I feel so dumb

[Rainbow Gem]

I am probably going to rattle on.

 

I have been married for almost 15 years and almost every day I think about getting a divorce.

 

Yes, we have gone to marriage counselors. I have dragged him there and now I think I am done. I am tired of making all of the effort. I would go to a counselor by myself but now they are no longer seeing clients and I haven't found a new one yet.

 

I should back up. We got married a long time ago. His parents warned me that he wasn't financially responsible and I just thought it meant that he would occasionally bounce checks. It was more than that.

 

He would take money out of my purse, the kids' accounts and almost any where else that wasn't shut off from him. And it would be large sums of money and he never had an answer as to what happened and nothing to show for it. It wouldn't surprise me if he had a gambling problem. He would ignore bill collectors. And even getting him to drop off payment for bills was a headache. He wouldn't do it and we almost had our electricity cut off because of it. I used to have fairly good credit and now it sucks.

 

He lies and enjoys bs-ing me or anyone else just to see if they catch on. He doesn't do it as much now because I can always catch him in a lie.

 

I caught him listening in on my phone calls once and if I am somewhere else in the house for a long time he comes looking for me "just to see what I am doing."

 

He doesn't help around the house as much as I would like. I have to get the oil changed on the cars because he just won't do it and any other car maintence. We had a car's engine get ruined because of it and his response was that it was over 100,000 miles and not that great. I loved that car. It was stick and was so great.

 

We have huge trees in our backyard and I would rake every fall filling almost 60 yard bags. Even while I was very pregnant. I even dumped landscaping stone while he stood and watched. For him, weekends are not to do things around the house but to get out and do something fun. When I would go to work at night I would come home to find the house a mess and once every inch of my boys' room was just covered in toys. He said that he didn't know how it happened.

 

He loves to watch tv and nothing pisses him off more when the cable is disconnected. And when it was, he just sat on the couch and read. Didn't get up and do anything. And the last time we were at the counselor he complained that he was just a paycheck. I tell him practically every day what has gone on with the kids or have them tell him. I think he is the one that is acting like he is a guest in our home.

 

He has no patience and even now I have to wait until he is awake for awhile to talk to him. I have gotten on him about snapping at the kids and he went off on a neighbor kid that he didn't like. That kid's mother called and I made my husband apologize to her and the kid. I am tired of him snapping at me and have even started to talk down about him in front of the kids.

 

People ask me why I stayed and I really thought that he was going to grow up or that he wants to improve.

 

We also had health problems with our kids and I really couldn't deal with both the breakup of a marriage and health issues at the same time. So I chose to focus on the kids. And I really thought he loved me and I thought he just needed a chance.

 

We have had some really good times, but I think I am not making the same excuses I used to. I don't enjoy his company any more and if I don't talk then there is silence. And I have this idea that a spouse is suppose to support you and help make your life easier. We have had some really tough hurdles to get over and I really don't feel supported by him. I have done some work with my kids lately that someone noticed and I was telling him how good that felt and the next thing I know he is criticizing me for forgetting to pick something up for our son.

 

He also seems to go through periods of sabotaging things. He admitted that when things were going too good he would do things just to create problems. People have congratulated me for sticking it out, but I don't think of it as being a good thing any more.

 

His parents think he is a royal f***-up. My husband has also been very depressed, suicidal and has low self-esteem. And I do care for him but I am tired. I am tired of him not being able to get out of his funk. I think I also have been afraid of what he would do if I started a divorce.

 

I don't have a job right now, but I want to get one just so I can divorce him.

 

I don't know what I am doing any more. I am tired of always being responsible and picking up the pieces when things go wrong.

[Cobra_X30]

How old are your kids?

 

If they are old enough... maybe its time to leave him. At the very least, it will force him to see how serious you are about the situation!

 

If you want to use that time to give him a chance to change.... thats up to you!

[michaelk]

People ask me why I stayed and I really thought that he was going to grow up or that he wants to improve.

 

It's great that you've given him the benefit of the doubt and, as I understand it, given him opportunities (through counseling) to see the issues in your marriage and deal with them. But there is only so much you can do, after which it's up to him to decide whether he really wants to change or not. If he did, I imagine he would have after 15 years.

 

My husband has also been very depressed, suicidal and has low self-esteem.

Has he sought help specifically for these problems? It sounds like he needs to see a psychiatrist, or at least get some therapy. His distance, unwillingness to help, criticism, etc. all make sense in light of emotional issues like these.

