Pentula77 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I've just invested a reasonable amount of time reading about guys being dumped / left / divorced / seperated etc from their girlfriends and I am consistently seeing a particular behavoir from women that concerns me... Why do girls need to "check in" after they have broken up with a guy...this seems to happen in direct proportion to how well the guy recovers and moves on... It's almost as if the girls are just making sure the guy still wants them. As soon as the guy starts showing some tough love though back she comes one more time just to make sure ! for e.g Her: hey what's up Him: busy Her: you know I've been thinking about you today, maybe we should get together some time for a chat Him: sorry busy Her: (2 days later) you wont believe this, but today all these feelings I used to have for you just came out of nowhere, it was amazing and I started to cry and remember how good it was between us...lets catch up for lunch on Wed Him: sorry busy then but how about Tuesday Her: Great ! Tuesday comes around: Her: look I'm really sorry something has come up, I have to take my cat to the vet, so I'm going to have to cancel...but maybe next week. And the cycle continues...some guys spend years in it even a lifetime. Guys, get tough or they'll walk all over you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Women ONLY contact men they've dumped out of guilt. They'd usually rather get a root canal than see them again. But they make these approaches just to handle their guilt...and don't really want to have a meeting at all. And they most probably aren't taking their cat to the vet when they cancel...they're off seeing some new guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Blurple Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I agree!! this has happed to me. however they usually see how well i am doing and then get jealous because of the new girls I have been already talking too.. Then you are just real estate and the value on your property has just gone up... These are just one of the rules I wish i knew when i was 16 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pentula77 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 I think the key for a guy is make sure she's a keeper before you give the house away... Link to post Share on other sites
Blurple Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Or never show weakness... In the last three months my attitude has changed towards relationships... you dont realize it but you let them walk on you.. the even more messed up part is i dont think they realize they are doing it either Link to post Share on other sites
squeak Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 The more a guy has shown he has moved on, the more the girl may reconsider. Or at least substantially more if another has seem to have taken her "place". But when she feels the "oh, everything is okay, I think I can get him back" syndrome, she does not care that much anymore. In either case, not much will be accomplished, but at least in the former you know you will have alarmed her not made it very easy for her. Your values will rise, if you show you have made the decision to turn your back. Most women will flip out, even if they made the initial decision. Even if a woman considers you a platonic friend, she still needs affirmation she can have you at her beck and call. In effect, take your power back. Don't try to show how much you miss her if she broke up with you, seize the reins and put on a good front of disconnecting her, even being interested in other more *substantial* women. At the very least, she will think about you in a more urgent way than if you let her know she can't keep you on her handy little string. Women are born weak, they need affirmation from the opposite sex, remember that-exploit it-but don't play into it. Don't expect her to come running back, but at least it is better than the alternative . Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 This behavior is not gender specific though. Guys do it too, to keep tabs on the girl for the same reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
alwayshurt Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 so Pentula, according to your theory, when an ex approaches you and asks you to see you or express her (fake) feelings because she feels like being rejected you always have to say you're busy because the moment you give in she is the one rejecting you. I see the point. But then, if you really have feelings for this person thus you're playing the hard to get, when is the right time or the right approach to actually take action towards her? Or are you trying to say that what is gone is gone and therefore it is better to maintain this attitude to save your dignity? Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I contacted my ex and cried, etc out of sheer guilt and regret (over how I treated him near the end). It had NOTHING to do with wanting to get back with him. Him moving on did not threaten my sense of self (nor did it bruise my ego). I missed my friend and wanted to make sure he was OK. I can't speak for the other women...but for me, it was important to let him know that I was feeling bad about how it ended...and that I'm not the witch that he thought I was near the end. Link to post Share on other sites
alwayshurt Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I contacted my ex and cried, etc out of sheer guilt and regret (over how I treated him near the end). It had NOTHING to do with wanting to get back with him. Him moving on did not threaten my sense of self (nor did it bruise my ego). I missed my friend and wanted to make sure he was OK. I can't speak for the other women...but for me, it was important to let him know that I was feeling bad about how it ended...and that I'm not the witch that he thought I was near the end. Ok. But you did not say (I hope) that you loved him. The case here is different: your ex calls you and says she still loves you and wants to go back with you. Apparently, and I agree, you need not to give in because by doing so you show weakness and that eliminates attraction. But at a certain point, if you really love that person, you have to do something to get back to her without being considered a doormat. I believe that it takes a lot of love from both sides to reconstruct a broken relationship and make it work. It is very rare to happen, at least it has never happened to me, in both directions. Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Ok. But you did not say (I hope) that you loved him. The case here is different: your ex calls you and says she still loves you and wants to go back with you. Apparently, and I agree, you need not to give in because by doing so you show weakness and that eliminates attraction. But at a certain point, if you really love that person, you have to do something to get back to her without being considered a doormat. I believe that it takes a lot of love from both sides to reconstruct a broken relationship and make it work. It is very rare to happen, at least it has never happened to me, in both directions. I was throwing my experience out there to show the OP that not all ex gfs call back to fu@k with a guy's head. Some of us actually care. Link to post Share on other sites
