A question for you folks...

[RollMeAway]

 

 

I don't know man... I am going to take the gloves of for a bit here.

 

Hey that's cool. I posted this on a public forum, I stepped into the ring I guess. Just keep in mind that I'm not really here to spar with anyone, I'm just here to talk about this stuff. Nothing personal, I don't know you from the next person posting.

 

You really are a coward. You have been avoiding this issue throughout your entire relationship and now you have gone out and cheated on your wife. This has a lot more to do with your lack of communication to her, than her weight.

 

Although one may take away from my posts that I haven't ever dealt with my wife's weight problem or disorder, I would beg to differ.

 

The problem/issue that is coming to light is the fact that I've been beating myself up for a very long time about what I need. I didn't intend to deceive myself (or in turn, my wife). I feel that in some small way her reluctance or inability to deal with her own issues may have contributed to this as well. Really though, I could care less at this point. Number one on my list is dealing with the house that is on fire, number two is figuring out how the fire started so I can prevent it.

 

I agree with you that there are some communication issues about this stuff. I'm not sure about you, but this stuff is pretty heavy for me/us, so if you have any experience on opening communication on stuff like this, let me know. I like learning from other's mistakes, but learning from someone else's success is even better.

 

Your wife obviously has a food addiction and instead of helping her, you went out and broke her heart. If the roles were reversed would she have done something like that to you?

 

This kind of implies that I didn't help at all. You might have missed those parts in some of my previous posts, check there and let me know if you still feel the same way. If the situation was completely reversed in every way, I could imagine it.

 

You married her, you took on the responsibility and how did you handle that?

 

Well I can honestly say that aside from the recent episode with the OW, I handled it pretty good. I'm not really big on walking thru life using only my judgement however, so point out where you think I misstepped.

 

Personally I'm leaning towards the fact that I got married without having this thing sorted out first.

 

You need to decide if you are into this marriage and ready to do some serious work to help your wife or let her go.

 

Well I've pretty much decided that I'm willing to give it another try. A try where both horses are pulling on the cart with equal force. And a try where both of us understand each other better, and understand what is at risk.

 

If this isn't going to work, I know what I'll have to do. There aren't any children involved, so don't feel that you're contributing to a broken home or anything.

 

Thank you for throwing your 2 cents in, and I appreciate you being honest about what you thought. This forum would be a lot less helpful if folks pulled punches and just told people what they wanted to hear.

[RollMeAway]

Wow. I made it thru replying to the first page of comments.

 

I'm off to grab a whiskey, I'll be right back to get to the rest of 'em.

[RollMeAway]

What I mean is, if she can't change or isn't able, what purpose will this serve? Sorry if that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

 

no matter how things play out, I think you'll understand the difference as "I honestly did my best." Because as Lady Jane points out, on the outset just walking away from a bad situation sounds like a good plan, but you really haven't resolved anything, just put that conversation off for another day. Because believe me, your wife will want to know why you handed her a whammy like that without explaining your reasoning behind it. I think you owe it to yourself to see it through – be it working on the marriage or leaving it, but definitely communicating your needs and frustrations and desires with the woman. If anything, it'll give her a better appreciation of what it takes to build a solid marriage … we are not mind-readers when it comes to interpersonal relationships, so we cannot "solve" problems we're not aware of.

 

and then there's the matter of closure for YOU. It sounds as if your mind is already made up, and you're hoping to just fade away, but you're not doing yourself any favors if you go that route. The only way you'll get the emotional/mental healing you need is to face the problem directly, and talk to your wife. It's going to be painful in more ways than one, but I think you'll find more catharsis in dealing with things head-on, than to just assume it cannot work.

 

again, I think you're a brave guy for even admitting to having these kinds of feelings. Now you just need to share them with your spouse and go from there.

 

All exceptionally good points.

 

I totally agree that if she decides this won't work, that she needs closure. And an explanation.

 

My mind isn't made up (on ending it), as I know that the road ahead will be much harder than walking away. This whole realization about lying to myself has been pretty painful. Realizing I was hurting myself and then on top of that realizing that I was really hurting someone else.

 

However for as much as it has been painful, it has been like someone lifted a veil. It sounds ridiculous typing it, but it has really felt like that.

 

I remember a quote by Stevie Ray Vaughn (can't remember exactly so I'll paraphrase)..."it's like being in a smoke filled room and then suddenly all the smoke is sucked out and you can see clearly."

