A question for you folks...

[RollMeAway]

For those of you that believe that physical attractiveness in a marriage is a requirement, at what point in time is 'hanging in there' more hurtful to you and her in the long run than trying time and again to make it work.

 

I've struggled with this issue with my wife for the 2 years we've been married and the years we were together before that.

 

For a long time I kept telling myself that '...if she loves me she'll find a way' but I don't think it's gonna happen like that. Admittedly, my communication skills in this area stunk, so I definately hold some of the blame here.

 

Someone out there in forumland is probably scratching their heads going "...so why'd you get married if you didn't find her attractive?".

 

Good question. Actually I was very attracted to her, but I would say that a lot of this was for who she was and not what she looked like.

 

I'm not sure how stupid it sounds, but I felt at the time that any imperfections or shortcomings I thought that she had would be rectified thru our relationship.

 

As time marched on in our marriage, she began to have longer and longer hours at work, as well as night school classes.

 

I gravitated more and more towards porn and 'self-service' (can you say that on here?).

 

I don't think I realized it at the time, but I think this was the start of a rift in our relationship, where I was not communicating something that I needed from my wife to her.

 

Looking back, I also stared a little too long at a few too many women during this time as well.

 

The only dialog I had with my wife at this point regarding this was that I wanted her to dress more attractive. When you have to take your wife to particular stores because they're the only ones that carry a certain size...let me put it this way, it wasn't working for me.

 

I decided that I would take some educational classes as well, and that's where I met the OW. I don't know if she classifies for the OW title but keep reading and you can tell me.

 

At first we would just say hi occasionally, but then we ended up sitting next to each other, and went out for lunch one day.

 

We didn't "click" in any sort of way (favorite colors, music, whatever). But we did get along and had fun talking about anything in general.

 

Let me fast forward here (the classes were on the weekends over a month and a half).

 

Eventually we ended up getting physical.

 

It was only then that I realized that I didn't have much in common at all with this woman. I barely knew her, she barely knew me. The other day as I was thinking about it I asked myself what I thought the perfect woman would be, and mentally in my mind I tore my wife's head off a picture and pasted it on the OW's body.

 

I wasn't in love with this OW, I was lusting after her body.

 

Now it could definately be said that I didn't 'have it together', as I married my wife, knowing full well the details.

 

So at this point, I am struggling with the possibility that maybe my taste changed? Or that this physical thing that didn't mean so much to me before means something more to me now.

 

I've only been married once and I am keen on learning from others that have been there...what kind of changes in a person result in a marriage being unworkable? At what point are my needs too much a burden to hang over my spouse's head?

 

Keep in mind that I do truly believe that this is a need, something that I need to get from a relationship. If it sounds self-centered it's because it is. I'm not attempting to put blame on anyone other than myself for my actions, because they are entirely my own actions.

 

But the situation with my level of attraction to my spouse led to me going down a path of porn and online krap like that.

 

Other details include the following:

 

We've been married for 2 years and have no kids.

 

I am in my late 20's, spouse is 2 years older, OW is 4 years older.

 

OW fully knows I'm married.

 

OW is with a boyfriend in a long term (10 years) relationship that is going nowhere due to (what she said) his immaturity / actions.

 

My spouse won't be done with education for another 4 years, and the line of work she is in leaves me thinking that she will be married to her job.

 

I got drunk last night (nothin' like liquid courage) and broke down and told my wife that physically this wasn't working for me. I made the same promises again to her, I'll work out with you, I'll eat bad tasting diet food with you, pay for the health club, hire a dietician, etc etc.

 

The same promises I made before. She's had lipo a couple of times as well.

 

I left out two things to her...my encounter with the OW and my feeling that this is the last time I can deal with this issue not being addressed. I really feel like I'm at my wit's end, I don't think I can continue to be with her if we cannot find a solution to this.

 

I've beat myself up for the past 6 years or so, everytime I thought of her weight I told myself to stop being so superficial and shallow. But now I have come to realize that being honest with myself was something I wasn't willing or able to do.

 

I don't think about the OW that much, I occasionally see her for lunch but nothing past that at the moment. There are no promises of us (the OW and I) being together or anything. I've realized that the way I feel around her has nothing to do with the danger, or with who she is, it's simply what she looks like.

 

I appreciate your thoughts on the matter, and I appreciate this site and having the opportunity to post this and get other's opinions on it.

 

Let me know if you have any questions for me, I would be happy to answer.

 

Thanks,

 

-RollMeAway

[quankanne]

while your attraction to the other woman because she was physically appealing is of some concern (more on that later), the bigger worry is that it doesn't sound like you and your wife are effectively communicating.

 

yes, sex and attraction are a huge part of a marriage, but as you pointed out, you mentally still desire your wife (her head on another woman's body) because despite what problems you have, your heart is stuck on her, you know?

 

maybe coming clean about the affair would have given your wife a clearer picture of how seriously bad things are between you … cruel, yes, but definitely a wake-up call that the marriage needs to have first priority with the both of you.

 

is she open to going to a marriage counsellor with you? Not to "fix" her or you, but to give you the tools you need to build a stronger marriage. And to face the issues that affect your relationship, not bury your head in the sand and pretend they don't matter.

 

stepping out on your marriage wasn't the brightest thing to do, though I can see how frustration can lead to a decision to cheat. The big question on that topic is whether you honestly want to work on your marriage or you're honestly ready to just make a clean break.

