Feeling Ugly to my husbands eyes!

[Hidden_Love1986]

Ive been trying to have sexual relationships with my husband and so far it has seemed to have failed. I have tried everything, looking real sexy, trying to turn him on. yet nothing has yet gotten him to look at me and have him say he wants me. Since we have been together it has been that when i want sex he is either too tired, sick or he is just not in the mood. But when he wants it im just supposed to give it up to him. I want it the other way around. I even tried tonight to dress up in something sexy, but when he opened the door to the bedroom he just looked at me like i was disgusting. I am a obese woman but that should not make any difference. If you are married it shouldnt matter how the person looks. If you didnt want to have sex with someone who is fat you shouldnt have married them. So now because i think the only reason he does not want to have sex with me is because im fat. And it hurts. Im hurt bad enough that i even thought of going anorexic or something because i cant take this no more. People even my own husband looking at me in disgust. If thats not bad enough, he has dreams about his ex girlfriend and he keeps bringing her up with those dreams. so i am thinking that he is wanting to go back to her and leave me. if it were not for our child i think he might do that. leave me for her. i just cant stand this no more. i dont know what to do. im losing it big time.

 

Can anyone help me with my problem because i am just about to i dont know, go get surgery or something or kill his ex because of my jealousy.

[curiousnycgirl]

If he married you at this weight, then the issue is not your weight. It's that plain and simple. Now if you've gained weight since getting married, that is a different story - but based on your post, I'm going to assume that is not the case.

 

Women (myself included) always assume the reason their men don't want them is because they (the women) have done something, or are not attractive, or whatever. However the truth of the matter is that it is usually something going on with the man. He might be stressed at work. He may be concerned his favorite team is messing up the seaon, etc. etc

 

Have you discussed how you feel with your husband? Have you told him how his rejection makes you feel? If not I would strongly urge you to start there.

 

Meanwhile if your weight is bothering you, then you might want to do something about it - but only if it is bothering YOU. You have to do it for yourself.

[Hidden_Love1986]

Well he just got a job and he hasnt really been stressed exept for the occasion i am sorta making him that way, me being pregnant and all. but still its kinda bad when he wants it, i have to give it to him and when i want it, i dont get it. I cant even turn him on by trying to look sexy or try pleasing him, and it dont help with his ex on his mind all the time. i just want one moment with me and him and a wonderful night of having sex without it being that he wants it. i want us both to want it not just him. Its gotten so bad i havent even had an orgasm with him, i fake it all the time because i want to make him feel that he is doing his job by pleasing me. I dont like lieing to him about it but i dont want to make him feel like he is not doing his job you know. But i dont know what to do.

[4whatItsWorth]

As a dietetic student I must say obesity by physical means should not matter...what should matter is that you'll be at higher risk of developing type II diabetes, increased blood fats and other factors related to obesity...but that's not for here...

 

I think that since you think he'd think you're disgusting from bein obese...you might have been overweight gone to obese after pregnancy? To actually tell you he's dreaming about his ex...I think is quite disrespectful. Especially since you've had a baby and need physical and emotional assurance more than ever!

 

I think too you should sit down with him, tell him you love him but you feel like sex is a one-way street. You do want him to seduce you and make him and you both want it just as much, and that you feel rejected when you dress sexy for him.

 

Communication is always the key.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If thats not bad enough, he has dreams about his ex girlfriend and he keeps bringing her up with those dreams.

 

Are you certain it stops with just dreams? Has he been in contact with her that you know of? It could just be a general longing, or it could be that he has been in contact with her.

[Ladyjane14]

I am a obese woman but that should not make any difference. If you are married it shouldnt matter how the person looks.

 

While it's true that alot of people feel that way... it's a bit of an assumption that this is the ONLY right way to look at it. Fact is, men and women vary on what they find sexually attractive, and while individuals have specific views on the matter, generally speaking... men are more reliant on visual stimulus for their sexual behavior than women are.

 

In an age where advertisers are selling us sex, with 90% of market photography airbrushed... it's not difficult to see how a man would develop false expectations about what a woman ought to look like. So, they're getting quite a bit of "visual stimulation" that has little to do with reality and oftentimes setting up their expectations accordingly.