[RollMeAway]

My mistake. I stand corrected. You said "physical", not "sexual".

 

So, how "physical" are we talking here?

 

Kissing and touching. Both of which I shouldn't have been doing with the OW.

 

I should have clarified this early, sorry for the misunderstanding.

[RollMeAway]

Coming from someone who used to pick up thrown chocolates from the trash in the middle of the night while crying...

 

That sucks that you had to go thru that. I'm glad you said "used to".

 

I think it's cool that you've addressed the issue and I'm happy you worked thru it.

 

I used to have both anorexia and bulimia later on...I can tell you that you can get past the parts of over-eating...but I doubt you can ever get away from the occasional feelings of "OMG I'm so fat...I should not eat...if I puke I'll make it better..."

 

AFAIK, she only has a problem with the binge eating. It simply comes down to her wanting to address it. She had the issue prior to me meeting her, and I can say I've honestly tried everything I could think of to help.

 

It's good your wife went to counselling...not all of us can get out of it alone. I think you should have focused on the facts that obesity/overweight is negative for the health and can result in earlier death even... instead of the attractiveness.

 

This is something she had to deal with about a year ago. Her mom had her stomach tied/stapled (sorry I'm not a doc). This was something my wife and I discussed at great length way before her mom got it done. I told her that there was a simple explanation for why there were not many women close to her mom's age that were as heavy as her mom.

 

It's shameful you married your wife and letting her think you thought she was "the most attractive woman in the world" - because that is what we girls expect when we marry the man of our dreams...not that he only is interested in the brains. (Sure that's great but a woman needs to feel sexy too!)

 

My wife's problems with her eating and her weight were known by both of us. My inability to be honest with myself about the way I felt, and being unable to realize that it was OK to feel that way...I think that is the deception there. I hope that makes more sense.

 

I'm worried, like others, you don't really want the wife the way she is...and that is not fair on her. You can't demand her to quit her career, get a body like an OW...what if she told you to look like Brad Pitt? Even if she lost weight - the food issues would remain. She needs to become healthy and have a good relationship with food before she is ready to loose the weight...But avoiding the "binge foods" is step one.

 

I concur that this isn't an overnight fix in any way. I'm not demanding anything, I'm simply being honest with myself and I intend to be honest with her.

 

Now for Brad Pitt. If that is how she feels, I'd like to know it. I'd like to know what I can do to accommidate what she needs in her life. If that means that I need to do a bunch of situps at the gym to get better abs, so be it. How can you expect monogamy when you can't supply the other person with what they need? It seems silly to me now looking at it that way. I expect her to not sleep with other men, not look longingly at other men...but she's being unreasonable should she share her opinion of me physically and need me to change to meet her needs?

 

Perhaps you need to be blunt and say "I don't find you attractive. And I sought it elsewhere." But I think that might only damage it even more...I suggest you sit down, give goals and plan how to do it - ask her to join some fat loss group - it's easier when you're not alone! She needs to understand WHY, WHAT and WHEN in order to be able to save the marriage...and along the way you need to shower her with love (if there is any left) and be supportive. Give her "treats" like mini holiday if she's lost some weight - awards help too! (like something nice that isn't candy when she's doing good) ...and a bedroom treat is never wrong.

 

All good ideas, but I need to point out that this time, it is different. Failure for me isn't an option. It sounds harsh, it has taken me years to get to this point, but I don't think I can budge on that.

 

I dunno if you mentioned...do you and your wife have a good or bad sex life? How much attention to her body, like foreplay, do you practice?

 

She prefers that I don't have glasses or contacts in. Without them I'm legally blind. Actually now that you mention it, when it's time for romance, the lights seem to stop working. Really.

 

It's been on and off frequency wise. It seems we'd swing into dry spells with 'self-service' being the rule of the day.

 

One time she suggested that we go to a strip club. I told her no, as I don't want to want someone there, I want to want her.

 

There have been a couple of times that she wanted to watch videos together and the like. She knows they're on my hard drive. That's when I told her that I honestly felt ashamed that I needed to look at that stuff and that I'd love to just throw it all out or delete it off the computer. I'd prefer to not need that stuff anymore.

 

I hope that made sense.

