Cobra_X30 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 So, here is the deal. I have a cousin who is in his last year of college. We are fairly close, like brothers. Last night I had a blow up with his girlfriend, and I'm not exactly sure how to proceed with the situation. Background. My cousin is overweight and extremely nerdy! He has an absolute heart of gold, and will give you the shirt off his back if you asked. His last girlfriend cheated on him with 11 different guys during the course of thier 4 year relationship... He didnt take that very well. He put on about 40-60 lbs at the end of that relationship. His current girlfriend is a little chubby, but very cute. She is in a sorority, and is a definite "taker" personality. Honestly, I cant stand this girl, but my cousin loves her... so up till now I've just kinda dealt with it. Example: When he first moved over to attend college my father and I purchased him a laptop for school. He was going to sell the laptop to his little brother since he is now starting college as well. Turns out his GF requested the laptop instead, and he gave it to her! Honestly, its his laptop and he can do whatever he wants with it... but I dont know why his GF would want his computer for free when she knew his brother was going to buy it from him. So, to the fight. Yesterday I was out with a couple friends at a bar near the university. I'd been there for about an hour when I thought I saw my cousins GF sitting at a table with some guy. Odd, coincidence, but it turns out that it was her. The two seemed a little chummy so I txt'd my cousin "Where is your GF?", and of course he responds with "why?". I took a picture of the two and sent it to him. He comes back with "oh, thats just a good friend of hers". So, I'm thinking... Ok, all cool then, and I continue drinking and having a good time! About 20 minutes later I look over and these to are holding hands across the table. Odd. Then he gets up, leans over and gives her a kiss and heads to the bathroom. I was shocked, and really, really mad! But, I put myself in check for a minute and just waited. Now at this point... I'm not having fun anymore and my friends are starting to notice that I keep looking over at this other table. Finally, my blood is boiling to a point where I just have to do something. So, I excused myself and walked over to her table. She recognized me straight away and went pale white! I just said "I saw that... I think your trash. You hurt my cousin, I will hurt you!" The guy looks confused and shocked. I went back apologized to my friends and left. Texted my cousin what happened. I get into work this morning... and my cousin has sent me an email requesting that I apologize to his GF. If I see this girl again... I'm going to punch her in the face... I dont think I can apologize. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Poboy Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 rude of you to go over to the table and tell her you're trash & i will hurt you. you could have informed your cousin what all went on and not get involved personally. its an issue your cousin needs to resolve if he thinks it is one. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Wow Cobra. First, good for you for sticking up for your cousin whether or not he gets it (he will come around). Tell your cousin "Bro's before Hoe's" and there is no way you will apologize to HER. Maybe tell him you are sorry for what happened to him but that you did the right thing in confronting her. I can't be of more help, but you did the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Punching her in the face would not be very smart. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Who cares about her feelings. Obvisously she is selfish and does not care about other people's feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Wow Cobra. First, good for you for sticking up for your cousin whether or not he gets it (he will come around). Tell your cousin "Bro's before Hoe's" and there is no way you will apologize to HER. Maybe tell him you are sorry for what happened to him but that you did the right thing in confronting her. I can't be of more help, but you did the right thing. Shoot, I'm not sure what to do! I dont think I can apologize... well not without bieng totally fake. The guy just has such poor taste in girls that it's sick! Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Sticking up for your cousin is great, however there are in (some families) unwritten laws and lines that don't get crossed. Something like this just happened in my family recently. My son's girlfriend got into it with my daughter ---caused so much bad feeling that hasn't been resolved. So of course we dislike my son's girlfriend and see her as a trouble making *itch which makes it really hard for my son. She obviously didn't get the memo about family laws. It is really hard to watch someone that you care about get screwed over. But, who knows what she told your cousin? You know the saying "a best defense is a good offense?" He is probably in love with her and of course will take her side as a good boyfriend should. So now you are stuck...either apologize or have a problem with your cousin--which will only fuel the fire. I would suggest in the future that you tell him directly of your concerns instead of confronting his girlfriend. Good luck! I am avoiding my son's girlfriend like the plague right now, but I know that it will blow over with time. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I can't tell you how many times someone in my family is not talking to someone else. I went 18 months with out speaking to my mom or sisters because I tried to do the right thing (I yelled at my eldest sister for being a bad mother) and well they just wanted to ignore the issues and do nothing. But I stood my ground, now when someone is mad at the other I tell them to keep me out of it. If it was something important though like taking care of a family member from getting hurt (other then pety issues like they normally are) I would do it all over again even if it meant being hurt again. Your cousin is an adult and he needs to be able to make decisions for himself, but those decisions should be made based on facts. Maybe talk to him and if he knows what his GF has been up and choses to ignore it well then you will have to suck it up and go with the flow. And if he gets hurt again, just be there so he knows you care unconditionally, you care about him despite the mistakes he makes. Even when I was not talking to my family I still cared and loves them and I will despite there mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Cobra. Many years ago I was put in a situation where I had to tell my brother that his wife left the bar with another man while he was away