 

again, I can see how being frustrated or overwhelmed by what's going on can make someone not consider things fully, but you owe it to yourself – and especially to your marriage – to give it your best shot before walking away. And that means getting out of y'alls comfort zones and actively seeking a way to rebuild the marriage to where is something BOTH of you feel good about ...

 

best of luck to you,

q

[MarieAntionette]

I think, maybe, I'd ask myself if my SO and I are understanding (really understanding) the other persons needs.

 

I put on weight since I met my husband. A lot more when I was pregnant, lost much of it, put some back on, but I don't look like I did 10 years ago. I've thought seriously (wondering) if I should "lose the weight to make him happy", but I found that when I did, it was for him, not for me, and a few weeks of treats treats and more treats I was back to where I was. I have found that my husband and I have to have some common ground in order to adopt it into our life, and I say "our" in a big way. He's tried to exercise with me, but it comes down to time for both of us, and we decided that we have other things we like to do together during that time, we try to eat healthier, but we both know that I don't look like I did. However if he told me "I NEED you to do this" then I would probably look at it two fold... 1. why does he need this, and 2. do I need this. If it were to make our marriage better, then I would do it, because my desire is to have a good marriage for my family.

 

I see myself, as myself, but I also see myself as an important part of US... I'm the other 50%, and in order for me to adopt a belief, and bring it into our union, he has to as well.

 

Some people I know tell me I'm nuts, but I'm a firm believer that WYSIWYG. When I met my husband I told him he was going to have to like me for who I was, not matter what, and I expected him to expect the same. My husband has some pretty unattractive things in his life (as do I believe me), things that I found out about later on, but overall I still felt he was a good guy. I love him, faults and all, beer belly, stinky feet, bad choice in books, the list could go on, but my list of his good things (fortunately) is longer and those things are more important to me.

 

I have had my chances to look elsewhere, but my choice was more about "what's good for me as a person", maybe not what I would of wanted directly... (I might want to eat the twinkie but I grab the apple because I know it's a better choice). I think it's about realizing that the person you are with is making you a better person, and not taking away from you as a person. My friends told me "you are settling"... did I? I'm happy, he's happy... was that settling, for us both of us to have some of what we want, and knowing that giving someone else some of what they want made them happier?

 

I think, my suggestion, would be that you (both) (in my opinion) are living 50/50... but not for the other person, does that make sense? It sounds from what you said, that you love your wife, but are not "in love" with your wife... and that you have grown apart. Would that summize it... and that you both have to want to be "for each other", and not just for yourselves? I think (echoing my other post) that the education and job are great, so long as you both have goals you are working towards and that is the reason you are doing it, not just as an escape from the problems at hand. I think the OW is simply an escape and you are using your frustrations to justify the feelings there (ouch, sorry there)...

 

Do you want this to work? Does your wife want this to work? Do you both have common goals? Do you both have the ability and desire to communicate enough to pull through this?

 

I would suggest couples therapy, or if you aren't comfortable with that, at least coming together and finding a way to address where you are and where you are wanting to go, you both may find you want the same thing!!!!

 

Gosh, good luck on this!!

[RollMeAway]

Thanks for the replies, I really do appreciate it.

 

Looking back over my initial post it seems that I forgot to mention that my wife has told me that she has a problem with food. She can't control portions and is a closet eater.

 

To give you an idea, there are certain foods that we just can't keep in the house because she will sit down privately and eat all of it. I know it probably sounds like a joke or something but it's not.

 

I felt much better after my encounter with the OW. Like I got something (attention) that I wasn't getting at home. I thought about it on the drive home from work today. I would say in a given week, my wife gets home at 8 or 9pm, 3 days or more a week. When she does get home at 6pm or so, it is to work on something else, not to spend time with me.

 

In a way I do still love my wife, and although honesty is always the best thing, I know deep down that confronting her about this and how serious it is to me could perhaps end the marraige right there.

 

I see MarieAntionette's point about the OW being an escape. When I reach down to think about how I feel for my wife I feel really empty inside, hollow.

 

Does it make any sense to love someone for who they are but not love them romantically?

 

My wife has often told me at great length the verbal/mental abuse she received as a child from her mother concerning her weight.

 

I wonder if this is something that we can fix together or if I'm just going to give her another bad story about someone she cares about and her weight.

 

For a long time when I would think about this I would do one of two things:

1. Tell myself I was being shallow and uncaring

or

2. Tell myself that I know that she loves me and this will somehow work it out.

 

I find myself now 6 years older, but not much wiser I feel.

 

I don't think of any future with the OW, I think of resolving the issue with my wife.

 

One of the replies asked if I wanted to save the marriage, or if I was ready to call it quits.

 

If I really truly believed 100% that this could work out I would.

 

But the more I turn the situation over in my head I feel like a square peg in a round hole.

[RollMeAway]

while your attraction to the other woman because she was physically appealing is of some concern (more on that later), the bigger worry is that it doesn't sound like you and your wife are effectively communicating.

 

yes, sex and attraction are a huge part of a marriage, but as you pointed out, you mentally still desire your wife (her head on another woman's body) because despite what problems you have, your heart is stuck on her, you know?

 

maybe coming clean about the affair would have given your wife a clearer picture of how seriously bad things are between you … cruel, yes, but definitely a wake-up call that the marriage needs to have first priority with the both of you.

 

is she open to going to a marriage counsellor with you? Not to "fix" her or you, but to give you the tools you need to build a stronger marriage. And to face the issues that affect your relationship, not bury your head in the sand and pretend they don't matter.