[RollMeAway]

Usually when you say "it got physical", you're talking about trading punches. Hope that's not the case, you have enough neuroses on your plate already !

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Sorry about that!

 

Here you folks are trying to help me and I'm all clumsy with the words.

 

No aggression here...I'm a non-violent person.

[Ladyjane14]

One of the things we both were big on before we got married. We BOTH had a saying, that we both believe that there was a mental and physical aspect to a relationship. That it was something we were obligated to do for each other. You stated that I married her expecting her to change. Please consider that she might have married me expecting herself to change.

 

If that's the case, then you were BOTH wrong. The fact that she jumped off the cliff with you doesn't negate the fact that you jumped off the cliff, know what I mean? Take 100% responsibility for YOUR choices at all times and you'll be a happier man because you'll respect yourself more.

 

I'm not saying that your choice to marry under these "false pretenses" was designed to deceive. But wasn't it the end result? And didn't you deceive yourself as well as your wife? Essentially, you married a fat girl planning that she would no longer be fat in the future. It's not like you married a skinny girl and she blossomed. You went in knowing you were facing uphill odds and now to at least some extent you're crying foul. Let's face it man, if getting skinny was easy, there's just no explanation for what I saw on my last trip to WalMart.

 

The study of genetics in binge-eating is fairly new science. This may not be a matter of choice or self-control for your wife. For all we know, she may be biologically wired to overeat for reasons that we don't understand.

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/binge-eating-disorder/news/20030319/gene-linked-to-binge-eating

 

By taking true ownership of your choice to get involved, I think you're in a better position to either extricate yourself from the marriage in an honest way or to let go of your resentments and recover it.

 

 

 

That's cool. I'm not really trying to convince you that I love her. I personally feel that I do love her, but that my love for her has definately been changed. In the future, can you point out things that led you to think this way? That would more helpful for me.

 

As to the difference between infatuation and love, it could be semantics, but when it comes down to it, it's subjective and in the eye of the beholder (or the loved or lover, I guess). Again, generalizations are only so helpful, if I say something that leads you to a conclusion, point it out.

 

I suggest to you that it's not real love because of the time-line. As I mentioned before, infatuation has a shelf-life. And because you've said things like this...

I am struggling with the possibility that maybe my taste changed? Or that this physical thing that didn't mean so much to me before means something more to me now.

.... which indicates to me that there has indeed been a change in your emotional response to your wife.

 

 

Hey I'm totally happy with your posts, thoughts and feedback. That's why this is on a forum, I came here looking for your input. Don't sweat it, no need to apoligize for the way you think or feel.

 

I intend to lay it out on the table for her with the MC. By 'pack your junk' did you mean leave? If we split I would be the one with the house, as she can't afford the mortgage.

 

I think you've misunderstood me. I wouldn't have assumed that you found my feedback to be "cruel" because for one thing, that wasn't my intent, and for another, it would be presumptive to believe you're much affected by whatever random opinions you find on the internet.

 

What I meant was, that it's sometimes kinder to slap a hand than hold it. So... you need to be honest with that girl, particularly if you decide to leave her. Now, I'm not saying you should be brutal about it... but definitely she should have all the facts. Armed with the correct data, she stands a better chance of putting this experience into proper perspective.

[RollMeAway]

Ladyjane14, those are all really good points.

[smartgirl]

Wow, this was all really too close to home and painful. I gained weight after our second child was born. I got heavier over the next few years and then lost it. Got pretty good looking again. Then had a family tragedy and lost all will to do anything. Had a hideous, crushing job but made too much money to quit. Was gaining about 8lbs a year. Saw it, but didn't really. Still saw the old me and didn't realize how awful I really looked. You can really block stuff out sometimes. Affected my libido. Summary - I got physically unattractive and wound up neglecting my H as a result of my own depression. He got the attention and hot body from someone else. I found out. HUGE wake-up call. I lost the weight and look great.

 

Question: would I have taken it that seriously and worked that hard if I hadn't been faced with something so drastic. I want to say no, but I fear the real answer is yes. Rather than let your marriage just go down the toilet - which is where it is headed - I think you need to tell your W how serious this is. Meaning, that although you love her like all get out you need the physical.

