Any guy posting here; read this...

[CaliGuy]

Honestly, I guess not.This I believe is byproduct of this relationship. I have been having this I can't live without out him type reaction. Codendent beyond belief.. I am trying. I made it 6 days without NC. I wish I felt whole on my own. I used to.. 3 years ago. Before I became involved with him...

 

Defintely co-dependent behavior. Have you thought about seeing a Counselor?

[Newtotheblogthing]

Caliguy.. Yes, i go biweekly. We're working on it.. I've got my book on that too.. It's tough changing the thinking and behaviors..

[sedgwick]

Well, let's see. My ex-husband and I took several months of from speaking to each other when we split up, because we couldn't be in the same room without fighting about stupid stuff. But we genuinely love each other as people, even if we didn't work out as a couple. After a few months had passed, I called him, and we've been best friends now for 7 years. He is my favorite person on the planet, although we had legitimate problems as a couple that led me to initiate a divorce. I'm on vacation right now, and in a week he's coming to meet me so we can go to Day of the Dead together, and I can't wait until he gets here! We tell each other often, "You're the best friend I've ever had." We've worked very hard to be this way, and I treasure knowing him. He is an amazing person.

 

About 2 years ago I broke up with a long-distance bf -- we both have jobs and lives and friends and homes we love in our respective cities, and though we loved each other too, neither of us was willing to give that up to be together. I was very sad when I ended it, and cried when I found out a few months later that he was seeing someone else. About 6 months after we broke up, I wrote him a long email explaining that I thought he was an amazing person and I would hate not to have him as a friend. We still chat at least every other week, and last night we had a great conversation. Why do I call him? Because I care about him and I think he's a great guy, or I wouldn't have been with him in the first place.

 

So please don't generalize! That's like my saying that all men are afraid of commitment (at least all the ones I've dated in the recent past!!)

[alwayshurt]

Well, let's see. My ex-husband and I took several months of from speaking to each other when we split up, because we couldn't be in the same room without fighting about stupid stuff. But we genuinely love each other as people, even if we didn't work out as a couple. After a few months had passed, I called him, and we've been best friends now for 7 years. He is my favorite person on the planet, although we had legitimate problems as a couple that led me to initiate a divorce. I'm on vacation right now, and in a week he's coming to meet me so we can go to Day of the Dead together, and I can't wait until he gets here! We tell each other often, "You're the best friend I've ever had." We've worked very hard to be this way, and I treasure knowing him. He is an amazing person.

 

About 2 years ago I broke up with a long-distance bf -- we both have jobs and lives and friends and homes we love in our respective cities, and though we loved each other too, neither of us was willing to give that up to be together. I was very sad when I ended it, and cried when I found out a few months later that he was seeing someone else. About 6 months after we broke up, I wrote him a long email explaining that I thought he was an amazing person and I would hate not to have him as a friend. We still chat at least every other week, and last night we had a great conversation. Why do I call him? Because I care about him and I think he's a great guy, or I wouldn't have been with him in the first place.

 

So please don't generalize! That's like my saying that all men are afraid of commitment (at least all the ones I've dated in the recent past!!)

 

 

It is great that you are able to be friends with your exs. Nothing is wrong with that.

My opinion is that if you know the other person still has feeling for you then you should stay away. It is not fair and selfish to jump in somebody's else life just because you need him/her to be friend when you know the other has different feelings. Friendship cannot exist if other feelings are involved, either hate or love (romantic love). You've been lucky that the people you broke up with have moved on too so they can be your friend. But you must realize that this situation not always applies and you need to be very careful with this type of approach as playing with people feelings is the most horrible thing.

[Pentula77]

Sedgwick, many times if a woman breaks up with the man or LJBF's him the guy still has false hope and thinks geez I'll foster the friendship and you never know. Problem is he never gets to know. The girl is in a win win situation as she gets all the attention she used to have but doesn't have to meet any of the mans real needs.

 

I think it's fine to be friends as long as the person who is on the receiving end of the breakup has moved on.

 

Question...have the two ex's you've mentioned moved on and entered into new relationships ?

[Pentula77]

This is an example of exactly what I was trying to convey in the OP. This guy has the option to move forward with the new girl or let his ex stuff things up....note his ex declined his offer for dinner but once she found out he was dating someone back she comes...kitycats compete, use it to ur advantage fellas but always to move forward;

 

Him: (to new girl) "sweety can you give me some advice on how to get rid of the ex, she keeps calling and asking me out for dinner. She's just not accepting that I'm dating again"

 

My ex and I work together. We had our ups (her telling me she misses me and wish we could have what we used to have) and downs (a couple of fights and short NC periods).

 

I often offered that maintaining NC would be better for both of us but she insists she wants us to keep talking. Communication has always been the better part of our relationship and that part hasn't changed. We still have lots to talk about with no weird moments at all. Every now and then she refers to places we've been to and things we've done together, always in a positive way.

 

It's tough to maintain full NC because we work together. However we had periods where contact was limited to work-related stuff and I thought that went pretty well. When I asked her why she insists so much in staying friends with me while it is obviously helping neither of us, she said she needed time by herself to heal her wounds but also... Then she stopped her sentence.