 

stepping out on your marriage wasn't the brightest thing to do, though I can see how frustration can lead to a decision to cheat. The big question on that topic is whether you honestly want to work on your marriage or you're honestly ready to just make a clean break.

 

again, I can see how being frustrated or overwhelmed by what's going on can make someone not consider things fully, but you owe it to yourself – and especially to your marriage – to give it your best shot before walking away. And that means getting out of y'alls comfort zones and actively seeking a way to rebuild the marriage to where is something BOTH of you feel good about ...

 

best of luck to you,

q

 

it doesn't sound like you and your wife are effectively communicating.

 

I agree.

 

you mentally still desire your wife (her head on another woman's body) because despite what problems you have, your heart is stuck on her, you know?

 

At this point to be honest I'm not sure. I feel an uncertainty about how much this physical thing is coloring the moment. Do I feel more strongly about it because I've finally stopped lying to myself? Would it be right to stay with my wife, if I knew she couldn't change? I don't feel the romance that we once had, and looking back I feel that this buried issue played a part and definately effected the romance that we did have in a negative way.

 

is she open to going to a marriage counsellor with you? Not to "fix" her or you, but to give you the tools you need to build a stronger marriage. And to face the issues that affect your relationship, not bury your head in the sand and pretend they don't matter.

 

I haven't raised it as an issue, but I have seriously considered going to a counselor myself. I'm certain she'd be up to it, but again I worry that this is a problem that we can't solve.

 

stepping out on your marriage wasn't the brightest thing to do, though I can see how frustration can lead to a decision to cheat.

 

I agree. I don't feel that it was frustration as much as I think the OW provided something that I wasn't getting at home. It wasn't a pre-planned thing, and I was honestly shocked of myself after the fact. It was then I started really coming to terms with how much I had bottled this up.

 

The big question on that topic is whether you honestly want to work on your marriage or you're honestly ready to just make a clean break.

 

Again, I'm not really certain of which. I wonder if we can get over this hurdle. Then I wonder after all that pain to get thru it, will there really be anything left of our relationship? I can think of a million reasons why my spouse is a great person, but I've realized that there are things that matter to me that she might not be so great at.

 

Having known that she had some type of disorder before we tied the knot, I can say now that I thought I had it together, that I could handle that as part of our lives together.

 

Now I don't think I can handle it.

 

Man, it sounds so petty but all of the problems associated with this have built up on me for so long. This I have communicated to her. With the resounding stoic reply that "that is the way it is" and that it will be like that for the rest of her life.

 

I honestly don't know if I can really handle that anymore. I'm sure that other marriages have gotten over far worse, but that's not my marriage.

 

I'm sure that someone out there reading this thinks I'm not being "man enough" to just suck it up, but for the first time in years I'm finally admitting it to myself and I feel so free.

 

And anyone that feels I'm not being "man enough"...take heed, it is thinking along those lines that got me in the situation I'm in.

[Mr. Lucky]

Someone out there in forumland is probably scratching their heads going "...so why'd you get married if you didn't find her attractive?".

 

Good question. Actually I was very attracted to her, but I would say that a lot of this was for who she was and not what she looked like.

I'm assumming that by "didn't find her attractive", you mean her weight. If so, could you elaborate on what you DID find attractive about her? Has to be a reason you fell in love with and got married to her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RollMeAway]

I loved and still love her smile. I love the fact that she gets my jokes and quips, I've never met someone that understood that part of me.

 

When a lot of other people thought I would never get anywhere, she stood up for me and helped me get back on my feet.

[quankanne]

I'm sure that someone out there reading this thinks I'm not being "man enough" to just suck it up, but for the first time in years I'm finally admitting it to myself and I feel so free.

 

honestly? I think you're incredibly man enough just admitting there's a problem – it's human nature to hide from the things that hurt us, and you're being pretty blunt here.

 

what you've shared about your MiL's harassment/abuse of your wife over weight issues sheds a light on her struggle with weight. Do you think that maybe's she's convinced herself that as long as you don't bring it up, then you don't have concerns with the weight problem? Again, that's a way of burying her head from the situation and the problems it's causing.

 

same with the work issue: Not talking it over with you to assess how you feel about the time spent away from the marriage is also intentionally burying her head from the situation …

 

is she the type of person who would appreciate you being frank? And telling her that you feel the marriage is falling apart or that you're worried about having lost (or never having forged) that connection? Let her know that you're willing to see a counsellor to help get y'all on track – it could be she just needs that nudge to see that she's living as a married single while you want to be a married couple with her.

 

from a marriage old-timer: Romance in a marriage has its ups and downs based on what's going on with your life, and it's pretty much something you have to work at. Or at least establish a base understanding that even when things are going crappy between the two of you, or you don't feel romantic, or even when you just want to pinch the other person's head off for being such a twit, the love doesn't change. Because I think we tend to make that part of our relationships conditional: If I'm happy with my husband, I love him, but when he's being a jackass, I can't love him because he's hurting me in some way. Rather than saying to each other "Right now I'm really pissed at/upset by/hurt with you, but that doesn't change how much I love you."

 

however, I think I might be preaching to the choir … talk to your wife and tackle it step by step … for example, "if she says yes, then we do A-B-C, but if she refuses to help the marriage grow my option is to leave at such-and-such point." That way you have an idea of the goal you're working toward, and a point of knowing when it's time to say goodbye.

 

don't beat yourself by thinking she's going to say no. Sometimes all it takes is asking to get a person's attention.