 

The way I ultimately understood it from my H was that letting myself go made him feel neglected, unloved and unappreciated. It said to him that I didn't care enough about him to keep myself up. That is what you are feeling now. It isn't just that she is heavy. It is the fact that she doesn't seem to care about herself or what you think. The hours away and lack of other attention compound that. That makes a person feel that they don't matter. Talk to her about it in these terms and I think she will come closer to feeling motivated.

 

I do believe she needs some personal therapy. I also had critical parents and I've dealt with the feeling my whole life that I need to do certain things to please people in order to be loved. All the love in your life shouldn't be so conditional. It can mess you up. Get her some help.

[RollMeAway]

The way I ultimately understood it from my H was that letting myself go made him feel neglected, unloved and unappreciated. It said to him that I didn't care enough about him to keep myself up. That is what you are feeling now. It isn't just that she is heavy. It is the fact that she doesn't seem to care about herself or what you think. The hours away and lack of other attention compound that. That makes a person feel that they don't matter. Talk to her about it in these terms and I think she will come closer to feeling motivated.

 

I don't think I've ever had someone write something to me on a forum that made me cry.

 

Being with the OW made me feel like it was ok to want to be with someone that cared about themselves physically. I've been telling my wife for the past week and a half that everyone at work is sick. The reality is I've been sick to my stomach over all this stuff.

 

I started the process with my insurance company today to meet with a counselor. I couldn't get ahold of anyone so I left a message, I'll call on Monday to get the appointment made.

 

Some folks might hear my story and think that I don't love my wife. That's ok, everyone is entitled to their opinion and I won't fault them for it. But I am being honest with myself for the first time in a long, long time about this stuff, and regardless of how much it hurts people to hear the truth, I've realized that it is the best thing for all involved, no matter how inconvienient or painful it may be at first.

 

I no longer want to be in a marriage where I constantly feel like looking at women other than my wife. I don't want to be in a marriage where the lights go off when the clothes do.

 

Maybe some will think I'm immature, or that I don't care or whatever. But regardless of what mistakes I've possibly made along the way, the honesty from me starts now.

 

Thank you all again for your willingness to listen to my story and for your openess and honesty in replying. You've made something very hard a little bit easier.

[RollMeAway]

I think now that I really couldn't live with myself any longer being married and not having this resolved. As soon as I have my head together with the counselor, I'll be inviting my wife in.

[lonelybird]

RollMeAway

 

from your posts, you seem like a quite civilized gentleman.

 

Do you really think that issue is 'sexual'? not a 'soul connect' issue? maybe when your soul or heart renewed and connected, the sexual desire will come back?

 

what the point that if you find a hot sexy woman, but cannot connect with her in a special way?

 

good idea to invite your wife in

[RollMeAway]

from your posts, you seem like a quite civilized gentleman.

 

Hey thanks! I'm not that well educated, but I do pretty well. I'm probably a little more concise on this topic since it's been on my mind for about 2-3 weeks straight now.

 

Do you really think that issue is 'sexual'? not a 'soul connect' issue? maybe when your soul or heart renewed and connected, the sexual desire will come back?

 

I think a lot of it is sexual. But both physical and mental. My wife and I know each other deeply on other levels. We've been through a lot together. I think every person and every relationship has weaknesses, and I believe that this is ours. I don't think that it's entirely a mental or soul kind of thing, honestly I can say now that physically there have almost always been problems.

 

what the point that if you find a hot sexy woman, but cannot connect with her in a special way?

 

Good question! IMO, there is no point. Which is why people still get married and the inflatable girlfriend market has tanked.

 

All joking aside, I believe that there are physical and mental aspects to a relationship, and I believe you need both to make it work. If you look at some of my previous posts regarding the OW, I basically say that I didn't really know her, and she didn't really know me. It was 100% physical.

 

good idea to invite your wife in

 

I totally agree. I just know that I need to sort my head out first. I think then I'll be able to be more of a help in the sessions and maybe a help to her.

[RollMeAway]

Hey everyone, just wanted to let you know that I'm headed out of town with my wife for a car cruise this weekend and I probably won't be by a computer.

 

Anyways, feel free to post and I'll make sure to get back to you as soon as I'm back late on Sunday.

 

Thanks again for your support, help and comments.

[RollMeAway]

Well, it's Monday and we're coming in off the weekend. If I get anything done today, it will be nailing down an appointment with the counselor.

