needed independece,pecked another guy

[stupidstupidgirl]

Hi,

 

Desperate for peoples opinions. Been with bf for 2 years, ABSOLUTELY LOVE the guy, we adore each other, and even though i am only just 20, i really feel we will (if i am lucky enough!) grow old and wrinkley together.

 

We have had our problems though. I have suffered from depression from a young age, and at the beginning of this year, decided to seek professional help, if not for my own sake, for my bf. I was having panic attacks and break downs on a regular basis, and i just could not put him through it anymore. after couselling for several months, everything was looking a lot better for me in this sense. I did not have an anxiety attack for months. i worked so hard. then one night i slipped up, and i was crying hysterically and hyperventilating, God knows why?!! My boyfriend snapped. He lost it with me. He said he wanted us to have some time apart. Something else that i must add is that i have only ever been in long term relationships since the age of 15, and my first 2 year boyfriend treated me disgustingly, sleeping with 5 other girls, and i feel this greatly affected the panic attacks i had.

 

For the first few days, it was hell, no contact with each other, nothing, i felt like i needed to be locked in an asylum! But when i calmed down, started to think clearly, i realised that he has many faults of his own. He gets so moody, and ignores me for days, when things go wrong for him in anyway, its such a big deal. But regardless of the extent to which he does this, i stick by him, give him all the support i can etc. After all, if you are going to be with someone from such a young age, you both cannot expect the other person to be enlightened and perfect, we have to allow for growing up and changing. What i could not understand is why i should have to work so hard at sorting out my faults (seeking professional help etc) with so little sympathy, when he has so many problems of his own that i let deal with because i love him.?? it seemed unbalanced. he made me feel like i was mentally ill.

 

So we did not see each other for a couple of weeks, i tried to contact him a couple of times but he was very rude with me, despite all my apologies.

This is a common occurance.

 

I felt like i was going bonkers. I had no idea what it was like to be an independent person (having only ever been in realationships), as when in a relationship i give them everything, and when someone makes you feel your crazy, you get trapped by everything. i had no real friends and i had no real hobbies, just a mind full of frustration.

 

So i figured that i had to sort myself out in this time apart. I was working 13 hour shifts waitressing for 7 days in a row (which was good as it kept me busy). In this time i felt like i had never felt before, i was meeting new people and becoming an individual and believed i was NOT mad, and people found me interesting. Infact, a guy seemed to take a liking to me! I enjoyed this, as i felt like my boyfriend had basically broken up with me. I say that honestly. So i talked to this guy a lot, i didnt particularly flirt. We all went out on the last night after our shifts to celebrate the hard work we had done.

This guy started outrageously flirting, and i danced with him a bit, but then i realised things were getting a little too close. So i left. even though i was convinced my boyfriend was about to break up with me, i just left. But the guy followed me out. We walked and talked for 2 hours, i told him everything about bf etc. He was just good to talk to. When i decided to go home he gave me a peck (not a full blown snog) on the lips. i went 'whoaaaa!' dont go there sort of thing. but he had been a friend to talk with me, so i gave him a small peck on the lips (literally a split second, no snog) and left him.

 

I FELT SO SO SICK!!!! the guilt racked my body. I told my bf the next day, face to face. he told me he didnt want to see me still.

 

I was a wreck. I needed independence, i needed comfort, and a hug from someone who wanted to listen.

 

So i kept in contact with the guy that had tried it on with me. We saw each other in a group situation a couple of times. we hugged a little, taked a lot. no way did i love him. i was torn about my boyfriend, and desperate to feel strong.

 

So to cut it all short, i saw this guy a couple of times, pecked him on the lips a couple of times, hugged a bit and talked a lot. he knew my situation.

 

So i expected to see my boyfriend again after a couple of weeks and i thought he would tell me all the problems he had with me and that would be that. finished. But no. He said that in the time we has apart, he thought a lot and realised that he didnt want to lose me, he realised he had been selfish, he wanted everything to change. WHAT!!!! this was the last thing i expected.

 

Now i felt TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been cheated on so so badly before, i swore i would never brush with infidelity. BUt even though i physically barely kissed this guy, i feel like i had emotionally betrayed him. I love him SO SO MUCH and if i thought he wanted to sort things out with me i would have acted like a nun!

 

We are together and have been for a few weeks now. its brilliant. i am being far more independent and we both feel like our love has blossomed again. we are talking more. i told him about that inital peck on the lips, and i told him that whilst we were apart from each other, i felt like i was emotionally detatched from him, and that i had a really messed up time, nd he is fine with it all.but should i be telling him more??? i am wracked with guilt but i cant help but feel that if the incident with the guy had not happended, things would be as bad as they were. he was a big help to me.

 

If some kind person coould give me some advice on whether i should feel this guilty or not,

 

thankyou so much for your time.

[Cobra_X30]

Actually, I think if you stay with your boyfriend you need to do it on your terms, not his.

 

You need to spend more time becoming independant. Take some time, get to know yourself better. It sounds like you are a very good person with strong morals. Don't beat yourself up about this too much. It was your boyfriend who initiated the break... not you!

