lovesparis Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 i'm still NC with ex. i'm still not happy about it. but i'm becoming more confident, daily, that we'll get back together. it's not so much the pathetic ramblings and wishes that i was having before (though they still exist, just differently). more like, little waves inside of me. i believe in us. i believe in him. it's been 2months since he broke up with me, i feel no differently about him. so.. call me crazy and delusional, but i believe we'll get back together. -- they don't have a delusional smilie, so this is all i've got. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Blurple Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Remember NC isnt about making somone come back its about you and making your self stonger and more confident... like you said... Please during this time of nc dont build your self up that you are going to get back together... Build yourself up as a person that doesnt need him..... explore other options.... because we really dont know whats going to happen... All in all good luck and best wishes lets us know what happens!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesparis Posted October 11, 2007 Author Share Posted October 11, 2007 Ahh, i don't "need" him. i just liked life with him. i've always been independent, too independent, as it turned out. so it's not like i can't function w/o him or whatever. i just love him, and want to be with him. and for the reasons that be, i am just very confident about us getting back together. Link to post Share on other sites
Blurple Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Ahh, i don't "need" him. i just liked life with him. i've always been independent, too independent, as it turned out. so it's not like i can't function w/o him or whatever. i just love him, and want to be with him. and for the reasons that be, i am just very confident about us getting back together. Living as if you dont need him is a plus for getting him back... also being so confident helps.. has he tried to contact you at all latly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesparis Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 not a peep from him. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 As long as you hold any hope you will get back together with him you will not be open to meeting someone else. Someone BETTER for you. In other words you will not heal in the shortest amount of time possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Krying Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I wouldn't turn down a relationship with someone new if I felt attraction in some way. However that doesn't stop me from thinking of my ex with love covered eyes. They say you come to love someone not when you're with them, but when you're apart. Other people also say you look back on a relationship and only remember the good that happened. I think both are correct. Relationships are such a mine field that when you find someone you like in so many ways, being told there's someone else out there that is even better falls a bit flat. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 You have to set a soft date with yourself for cutting things off. Give yourself a set amount of time to deal with everything. The hurt, hope, anger, etc. Once that time comes up then you have to make the decision to move on. And contrary to what Caliguy says about hope...It is ok to leave some hope alive. But that hope has to be there AFTER you have dealt with and accepted finality. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I think its a good mindset. Link to post Share on other sites
rcaliguy Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 all good advice. my ex gf and i were together for about 3 1/2 years. we just broke up three weeks ago. it was a mistake on my part, i'm the one who broke it off. i want her back but i need to figure out why i broke it off with her in the first place. i had lost myself and was going through a bit of a quarter life crisis. i realize now that the time i've had alone has been priceless. i wouldn't take any of it back b/c what i've been through lately has made me realize just how much confidence i have in myself and the assurance that i don't "need" her, i want her. i'm great by myself but she makes me better. i just had to take the time and realize what we had going on and how much growth i had made. i love her more than anything. but in the same time, if we don't get back together i'll be okay. i'll still be happy. i've had the mentality that we'll never be back together, now whether we do or not is a different story...but that alone is reason enough to continue on either way. i believe that everything happens for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 You have to set a soft date with yourself for cutting things off. Give yourself a set amount of time to deal with everything. The hurt, hope, anger, etc. Once that time comes up then you have to make the decision to move on. And contrary to what Caliguy says about hope...It is ok to leave some hope alive. But that hope has to be there AFTER you have dealt with and accepted finality. agree. I think it is possible to remain open to the thought of a relationship with someone in the back of your mind but at the same time move on as well. you have absolutely no idea what life brings in your way so it's good to be flexible Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 And contrary to what Caliguy says about hope...It is ok to leave some hope alive. But that hope has to be there AFTER you have dealt with and accepted finality. Holding out hope for reconcilliation is what keeps people from healing in the shortest amount of time possible and moving on with their life. You can not move FORWARD if you're always looking BEHIND. Link to post Share on other sites