alwayshurt Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 I was throwing my experience out there to show the OP that not all ex gfs call back to fu@k with a guy's head. Some of us actually care. Dear Ocean, I see your point. You made the call to make him feel better. A guy who has moved on (because he had to, or because he's facking it to you) deep down may still have strong feelings for his ex, and a phone call like yours reopens the wounds he was trying to heal. I can tell you this because of personal experience. If you have decided to break up with somebody because you no longer have romantic feelings the best thing to do is just disappear and give him the space and time to heal. I can understand your action if several months/years have passed by since the break up. But at that point you wouldn't be so emotional to start crying because you hurt him. Link to post Share on other sites
Blurple Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 The more a guy has shown he has moved on, the more the girl may reconsider. Or at least substantially more if another has seem to have taken her "place". But when she feels the "oh, everything is okay, I think I can get him back" syndrome, she does not care that much anymore. In either case, not much will be accomplished, but at least in the former you know you will have alarmed her not made it very easy for her. Your values will rise, if you show you have made the decision to turn your back. Most women will flip out, even if they made the initial decision. Even if a woman considers you a platonic friend, she still needs affirmation she can have you at her beck and call. In effect, take your power back. Don't try to show how much you miss her if she broke up with you, seize the reins and put on a good front of disconnecting her, even being interested in other more *substantial* women. At the very least, she will think about you in a more urgent way than if you let her know she can't keep you on her handy little string. Women are born weak, they need affirmation from the opposite sex, remember that-exploit it-but don't play into it. Don't expect her to come running back, but at least it is better than the alternative . Sneak if you mind could you post this quote of yours under the thread I need her back? I dont think any one could have said it better.. Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 Dear Ocean, I see your point. You made the call to make him feel better. A guy who has moved on (because he had to, or because he's facking it to you) deep down may still have strong feelings for his ex, and a phone call like yours reopens the wounds he was trying to heal. I can tell you this because of personal experience. If you have decided to break up with somebody because you no longer have romantic feelings the best thing to do is just disappear and give him the space and time to heal. I can understand your action if several months/years have passed by since the break up. But at that point you wouldn't be so emotional to start crying because you hurt him. Yeah, in retrospect I regret a lot of things...especially the way I handled the break up. I was very unfair and in some ways evil. I shouldn't have called him to see how he was doing. I should have left him alone. He and I no longer talk. It's been months. He's moved on (as have I). And both of us are seemingly happy. It's just sad these things end the way they do. If I had it my way, I'd want to be his friend. But he wanted nothing to do with me a few months after our break up. He didn't think it was fair to his new gf to have me in his life. I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 I've just invested a reasonable amount of time reading about guys being dumped / left / divorced / seperated etc from their girlfriends and I am consistently seeing a particular behavoir from women that concerns me... Why do girls need to "check in" after they have broken up with a guy...this seems to happen in direct proportion to how well the guy recovers and moves on... It's almost as if the girls are just making sure the guy still wants them. As soon as the guy starts showing some tough love though back she comes one more time just to make sure ! for e.g Her: hey what's up Him: busy Her: you know I've been thinking about you today, maybe we should get together some time for a chat Him: sorry busy Her: (2 days later) you wont believe this, but today all these feelings I used to have for you just came out of nowhere, it was amazing and I started to cry and remember how good it was between us...lets catch up for lunch on Wed Him: sorry busy then but how about Tuesday Her: Great ! Tuesday comes around: Her: look I'm really sorry something has come up, I have to take my cat to the vet, so I'm going to have to cancel...but maybe next week. And the cycle continues...some guys spend years in it even a lifetime. Guys, get tough or they'll walk all over you. Happens more often with men checking in than women. Men tend to make irrational decisions when breaking off a relationship (doing it without thinking it through). When women walk, for the most part, they've checked out of the relationship long before they actually call it off. And ANYONE, regardless of their sex, checks in afterwards to feed their own ego, to make sure you're still on a string for them, to relieve personal guilt or to make sure if they have a physical or emotional need they want met - you will be ready/willing/able to do so. It's completely and utterly selfish on all levels. Link to post Share on other sites