 

I invited her out for dinner and theatre a few weeks ago but she decined, saying she would enjoy spending time with me but thought it wasn't a great idea. She didn't want to "ruin what we had".

 

She eventually found out I was dating someone else. We agreed we'd like to maintain contact although it would complicate things quite a bit. Next thing you know, we're going out for dinner in a couple of weeks. I'm taking her to a fancy steakhouse we used to go to when we dated.

 

She broke up with me a few months ago because of some turmoil in her life. While she still isn't ready for a relationship, her issues are slowly clearing up.

 

Am I becoming her friend or is she trying to feel things out for us to date again?

[Woggle]

Many women get off on taking a man's heart and crushing it and it is a blow to their ego when they find out they no longer have his heart at all anymore. My ex wanted the divorce but soon after it was official she did an about face and wanted me back after seeing how successful I was. She wasn't able to see the big picture while we were married but when the picture finally developed after the divorce she wanted back in. When she found out I was getting remarried she really went nuts. Conventional logic says that men are supposed to be crushed by a split so when they aren't it throws women for a loop. Women tend to like a challenge and when a man moves on completely it is a new challenge to them.

[CaliGuy]

Many women get off on taking a man's heart and crushing it and it is a blow to their ego when they find out they no longer have his heart at all anymore. My ex wanted the divorce but soon after it was official she did an about face and wanted me back after seeing how successful I was. She wasn't able to see the big picture while we were married but when the picture finally developed after the divorce she wanted back in. When she found out I was getting remarried she really went nuts. Conventional logic says that men are supposed to be crushed by a split so when they aren't it throws women for a loop. Women tend to like a challenge and when a man moves on completely it is a new challenge to them.

 

It works both ways.

 

We want what we can not have and do not want what we can. It's simply a matter of something being unattainable that in and of itself is attractive.

 

That's why playing hard to get while lightly flirting works wonders.

[Darkzen]

Good times the last time I spoke to my ex a couple weeks ago. I told her I didn't want her back and that I've already started going out with a few girls. She sounded so pitiful when she said "that's great" (a nice long pause followed by a very meek and unsure sounding voice). This was even after I called her job to report her and took away any chance for her to get back a large investment. She didn't try and get back with me, but I know I gave her ego a shot, when I told her I moved on and already started dating (already been on dates with two girls and got a few more girls lined up).

 

She made her choice, now she can deal with the consequences. The funny part is, I'd have taken her back at first... now I realize that she was the problem and that I haven't felt this good about myself in a long long time. Now I don't want her ass and truly feel sorry for the next guy she abuses. I really see her ending up alone, once her looks are completely gone, owning about 10 cats.

[Pentula77]

Here you go people it even happens to celebrities...should he take her back ? No.

 

"KATE Hudson is reportedly trying to rekindle her romance with ex-boyfriend Owen Wilson after splitting from Dax Shepard.

The Almost Famous actress is said to be desperate to woo back Owen - who was taken to hospital in August after a failed suicide bid - after realising she still loves him.

A source said: "It was working out between her and Dax but it's a clean break.

"After Owen's suicide attempt, she realised how much she loved him, and broke up with Dax."

Kate - who has a three-year-old son, Ryder, with ex-husband Chris Robinson - began dating Owen last year after meeting on the set of You, Me and Dupree.

However, they split in June following reports they clashed over his wild lifestyle.

Pals of Owen say he was devastated by the break-up and was heartbroken when he saw pictures of Kate and Employee of the Month star Dax canoodling while shopping.

Just days later, he was rushed to hospital when his actor brother Luke found him unconscious after slashing his wrists.

However, The Wedding Crashers actor has made a good recovery and earlier this month, he attended the Los Angeles premiere of his new film The Darjeeling Limited."

[Woggle]

Most women don't really love men. They just love the ego boost that they get from a man being in love with them and when that is love is there no matter how they treat him they lose interest. This is why women fall so hard for MM. What bigger ego boost is there than making an already commited man fall for you? The more unavailable a man is the more attractive he is to a woman because she needs to prove to herself that she is hot enough to make him fall for her.

[brothermartin]

So here's a question revisited: What if YOU were the one that pretty much ruined the relationship, and you still love the woman that left you. If she decides that she wants you back, REALLY wants you back because she still loves you and wants to try to work past the issues that screwed up your relationship in the first place, and you know in your heart that you still love her, would you just throw that chance away to protect your "dignity"?

[Woggle]

So here's a question revisited: What if YOU were the one that pretty much ruined the relationship, and you still love the woman that left you. If she decides that she wants you back, REALLY wants you back because she still loves you and wants to try to work past the issues that screwed up your relationship in the first place, and you know in your heart that you still love her, would you just throw that chance away to protect your "dignity"?

 

What do you mean by ruined? If I cheated or was clearly an ass I would take her back but if I was a good man that didn't magically read her ever changing moods at exactyly all the right times I would be glad to have her out of my life.