 

Fall in love with yourself first!

[stupidstupidgirl]

thankyou so so much, thats the kindest thing someone has said yet. i thought i would write on this page and people would tell me i was a disgusting cheating person. which i felt like i deserved. but i know i would NEVER go near a guy again. just want the thoughts to get out of my head.. dont know how to do that!x

[Cobra_X30]

No, I understand!

 

Ive done some things in the past I am not proud of either. Its obvious you are remorseful for what you have done. I hope your BF also learns how valuable you are to him. I hope he learns to treat you well. Most guys dont learn this on thier own.

 

What do you plan to do?

[stupidstupidgirl]

i am certain that i want to be with him, it took me by shock how h he wanted to sort things out with me,and hes been trying so hard, bless him. We are perfect now, absolutely in love, i just don;t know if i should / am meant to tell him in more depth what happened in that time apart. i think that the reason i feel awful is that even though he declared 'time apart' i don't thinkhe meant as in 'fully single'. not that i took this attitude, but at the same time, as i said, i feel that things would not right with us if i had not had that encounter. i have told him i felt like i emotionally betrayed him, not specifically with this guy, but in a general sense of really wondering whether i wanted to be with him, and i did tell him about the initial 'peck' we had. this is all driving me crazy, any moment alone i think about it. but i know that telling him more would only make things sound so so muchworse than they are, and iwould crush him, especially now we are brilliant with each other. i have made it as clear as possible to him that i was 'not with him' in that time, emotionally in another place, but i have not told him i got to know this guy really well etc.

 

do you think its a matter of time that i stop having these thoughts?? if were with him in 10 years time, i would look back at this and think how ridiculous this all is, im very young, and have given him so much.

 

i love him!

[claudia2000ca]

:ohey stupid stupid girl hahaa nice name!BTW

Any ways let me introduce myself a bit so i can give you some feed back to let you know that you are not alone in this world.

 

Ok so my name is claudia and im the same age as you. Ive been with my bf for 2.5 years and before that i was also in a LDR (long distance relationship) with my first in everything bf from the time i was 13 till almost turning 16...and the first time it really didnt go well for me either. Like you I have many problems as well, not panic attacks but i have personality disorder which is wrecking my relationship with my current bf. Im psycho jealous, controlling, insecure and everything about, even though me and my bf like you say ADORE eachother.

So going back to your problem dont feel guilty over pecking another guy while you and you bf were taking sometime apart...the reason i tell you this is because you have to be thankful that you did it out of the relationship not in it. You see me, ive made a huge mistake about a year ago which i really dont have an excuse for it because it was wrong i i know it. Mine was a bit different from yours because i was actually with my bf at the time and with me there was no physical contact but there was verbal so i dont know which one is worse. I basically chatted with another guy on msn and my bf saw the conversation and if it werent for my mom that talked to him we werent be oging out still. So now everytime i get jealous over something or insecure about myself my bf reminds me of that all the time we get into fights..and its not easy for me because i basically broke his heart. So dont feel bad because you werent with him and at least you got it out in the open and he's ok with that, and you should be proud.

 

And no out dont see why u should be mentally ill thats actually something quite normal. You just need to take a step back and think before you act. Guys dont like girls who freak out like that ( i know because my bfs ex was like that) and he didnt love her very much. But despite of my insecurities he does love me because i've realized many things and whanever i freak out i take a deep breath and if something is bothering me i just talk with a sweet voice which helps alot.

 

"I felt like i was going bonkers. I had no idea what it was like to be an independent person (having only ever been in realationships), as when in a relationship i give them everything, and when someone makes you feel your crazy, you get trapped by everything. i had no real friends and i had no real hobbies, just a mind full of frustration."

 

Regarding to what you said above, dont feel bad, im in the same situacion, i can say that my only real friend is my bf! lol

 

Anyways hope you understand and feel better about it!!!

[Cobra_X30]

i i think that the reason i feel awful is that even though he declared 'time apart' i don't thinkhe meant as in 'fully single'. not that i took this attitude, but at the same time, as i said, i feel that things would not right with us if i had not had that encounter

 

do you think its a matter of time that i stop having these thoughts?? if were with him in 10 years time, i would look back at this and think how ridiculous this all is, im very young, and have given him so much.

 

i love him!

 

I know most poeple will tell you to keep it to yourself and deal with it internally.

 

Me, Ive just got a few quick points about this. First, this will continue to eat away at you until you resolve it! Every time you look in a mirror your going to see someone who you dont like. You cant build a relationship on lies... you want to be open and honest about everything... even the things that hurt. Plus he needs to be able to make an honest choice to be with you, knowing full well what happened.

 

So, when he said lets take a break... did he say the terms and conditions? Did he date anyone else?

 

I know you love him... but love is not easy. Maybe in time you will look back and think it was no big deal. I hope that isnt the case, I hope you keep your idealism and dont become hurt and jaded by the world.

 

I suppose thats allot to think about. Whether he knows it or not your BF is a very lucky guy.

 

In the end the choice is yours! Whatever path you choose I wish you the best.