crzyblndstar Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 I am not really sure what is going on with me lately. It just seems that no matter what I do, I am never just..happy. I have my moments where I am in a good mood and feel like myself, but the majority of the time, I am not. I have always generally been a very happy and outgoing person. I very rarely got in bad moods unless something caused them. But, lately it seems that all I do is go to work and then go home and sit on the couch in front of the tv. I don't want to dishes or laundry or cook dinner, I just want to sit. I know that I am not completely happy with my home life right now. Sometimes I feel like me and my boyfriend are just roommates. I ask him periodically if he even likes me or if I am just there to have someone there. We don't like to do the same things as he is more of a homebody and I am very social and want to be amongst people sometimes. But, I cannot even tell you the last time he smiled at me, because of me. We just don't have fun together. I know that I love him very much and he is wonderful to me and my son, but I just don't know if that is enough. Then, my ex decides to email me about wanting to be a part of my son's life again. He disappeared for over a year and now decides that it is convenient for him to be a father again. I am so confused and stressed over this too. with him coming back around, it has brought back all of the horrible feelings and memories of those 2 sickening years we spent together. I have literally had 2 nightmares about him this week alone. And I am talking nightmares that wake me up in a panic. I have acknowledged the fact that I did not give myself enough time to recover from the abuse nor did I deal with it in a healthy manner. I tend to just put a wall up and try to forget about things that I don't want to think about instead of just dealing with them. I just don't like the way I am feeling lately. I have realized some things about myself that I don't necessarily like and that I would like to change but I am not sure how. All of this just causes me so much anxiety and I am afraid the panic attacks are going to come back if I don't do something soon. I just don't know where to start. If I go to my family doctor, he will just put me on medicine and I would rather not take it. I have been on Paxil before and I don't really think I need that right now. I actually just feel like maybe I should talk to someone who can help me deal with some things and sort them out. I absolutely hate admitting that there is something wrong with me. There are so many other people out there who are way worse off than me and have so many worse problems that I feel bad for feeling this way. I feel like I am acting whiney and spoiled or something. Like I just need to suck it up and deal with it. I just needed to get this off my chest. Anyway, thanks for reading. Any advice anyone has would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Forget what other people are going through, those thoughts will just make you feel guilty for the way YOU are feeling. Everyone is entilted to feel the way they do and thinking that other people are worse off then you should not invalidate those feelings. Knowing that something is wrong is always the first step. Now you just have to take the next step and that is to go see someone, and then the third step to follow through with there suggestions (if they will work for you) and so on. One step at a time. You do sound depressed. I hate that the world thinks that people are depressed need to be avoided, it's okay, shout it out. I feel the same way you do, I never cook anymore even though I love to. On Friday nights I just want to sit by myself and watch TV. I do however have weekly activites that I force myself to go to if I have to. You need to find something to do and force yourself to do it. After a few times it will improve your overall mood. I get insecure with my relationship also and ask the questions, "do you love me", "am I pretty", etc. I find that I especially do this around that time. I think if I tracked when I came on here to post the most it would almost always coeincide with my monthly flow. HAHA. You definitly need to go see someone, I can tell you that posting on these boards helps me a lot, it's almost like a diary but I get advice from objective people. Good luck and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crzyblndstar Posted October 11, 2007 Author Share Posted October 11, 2007 Thank you redfathom for your advice. I do know that my boyfriend loves me. I can honestly say that I trust him 100% and that if it came down to it, he would do just about anything for me. Sometimes I just wonder what is behind his love. Oh heck, I dont know. And I do have an activity that I do twice a week. Somehow or another between working full-time, going to school full-time and trying to raise a toddler and be a good girlfriend, I have made time to do something for myself, and it is healthy at that. But, between all that, when do I find the time to see a therapist or a counselor? I know I have issues, and I know some of them are bigger than I even realize, and I really do want to know where they come from and how to deal with them, but I am scared. As much as I want to know all of this, I am scared to learn these things about myself as well. There I go again, wanting to ignore it. AAUGH!!! I hate this. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 With regards to your relationship with your BF. Do you think your current mood has anything to do with how you feel about your r? If so, then I would say to focus on YOU right now and the rest will work it's self out. Maybe if you mention to your BF that you are overwhelmed with all the responsibilites you have he will understand if you take a break from taking care of him. Not a break from him completely, just that you will not be able to devote as much energy to him as you normally would and if you talk about it then you won't have to feel guilty about that. There is only one you and unfortunatly we all have issues. You can choose to run from them or you can choose to accept them then control them. Self discovery should be a good thing. If you avoid the bad you might miss out on the good too. Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Your descriptions sound like you're suffering from mild depression. You need to break out of it. If necessary take a break from the daily routine and re-invent yourself. Do something that you like for a change. Travel a bit if that is an option. Just take a break basically and feel yourself rejuvenated Just my two bits .. Bobby Link to post Share on other sites
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