 

This is all input to the brain and for the most part... male brains work differently than female ones do. Right or wrong, misguided or not, you can't assume that your obesity shouldn't make any difference to him. You're looking at it through a female lens.

 

Here's a recent thread from a male perspective:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t132227/

 

To be honest, if I were you... I'd lose the weight. Your health and vitality should be paramount in your list of priorities. So this is something you do FOR YOURSELF. Your best bet toward that end is to work closely with your family doctor in order to adopt a safe and sound approach to weight-loss.

 

If after the weight was under control, I still wasn't feeling nourished by the relationship, ... I'd leave him and move on. Life is too short to spend wondering if you're loved or not. To be loved for the woman you are on the inside is, IMO, just as valid an EN (emotional need) as your husband's need for a sexually attractive mate. If these two ENs are at cross-purposes, I don't see how you can be truly fulfilled within the relationship.

[GoodOnPaper]

Hidden,

 

It sounds like your husband may have become dissatisfied with some fundamental aspect of himself. His behavior sounds more like "lashing out", perhaps because he isn't getting to the core of exactly what he wants or what he wants changed. If you two have had any emotional connection at all, this behavior is not all simply a matter of physical attraction.

 

In an age where advertisers are selling us sex, with 90% of market photography airbrushed... it's not difficult to see how a man would develop false expectations about what a woman ought to look like. So, they're getting quite a bit of "visual stimulation" that has little to do with reality and oftentimes setting up their expectations accordingly.

 

If a man does not have a reasonable level of self-acceptance and a good idea of what he wants in a woman, society's expectations will fill in the gaps. This does not help a man mature emotionally, speaking from personal experience. My wife weighs in the 260s and she was heavy when we met. I always had second thoughts about my initial attraction -- because of how it might look to other people. Now, ironically, the weight itself doesn't bother me at all. But there is all this emotional baggage (on both sides) that get in the way of our intimacy.

 

It sounds like you are willing to be assertive about your desire for sex. That's great! Don't lose that. Let your husband know what you want and don't settle for less. Your husband then needs to let you know what he wants. If he can't/won't meet your expectations (and/or you can't/won't meet his), then you have tough decisions ahead about working through the problems and continuing your marriage.

[Integra]

Well he just got a job and he hasnt really been stressed exept for the occasion i am sorta making him that way, me being pregnant and all. but still its kinda bad when he wants it, i have to give it to him and when i want it, i dont get it. I cant even turn him on by trying to look sexy or try pleasing him, and it dont help with his ex on his mind all the time. i just want one moment with me and him and a wonderful night of having sex without it being that he wants it. i want us both to want it not just him. Its gotten so bad i havent even had an orgasm with him, i fake it all the time because i want to make him feel that he is doing his job by pleasing me. I dont like lieing to him about it but i dont want to make him feel like he is not doing his job you know. But i dont know what to do.

 

First off.. This whole "faking it" thing really sticks out to me...

How long have you been married?

 

Have your ever told your husband what pleases you? Have

you ever talked about what turns you on? How about,

What does he find sexy? What do you find sexy? What

turns him on.

 

How far along in your pregnancy are you? You know,

there are some men who don't feel comfortable having

sex w/ their pregnant wives.. Have you ever had

a discussion about that?

[Hidden_Love1986]

We have been married 2 years. and i have tried losing the weight i just cant because when i was 14 i had a nervous breakdown and went to the childrens hospital for a month. I was the perfect weight for my height when i was that age. They said i was too skinny because all the nurses there were a bit over weight. So they ended up putting me on a pill that made me gain massive weight and was making me sick. I told them it was doing that to me but they said its all in my head. because in hospitals anything that comes out of your mouth is crazyness. Then a doctor came and checked up on me and found out what was going on, and all the nurses got fired. the pill made me big and because i was sick from it i could have died. but after that i tried to lose the weight. I cant, because of that pill it gave me that disease where you are not able to lose weight you only gain it. if i could lose weight i would. but i cant. i just keep gaining. And i have sat down with my husband and talked to him about what is going on. I just dont know what to do with him. I love him and i dont want this relationship to end. Im trying to do all i can to please him. nothing works. i just want to give up sometimes.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

i dont know what to do. im losing it big time. Can anyone help me with my problem because i am just about to i dont know, go get surgery or something or kill his ex because of my jealousy.