in the Gulf War. I can totally appreciate the spirit of what you did, and I wish I had done something at the time too, but being only a young teenager I'm not too hard on myself. Anyway, in my opinion, you shouldn't feel overly obligated to apologize. Yes, the way you did it and what you said was not... well thought out. However, you did what you thought was right and you did it for your cousin. Simply tell him that while you appreciate his request, it's not something you have a desire to do. Apologize to him for what you said, but tell him that you have no desire to have any more unnecessary interaction with this girl. My opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 No apologies are necessary to his g/f. While your comment was a little over-the-top and could be viewed as a violent act, I'm strangely proud of you for standing up for your cousin. I would have a heart-to-heart with your cousin and lay it all out to him, kiss and all. If he can't understand that you have his best interests at heart, he will learn it on his own when she rips his heart out. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Kasan, yeah... those are my choices. If I dont apologize, my cousin will freak out on me! Especially since he thinks I threatened to kill is GF. I was intentionally vague. Red, I've had fights with my cousin about this girl before... I think this one is the last. I'm considering just cutting him out until he dumps her! NC with him may be a good solution towards that end! Krytie, You are very correct in this. I should apologize to him and only him! I'm sorry you had to see that go down with your brother! I had less self control in my teen years... I probably would have thrown a drink at her back then! TBF, Thanks! I will have a heart 2 heart with my cousin... I know already it wont get me anywhere. He is so desperate to be accepted and loved he will put up with anything. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 You were in the moment, so don't question what you said. Even in your "I want to punch her" comment you don't actually mean it, you were venting. When you said you wanted to hurt her, you meant "your relationship will end. You will lose a great guy." Make it happen. Have a heart to heart. Don't back down. Say "do you deserve for your gf to hold another guys hand and to kiss him on the lips? What possible justification is there for her to behave that way? Do healthy relationships have people acting like that?" Drive it into his head that UNHEALTHY relationships are like that. Be a broken record. Repeat. At the very least, hold her accountable for it. If he's not going to leave her, keep pushing him so at the very least she acknowledges it to him. Don't let him write it off. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Oh snap... I am proud of you for calling her out and sticking up for your cuz. The punch in the face thing I am hoping was just a vent. Don't do anything physical. Now, my blender technique might be called for here. However, your cuz should be the one to puree that if he so chooses. Too bad you could not get a pic of the kiss. Not that she couldn't explain that away too. I wonder where she wound up staying that night? Perhaps a talk with the man she was with could shed some light on things. You are also correct that no matter how much you try to help someone...see. Some will stay in whatever form of denial they want until there are no other options. That is sad because if he stood up for himself he might attract a better (non taker) type. As a bonus little Miss cheater might wake up a tiny bit (although this is doubtful). When you have your heart to heart. Ask your cousin if he would want to be informed of the truth in these matters? Would you want me to tell you if I knew your gf was cheating/lying to you? Let him know that you are just looking out for him out of love. You do not owe his gf an apology and I find it a little funny that she can manipulate your cousin into requiring it, instead of dealing with you directly. Telling to me. If he chooses to stay with her then you might have to let the issue go. His informed choice at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 You were in the moment, so don't question what you said. Even in your "I want to punch her" comment you don't actually mean it, you were venting. When you said you wanted to hurt her, you meant "your relationship will end. You will lose a great guy. Hmmm.... My cousin is the most stubborn guy alive. If I try to hammer it into his head that this chick is bad for him, it's just going to make him dig in his heels. Plus, he knows I've hated this girl since a christmas party of last year where she gave me her phone #, then kept saying we should hang out. No, Im just going to sound biased, like the little boy who cried wolf! OH, I'm not just venting here! If she comes anywhere near me shes toast! I'm going to put some serious thought into how I can make her life miserable! I dont have a ton of options... but I will find a weak spot somewhere! Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 Check this out! What you should do is apologize. Then tell him, Not that I did I dont want to deal with your fat ass grilfriend again. You may not see it but she's gonna treat you like garbage just like the last one did. And I'm not gonna be your sholder to cry on when it happens again! That'll wake him the F up!! This happened to a friend of mines when I told him his girl went through clothes and he didnt believe it! he got real mad at me but in the end he found out the truth and looked stupid! lol. Link to post Share on other sites
StaringContest Posted October 13, 2007 Share Posted October 13, 2007 Don't tell him you're not going to apologize to her until after you've explained what happened. You can be sure that she spun it so that she was completely innocent. Apologize to him for possibly over-stepping your bounds. Tell him what really happened and that you lost your cool when you saw her holding hands with him and kissing him. If he still asks you to apologize to her, tell him you're not going to, because while what you said might have been over the top, it was justified. Link to post Share on other sites
