My husband is divorcing me

[RecordProducer]

I don't know why. He said "You're one of the best people I've ever known. You're wonderful, honest, smart... we just don't see eye-to-eye."

 

His whole explanation is that we don't see eye-to-eye. He thinks marriage counseling wouldn't work. I think he doesn't want it to work. There are so many things I don't understand. Since day one, we've barely had sex and there was no sex whatsoever in more than six months, even though we've had some great times together. He says we had problems. Well, he's had two reasons, one related to low libido and another to painful erections. He wants to make it sound as if it's my fault why he didn't want sex with me. I just want to mention that I am an attractive woman, 18 years younger than he.

 

We had major problems with his family and recently he ditched his twin brother, because he and his wife started doing what they did to me - to my husband. It all fell apart when for Yom Kippur, his brother said: "You and your kids are invited, but your wife is not!" My guess is that his brother is influenced by his wife and her only goal has been to get rid of my husband (not me). Their father seems to be on their side, not my husband's. (If you've followed some of my threads, you know what I am talking about).

 

Anyway, my husband says "You think I want a divorce because you're a bad person or you did something, but it's not." He is open to the possibility of HIM being at fault. He is 50. He knows that his chances to meet the right woman are slim.

 

Anyway, I am going through a third painful divorce: my parent's, my first and this one. It just hurts soooooo baaad. So f*cking bad. I am constantly crying and there's no one around to comfort me. I am such a disgusting creature, I can't hold my sh*t together. He is trying to be understanding, he knows I am hurting.

 

Please tell me something to comfort me. We had a few great weeks recently, we were looking for a house to buy and everything seemed so perfect just two weeks ago. Then his brother told him I was not invited and a week later he said he wanted to divorce me. He's been threatening with divorce many, amny times beofre, but I think it's finally happening.

 

Please help me!

[whichwayisup]

Aww RP...Here's a bunch of hugs for you, honeybunny...

 

I am sorry to hear this news...And I'm sorry that you're in so much pain.

 

Your husband is a broken man, there's something inside of him that's always been 'off', and yes, even though it takes two to make a marriage work, I honestly don't believe he gave it his best. I wish he'd go to marriage counselling with you, but I think he's so afraid of change, of really being happy. He is who he is...

 

Oh yeah, most importantly -

I am such a disgusting creature, I can't hold my sh*t together

 

Please don't say stuff like that about yourself. It's so not true and beating up on yourself is only going to make you feel worse.

 

Take this one day at a time, love your kids, hold them close, use their love for you to get you through this...And, ofcourse, keep posting here.

 

Hugs again.

[LucreziaBorgia]

RP, I was just wondering the other day where you had been. I am so sorry to hear this. I am glad you won't have that assh*le brother of his to deal with anymore, but I am sorry that you are in pain.

 

You are not now, nor were you ever a disgusting person RP. I think what is disgusting is how you have been treated.

[quankanne]

I've been wondering how you've been, and dammit, RP, I hate knowing that this is what's been keeping you occupied. And I'm truly sorry that he feels there's no other option than divorce – it's possible that he feels he's got to choose between his birth family and his married family, instead of forging a new path …

 

you'll be in my prayers, that you two can resolve this in a way that BOTH of you are winners, because y'all deserve a shot at a happy life together. Meanwhile, don't completely give up until it's time to walk away ... there's always a fighting chance for success

 

hugs always,

quank

[Art_Critic]

Aww RP... I'm so sorry..

 

Trust me when I say he isn't all that.. you are though

You tried very hard to make it a good marriage..

 

**Hugz**

[2sunny]

i'm so sorry RP

 

(((((hugs)))))

[Star Gazer]

You are not now, nor were you ever a disgusting person RP. I think what is disgusting is how you have been treated.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

I'm sorry to hear this news, RP. ((((HUGS))))

[Mustang Sally]

I have followed your posts in the past, RP.

 

I agree with WWIU. Your H does, indeed, sound like a 'broken man.'

 

Sorry you are going through this.

Stay strong. You are going to get through this.

[marlena]

Well, he's had two reasons, one related to low libido and another to painful erections. He wants to make it sound as if it's my fault why he didn't want sex with me. I just want to mention that I am an attractive woman, 18 years younger than he.