 

Just ignore him and go on a diet.

 

Use that as a motivation to get in shape. Seriously. Diet and exercise.

 

When you start to look hot he'll start liking you, nothing you can do about that, he doesn't like fat.

 

If you can't deal with it divorce him.

 

Ariadne

[Ladyjane14]

We have been married 2 years. and i have tried losing the weight i just cant because when i was 14 i had a nervous breakdown and went to the childrens hospital for a month. I was the perfect weight for my height when i was that age. They said i was too skinny because all the nurses there were a bit over weight. So they ended up putting me on a pill that made me gain massive weight and was making me sick. I told them it was doing that to me but they said its all in my head. because in hospitals anything that comes out of your mouth is crazyness. Then a doctor came and checked up on me and found out what was going on, and all the nurses got fired. the pill made me big and because i was sick from it i could have died. but after that i tried to lose the weight. I cant, because of that pill it gave me that disease where you are not able to lose weight you only gain it. if i could lose weight i would. but i cant. i just keep gaining. And i have sat down with my husband and talked to him about what is going on. I just dont know what to do with him. I love him and i dont want this relationship to end. Im trying to do all i can to please him. nothing works. i just want to give up sometimes.

 

 

Sweetie, have you had any medical follow-ups on this issue?

That sounds really weird to me. Maybe the thing to do is to seek some second opinions and explore your options more fully.

 

You know, this isn't just about your relationship. It's about your life. If you're always gaining, you'll end up losing years off your lifespan and being sick when you're older.

[wizer]

I am a obese woman but that should not make any difference. If you are married it shouldnt matter how the person looks.

 

Wrong. Were you obese when you got married? If so, that makes "some" difference because he knew what he was getting into. If you were always the same weight, it still doesn't make your statement true, however, it makes less sense that he isn't attracted to you now, when he was at one time. If you gained a significant amount of weight since you married, then his reaction is understandable. Marriage does not automatically create unconditional love and attraction.

 

i even thought of going anorexic or something because i cant take this no more.

 

Consider going on a diet. Excercise. Count calories. It works.

 

Can anyone help me with my problem because i am just about to i dont know, go get surgery or something

 

 

I have seen amazing results with gastric bypass surgery in many people. There is a certain element of risk in this type of surgery, but there is also a health risk in staying obese.

 

or kill his ex because of my jealousy.

 

Killing his ex won't solve the attraction problems but jail food doesn't taste good so you might lose the weight in jail.

 

because of that pill it gave me that disease where you are not able to lose weight you only gain it.

 

What's the name of that disease? I never heard of it.

[4whatItsWorth]

I cant, because of that pill it gave me that disease where you are not able to lose weight you only gain it. if i could lose weight i would. but i cant. i just keep gaining.

 

Sweetie...the thing you're thinking of is either when it's genetic or when you have cysts on your ovaries because then it's hella lot difficult to loose weight.

 

´But I have never heard of a pill that would affect metabolism after it's not been consumed - if so, the effect should not have lasted more than a year afterwards. Did you honestly have a doctor telling you this...or is this your belief because you never managed to loose the weight?

 

Weight gained as a child is much more difficult to get off as you get older, especially if you've given into the thought "No matter what I do I won't loose the weight unless I go anorexic." Because that is wrong. You should see a doctor and have answers to if the medication is STILL really affecting your metabolism - because that does sound odd indeed. Unless you are still on the medication, it should not still affect your weight.

 

Secondly, once you know what the issue is, you should see a registered dietitian who could help you look over what you eat and give you advice. You could ask your husband to join a gym with you - it's never easy alone.

[Hidden_Love1986]

Yeah i had a doctor tell me this. and i cant remember the name of it but my husbands mom has the same thing. And yeah with some pills it makes you eat more and you cant lose the weight. I have tried. The doctor said because of the dosage of the medicine i was taking that it affected something in my body that is not allowing me to lose weight and i can only gain. There is nothing they can do for me. it just has to happen. And yeah i was obese when i got married, but i keep gaining weight because of the disease i have.