Newtotheblogthing Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 Squeak- It's frightening how accurate your post was... I am that gf who initially did the breaking up. Now he is moving on.. and I did freak out! Still am. We stay in touch and he still wants to sleep with me, send photos, talk etc.. but he insists he has a new gf who lives next door. Now what would you suggest as the male.. what would you do in my situation. Sadly, I didn't realize the extent of my feelings... then he turned the tables. I have another post and people have replied but men... I was asking why he still wants to sleep with me and keep me around if he's so happy with his new gf? Honestly, as a female, when I did the initial breaking up, I thought we weren't good for each other but I stayed in touch, called him.. and wouldn't let go. I didn't realize I was so ambivalent. I also selfishly didn't want him to move on. Sad but true. I was still in love with him but wasn't sure if we were "right" for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 Squeak- It's frightening how accurate your post was... I am that gf who initially did the breaking up. Now he is moving on.. and I did freak out! Still am. We stay in touch and he still wants to sleep with me, send photos, talk etc.. but he insists he has a new gf who lives next door. Now what would you suggest as the male.. what would you do in my situation. Sadly, I didn't realize the extent of my feelings... then he turned the tables. I have another post and people have replied but men... I was asking why he still wants to sleep with me and keep me around if he's so happy with his new gf? Honestly, as a female, when I did the initial breaking up, I thought we weren't good for each other but I stayed in touch, called him.. and wouldn't let go. I didn't realize I was so ambivalent. I also selfishly didn't want him to move on. Sad but true. I was still in love with him but wasn't sure if we were "right" for each other. Perhaps you didn't communicate effectively before you broke things off. The fact he wants to sleep with you YET he has a girlfriend is a huge red flag. Doesn't that bother you in the slightest bit? Perhaps your feelings were correct the first time. Something doesn't add up here. Link to post Share on other sites
Newtotheblogthing Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 Caliguy.. I didn't communicate things properly at all. I knew I still loved him but wasn't sure I could be with him. We had both done serious damage to the relationship (however no cheating). I didn't want to let him go and I guess he in someway is either getting back at me now or he is in the same boat. I mean, he is telling me he has a gf, that he is not breaking up with her, that he is moving on but I also know he is still keeping me around. He admitted bitterly at one point, burn me once shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me.. He wants to have his cake and eat it too? We haven't slept together in a week or two. He has cheated on his new gf 3 times with me.. And I have stated before he is NOT normally a cheater so it leads me to WANT to believe he still cares about me. I am already scared of your response. It's demeaning to myself and I am LETTING him do whatever he wants. I use all of his contact, requests and sex to hang on.. NOT HEALTHY. Link to post Share on other sites
Newtotheblogthing Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 P.S Don't mean to hijack the thread. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 Caliguy.. I didn't communicate things properly at all. I knew I still loved him but wasn't sure I could be with him. We had both done serious damage to the relationship (however no cheating). I didn't want to let him go and I guess he in someway is either getting back at me now or he is in the same boat. I mean, he is telling me he has a gf, that he is not breaking up with her, that he is moving on but I also know he is still keeping me around. He admitted bitterly at one point, burn me once shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me.. He wants to have his cake and eat it too? We haven't slept together in a week or two. He has cheated on his new gf 3 times with me.. And I have stated before he is NOT normally a cheater so it leads me to WANT to believe he still cares about me. I am already scared of your response. It's demeaning to myself and I am LETTING him do whatever he wants. I use all of his contact, requests and sex to hang on.. NOT HEALTHY. Nope, not healthy for you and if I had to guess, he's getting back at you. On top of that, he's really treating his current girlfriend like utter crap. He's not healthy enough to have a good relationship based on his actions. Let me ask you, do you NOT respect yourself enough to say "This is complete BS???" I think you know the answer to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Newtotheblogthing Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 Honestly, I guess not.This I believe is byproduct of this relationship. I have been having this I can't live without out him type reaction. Codendent beyond belief.. I am trying. I made it 6 days without NC. I wish I felt whole on my own. I used to.. 3 years ago. Before I became involved with him... Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 Honestly, I guess not.This I believe is byproduct of this relationship. I have been having this I can't live without out him type reaction. Codendent beyond belief.. I am trying. I made it 6 days without NC. I wish I felt whole on my own. I used to.. 3 years ago. Before I became involved with him... You need to rediscover yourself. You've lost your sense of self...you seem to be identifying yourself through this past relationship. It ain't healthy (as I'm sure you already know). He's a total loser for cheating on his gf like that. What's worse, he's feeding on your need for him. Remember, you broke up with this guy first. Remember the reasons...and keep reminding yourself. He's an ex for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
alwayshurt Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 Ocean is right. I guess you're going after him because he has moved on and you cannot accept that. I am sure that if he showed you some romantic affection you will walk away. Just think of the reason you broke up with him. Right now you're obsest, it's only in your head and you are getting trapped in his game. Link to post Share on other sites
Newtotheblogthing Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 I went so far as to have my tarot cards read yesterday... Stubborn and need kept coming up. She asked me if I thought i needed him. I said yes. As long as I continue to do the things I am, the cycle will continue. Misery.. Anyway, I bought a few books yesterday.. Pema Chodron..American buddhist nun. When Things Fall Apart. I am trying to be kind to myself, to have some faith... of course I started this amazing transformation after I sent a sad text about not being his little back up plan or toy anymore. But it's ok. I am not going to beat myself up anymore. Life is what it is. I can accept how I am feeling, I can try to grow from it. I can be angry, I can be sad, I can be anything.. I accept my feelings and move on.. My sense of self.. like you said.. needs a lot of work!! thanks for all of the replies. He is NOT the answer. I am. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 look I'm really sorry something has come up, I have to take my cat to the vet, so I'm going to have to cancel...but maybe next week. And the cycle continues...some guys spend years in it even a lifetime. Guys, get tough or they'll walk all over you. Either get tough or don't date a woman that has a cat. Link to post Share on other sites
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