 

I do want to apologize for suggesting the shock factor in approaching your wife – that was pretty tasteless to suggest when I should have realized that this is a painful situation for you to be in, especially when you care so much about her. I'm sorry for being such a twit, y'know?

 

q

[RollMeAway]

what you've shared about your MiL's harassment/abuse of your wife over weight issues sheds a light on her struggle with weight. Do you think that maybe's she's convinced herself that as long as you don't bring it up, then you don't have concerns with the weight problem? Again, that's a way of burying her head from the situation and the problems it's causing.

 

I think that could be part of it. I think both of us have been keeping our heads under the sand about it. The gorilla in the room as they say.

 

same with the work issue: Not talking it over with you to assess how you feel about the time spent away from the marriage is also intentionally burying her head from the situation …

 

I think in some way it is something that she can 'get right'. What I mean is, regardless of the stress between us, it's something that she can exert control over. I've been guilty of this as well, in the past 6 months I started working 80+ hours per week. This finally boiled over in her telling me to work less. A feeling/complaint I haven't yet reciprocated back to her regarding her school.

 

is she the type of person who would appreciate you being frank? And telling her that you feel the marriage is falling apart or that you're worried about having lost (or never having forged) that connection? Let her know that you're willing to see a counsellor to help get y'all on track – it could be she just needs that nudge to see that she's living as a married single while you want to be a married couple with her.

 

While I think she would prefer me to be frank, I am hesitant. I'm hesitant that we won't be able to get past the weight issue. I'm also hesitant that she won't be willing and/or able to give up or alter her schooling. I'm also concerned that after making these sacrifices and realizing how dire the situation is, that it may after all server to be the demise of the marriage and leave her in a worse state.

 

It bothers me to admit, but I have wondered if it would just be better to let the marriage fade out and us separate without going into all this detail. What I mean is, if she can't change or isn't able, what purpose will this serve? Sorry if that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

 

I'm willing to see a counselor myself, but I'm not yet able to see one with her. I feel she would be willing, but looking at the issues between us, they seem very black and white (it could be that my perspective is skewed). So I feel that either being outright frank or seeing a counselor together would be an abrupt confrontation. If you read this and feel I'm avoiding something you think I'm shouldn't, feel free to say so.

 

however, I think I might be preaching to the choir … talk to your wife and tackle it step by step … for example, "if she says yes, then we do A-B-C, but if she refuses to help the marriage grow my option is to leave at such-and-such point." That way you have an idea of the goal you're working toward, and a point of knowing when it's time to say goodbye.

 

She has made the point that the food thing will be something that will never leave her. I guess the part for me that makes this especially difficult is that if she feels she can't do it, it pretty much says that the marriage is over. That's pretty steep. Part of this that has been helpful is exploring for (what feels like) the first time fully what I think I need in the relationship. I really hate putting it that way, but by definition, it is a self centered thing. I would rather be labeled self centered then go on lying to myself.

 

I do want to apologize for suggesting the shock factor in approaching your wife – that was pretty tasteless to suggest when I should have realized that this is a painful situation for you to be in, especially when you care so much about her. I'm sorry for being such a twit, y'know?

 

Nah, don't sweat it. From the little I know about relationships, the best foundations are built on honesty. If I wasn't in this situation now, and someone came to me regarding something similar I would have said the same thing.

 

from a marriage old-timer: Romance in a marriage has its ups and downs based on what's going on with your life, and it's pretty much something you have to work at. Or at least establish a base understanding that even when things are going crappy between the two of you, or you don't feel romantic, or even when you just want to pinch the other person's head off for being such a twit, the love doesn't change. Because I think we tend to make that part of our relationships conditional: If I'm happy with my husband, I love him, but when he's being a jackass, I can't love him because he's hurting me in some way. Rather than saying to each other "Right now I'm really pissed at/upset by/hurt with you, but that doesn't change how much I love you."

 

I think some of the other forum posters coined the term "married roommate" or something similar. Do I love her? Yes, and I care about her a lot. But I feel like something died between us (man I sound like a sad love song or something here).

 

I realize that a relationship is something that you continue to work on. I suppose in some ways that we missed the boat on some of that maintenance.

 

And I feel like a grade A jacka55 for failing to have my head squared away straight on what I needed before I committed. I also thought that I could find a way to deal with the disorder, but it kicked me a lot harder than I thought it would.

 

Before I met my wife, the girls I would date I would take out and we would go to the mall and they'd try on clothes and stuff. We all seem to have a blast with it. I've always had a pretty good eye for fashion (I have no clue why lol). Anyways, with my wife, being insecure and unhappy with her body, this was a total disaster. At one point I thought we made progress with it, but it pretty much went away.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm willing to see a counselor myself, but I'm not yet able to see one with her. I feel she would be willing, but looking at the issues between us, they seem very black and white (it could be that my perspective is skewed). So I feel that either being outright frank or seeing a counselor together would be an abrupt confrontation. If you read this and feel I'm avoiding something you think I'm shouldn't, feel free to say so.

Some may feel differently, but I don't see any way (short of you just going AWOL one day) of your dealing with the issues in your marriage without some frank and open discussion with your wife. You have the additional challenge of her having to process the fact that, even though she was heavy when you met and married her, you aren't attracted to her now because of her weight and lifestyle. MC seems like the most structured environment for that kind of talk, so I'm not sure why you resist the idea.

 

In the meantime, stop cheating. At the minimum, your W deserves your full attention (regardless of the outcome) while you work through this. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[curiousnycgirl]

Oh boy you've got a kettle of fish there - and much of what you've written hits home for me.