[sarme]

Yeah i had a doctor tell me this. and i cant remember the name of it but my husbands mom has the same thing. And yeah with some pills it makes you eat more and you cant lose the weight. I have tried. The doctor said because of the dosage of the medicine i was taking that it affected something in my body that is not allowing me to lose weight and i can only gain. There is nothing they can do for me. it just has to happen. And yeah i was obese when i got married, but i keep gaining weight because of the disease i have.

 

 

Forgive me for saying that your posts raise some suspition, you describe your "disease" in very vague terms, plus you have a disease and you don't even know the name of it? What person gets diagnosed with a disease and can't even remember the name of it??

Unless of course you get Alzheimher's

 

This smells of troll to me. sorry.

[Mustang Sally]

I agree with whoever called the OP on the "faking it" issue.

 

OP -

Faking it just leads to sexually unsatisfied women and inept male lovers.

Please stop doing that NOW.

[marsbars]

I agree with whoever called the OP on the "faking it" issue.

 

OP -

Faking it just leads to sexually unsatisfied women and inept male lovers.

Please stop doing that NOW.

 

I will agree too. If your H learns of the "faking" it could make your problems even worse. The male psyche is very fragile and a blow like that can make it even worse.

[Hidden_Love1986]

I just got the name of what i have. It is Gaucher Disease. Its a disease that usually affects 1 out of 100,000 people a year and can be cause genetically by the parents or can be cause from an over reaction from certain types of medication. Right now I'm at Gaucher Disease type 3. Which is one of the highest types you can come to. It affects the Glucose and fat cells in your body making them to enlarge and very impossible to bring them back to there normal size. Working out and being very active can cause your cells to enlarge more. I called my doctor and got all the information on what the disease was and what it does. So now you know what it is and you don't have to worry about it no more.

 

[Lizzie60]

Yeah i had a doctor tell me this. and i cant remember the name of it but my husbands mom has the same thing. And yeah with some pills it makes you eat more and you cant lose the weight. I have tried. The doctor said because of the dosage of the medicine i was taking that it affected something in my body that is not allowing me to lose weight and i can only gain. There is nothing they can do for me. it just has to happen. And yeah i was obese when i got married, but i keep gaining weight because of the disease i have.

 

I never heard of such a disease... sorry but you need to get more information from your doctor... I don't think such a pill exists...

 

If I were you, I would get my butt at the gym asap and watch my diet... eat healthy and exercise... this is the only way... no miracle (unless you rely on surgery) will do it...

 

He might be disgusted at the weight gain and your unwillingness to deal with your problem... He can't do it for you... YOU have to take care of yourself...

[sunshinegirl]

Gaucher's is an inherited, genetic disease. I did a little bit of online research on it and read nothing that says it can be caused by medication.

 

I'm curious about it because I know two people (sisters) with Gaucher's and neither of them has a chronic weight gain problem. They can't be at high altitudes for long periods of time because the air at high altitude doesn't have enough oxygen in it. Beyond that I know they struggle with fatigue and they regularly go to a treatment center for enzyme therapy.

 

Weight gain is not listed as one of the symptoms of the disease - at least not on the site I read. The liver and spleen can enlarge, swelling the abdomen, but that's not the same as chronic weight gain.

 

Maybe type 3 Gaucher's is different but I'm a little bit skeptical. To the OP: is there any chance you are using your condition as an easy scapegoat to blame your continued weight gain on?

 

I don't mean that in an accusatory manner, but just to push your thinking a bit. My friends with Gaucher's aren't skinny, but they're not really overweight either, and their weight has been stable in all the years I have known them.

 

Usually it's our thinking that is the biggest thing holding us back in life, so if you are taking a defeatist attitude toward your weight because of an imagined link to your disease, it's no wonder you are frustrated in trying to do anything about it.

[Hidden_Love1986]

You know what **** you guys, you have no idea of what is going on in my life, maybe if you should try living in my shoes then you would get the ****ing picture in your head, but dont sit there and contradict me on everything i say until you lived my life. SO GO **** YOURSELVES!!..