MattyTee Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 I have to say that I think it's naive to think you can just shut off any sort of hope Cali. I think what matters is how you approach the situation. If you can accept what is for now and take each day as it comes - doing positive things for yourself and building a stronger more confident you - then as time goes on perspectives may or may not change. Honestly speaking, I'm doing a lot for myself right now - therapy, exercise, reading etc. but I'm not interested in healing in the shortest amount of time possible. I'm interested in learning as much as I can from this point in my life, healing in the time that is right and staying true to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Holding out hope for reconcilliation is what keeps people from healing in the shortest amount of time possible and moving on with their life. You can not move FORWARD if you're always looking BEHIND. If everyone took that attitude the whole world would go to shi* real quick. Imagine if you did that with everthing in life...Someone dies...oh well, take a day or two and then forget it and move on. Dont dwell on it because then you will be living in the past and that is a bad thing. Its taking a look at life realistically and not idealitically that is healthy. To let your hopes overshadow the realistic thing to do is unhealthy. i.e. putting your life on hold for anyone. Accepting things for what they are and moving forward but at the same time not completely giving up is perfectly fine. Otherwise people would come and go from your life like a fart in the wind. Here one minute, gone the next without a care about anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Holding out hope for reconcilliation is what keeps people from healing in the shortest amount of time possible and moving on with their life. You can not move FORWARD if you're always looking BEHIND. You could look forward to the day that you will be together, without neccessarily looking behind at the way things were. Link to post Share on other sites
MattyTee Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 I saw this the other day and I liked it very much: "Learn from the Past... Dream about the Future... Focus on the Present" One thing I find very hard to do is focus on the present. The facts are simply that in the present 'she' doesn't want to be with me. So, I accept that and look at what I can do for myself right now. The past is there to teach us but also memories are there to treasure. The future is there before us and we can always dream of what may come. The message in my signature is important to me. I will face every day with a deep breath and optimism for as long as I can. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 I like that Matty tee. Its true, past and future only exist as an idea, so its futile to think about them. Reality is what is happening in the present, and is the only thing we can really deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
MattyTee Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Still tough though! As I'm sure a lot of folks here would agree Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Tough to put into practise, easier if you do, I should think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovesparis Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 i'm overwhelmed at the responses from you! i appreciate all of them. You could look forward to the day that you will be together, without neccessarily looking behind at the way things were. that's exactly what's going on in my head. i've spent most of 2 months being miserable b/c we weren't together. and now i'm kind of at a place where i'm doing my own thing, and i have my own routine again and taking care of the stuff i'd been letting slide..... but i look toward the day that we get back together b/c it simply feels right. i don't know when that day will come, or if it will. i met someone new last night, i'd like to get to know him better; but i'm unsure if that is fair to him. thank you all for your opinions and advice Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 i'm still NC with ex. i'm still not happy about it. but i'm becoming more confident, daily, that we'll get back together. He broke up with you two months ago and you haven't heard a word from him since. Logically, every day that goes by that you don't hear from him increases the odds that you never will. Anything else is just your mind playing tricks on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 i don't know when that day will come, or if it will. i met someone new last night, i'd like to get to know him better; but i'm unsure if that is fair to him. It is not fair if you have decided that you and your ex will be together and have dedicated yourself to that thought. You have to make a decision. Just be prepared that you may be wrong about the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Krying Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 You could remain faithful in your heart that one day you will be with your ex again. However, it might not ever happen. I know it's a tough choice to make, as I want my ex more than any other person in the world. But, if they don't want you, what you can you do. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 If everyone took that attitude the whole world would go to shi* real quick. Imagine if you did that with everthing in life...Someone dies...oh well, take a day or two and then forget it and move on. Dont dwell on it because then you will be living in the past and that is a bad thing. I did not say "Do not grieve" and deaths are far different circumstances than the end of a relationship. By all means, grieve. Do whatever you have to do to get over the end of said relationship, but realize that it IS the end. The odds of getting back together are slim at best (less than 5% IMHO). If you had a million dollars to invest, would you drop it on a stock that had a 5% chance of return? No, of course you wouldn't. So why on earth would you invest your emotions on a person who doesn't want to be with you? Nothing could be more irrational. Its taking a look at life realistically and not idealitically that is healthy. To let your hopes overshadow the realistic thing to do is unhealthy. i.e. putting your life on hold for anyone. I've been saying that all along. Accepting things for what they are and moving forward but at the same time not completely giving up is perfectly fine. These two things contradit each other. If you are holding ANY hope of getting back togther then you have not "accepted things for what they are" nor have you moved forward -- at all. Otherwise people would come and go from your life like a fart in the wind. Here one minute, gone the next without a care about anything. When your confidence and self-respect are where they should be the advice I am giving will make much more sense. It's not that you don't care about them, it just means that you care enough about yourself to grieve and move on with your life. Get in the car, put it in drive and don't stare at the rear view mirror. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 You could look forward to the day that you will be together, without neccessarily looking behind at the way things were. If one can do that, I think that's fine. The problem is in order to do that, you must have moved on emotionally. Do do so before you have is emotional sucide. Just ask anyone here who's tried to be friends with an ex they weren't over. Link to post Share on other sites
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