 

 

 

RC,

 

I am so sorry to hear this. You were one of the first persons to answer my posts last December when I first became a member here, so I had to just jump in and convey my sympathy ans support to you for what seems to be yet another major trial in your life.

 

The problem is obviously his. He is fifty years old, a turning point in most men's lives, where a decreased libido very often becomes a huge problem. I should know as I have had quite a few relationships with middle- aged men. It usually manifests itself with erectile dysfunction which in turn triggers off a host of psychological problems which of course only escalate the physical problem. Has he seen a doctor? Would he consider taking Viagra or Cialis if the doctor OKed it? Will he talk to you openly about this?

 

You are a very young and attractive woman and this is perhaps making him fell "less lof a man" since it seems he can't offer you the physical gratification you need and deserve. He knows this and I'm sure he is at some level feeling very guilty for his inadequacy.

 

I didn't quite understand how his brother and his wife quite fit into the picture. Care to clarify?

 

I am such a disgusting creature, I can't hold my sh*t together. He is trying to be understanding, he knows I am hurting.

 

 

 

Stop it right here! You are not disgusting. You are human and the reason you can't hold your sh** together is because what you are going through yet a second time is devastating. You are dealing with an onset of conflicting emotions which would upset anyone's balance.

 

Divorces do that to us. They level our sense of self - esteem but it is only temporary. You are strong and you will get back on your feet.

 

I personally think it is far too early to make assumptions. This could be the real thing or just another false alarm. He has made empty threats before as you say.

 

And why does he let his brother influence him so? And what does his brother have against you?

[Sweetcheripie]

Oh sweetie - i'm sorta new here so don't know the whole situation - but I'm so sorry. I was married to a man much older than me and had two children and we divorced when they were very young (2.5 years and 6 mos) I was devasted. But after a while I learned I was so lucky. Sometimes it takes a little distance and time to have a clear view of the situation. I know it hurts right now but I can almost promise you - you will be soooo much happier.

 

If that is your picture you are beautiful!! And you sound like a sweetheart. Listen to your husband when he says how wonderful you are - that is the truth. It sounds he comes from a long history of dysfunction in his family and he has many many problems - you and your children will come through this so much stronger.

 

Don't want to sound materialistic or mean here - but go to a good lawyer and protect yourself. Again, I don't know the circumstances but I walked away with nothing from my ex and going back later to fight for child support was traumatic all over again. So learn from my mistake and protect you and kiddos right away.

[GALT]

Hey RP--I cannot say any more than everyone else has said. Hold your head high because it is NOT your fault. WWIU hit it right no the head. My hugz to you as well.

 

On a practical note, you have been married for a while now, not long but a while, you uprooted your life, had issues with your ex to bring your children with you to start a new life with Av. You gave up and compromised way more than he ever did. Remember a relationship is all about a compromise. If he is indeed serious, please make sure you are represented well. Do not let him talk you into ANYTHING without tossing it to your attorney (need a recommendation, send me an email) first. Do not let him convince you that anything is done this way here and not like that in Europe. You deserverd more it he marraige and (**** I can;t believe I am saying this) you deserve more in divorce. He has been conniving many times before, from his ultimatums and so forth. I know you love him, but he has controlled you (to a degree) for a long time and I suspect if a divorce is in the works, his control will be exerted to a greater degree now. Be careful and know that you need to care for not only yourself but your boys too!

 

Did your mom ever move over? Do you have friends to talk with?

 

And fo what it is worth, I rate you the #2 best looking woman on LS behind Merin!

[buckdawg]

so sorry this is happening to you. it really sucks.

 

it's so obvious though that the problem is probably him. failure in the bedroom, real or perceived, is such a touchy subject for a man i'm sure he had issues with that to say the least...not to mention wacky family issues.

 

ultimately what happens happens. very little we can do about it. just fight through it. adversity and how we deal with it makes us stronger in the end although i know it doesn't feel like that right now.

 

however! please don't utter phrases like

I am such a disgusting creature, I can't hold my sh*t together. He is trying to be understanding, he knows I am hurting.

they're not constructive nor are they true. i think you're feeling a titch sorry for yourself, and that's OK right now but don't let it consume you.

 

good luck!

[Mz. Pixie]

Awww, RP, I have been wondering where you have been.

