Help>>advice!

[fhtfire]

Here is the story..I am a firefighter and one day at work I got and e-mail for an adult personals service site it was spam. So one day as a Joke some of my fellow co-workers made up a fake person and e-mail ect. We got a reply from an adult film star..who is well known. Let me say that all my co-workers that were involved are all married except one individual.

 

So as a group we would write e-mails to this porn star..more or less as a joke. We were getting such a kick talking to this individual. Well, my wife found some of the e-mails and was not happy. They were e-mails that I did not write. The emails were form an idividual in the group who went out on his own and wrote e-mails. Any other e-mails that were written that I was involved in were done as a group. She freaked out and that was totally understandable. She thought that it was just me writing e-mails. The single individual was into porn and new all about this porn star. He was writing e-mails to this porn star on his own. The rest of the group was unaware of this. Any email that I was involved in was done as a group.

 

Well, the emails my wife found were not ones that I had written or had replied to. So, when she found the 2 or three e-mails there was something about waiting for her call(the porn star), and sending a photo to her and she liked it. So I was questioned if I ever called her or sent a photo and I said no. It turns out the single individual was chatting with her on his own and waiting for her call was a chat term when you "ring someone" to start chatting, and the single individual sent a fake photo he found of some studly dude on the internt. Where I messed up was that I took the fall for everyone involved.

 

She was so freaked out that I thought she would call the other wives or make a stink about it and the dept administration would find out and we would all possibly lose our jobs because this type of stuff is not allowed at work. So I did not mention the joke or the group. Very poor judgment on all our parts. We just got sucked into the internet trap that so many people get sucked into. So I took the fall and said it was just a stupid mistake and it was harmless again protecting the other people.

 

Well, we went to counseling to save our marriage. I know that if it came down to it and she had divorce papers I would have spilt the beans and told the whole story. But I was so scared it would affect so many other people and there families, not to mention losing the respect of the other firefighter in the department who I care about and hold my life in there hands in the line of duty.

 

Well, that was a year ago and my wife has been very distant to me..of course I can't blame her. I thought that time would heal. Well, I let the cat out of the bag and told her the whole truth that I was not the only one that it was a group effort. So At least she would be secure in the knowlege that I was not a cheater and doing this on my own. She did feel better about that. But now she is pissed that I took the fall and did not tell her the truth at the beginning. She said she knew the whole time she was not getting all the info..she could just tell..she knows me. I just thought in her state of mind that more damage would be done if I did tell at the beginning. So she brought up the sending a photo and that I lied about it and I said that I did not lie..I did not send a photo and I was not aware that the single individual sent a photo of a person he found on the internet..and that the waiting for the call was the single person who set up a chat room to talk to her on his own..I did not know that single person was chatting with her that much or was sending e-mails on his own. The single person I am talking about I know has alot of subscriptions to porn mags and knew quite a bit about this porn star.

 

The thing was it was all in good fun and I got caught in the middle. I love my wife and could never love anyone like I love her. I have never and would never have an affair on her. I used very poor judgment in both instances..sending e-mails in the first place and protecting my co-workers and our jobs. I feel she should at least be releived that I did not do this on my own and it was a big joke...well I guess the Joke is on me.

 

Was I wrong by protecting my co-workers and what do I do now. She thinks I was dishonest when I answered some of the questions about the e-mails she found..but I did not know what the e-mails said and I did not write them the single person did on his own...so I did answer to the best of my knowlege. Help!

[marie3332]

It sounds kinda sketchy. Was it one email account that the whole group shared?

 

If you explain to your wife that you told white lies a year ago to protect the group and take the fall, then she should understand. If she doesn't, then take her out to a nice dinner and apologize again and ask how to make it up to her.

 

The whole thing sounds inappropriate, especially since the emails were sent from work. However, it's not something to get divorced over. It's not like you actually hooked up with anyone! If your wife actually considered divorcing you over the incident, then the marriage had problems to begin with.

[Carly]

Oh, the tangled web we weave...

 

You are basically a good guy who was a little slow on the take for staking your allegiance.

 

Work is important. Friends are important. Friends at work are important.

 

But none are as important as your wife. Is is with your wife to whom you have vowed to love HONOUR and cherish.

 

But you know all that now, so no sense lecturing here.

 

I would show her your original post to us. It is a beautiful "mea culpa." In it you have exposed your own mistakes, and have expressed a sincere desire to win back her love and trust. It has certainly convinced me that you are remorseful and ready to repent. Let's hope that your wife can see it that way as well.

 

If that won't do it, then how about a written apology to all involved (including your wife), expressing your regret to everyone involved -- but that you are MOST sorry by FAR to your wife for the hurt and breach of trust you have caused. Perhaps you have the event's "anniversary" coming up to give the chance to send it out. And it need not be schmultzy -- it can even have some humour as long as it is in good taste.

 

Good luck!

[fyrwyfe]

I am FHTFIRE's wife... he took the previous members advice & showed his post to me. I realize that he is sorry for what he has done, but the way I feel about it is that he chose not to be honest with me based on an assumpion that I may freak out & call the other fella's wives or call the station & tattle on him. That is a good reason for not coming clean when that is what I needed the most? He CHOSE not to tell me the truth when I begged for him to just..be..honest & straightforward with me. He claimed that he never sent a picture of himself, but an email to her stated "here is a picture of me - hope you like it" - another email to her stated "I will be here waiting for your call" yet he claimed that he never talked to her on the phone or via instant messaging... it was always just too fishy for me to ever believe, yet to try to keep our marriage together I worked to just get over it because there was nothing more I could do... Today I found out that for the last year he has held back the real truth from me - all this time he could have offered up the real explanation - even if he didn't personally send her a picture or instant message her he knew damn well one of his station buddies very well did. What makes even less sense is that covering for them made him look so much worse - I mean, which is worse: your mate emailing porn-star one-on-one OR your mate and some other guys at the station emailing porn-star as a joke??? Why would he not tell me the truth about he AND the guys when it would have been so much easier for me to swallow? At this point how am I to know if what he told me today isn't a lie? I just don't know how to trust him or why I even should. He wrote that he would have "spilt the beans" if I would have thrown divorce papers at him... is that what it takes to get the truth out of him? My husband seems to really see the value of his wife only when I'm halfway out the door.

It was mentioned by one of the members that if I woud get divorced over this then we must have other problems.... well this is true. We have had our share of several other crisis's in our marriage where it took counseling to pull it back together. I've had to recover from those incidents just to find myself in up to my neck in this one, and I find myself thinking "what's the next catastrophe going to be & when"... How can a marriage work when the trust is gone? How can the trust be earned back at this point when I don't seem to be too terribly important to him?