Right, I cant even begin to figure out whats going on?

[imaybemad]

Hello all, Im new here so any advice is much appreciated. I was going out with my ex-girlfriend for 2 years in 2nd and 3rd yr of college. We broke up once when we were on a summer long holiday together(with a load of her friends and people i didnt know that well). We hadnt been getting on with a while and were arguing over nothing. I was in a pretty bad place at the time as i had just had some major fallings out with people i considered good friends and was probably a bit depressed although i never got treated for it, i was also getting anxiety attacks and stuff.

 

Anyway all this was incredibly awkward for a while and involved me being fairly pathetic and trying really badly to get her back with no success UNTIL ,shock horror, i met an american girl at work and she took a shine to me. We started seeing each other, nothing serious, towards the end of the summer. Of course me being the lovable rogue i am she really liked me but i didnt want anything serious. Anyway my ex, zoe, found out about this when i brought her back to my place one night(we lived right next door to each other, it could not have been more awkward). Over the next few days she was avoiding me a bit and being really quiet and into herself. I walked into her apartment one day and she started crying saying she couldnt bare thinking about me with someone else and all that. She never directly says anything and when i asked do you want to get back together she just said "but sur youre with her now" even though she clearly did want me back. Anyway a few nights later we ended up kissing and decided to get back together. For the first few months we just kept telling each other how much we loved each other and how much we'd missed each other and such other stuff. But it was never the same as id still been getting the panic attacks and bouts of anxiety so i really dont think i was the same person that she first fell in love with, so we couldnt really gel the way we did at the start. Anyway after about 6 months we broke up again for much the same reasons as the first time. We both still loved each other and i think the last words we said to each other that night we "i still love you".

 

Anyway this was about 7 months ago and i think im back to how i used to be. No panic attacks and no bouts of depression and im living with good friends in college and getting on well with them. Me and zoe have kept in touch through text messages the whole time and have met a few times, once at a music festival where we were really pally and getting on great(both a little bit drunk) and the next was a mutual friends dads' funeral where i just found it really hard to talk to her. She didnt seem to make much effort and i was a bit miffed as she had been all talk a few weeks earlier. And she was texting me at least once a week through parts of the summer.

 

We got back to college recently and she texted me the week before, with lots of the usual small talk and asking what my plans for the first few weeks of college were. Now ive seen her in the line for food after the club a few times and have been in the same house as her at a party and she seems to ignore me. this is where it gets awkward, my best friends and housemate are all in her class which is incredibly tightly knit so i cant avoid her. Why does she keep texting me if she is just going to blank me when she is out? I know she has kissed one of the lads in her class a few times recently and i found out about it last night but i dont think its anything serious, hell ive been with girls since, but that really gets to me since its someone i kind of know. I really do not want to risk him even getting close with her.

 

The problem is i think i want to get back with her but i really dont have a clue what she wants or how to go about doing it. Im kind of afraid that since we broke up twice already that id just be making another mistake and prolonging an inevitable break-up.

 

But i know im in a different headspace now and i reckon im much happier now than i was the first time we got back together. I do think about her pretty much all the time and everytime i go to sleep i seem to have some dream of being back with her. Whats really bothering me is the fact that she texts me, then blanks me...what the **** is that all about like? Do you think id be making a mistake trying to get back with her or should i just get over it and move on? I know as it stands her texting me and me texting her is just messing me up a bit, because i really cant handle having to contact her with us not being together. Either way i cant really avoid her since im friends with a lot of the same people as her.

 

Sorry for the muddled stream of consciousness there but that just seems to happen when i think of her. No smart ass remarks please as i am only 21 and not hugely experienced with these situations. Any advice would be appreciated...