DarlingDoll Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 I would definitely make it clear that 'I will not apologize to a woman who is cheating on my cousin. If you want to accept that behavior, that is up to you.. but when it is in my presense, I will not tolerate it.' What I question is WHAT IS THIS GIRL getting out of this relationship with your cousin when she obviously is not interested in him sexually or relationship-wise? Let's see.. she gets a free laptop.. what ELSE has he given this tramp? Your cousin has very low self-esteem and is ok with being in DENIAL and continuing his DOORMAT stance because he IS very lonely and desperate.. it's a shame but if he keeps this attitude, he's looking for a VERY miserable future with USING women coming into his life and hurting him. He gets into relationships with women who are just using him. Maybe he should be learning how to select them better or go onto one of those internet dating things looking for another computer nerdy gal in which they both have a lot in common. He needs to hit the gym and build his self-worth, confidence, and positivity one bicep at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Well your reaction was a bit over the top, I never would have thought you would threaten anyone! But I can see why you did. It is obvious that your cousin has spoken to his gf about this, she has twisted it around to make you the bad guy and so of course he will take her side. Please don't consider cutting him out. This girl will most probably end up hurting him and having you around to help, rather then him being afraid of contacting you incase you say 'I told you so", will be far better. So I would suggest giving him what he wants, apologise to her. As long as he thinks you mean it, it doesn't matter you know it's fake. Be civil to her, don't make anymore trouble for him then necessary. Besides from that, you cannot control his relationship. He will eventually figure out what she is really like, and until then he will not consider anything ad about her. So, like I said, be civil, and hope to God she is just really friendly with that guy and is truly in love with your cousin. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Please don't consider cutting him out. I agree 100% with this part. Family is everything. What I disagree with, is that in my opinion, Cobra should stand up to his ideals. Enough with cheaters. He shouldn't need to lie, falsify his feelings or have to apologize, when he had the best interests of his cousin in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
angelj Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 I don't see the need for you to apologize to homegirl....the chubby one I do feel you should apologize to your cousin, as he is the one you were defending in the first place...the reason you threatened chicky poo...and also, the person whose relationship you slightly invaded. . . Family is important. It is very important to express your feelings, premonitions, concerns and understandings for each other. However it is also extremely important to respect each others feelings, beliefs and boundaries. I was in a similar scenario with my older brother and his girlfriend...I later realized I had to accept their relationship. Notice, I said accept, not agree with it. It is his life. I love him with all of my heart but I am not the one to say how he should live. If he is happy, then so be it. Happiness is what is most important and I would not like to see my brother unhappy...nor would you like to see your cuz. Sometimes it is hard to see in the box when you are on the outside...and vice versa. If she is a two timing wench, all the truths will come out in the end. They always do. Good luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 I agree 100% with this part. Family is everything. What I disagree with, is that in my opinion, Cobra should stand up to his ideals. Enough with cheaters. He shouldn't need to lie, falsify his feelings or have to apologize, when he had the best interests of his cousin in mind. I get what you are saying and I myself agree. But on the other hand, his cousin has shown he is not willing to listen, he will take only the word of his gf from now on. It will be the typical "you are just trying to get back at her for last time" if he confronts either the cousin or the gf in the future about her little "friendship". Unfortunately any chance of the cousin listening has gone out the window with cobra threatening the gf (not to mention can you imagine the spin she would have put on the story if she truly is that horrible?) Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Please don't consider cutting him out. This girl will most probably end up hurting him and having you around to help, rather then him being afraid of contacting you incase you say 'I told you so", will be far better. So I would suggest giving him what he wants, apologise to her. As long as he thinks you mean it, it doesn't matter you know it's fake. Be civil to her, don't make anymore trouble for him then necessary. Besides from that, you cannot control his relationship. He will eventually figure out what she is really like, and until then he will not consider anything ad about her. So, like I said, be civil, and hope to God she is just really friendly with that guy and is truly in love with your cousin. Yeah, this is probably the best advice! Honest, I wish I was a nice enough person to take this road. But, Im currently formulating a plan to burn this girl hard! Serious! The moment she and my cousin split... she's mine! Anything I can do to straight up make her life miserable... I will. Ive got a few basic ideas already. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 I get what you are saying and I myself agree. But on the other hand, his cousin has shown he is not willing to listen, he will take only the word of his gf from now on. It will be the typical "you are just trying to get back at her for last time" if he confronts either the cousin or the gf in the future about her little "friendship". Unfortunately any chance of the cousin listening has gone out the window with cobra threatening the gf (not to mention can you imagine the spin she would have put on the story if she truly is that horrible?) Cobra's out of this now. He's seen it, taken action and now it's up to the cousin and the g/f to handle it. I would just have a sit-down with the cousin, to clarify all the details, even the worst ones, down to the full graphic discussion about the kiss and any other inappropriate behaviours between supposed friends. Family owe each other their loyalty but don't owe each other their own personal code of honour, just to get along. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Yeah, this is probably the best advice! Honest, I wish I was a nice enough person to take this road. But, Im currently formulating a plan to burn this girl hard! Serious! The moment she and my cousin split... she's mine! Anything I can do to straight up make her life miserable... I will. Ive got a few basic ideas already. What if they don't split? Always a possibility Link to post Share on other sites
angelj Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 I respect you...and how you feel toward this girl!! And the respect you have for your cousin...just don't get caught. Get em!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts