Author carrotgirl Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 Yah. I'm not going to do NC. It's too difficult for me to separate things given the new professional relationship. As for friendship, I'm still thinking it over. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I really would recommend you do nc, or at least dont do friendship just yet. If you are still speaking to each other then it at least gives you the advantage in that he will be able to see how interesting and full your life is now. As for your earlier question. Its clear he is suffering a bit with his decision, and maybe he is confused, maybe this is the reason he doesnt want to see anyone else at the moment. All the more reason to keep away. In his confusion, he can easily continue giving you mixed signals and keep you spinning for a long time. Its so common to see this happening, look at the hundreds of threads. As Aria woman says, he is likely to keep you around while he gets over you, then when he is, he moves on, while you continue spinning. It happens frequently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 Spind, NC isn't going to happen. We're going to have to work together and that's that. There's really no evidence he's suffering or not. He's not giving me mixed signals. He's very openly seeking contact. No mixed signal. He's putting effort into friendship. No mixed signal. I'm concerned at how readily people jump to conclusions, not saying you but in general. I refuse to get into this place where I'm a victim and he's a perpetrator... I see plainly enough that many people have those situations but in all fairness, that's not the reality of my situation at all. I'm not a victim. He's not the enemy. Which isn't to say that makes it any easier for me or makes the hurt any less. I'm not rushing to decide anything. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
heartoutside Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I thought the same thing that there's a reason she's always in contact with me, (I think you know my situation.) I mean almost a week ago she sent me a text saying she wanted to sleep next to me that night....now she's decided that she's in a "relationship" with this guy who's been hanging around her for the past 3 or 4 months. My ex had said from day one that this wasn't about moving on or finding someone else, she just wanted time to figure things out for herself (she told me this and countless others. I never say myself as the victim, but as her savior. Now, after what has happened in the past week, I wish I had gone NC a long time ago. Our ex's are in messed up places and just as we aren't thinking logically about the status of the relationship, they aren't thinking logically about the effects of their actions on us. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 Spind, NC isn't going to happen. We're going to have to work together and that's that. There's really no evidence he's suffering or not. He's not giving me mixed signals. He's very openly seeking contact. No mixed signal. He's putting effort into friendship. No mixed signal. I'm concerned at how readily people jump to conclusions, not saying you but in general. I refuse to get into this place where I'm a victim and he's a perpetrator... I see plainly enough that many people have those situations but in all fairness, that's not the reality of my situation at all. I'm not a victim. He's not the enemy. And I am concerned at how readily you jump to the conclusion that NC is something to do with victims and perpetrators. I've never suggested that you were a victim, and in actual fact, based on my own experiences in life, I more readily sympathise with his position. If he is not giving you mixed signals then where are you getting them from? He's saying friendship, you are analysing why his definition of friendship is suspiciously similar to that of relationship. He's saying friendship, and you are analysing why he only wants to see you and nobody else. I am not attacking you, just pointing out why this contact is not very healthy for you, in my opinion, but not just mine, at this moment in time. I would suggest giving yourself at least 2 maybe 3 weeks of LC, only because NC isnt possible. That means only talking about work related issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 Hey now, it's a heck of a leap thinking that I associate NC with being a victim! That wasn't what I was getting at. But I've seen a lot of why the ex is going to hurt me in this thread where it's rather more accurate and fair to say, I might be hurt. Well sure, sooner or later something related to that man is likely to hurt whether the status changes or not. LC/NC isn't going to protect me from that. It's actually significantly more effort not to mention more painful for me to do either of those than it is to try to act as normally as possible. Doing those things I was on edge all of the time hyper aware in an effort to protect myself and it didn't keep the ex away or make me feel any better. Denying an offer of friendship is not the same thing as cutting someone off completely. It's simply saying, no I don't want to be friends with you. I don't care to say that. It's a difficult thing to take back and isn't true. I don't feel a need to counter dump. Since this isn't a tactic, I don't feel compelled to put a name on it. If we're going to BE friends, we'll be friends no title required. I pointed out this was not directed to you Spind. I read a lot of reacting in general regarding my ex. I'm not thrilled to be defending the man so much but nameless as we may be here, I'm uncomfortable allowing a false depiction. I can't learn a damn thing from the rest of you if I'm misrepresenting either of us. But try to amend a misunderstanding around here and I have the man on a pedestal, or I have delusions of being special instead of believing I'm telling it like it is. So I try to keep it honest, keep myself honest. Make sense? Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 And OOH! Look! I'm an established member now. That means this week will be 5 weeks. But the prickles are offset by oooh! I'm an established member now! It's the little things... Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 And OOH! Look! I'm an established member now. That means this week will be 5 weeks. But the prickles are offset by oooh! I'm an established member now! It's the little things... Carrot Congrats I apologise for my last post, yes, I mis-understood. I agree with you, theres alot of "dumpers are evil" mentality around. This probably cannot be avoided, since people are usually subjective when giving advice, and are speaking through their own pain, or whatever coping mechanism they are applying at the time. You are right, nothing will protect you from pain. I dont think anybody thinks that NC will protect from pain, but, rather will protect from confusion. I dont know if anybody is suggesting that he is out to hurt you, but, suggesting that the situation can hurt you more, and for longer in time. It doesn't mean that his own pain isnt acknowledged either, but since you are the one posting here, then the advice is being given to you. But having said that, you sound like you have the compassion and wisdom to do what is best. AND... I agree that friendship needs no title, it is or it isnt. And yes, you make perfect sense. Link to post Share on other sites