[4whatItsWorth]

You know what **** you guys, you have no idea of what is going on in my life, maybe if you should try living in my shoes then you would get the ****ing picture in your head, but dont sit there and contradict me on everything i say until you lived my life. SO GO **** YOURSELVES!!..

 

Oh my...what a charming reply, girl. You know, bashing us who replied won't make it better. Several people have already suggested asking your husband what is up, and tell him what you would like him to do. If you have the disease, then there is still no excuse not to eat healthily. Sounds like a pretty odd disease if you can get fatter by exercising...sounds more like you should be put on a low fat diet then if you can add up fats you consume.

 

I sincerely hope your doctor has given you some advice on how to adress this problem - otherwise you should ask him to do so. Even genetic diseases with predisposable future obesity can be managed on some level...

 

You're right we have no idea what it is like to have Gaucher's...but some of those who replied DOES know what it is like when the husband won't show them love when they need it the most.

 

Thinking it is impossible to loose weight...perhaps. But that is giving up without even having tried - if you loose your husband because you're obese - then what husband was he in the first place anyway? I sure as hell wouldn't wanna be with someone who'd leave me the moment I became fat.

 

I still suggest, if you will listen, to ask your doctor about ways to reduce the weight - whether by dietitian or other. And I also suggest strongly talking to your husband about your feelings.

[MrsHellnoFire]

Maybe you should request medical history and find out what medication you were put on in the first place as a child and if there is any truth here, sue them for medical costs in whatever you need to halt or reverse the process.

 

Plus I would get a second opinion with a general physician and then an expert with "Gauchers disease".

I haven't found anything that specifically noted weight gain as the symptoms but maybe this is close: "Gaucher disease is caused by decreased amounts of an enzyme called glucocerebrosidase (pronounced GLOO-coh-ceree-broh-SI-dase). This enzyme is supposed to break down fats that the body has made. When these fats cannot be broken down, they are stored in the lysosomes of cells called macrophages ("big eaters"). Disease symptoms are caused by this storage and chemicals that are released from the stored cells. The fat, glucocerebroside, is made by the body and does not come from the food we eat."

Basically I read that it is a neurological disease as well and type three onset of brain symptoms like slow retardation can take place anywhere from your 20s - 40s. Don't you think you should be seeing a doc about this???

 

I kind of agree as well that you might be using this excuse to GIVE UP on even bother trying.

[OpenBook]

if you loose your husband because you're obese - then what husband was he in the first place anyway? I sure as hell wouldn't wanna be with someone who'd leave me the moment I became fat.

 

That's a nice thought. Unfortunately, the reality is quite different. I have noticed that whenever I lose weight, men treat me differently. All men. The men I've known, and the men I meet for the first time. My girlfriends who've also gone thru weight fluctuations have experienced the exact same thing.

 

You can keep a man's love as long as you keep yourself looking good. If you slack off and let yourself go, your man will eventually either leave you or cheat on you. It's the law of the jungle.

 

The only effective answer I've found is, don't depend on a man for your self-esteem in the first place. And HiddenLove, that's my contribution to your thread.IMO, your priority now is the child you are carrying. It is not a good time to worry about your weight. Or your H and his snotty disgusting looks. Tell him to cut it out. And remind him that the most dangerous animal in the wild is a MOTHER.

[4whatItsWorth]

That's a nice thought. Unfortunately, the reality is quite different. I have noticed that whenever I lose weight, men treat me differently. All men.

 

Amen, sister. I agree with you fully...and to me "fat" is never "sexy". Why? Because it is a sign of unhealthy. It is not "normal" to be fat - the body is not made for the consequences.

 

Thing is though, she started the thread demanding her husband to love her the way she is...and a man can do that...but not all men would love her physically - even if the inside is appealing enough. Truth is, if she wants someone who loves her *just* the way she is...then she need to find a man who loves "love handles". She SHOULDN'T have to loose weight, and he SHOULD love her the way he married her...but he probably won't. Nevertheless...she has the right to refuse to stay married to a man who doesn't want her physically. Nobody can force her to change if she truly is happy in her shape...

 

...and where did it state she was pregnant? :S Perhaps then he just doesnt view pregnant as sexy...some men dont.