How long do i wait for him

[andersks]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. He's 24 and I'm 26. I feel like our love has reached a point that seems right for marriage. Right now we're living together and have lived together for over a year. We sleep in the same bed, share our bills, have bank accounts together, and live and love each other as if we are already married.

 

He feels like he is not ready to get married. His reasoning is because we both have another 2 or 3 years until we are both done with college. He thinks we need to have accomplished some things before we start a new life and have our **** together. He wants us to have some financial stability. He has told me that he wants to marry me IN THE FUTURE.

 

I feel like I might be the only one sacrificing here and it's starting to make me question the relationship. Should I give him some time to feel ready and propose without any pressure from me? Or am i holding out for someone who's just making excuses? Should we both be done with school before we can focus on a family?

 

Any advise or encouragement would be greatly appreciated!

[MarieAntionette]

First (coming from experience here), ask yourself if you are ready for marriage. Marriage is forever (at least hopefully to most), and in a marriage if someone asks for something that may take several years... what's several years compared to rest of your life?

 

Marriage requires give and take, (I don't think) it's ever 50/50 (learned the hard way here), and in many cases there maybe very LONG periods of time when things for one are not as happy as things for the other. It's A LOT of sacrifice, it's about living for yourself, living for the other person, and helping the other person make the most out of their life as well. (At least that's my arrangement).

 

Has your SO given you any indication that he is stalling... has he indicated in the past (more than once) that he puts things off (major things that affects others ability to be happy)?

 

I think that his request sounds responsible, but not knowing him, I can't say that it is or isn't self serving. I WISH that my ex had completed school, and I wish that I had been able to do the same (got married very young)... but marriage can complicate many things, especially if you throw kids in there. When you are married (especially with kids) your life is NOT your own, your life (as your spouses should as well) should reflect that of the others in the family by their needs, desires and requirements.

 

I look at it like this: An education is an investment in a person, and when that person enters into a marriage (or partnership), then that investment becomes part of the whole, part of the family. I believe anything that improves a person, can improve the whole. Some investments take longer than others to mature, but you have to decide if you want that sort of investment, or if you want to be part of it.

 

My husbands job affects him, but it also affects all of us. Our time, our money (spent in order to have a job), and our husband/dad. When he is there, we are all sacrificing things in order for him (hopefully) to bring back more investment to our family than what we are sacrificing. (hope that made sense). I am a stay at home mom (for the time)... I am sacrificing my time in order to invest my energy, attention, love etc into my home and children and husband. I could go get a job, but I feel what I have to "put on the table" is better sacrificed directly rather than work outside the home right now. My kids sacrifice their time and energy into getting an education so that they can bring something to the table in later years (to our family, and later their own)... granted it's a requirement that they attend, they still I am sure would rather be doing other things

 

My point is, marriage is a long time (at least I think it should be), a lot longer than a few years, and having someone request to better themselves or having someone request that both partners bring skills and experience to the table isn't a bad thing.

 

You are already (as you said) living in a situation where you are all but married in the eyes of the law, is a piece of paper going to make it anymore real? Is marriage a marriage because it's on the books, or is it a marriage because of the sacrifice, love, investments, time, energy and many other things that are put into it?

 

You should define what marriage means to you so you can understand your expectations of what you want and then present them to your SO, if your preconceptions are not the same, then perhaps you could work them out so that you are both on the same page???

[Mr. Lucky]

Right now we're living together and have lived together for over a year. We sleep in the same bed, share our bills, have bank accounts together, and live and love each other as if we are already married.

So what would change if you had the piece of paper certifying you as "married" ???

 

Sounds like your BF is hedging his bets a little bit, since he seems to be enjoying all the benefits (sexual and otherwise) of marriage without the long-term committment. You'll have to figure out why the "til death do us part" aspect is more important to you than it is to him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Trialbyfire]

Try not to be in such a rush to get married, especially if you're still in school.

 

Having said that, why are you living with your b/f, if you're dissatisfied with the direction your relationship is taking? I agree with Mr. Lucky in that your b/f has all the benefits but not the responsibilities of being married. On the other hand, if he's not mature enough to want marriage, I also wouldn't push or pressure him.

 

You have a number of options you can take for yourself, since you cannot control his wants. You decide if the legality is worth the stress.

[Kazan]

relax.. he's acting perfectly normal