MattyTee Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I don't want to ramble on and post my story here but the summary is: 8 year relationship, engaged for 2 years. It was a LDR but we had spent about 3 of those years living together. She is now back home and broke up with me around 2 months ago. For the first 6 weeks or so I kept light, friendly contact with her by email but it was driving me nuts because I still wanted more. I know for my sanity that NC is the best thing ... but as I'm posting in second chances, I'm wondering what people feel is the best approach seeing as it was a LDR - perhaps just keep the light friendly contact up? Thank you in advance Matt Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 this is a difficult one because there is no solution that suits everyone. maybe a different approach would help: why did she break up with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted October 13, 2007 Author Share Posted October 13, 2007 Hi Birdie, Thanks for responding. I can only go on what she said. I think the biggest thing for her was she felt I was controlling. This is based on issues of insecurity and low self-esteem on my part. She said that at some point she had stopped trusting me emotionally. Overall our biggest problem was communication - and not knowing how to do it properly. I have recognised fully that there were aspects of the break-up that were due to me. I started therapy the week after the break-up and have been going ever since. I very much want to make things work - but realise it may well just be too late. I don't know if you've read any of my other posts but she has already made it clear that she's looking for another relationship (not long after the break-up). She also mentioned that if things changed perhaps we could work it out. Her sister, who I've been talking with over the past few weeks says that she's very confused, still hurt and angry and that she just needs space. Her original idea was to keep very light, friendly contact - but it was hard for me to do. Sorry, probably not giving much info here - at work and mind is wandering Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 yeah it is pretty general stuff but understand why. don't think it's much fun to share personal stuff on the internet either, seen some of your other posts though I don't know if you will get much advice here though because most people are reluctant to be too specific in case they get it wrong. Maybe you should use this time to figure out why the two of you had communication issues and why you felt you had to control her. understand what you said about your self-esteem but it is possible that she just isn't the right sort of person to make you feel re-assured. break-ups are not down to one person, it takes two. don't know exactly what went wrong but it wasn't 100% your fault I'd imagine in the meantime, try to follow your gut-feeling regarding contact. if it's not in the way you'd like it and it hurts too much, maybe you should go NC Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted October 13, 2007 Author Share Posted October 13, 2007 Thanks again Birdie, Well I think you are right about posting too personally. It's also difficult because there is so much information that after a long post like that very few people would read it I am more than happy to go into it - if you feel you are interested, but I'll wait for you to actually ask I agree that it takes two to break-up. I have been able to move a little from how I felt originally - i.e. it was obviously all my fault and I wasn't worthy of her - and can now see that there were problems on both sides. The control - after talking with a therapist this is what it seems: when I was little my mother broke things off with my father for another man. I was only 5 / 6 and went through a lot of hurt. I couldn't control anything that was happening around me and so later in life I had this desperate need to try and control my relationship - to make sure that she didn't run off and abandon me (hurt me). Ironically that will have pushed her away. I believe our early experiences of communication between our parents set us up for our relationship communication later on. My experience was a lot of shouting, anger, hatred and tears. I would hear things like "I don't love you and I never did" from my mother and she would hurl plates and teapots at him... So, now I'm working on learning to communicate openly and lovingly. The irony of the whole situation is that it was always going to take something this big (a break up) for me to realise how I was being / how that made her feel. Oh well - tough day today. At work and keep crying. Can't help hoping she'll call me one day. Would be great if it did work out ... Thanks for listening Birdie Link to post Share on other sites
birdie Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 no worries. I come from a similar family situation and it used to make me react two ways to upsetting situations: I either walk away from them completely (without giving someone a chance) or end up losing my temper (although that's less and less because I'm conscious of it). now I'm learning to take a deep breath and evaluate the situation rationally first. well, sometimes it does take a kick-up the backside to learn things that's for sure. unfortunately there isn't much you can do about that. there is also the point that she should be able to tell you stuff without breaking up with you. maybe that's her weakness. unfortunately I have to go soon, as you are probably aware it's England - France this evening and I have reporting responsibilities to those that can't watch the game Link to post Share on other sites
Author MattyTee Posted October 13, 2007 Author Share Posted October 13, 2007 Haha, No problem, thanks for posting again. Enjoy the game! I'm going to try and watch as much as possible on the net while at work Link to post Share on other sites
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