 

My parents were also quite abusive to me about weight throughout my childhood. They are both significantly overweight yet felt it was ok to embarrasss, humiliate and even hit me over weight/size issues. The funny thing is that at the time I was usually underweight!

 

Unfortunately it became a self fulfilling prophecy. I became a sneak eater, and a binger. Ultimately, once I left the house, I ballooned up to over 250 lbs. Since then I've lost and gained hundreds of lbs. Thankfully I've never gone back up to my highest weight again, but it is a constant struggle for me. Bottom line is that if you make the issue with your wife about her weight - she will only perpetuate the secret eating/binging.

 

The truth is that weight is only a single symptom of G-d only knows what other abuses her parents foisted upon her as a child. I assure you they have done a lot of damage to her feelings of self worth in many, many ways. Trust me I know! I've been there and continue to battle my demons every single day. (I also spent years as a workaholic - so weight is not the only similarity)

 

It is a good thing that she has admitted this issue to you, and that she has shared with you what foods cannot be in the house, etc. These are all baby steps, recognizing the problem is always the first step. What she really needs is therapy. Only she can fix this problem, and she can only be successful if she wants to be for herself.

 

I am also fairly confident that it is imperative that she at least begin wanting to and working on herself before she can really make any progress in MC. But I may be wrong on this one.

 

Bottom line for you is you need to decide if you want to be there, patiently and supportively, to help her heal what ails her. If the answer to that is yes, then I suggest figuring out how to discuss this issue in a manner that won't make her shut down. I have some ideas, but won't go into that until you advise which way you want to go.

 

Your other option is to decide it's not what you want/need in marriage at this point in your life and then you need to move on. That won't make you a bad person, so please don't assume I am judging you.

 

I'll check back tomorrow - good luck to you. You have a lot on your plate and a lot to think about!

[lonelybird]

HI, IMO the conditional bargain will backfire eventually. such as 'if you do this, then I will do that', much like ultimatum, no women like this. only increase resentment in her heart and she can become negative about whole situation, all your advises to lose weight will fall on deaf ears

 

I know your patience run out right now, but how about try a little harder, maybe the method you used isn't effective. it seems it is worth because your wife is the only one who stood up for you when you had difficult times. can you do same for her?

 

Instead of negative approach, how about begin to compliment her and mean it in your heart? you know, beauty is in beholder's eyes, a little compliment will boost her confident, rather than complain she is fat, and slowly she will want to make positive change by herself.

 

how about both of you work out in gym in the name of 'increase quality of life'? how about go hiking together in a mountain? I think your wife will like that without doubt that you are discontent with her figure.

 

A little bit change of approach maybe bring good result. and words you speak to is very important. such as: you look thinner than before; you look sexy....yada, yada, say it even you think the change is not obvivious

[Ladyjane14]

....but I have wondered if it would just be better to let the marriage fade out and us separate without going into all this detail. What I mean is, if she can't change or isn't able, what purpose will this serve?

 

On first blush, yes... that would seem be the kindest way. But I don't believe you've considered the healing time on the backside or what she really needs to take away from this experience after the fact.

 

This girl will need to understand WHY the marriage ended and she'll tear herself up trying to figure it all out. In the end, by denying her the truth, you damage her more, because you leave her repeating her same pattern and not knowing what qualities to look for in a prospective future mate.

 

You married her under false pretenses. That's important data for her to utilize in making future decisions. It's obvious that you married this woman expecting her to change. That's just not right. And if she's not allowed to view the Big Picture, she's going to be filling in the blanks with God only knows what.

 

Regardless of any warmth you feel for her, you haven't said anything here that convinces me that you truly love her or that you even know what love is. To be frank, I think you're probably confusing Infatuation with Love, and they are NOT the same. One fades away, the other does not.

 

The average shelf-life of Infatuation is only about 2-4 years, and although in the presence of illicit extramarital affair it can be extended longer, that's not your situation. Your relationship with your wife has a day-to-day quality which negates that effect.

 

If you consider Infatuation to be a seed from which Love might either bloom or wither... it seems fairly obvious that in your case Love has failed to thrive.

 

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I don't think it's completely sh*tty the way you've sneaked out behind this woman's back and EXPOSED her to the risk of STD's. Nothing about her weight, attractiveness, or closet-eating warrants that kind of physical threat. I can't believe that YOU would like to have the shoe on the other foot... your life and future fertility placed on the gambling table without your consent or knowledge? Nope, I don't think you'd like it if it were YOU being done that way.

 

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

My advice to you would be to pack your junk and look this woman in the eye and tell her EVERYTHING. It seems only fair to me that if you can't love her the way she needs to be loved, that you set her feet on the path in such a way as to give her the best shot at future success. You owe her that much at least.

 

She's going to be hurt and she's going to cry. That's a given, and you'll need to be prepared to deal with her panic and her pleas. But better a broken heart than a broken spirit. Life with a partner who doesn't REALLY love you is a sentence I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

[LucreziaBorgia]

my wife has told me that she has a problem with food. She can't control portions and is a closet eater.

 

To give you an idea, there are certain foods that we just can't keep in the house because she will sit down privately and eat all of it. I know it probably sounds like a joke or something but it's not.

 

 

My wife has often told me at great length the verbal/mental abuse she received as a child from her mother concerning her weight.

 

It doesn't sound like a joke to me. Binge eating is a serious disorder. It can have some devastating consequences. I struggle with this, and have for years. Her weight is a byproduct of a more serious thing, and if you focus on the weight without working on the disorder, it will have about as much effect as putting a bandaid on cancer.