 

We had a pretty good time on the road trip, but it feels really strange to be thinking and feeling this way around my wife, especially with her not knowing. There has been a bug going around at work, so I'm not sure if I'm sick or the situation is doing it to me, maybe a little of both.

 

I feel like after having the whole realization of my true feelings towards her physically, I feel like my emotional levels towards her have started slowly sliding downhill. Maybe they were waning or something, I'm not sure, but I definately feel like this whole experience has taken a toll on my feelings towards her in a big way.

 

And over the past couple days I've started thinking about how our lives were before we met, and how we started with a little and made it a lot. And I've started thinking about my wife more and more, and what is best for her. I've been pretty wrapped up in my own repressed and neglected feelings, and I don't think I spent enough time thinking about her.

 

At this point I've been giving a lot of thought to us separating while we work on ourselves. I feel like I have a bunch of stuff that I need to get clear in my head before I can be something for anyone. And I've stopped blaming myself for issues that I know are entirely hers.

 

One of you posted about day to day intimacy. I talked with a friend recently about this. About the possibility that if the feelings drop away in a marriage/relationship, that the physicality of just living together can imply a closeness that maybe doesn't exist in the heart.

 

Anyways, thanks for keeping up with my rambling. This isn't easy, but knowing you folks are here make it a bit easier.

[RollMeAway]

Just wanted to keep you updated...I made the appointment for Wednesday @ 8:45am...so we should see how this goes. I'll keep you posted and thanks again for everything.

[RollMeAway]

Well a quick update.

 

I met with my counselor for the first time today. He helped me to realize how I have really forgotten about myself as an individual. He would stop me and show me how my wording betrayed my thoughts...it was really weird, but really enlightening. Like I kept using "we" all the time...like my wife and I were conjoined twins or something.

 

We also went over the "drama triangle": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drama_triangle

 

Absolutely mind blowing for me. After thinking a lot about how my approach to relationships has been kinda messed up...I've started thinking that some of this stuff is really related to my parent's divorce. I don't think my parents meant any harm, I just think I was young and internalized a bunch of it.

 

I felt so much better after meeting with him, he made me realize how my determination to 'fix' my wife and our relationship had actually prevented me from accepting and dealing with my own true feelings.

 

It was nothing short of mind blowing for me...heading back next friday.

[RollMeAway]

This is all I need 2 comment on. Please don't expect your W 2 "get it" when you're not fully forthcoming about what has happened and why you're struggling so.

 

Completely agree with you. Sometimes it's hard to describe what you are feeling and dealing with to someone when you have trouble reconciling it with yourself. That's currently where I'm at right now. I don't expect her to understand at this point.

 

My W came 2 me 17 years ago, telling me she was becoming attracted 2 a colleague in grad school, even asking me "what consti2tes an affair?" I tried 2 answer her the best I knew how at the time (a time when few people had ever heard the term "emotional affair" - I certainly hadn't). I told her "so long as it's not physical, it's not an affair" thinking that she'd "do the right thing and not let it get that far.

 

The result? The affair went physical shortly thereafter. I didn't find out about it until I accidentally opened her email 11 years later. By then, they'd broken it off for 5 years and resumed again a 2ple of years before I found out about it.

 

I'm sorry to hear about that happening, since it sounds like you did all that you could. It's unfortunate that she wasn't able to come to her yourself about that, but then again, sometimes it's best to focus on what we can change. I hope that one day I can talk frankly to my spouse about this stuff.

 

What do you want 2 do? Be open, honest, and truthful with your W. You might be pleasantly surprised what she decides 2 do, knowing the whole truth.

 

Being pleasantly surprised would definately be...pleasant?

 

I know that I need to be truthful with her, and I know that I need to get some of my own personal issues worked out before I talk to her about the affair and all the other things I've been figuring out about myself.

 

Did you happen to catch that link I posted in the other thread about the 'drama triangle'? My counselor showed me how I was playing the role of the rescuer and my wife was playing the victim. It was extremely eye opening for me.

 

But even if, say, "worst case scenario" happens and she wants 2 divorce rather than work it out. You're young and have no kids. You both could start over.

 

I agree, that is one big positive, at this point we only have to think of ourselves, and not messing some innocent kid's head up. I feel like a lot of the romance is completely gone, one of the things I need to work through.

 

Thanks again for hopping over here to share your thoughts, I would have PM'd you but I'm not an established member and don't have privledges yet.