sao2 Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 Dumpers are not evil, but that doesn't take away from the fact that when we are dumped, the last thing in the world we need is more contact with the dumper. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 I hear what you're saying Aria. Does it matter in your opinion if the ex is purposely sequestering himself away from friends and family? It seems like he's making a very specific effort to be alone all of the time with the exception of one person. Carrot I would try to stop reading into his actions, carrot. More than likely, there's nothing to read. We often look for the things we want to see, I sure know I did. I would think to myself - But he's calling me! But he's emailing me! Yeah, so what. he never committed to me, not ONCE. I was the fool to believe that just because he was throwing a few crumbs, meant he wanted me. That's not what it meant at it. All it meant was he wanted ME to hold HIM over until HE moved on. And guess what, that's exactly what happened. And me, well I was the left mending an actual broken heart, while he was happy (is happy, who knows) with someone else. I'm merely trying to dissuade you from the path I took, because it SUCKED. It still sucks. I still think about him daily and it's been almost FIVE MONTHS since he replaced me without looking back. I dont wish this upon my worst enemy... Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 Aria, you could be right. I have no bid to argue about the future. I'm tired now. My heart is broken now. My psyche is battered now. No more of his I'll see you tomorrow. No you won't. I'll see you the day after then. No you won't. I'll see you sometime after then. No. You. Won't. Are you going away on holiday? Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..... Yah. I'm having a holiday with the bottle. I'm going drink until I pass out. And then I'll wake up and drink some more until I pass out again. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 I know the first two months was the hardest for me... I have to agree with Aria.... After almost 4 months.... I analysized it all... He talked to me, he waved.... I looked for it as a sign he still loved me.... Dillusions.... And yes I took to drinking, thinking , analyzing, wondering, hopeful, running into him, obsessive.... .... I was addicted, they say it takes 2 months to get over the withdrawal.... I can look at it from a different perspective now... I question what the relationship was now as compared to just wanting contact and reconcilliation.... I look at it now as what were the reasons for the breakup? How do I better myself? I found I could look at this relationship in a much better view without the constant distractions of me and him in contact.... You really won't begin to realize that until you have NC.... Without the distraction... you can really see it for what it is....JMHO Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 18, 2007 Author Share Posted October 18, 2007 Tired more than I thought was possible. Passed out on 1/2 drink last night so that tells you something. It tells me I'm doing a very poor job of becoming an alkie. Everything today has been bad. I half expect to get home and find a dead kitty. That bad. The ex. seems to have quit on trying to be friends. After only a week. As always, at least I know where I stand. Unless he comes up with some new excuse.... that is reasonable..... Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 19, 2007 Author Share Posted October 19, 2007 It was a very bad day. The ex came over after work and spent most of the night holding me while I alternately vented and napped. He fed Cat and made me some soup and a sandwich and held me some more... until I fell asleep again. He left milk and bickies for when I woke up. There was no weird romance and no weird vibe. I didn't wonder would there be anything sexual. And strangely enough, that was a good thing. There was only plain physical calm in each other's presence, no stress and no distress. It was comfortable. His cologne smelled nice. I'm going to finish my milk and go back to sleep. Tomorrow is shaping up to be no better and I can see that I have no perspective about the ex whatsoever so I wonder what else I have no perspective about. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 Carrot dear, I know, sometimes you need that "be with me while I sleep" day. It is just so easy to continue this, so easy. He is helping you through it, but, its so illogical. He is helping you to get over you and him no longer being together. At some point, you have to have the let go day. Are you looking after yourself properly? Getting nutrients? Exercise? Look after yourself, make yourself strong, do what ever you need to. Go to yoga classes. Dont try to get perspective, just try to get strong, and (very importantly) have some time away from him. Perspective will happen naturally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 19, 2007 Author Share Posted October 19, 2007 I agree with all you said about looking after myself properly. Yesterday's badness had 99.5% nothing to do with the ex. It was a terrible day professionally, the sort where you wonder not just if you're going to be let go but if your mistakes will follow you around in perpetuity. Add to that a sneaky, conniving associate. It was good of the ex to show friendly consideration. And I classify it as that and nothing more. He was showing simple kindness with no strings and no deep meaning. He was merely kind (as if kindness is ever pejorative) and I appreciated it. Are you saying I should question his motives? Or my own for letting him come over? Or both? Are you saying his being a comforting presence was not a good thing for me yesterday? Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 Not at all. I am definetly not saying there were motives. Neither am I saying anyone was wrong. It was kind of him. And its nice. All I am saying is that it is easy to keep doing this. I dont know if it helps you to get over him. That is all. If you know otherwise, then it doesnt matter what anyone else says. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 19, 2007 Author Share Posted October 19, 2007 Spind! I think I know that I don't know much despite how much I think! Whatever else it might have been in actuality last night, what I perceived was good. I'm going with that. I could use another three days of sleep. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 Carrot, Go with your instincts. Dont forget most people here are speaking subjectively, no matter how hard we try! Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 19, 2007 Author Share Posted October 19, 2007 Okay, yah, I guess there is a little bit more to share. There is a change in the ex today. He looks at me like seeing me gives him incredible happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 Carrot! Happy for you! Ok, just keep doing whatever it is youre doing. Dont sleep with him or anything though will you. Link to post Share on other sites
trulysomething Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 This is kinda what happened when my ex took me out on a date! (Insane I know!!) We cuddled together like old times..but we're friends now (as he wants it)..but for me, I need to break that pattern and get into no contact so I can move ahead. That is the toughest part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 19, 2007 Author Share Posted October 19, 2007 Carrot is an honest Carrot. There was truly no romance. Well, none on my part. I'm not expecting sleeping together or sex. He could have stayed and he went home to sleep on his own. Funny? I don't feel badly about that at all. Not at all. Link to post Share on other sites
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