been one to be attracted to tall women. I know --- I worry to much!

 

The concert is in two weeks at my favorite venue --- Chastain Park Amphitheatre. It is a small, romantic place to see concerts. It holds about 3,000 people and you can bring in a table, candles, wine, and food. Rich Springfield is playing there that night. So the pressure is on me to find someone to go with or sell/give the tickets to someone. I have to decide by next week.

 

Well..it is time for me to go to bed. I have to get to work at 7:00 am. Yuck!

 

Good night!

[SeekingRealLove]

She finally called today! She left a voicemail message on my cell phone and said she didn't think it would be a good idea to go to the concert. She felt it was too much of a romantic atmosphere. She said it wouldn't be good because of her "friend". Apparently she and "Jeff" she was originally wanted the exclusive relationship with didn't work (in only one week). She then went back to the guy "Stan" that she likes, but she isn't attracted to him. He wanted a exclusive relationship with her. She told me that he told her that he loved her (after about 5 dates).

 

Silly me still asked her to the concert and told her we could go just as friends. She needs to ask Stan if it is okay. I would be surprised if he lets her go. I wouldn't!

 

I want to be her friend, but I'm not sure it would work. I think she wants to keep me as a backup or something.

 

What should I do?

[yes]

what kind of a life is that? she was exclusive with jeff, and it's over after ONE week? wth?

 

now she's exclusive with some dork who told her he loved her after 5 days AND she's not attracted to him? wth is this lady thinking? especially why on earth is she telling you all that?

 

if i were you, i'd stay away from her. she just doesn't sound healthy...

 

good luck

-yes

[SeekingRealLove]

Yes,

 

You are probably right. She can't control me so I think she may be insecure of her feelings. I really enjoyed being around her and talking to her, but it doesn't seem that she can make good decisions.

 

Seeking

[EnigmaXOXO]

You know, Seeking...

 

Although human behavior is innately fascinating, its predictability is so often disappointing. Just ONCE I’d like to see a little “twist” at the end of the plot…you know??

 

Oh well, I suppose its all just par for the course.

 

Anyway, I am so happy (for you) that she called. Now you know, without question, what this lady’s game is all about. You no longer have to carry around all that self-doubt about whether or not you did the right thing.

 

I think you should follow your instincts on this one as you have been all along. But now that you are aware of her motives (to nail you down to a committed relationship) don’t think for one moment that she’s going to stop pushing. As a matter of fact, now that she’s reestablished a connection with you, she may even step up her game. You must remain true to yourself, accepting no ultimatums until you are ready, and setting a pace that is comfortable for you. If she tries reaching back into her old bag of tricks, you may have to gently call her on it, reminding her that you are looking for a “grown up” relationship less all the complicated head games. Now that you are aware of her insecurities, it will help you to recognize the situation when it happens again.

 

Like I said before, you are in for one BUMPY RIDE with this lady! But I think you are adult enough to know how to handle it just fine. However, on a personal note, I’d still like to see you date a few other women before settling down to just this one.

 

Good Luck, Seeking! I’ll be following your post to see how everything turns out!

[SeekingRealLove]

EnigmaXOXO,

 

I know that this is going to be a bumpy ride! I don't know if I even want to deal with it right now. She has a wonderful personality and I laughed so much when we spent time together.

 

I do plan on dating other women. I already had one on Sunday, but I wasn't attracted to her. She also is a big flirt, but I didn't bite. I would still like to be her friend, but nothing more than that. I already explained this to her.

 

I have less than two weeks to find someone to take to the Rick Springfield concert at Chastain Park. The pressure is building up and I don't know what to do. I would really like to go with the lady that I have been talking about, but I think she is afraid of going out there with me. She keeps saying it is too romantic. I guess by the end of this week I will need to figure something out!

 

Seeking