 

And I do care for him but I am tired. I am tired of him not being able to get out of his funk. I think I also have been afraid of what he would do if I started a divorce.

Look, it's clear that you are profoundly unhappy. Not only is this a bad environment for you, it must be awful for your kids, too. If you've done what you can, and he's not willing or able to take positive action, you need to think about yourself and your children and get out of there. Life is too short to live it feeling the way you do.

 

And as for what he might or might not do if you start the divorce, you can't let that stand in your way. Whatever he may choose to do in reaction to the situation, it's not your fault. You cannot control the actions of others. As things unfold, just continue to do what you know is best.

[Rainbow Gem]

He has gotten some help, but only after I have pushed him -- A LOT. He actually did try to commit suicide and had to go see some people. I told him that he had to get therapy for at least 6 months. And he did. And when six months was up, he was done.

 

He is a very angry person at times I feel that I have to deflect his anger against the kids and that I need to make it up to them. He once hauled off and hit our older boy and I told him how afraid that made me. And he hasn't done it since.

 

It takes so much energy to put up with him and to try and get him to see someone that it is very draining. One of his counselors agrees with everything I have ever said about him.

 

It is just so disappointing to me to be in this place as I waited until my late 20s to marry and I thought I had chosen a good mate. I don't like having someone who is less mature than my kids and who I cannot trust.

 

And I don't think divorcing him will make me more happy. I know that I will be very sad and angry about it. And the thing that really irritates me about it is that I don't think we need to go down that road, but I need him to at least meet me halfway.

 

But then he comes home from work and tells me of a divorced coworker and what they are going through and how they take certain steps to screw over their former spouse. I feel like he is taking notes on how to do a divorce. Oh, I should say that he tells me that lots of people are surprised that he is still married.

[michaelk]

He has gotten some help, but only after I have pushed him -- A LOT. He actually did try to commit suicide and had to go see some people. I told him that he had to get therapy for at least 6 months. And he did. And when six months was up, he was done.

 

If he saw the value in tackling his problems, and sincerely wanted to change, he wouldn't walk away from therapy the first chance he gets. This shows a lack of commitment.

 

It is just so disappointing to me to be in this place as I waited until my late 20s to marry and I thought I had chosen a good mate. I don't like having someone who is less mature than my kids and who I cannot trust.

 

And I don't think divorcing him will make me more happy. I know that I will be very sad and angry about it. And the thing that really irritates me about it is that I don't think we need to go down that road, but I need him to at least meet me halfway.

You admit that you made a wrong choice in your mate, yet you seem to be doing everything you can to avoid facing this fact. You say you "don't think we need to go down that road" (divorce), but it's obvious that he will not "meet you halfway". It doesn't sound like he's willing to take any actions improve things, so there's no point in playing the "if only he'd change" game with yourself.

 

And while you're certainly right that you'll feel sad and angry if you divorce, at least that has an end. The unhappiness and despair you feel now will not end as long as you stay in an unhealthy relationship that shows no signs of improvement.

 

MK

[Rainbow Gem]

Yes, I have been working on this relationship a long time. And I admit I have been doing this dance of "yes, it seems to be working" and then "no, it is definitely not."

 

I have to say that I have wobbled on this because of a lot of things.

 

My in-laws are horrid and my FIL made inappropriate comments about my daughter when she was a baby and I was terrified that he would get to spend more time with her if we were divorced. My husband sees nothing wrong with what his dad said and has always defended him no matter how crude or lewd he could be.

 

I also had a son who was hospitalized every other month for health problems. I could barely deal with his situation let alone start divorce proceedings.

 

My husband would act good for months at a time and then -- wham. He would take money or put out online personal ads. We'd fight, talk about what it would take to put it all back on track and they away we would go.

 

And everyone I talked to would say how great it was that we managed to stay through cancer, chronic illnesses and other major health issues, and emotional problems.

 

I think it is just now that I am seeing that for all that we have gone through he has not taken the big steps. I think he has taken just enough little steps to make me happy and believe that all is okay.

 

And it wasn't until this one therapist I saw over the summer that he actually said he could see I was moving away from my husband. He said that he could see a lot opening up for me and that my husband was not moving along with me. My previous one just told me to do all that I could to encourage and support my husband because he had such low self-esteem and was depressed.

 

And she is now a disgraced therapist who lost her license and is facing charges.

 

So, that is what it comes down to. I wanted to believe that he wanted more, but he just wants it to be the same.

 

And I cannot stand it any more. I don't want to spend time with him. I need to find a job to help support myself and get away.