 

Has she sought out help for it?

[lovelorcet]

I don't know man... I am going to take the gloves of for a bit here.

 

You really are a coward. You have been avoiding this issue throughout your entire relationship and now you have gone out and cheated on your wife. This has a lot more to do with your lack of communication to her, than her weight.

 

Your wife obviously has a food addiction and instead of helping her, you went out and broke her heart. If the roles were reversed would she have done something like that to you?

 

You married her, you took on the responsibility and how did you handle that?

 

You need to decide if you are into this marriage and ready to do some serious work to help your wife or let her go.

[RollMeAway]

Hi everyone, I wanted to let you all know that I am reading all your responses and I appreciate them greatly, both the positive and negative ones.

 

One thing that I had not yet mentioned was that she was seeing a counselor/psych for her eating issues that brought out a lot of problems between her mother and her. She lost her father when she was really young, I'm sure that couldn't have helped.

 

And just to clarify, I did not have sex with the OW.

 

I don't think I could have sex with someone else while married.

 

I think in a way lovelorcet may be right in that I avoided the issue. I'm willing to accept responsibility for my actions, but I think there were many things that contributed to all of this.

 

Again, thank you all for the input, I'll set aside some time tonight (I'm currently at the beginning of my workday) to respond to everyone.

 

Thank you again for your input.

[quankanne]

What I mean is, if she can't change or isn't able, what purpose will this serve? Sorry if that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

 

no matter how things play out, I think you'll understand the difference as "I honestly did my best." Because as Lady Jane points out, on the outset just walking away from a bad situation sounds like a good plan, but you really haven't resolved anything, just put that conversation off for another day. Because believe me, your wife will want to know why you handed her a whammy like that without explaining your reasoning behind it. I think you owe it to yourself to see it through – be it working on the marriage or leaving it, but definitely communicating your needs and frustrations and desires with the woman. If anything, it'll give her a better appreciation of what it takes to build a solid marriage … we are not mind-readers when it comes to interpersonal relationships, so we cannot "solve" problems we're not aware of.

 

and then there's the matter of closure for YOU. It sounds as if your mind is already made up, and you're hoping to just fade away, but you're not doing yourself any favors if you go that route. The only way you'll get the emotional/mental healing you need is to face the problem directly, and talk to your wife. It's going to be painful in more ways than one, but I think you'll find more catharsis in dealing with things head-on, than to just assume it cannot work.

 

again, I think you're a brave guy for even admitting to having these kinds of feelings. Now you just need to share them with your spouse and go from there.

[Ladyjane14]

Eventually we ended up getting physical.

 

My mistake. I stand corrected. You said "physical", not "sexual".

 

So, how "physical" are we talking here?

[4whatItsWorth]

Coming from someone who used to pick up thrown chocolates from the trash in the middle of the night while crying...

 

I used to have both anorexia and bulimia later on...I can tell you that you can get past the parts of over-eating...but I doubt you can ever get away from the occasional feelings of "OMG I'm so fat...I should not eat...if I puke I'll make it better..."

 

It's good your wife went to counselling...not all of us can get out of it alone. I think you should have focused on the facts that obesity/overweight is negative for the health and can result in earlier death even... instead of the attractiveness.

 

It's shameful you married your wife and letting her think you thought she was "the most attractive woman in the world" - because that is what we girls expect when we marry the man of our dreams...not that he only is interested in the brains. (Sure that's great but a woman needs to feel sexy too!)

 

I'm worried, like others, you don't really want the wife the way she is...and that is not fair on her. You can't demand her to quit her career, get a body like an OW...what if she told you to look like Brad Pitt? Even if she lost weight - the food issues would remain. She needs to become healthy and have a good relationship with food before she is ready to loose the weight...But avoiding the "binge foods" is step one.

 

Perhaps you need to be blunt and say "I don't find you attractive. And I sought it elsewhere." But I think that might only damage it even more...I suggest you sit down, give goals and plan how to do it - ask her to join some fat loss group - it's easier when you're not alone! She needs to understand WHY, WHAT and WHEN in order to be able to save the marriage...and along the way you need to shower her with love (if there is any left) and be supportive. Give her "treats" like mini holiday if she's lost some weight - awards help too! (like something nice that isn't candy when she's doing good) ...and a bedroom treat is never wrong.

 

I dunno if you mentioned...do you and your wife have a good or bad sex life? How much attention to her body, like foreplay, do you practice?

[Mr. Lucky]

My mistake. I stand corrected. You said "physical", not "sexual".

 

So, how "physical" are we talking here?

Usually when you say "it got physical", you're talking about trading punches. Hope that's not the case, you have enough neuroses on your plate already !

 

Mr. Lucky

[RollMeAway]

Some may feel differently, but I don't see any way (short of you just going AWOL one day) of your dealing with the issues in your marriage without some frank and open discussion with your wife.

 

And I can say that I do plan on talking to her. I feel that I need to get my head sorted first with a counselor myself. I think that was part of my problem from the get go...I need to walk to the marriage with it firmly together...the marriage is not going to fix anything itself.

 

You have the additional challenge of her having to process the fact that, even though she was heavy when you met and married her, you aren't attracted to her now because of her weight and lifestyle. MC seems like the most structured environment for that kind of talk, so I'm not sure why you resist the idea.

