Convinced I'll always be depressed

[oppath]

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember...since I was 10 or 12. I've been in therapy and on and off meds for 7 years. I've only had brief moments of feeling happy or even allright. It seems no matter what coping skills I've learned in therapy, I still feel this way. At the end of the day, I feel worthless, unlovable, hopeless, lonely. Sure, I could switch meds, switch therapists, but those things have never had any lasting influence.

 

And I know, I'm in a pretty good spot. I have a lot going for me. I'm well educated, athletic, attractive, funny, adventurous, kind and caring. I have a bright future. Yet I can't escape feeling that I am a worthless piece of ****. I've felt that way all my life. I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of the hesitation to get out of bed. I'm tired looking at people, and assuming I'm worse than them in some fundamental way.

 

I have no thoughts of hurting myself, but it just doesn't feel like I am LIVING. I've felt this way for 15 years now, since I was 12. I want to be happy, or at least just feel "allright."

 

I want to add that I do so many things to get out of this. I join clubs, I pursue my interests, I exercise. I try so hard to be happy. That is what frustrates me. I've been around MANY depressed people and I do everything right.

[coco_milkshake]

Oppath, have you considered getting professional help? Its amazing what talking to someone can do. It makes all the difference in the world, I am proof of that.

 

Dont ever think of hurting yourself. I went down that road and I have nothing but regrets. It felt good at the time but for those few moments of control and relief, I am now stuck with scars that will always be a permanent reminder.

 

Do you have any friends that you can talk to or even family?? This can be the starting point for you. If you find that a bit uncomfortable, then a counsellor is the right step for you.

 

No one worthless, not even you oppath. It took me a long time to start 'loving' myself again. You will get there, just hang tight.

 

If you need to talk, you can always p/m me. I understand.

[oppath]

No, you don't understand, I've been getting professional help. I do talk to my family and friends. I join sports leagues and take classes in things that sound interesting. I exercise. I take meds. I see a therapist. I've been doing those things for YEARS. I've met many people suffering from depression and I am the shining example: do what this guy is doing to get out of it. An ex therapist is writing a book and a chapter is about me, saying DO WHAT THIS GUY DID. Yet it isn't enough. At the end of the day, it's not that I'm not OMG HAPPY, it's that I don't even feel "allright." If I could have 3 out of 4 days be MEH, I'd be joyous.

[redfathom]

You mentioned that you assume people think you are worse then them. I can relate. When ever I meet someone I immediatly tell myself they are way better then me, they have a good life are not dysfunctional etc. I even compare them and there family to mine as in, mine is screwed up. But then I have to tell my self a simple fact, everyone is dysfunctional in some way. Look at super models, yeah they seem great, they are rich beautiful, and most of them have eating disorders. Look at Paris and Lindsey Lohan, how many girls want to be like them, but why, they are completly screwed up and miserable.

 

Tell me one person you think has it good and why.

 

Sure I wish was prettier, taller, thinner, and compare myself to women I see on the street. But I then tell myself that I have great qualities that other people don't. I am a fantastic artists, I am a great cook, I can figure skate, I am funny, smart, kind, etc. I am special in my own way.

 

It's hard not to be your biggest critic.

[Lunar Sonata]

Get out of SoCal. Too much junk therapists and legal drug pushers fishing for depressives as a quick buck.

 

Seriously. Couple years ago I went to a therapist and all she did was get me to take medications and handed me a freaking pamphlet sponsored by Glexo Simtih Kline (that drug company, intentionally misspelled). She told me I couldn't solve it myself.

 

I did solve it myself. Stupid bitch. I hope she rots in hell for such awful 'treatment'.

 

Find somebody who cares, and fast. I strongly recommend a change of environment.

[Kamille]

I wish there was a way to help. One of my friends is in your shoes. He has been depressed for the last 10 years, in spite of everything he has going for him (attractive, smart, social -when he wants to be-, good job, great friends, great family).

 

He has so much going for him that it took me awhile to realize he felt worthless.

 

My mom, who has had a lot of obstacles thrown her way, has been depressed for as long as I can remember. And she has been to councelling, taken medication the whole shabang (and not it isn't chronic depression according to the doctors).

 

I think, and this is very behavioral therapy-ish, that once you are used to thinking about yourself and life a certain way it is very difficult to change your thought patterns, to climb out of the abyss. The negative thoughts almost become like a comfort zone - the only way one has to make sense of life.

 

I guess all I can say is that I love my mom as she is, and that means I love her as someone who has a rather problematic relationship with wellbeing. In her struggles, she has taught me a lot. And I'm guessing the same is true for you. Of course, the people around you would love to see you happy - but they love you for who you are, as you are, right now.

[oppath]

Absolutely, it's behavioral therapy-ish Kamille. Their are neural pathways in your brain that are physical. They are like a highway. If you think a certain type of way, i.e. negatively from depression, those thoughts are essentially automatic. They flow freely and are fast.

 

To think differently require physically rewiring your brain. You can physically from new neural pathways when you adamantly think differently. It begins by stepping back when you think negatively and saying "this is irrational. What is rational and is there a positive way to think instead?" If you do that enough, you are essentially putting a road block on that negative highway and you allow a new road to be built, one that is positive.

 

The problem is, if you've thought negatively for 20 years, it is REALLY HARD to rewire things. What I know is that I need to step back and recognize my cognitive distortions.

 

This thread is an example.

 

Thought = I'll always be depressed no matter what I do and it is unbearable.

 

Distortions = predicting the future, all or nothing thinking, catastrophizing

 

Rational = I may be depressed now, and I do have a history of it, but I've coped. I've been quite successful despite of it, and I have had moments of happiness that have lasted weeks or months. This means I can obtain those moments. If I am patient and persistant and compassionate towards myself, I wlll have those moments again. I have had some tough circumstances the last year at work and in relationships. It is ok to feel this way now, I am growing as a person as a result, and I am not likely to always feel this way.

[squeak]

Once I accept that every mornng I wake up it fels like a black hole vacuum of faceless ennui pulling me into it's abyss is the norm, and not to expect more, it seems tolerable.

 

See-it is the expectation of thinking it should be different that makes it so miserable. Where did that idea come from? Why should i feel any different? Misery and unhappiness is the instant default setting. Maybe people need to think it should be different so it keeps them striving. Nature's imperative/grass is greener keeps evolution going.