 

That is pretty much it in a nutshell. I haven't been honest with myself. And therefore I was unable to be honest with my wife in that area. I agree that an MC is going to help. I just need to have myself sorted before I try to discuss this with her and an MC. I wouldn't be helping it along for sure.

 

In the meantime, stop cheating. At the minimum, your W deserves your full attention (regardless of the outcome) while you work through this. Keep us posted...

 

Just to make sure we're on the level, I didn't have sex with the OW. It was one short make out session. Not a long drawn out affair or anything. That's not an attempt to trivialize it, just sticking to the facts.

[RollMeAway]

My parents were also quite abusive to me about weight throughout my childhood. They are both significantly overweight yet felt it was ok to embarrasss, humiliate and even hit me over weight/size issues. The funny thing is that at the time I was usually underweight!

 

From what I understand it was her mom. Her father died of cancer when she was pretty young. Years before I met her, when she was in high school she was much more heavy.

 

Unfortunately it became a self fulfilling prophecy. I became a sneak eater, and a binger. Ultimately, once I left the house, I ballooned up to over 250 lbs. Since then I've lost and gained hundreds of lbs. Thankfully I've never gone back up to my highest weight again, but it is a constant struggle for me. Bottom line is that if you make the issue with your wife about her weight - she will only perpetuate the secret eating/binging.

 

The issue is with her physical appearance and the disorder. Although I just registered on this forum, we both have a long history with this. Thru the entire process I denied my own feelings to accomidate and help her. That was what I was raised to believe, taking care of my spouse and her needs, and I feel I've done that. Unfortunately thru some missteps along the way I have ignored some of my own needs and desires. I've seen these come out in ways that I want nothing to do with.

 

Honesty is a real pain in the ass. But I think honesty is the only real future. I hope that makes sense.

 

The truth is that weight is only a single symptom of G-d only knows what other abuses her parents foisted upon her as a child. I assure you they have done a lot of damage to her feelings of self worth in many, many ways. Trust me I know! I've been there and continue to battle my demons every single day. (I also spent years as a workaholic - so weight is not the only similarity)

 

It's funny you should mention the workaholic thing. I think we both have a touch of that. And although I understand that she has problems, I've realized that I have been completely focused on her issues and have ended up with problems of my own.

 

I hope that my posts here don't lead anyone to think that I'm here to assign blame or skirt responsibility. Nor did I come here for justification of my actions. I'm just looking to discuss these things with others that have been there before me. I hope that comes across the right way. Having you folks to discuss this with is a good thing, even when some of the comments are negative.

 

It is a good thing that she has admitted this issue to you, and that she has shared with you what foods cannot be in the house, etc. These are all baby steps, recognizing the problem is always the first step. What she really needs is therapy. Only she can fix this problem, and she can only be successful if she wants to be for herself.

 

Yes, that last sentence is so true. Like the saying about not being able to love someone else if you cannot love yourself. The limited food selection is something that we had to deal with before the marriage. While my presence on this forum is new, this issue for our relationship is over 5 years old. She was going to an eating therapist...but eventually her interest in going trailed off...I'm not going to hold a gun to someone's head to make them go.

 

I am also fairly confident that it is imperative that she at least begin wanting to and working on herself before she can really make any progress in MC. But I may be wrong on this one.

 

I think that decisions that will effect us for a long time will be made in a very short time. Let me elaborate. We're going to see an MC. When that happens, she is going to realize that I'm at the end of the false starts and dashed promises. If I have one thing that scares me the most about MC it is that. I hope that she will finally realize that it needs to happen, but I'm really not 100% on that.

 

Bottom line for you is you need to decide if you want to be there, patiently and supportively, to help her heal what ails her. If the answer to that is yes, then I suggest figuring out how to discuss this issue in a manner that won't make her shut down. I have some ideas, but won't go into that until you advise which way you want to go.

 

I still want to be together with her. But I feel changes will have to be made. I haven't approached her yet, as I feel the MC would be a better situation. I'm going to see a counselor privately, I expect a bit of time will be spent discussion the proper way to discuss this with her. Talking with her (just me and her) has been what has NOT worked in the past. I appreciate the offer, and if you feel like not sharing in this thread, feel free to PM me, I promise I'll keep it to myself.

 

Your other option is to decide it's not what you want/need in marriage at this point in your life and then you need to move on. That won't make you a bad person, so please don't assume I am judging you.

 

While I understand the line of thinking on this, I'm only going to move on in a couple of situations: 1. If she wants me to move on 2. If she can't get this moving in the right direction.

 

When I made my vows, I promised to stay with her thru the good and the bad. Now someone is probably pointing at that last sentence and going "AH-HA! Painted himself in a corner..." but I've realized that if I drive myself nuts by not meeting my needs, it doesn't matter if I'm around to share a life with her, as I won't have one.

 

Thank you again for letting me know what you think. Sharing your opinion isn't judging. Besides all you folks were on here before me, so you can just say that I came in asking for it.

[RollMeAway]

HI, IMO the conditional bargain will backfire eventually. such as 'if you do this, then I will do that', much like ultimatum, no women like this. only increase resentment in her heart and she can become negative about whole situation, all your advises to lose weight will fall on deaf ears

 

Hi nail. Meet head.

 

That's a very good point. Unfortunately, regardless of whether she is happy about the current situation, I am not. I haven't been for quite some time. Don't misunderstand, I agree completely with you about the expected lack of success via an ultimatum. Again though, like curiousnycgirl stated, she has to want to do it. And this time I can't have a false promise about this. It really needs to be taken care of. I know this thread is like a day old, so it seems new to all of you. This is a very well beaten path to us however, and this time I intend to get to the end of it, whether the end is all sunshine and rainbow or not.

 

I know your patience run out right now, but how about try a little harder, maybe the method you used isn't effective. it seems it is worth because your wife is the only one who stood up for you when you had difficult times. can you do same for her?

 

Totally valid points. But this isn't an issue that has just come up. There's history here. Many attempts and all have failed. Failure is not an option for me anymore. And I've made my mind up that if failure is an option for her, it will be a lonely option. I've been thinking about my spouse for a very long time and I've realized I am out of rope on this.

 

Instead of negative approach, how about begin to compliment her and mean it in your heart? you know, beauty is in beholder's eyes, a little compliment will boost her confident, rather than complain she is fat, and slowly she will want to make positive change by herself.

 

how about both of you work out in gym in the name of 'increase quality of life'? how about go hiking together in a mountain? I think your wife will like that without doubt that you are discontent with her figure.

 

A little bit change of approach maybe bring good result. and words you speak to is very important. such as: you look thinner than before; you look sexy....yada, yada, say it even you think the change is not obvivious

 

I think that would be a valid point however this is a long standing issue and it isn't a small matter. We've done outdoor stuff, but I suspect that the eating is just secretly matching pace.

 

It's cool for you to have a different opinion than I, and I welcome it. Thank you for letting me know what you think about it.

[RollMeAway]

On first blush, yes... that would seem be the kindest way. But I don't believe you've considered the healing time on the backside or what she really needs to take away from this experience after the fact.

 

This girl will need to understand WHY the marriage ended and she'll tear herself up trying to figure it all out. In the end, by denying her the truth, you damage her more, because you leave her repeating her same pattern and not knowing what qualities to look for in a prospective future mate.

 

Those are some decent reasons. One of the reasons I plan on going to the MC.

 

You married her under false pretenses. That's important data for her to utilize in making future decisions. It's obvious that you married this woman expecting her to change. That's just not right. And if she's not allowed to view the Big Picture, she's going to be filling in the blanks with God only knows what.

 

One of the things we both were big on before we got married. We BOTH had a saying, that we both believe that there was a mental and physical aspect to a relationship. That it was something we were obligated to do for each other. You stated that I married her expecting her to change. Please consider that she might have married me expecting herself to change.

 

I agree that for her, if our relationship doesn't continue, all the blanks should be filled out.

 

Regardless of any warmth you feel for her, you haven't said anything here that convinces me that you truly love her or that you even know what love is. To be frank, I think you're probably confusing Infatuation with Love, and they are NOT the same. One fades away, the other does not.

 

The average shelf-life of Infatuation is only about 2-4 years, and although in the presence of illicit extramarital affair it can be extended longer, that's not your situation. Your relationship with your wife has a day-to-day quality which negates that effect.

 

If you consider Infatuation to be a seed from which Love might either bloom or wither... it seems fairly obvious that in your case Love has failed to thrive.

 

That's cool. I'm not really trying to convince you that I love her. I personally feel that I do love her, but that my love for her has definately been changed. In the future, can you point out things that led you to think this way? That would more helpful for me.

 

As to the difference between infatuation and love, it could be semantics, but when it comes down to it, it's subjective and in the eye of the beholder (or the loved or lover, I guess). Again, generalizations are only so helpful, if I say something that leads you to a conclusion, point it out.

 

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I don't think it's completely sh*tty the way you've sneaked out behind this woman's back and EXPOSED her to the risk of STD's. Nothing about her weight, attractiveness, or closet-eating warrants that kind of physical threat. I can't believe that YOU would like to have the shoe on the other foot... your life and future fertility placed on the gambling table without your consent or knowledge? Nope, I don't think you'd like it if it were YOU being done that way.

 

I think you wrote this before I disclosed that I didn't have sex with the OW. And I agree that would be a very bad thing to do to someone. But I could see how someone in a similar situation might do it. It's not right, but I could see it.

 

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

My advice to you would be to pack your junk and look this woman in the eye and tell her EVERYTHING. It seems only fair to me that if you can't love her the way she needs to be loved, that you set her feet on the path in such a way as to give her the best shot at future success. You owe her that much at least.

 

Hey I'm totally happy with your posts, thoughts and feedback. That's why this is on a forum, I came here looking for your input. Don't sweat it, no need to apoligize for the way you think or feel.

 

I intend to lay it out on the table for her with the MC. By 'pack your junk' did you mean leave? If we split I would be the one with the house, as she can't afford the mortgage.

 

She's going to be hurt and she's going to cry. That's a given, and you'll need to be prepared to deal with her panic and her pleas. But better a broken heart than a broken spirit. Life with a partner who doesn't REALLY love you is a sentence I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

 

Very good points, I totally agree. Which is also why I need to have my head together.

 

Life is too short to deceive ourselves or each other.

 

Thanks for letting me know what you think of the situation.

[RollMeAway]

It doesn't sound like a joke to me. Binge eating is a serious disorder. It can have some devastating consequences. I struggle with this, and have for years. Her weight is a byproduct of a more serious thing, and if you focus on the weight without working on the disorder, it will have about as much effect as putting a bandaid on cancer.

 

Has she sought out help for it?

 

Hi, yes it's serious, but binge eating isn't as well known (IMO, maybe it is). Some folks think light of it, I can say honestly I thought she was pulling my leg when she initially told me.

 

I should have posted earlier, she has seen more than one person for this issue. Some helped, some didn't. Either way we seem to be back at square one.