 

Art is right, he's not all that, but you are. You're a wonderful person and a great mom and a man would be lucky to find someone like you. You've poured your heart into this marriage I know.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

[Storyrider]

So sorry to hear this RP. I had also been wondering about you.

 

You have put up with a lot because of his inability to set boundaries with his family and his unwillingness to defend you from their attacks. And I didn't know about the sex problems, but I sensed something was bugging you because of things you wrote on other threads.

 

You have said many times that sex in a marriage is as essential to you as food or water. He seems unable/unwilling to give you that. Since he is unlikely to change much, perhaps splitting with him is ultimately better for you as it will save you from feeling starved.

 

I am sure that doesn't make it hurt any less though.

 

Hugs to you.

[RecordProducer]

Thank you all, guys for your support. I don't know how I can thank you for the wonderful words. Some of you asked for clarification or answers, but I just can't answer anything right now. I will only say that I am not getting out with nothing and he's been good to me, trying to make this easier for me. But it's still hurts like hell. I can't stop crying.

 

I just called his brother to tell him the good news and I tried to tell him how much my husband misses him and needs and loves him, that they should get back together. But his ******* brother said he is willing to talk to me anytime and tell me examples of what I did wrong and why he was very angry with me. And I know that I never did anything to him (my husband agrees 100%) and he is just full of venom, so I ended up telling him that his wife is doing all this (which is true) and that he is not happy with her and that the two of them are *******s. He didn't say he was sorry about our divorce or anything and after I told him I dfidsn't hate him, he said he wanted to talk to me (insult me). So that kinda felt good - to tell his brother "You're an ass and your wife is a bitch!" I am gald I did that after so many months of being their victim.

 

Thank you, everyone. You're so sweet.

[Pyro]

I don't know why. He said "You're one of the best people I've ever known. You're wonderful, honest, smart... we just don't see eye-to-eye."

 

His whole explanation is that we don't see eye-to-eye. He thinks marriage counseling wouldn't work. I think he doesn't want it to work. There are so many things I don't understand. Since day one, we've barely had sex and there was no sex whatsoever in more than six months, even though we've had some great times together. He says we had problems. Well, he's had two reasons, one related to low libido and another to painful erections. He wants to make it sound as if it's my fault why he didn't want sex with me. I just want to mention that I am an attractive woman, 18 years younger than he.

 

We had major problems with his family and recently he ditched his twin brother, because he and his wife started doing what they did to me - to my husband. It all fell apart when for Yom Kippur, his brother said: "You and your kids are invited, but your wife is not!" My guess is that his brother is influenced by his wife and her only goal has been to get rid of my husband (not me). Their father seems to be on their side, not my husband's. (If you've followed some of my threads, you know what I am talking about).

 

Anyway, my husband says "You think I want a divorce because you're a bad person or you did something, but it's not." He is open to the possibility of HIM being at fault. He is 50. He knows that his chances to meet the right woman are slim.

 

Anyway, I am going through a third painful divorce: my parent's, my first and this one. It just hurts soooooo baaad. So f*cking bad. I am constantly crying and there's no one around to comfort me. I am such a disgusting creature, I can't hold my sh*t together. He is trying to be understanding, he knows I am hurting.

 

Please tell me something to comfort me. We had a few great weeks recently, we were looking for a house to buy and everything seemed so perfect just two weeks ago. Then his brother told him I was not invited and a week later he said he wanted to divorce me. He's been threatening with divorce many, amny times beofre, but I think it's finally happening.

 

Please help me!

 

I am sorry for the hurt that he is putting you through.

 

He has threatened you with divorce in the past. That just goes to show that he didn't have much faith in the relationship.

 

I can't believe that he doesn't even want to try counseling.

 

From what I have read in your posts on this matter, you did nothing wrong. You gave it your all and he is giving up just like that.

 

He may not feel it now, but he will eventually regret making this decision. It is his loss.

 

Try not to be too heartbroken about it. Your two boys still need you.

[marlena]

Marlena, the sexlessness led and will lead to serious issues. A man who can't perform will avoid anything physical with his partner. He doesn't need it, he doesn't want it, and it only reminds him of what he can't do so it's frustrating. He will feel helpless and less of a man and he will project those frustrations on you. You, on the other hand, will turn into a crazy, moody, nagging bitch, because your sexual needs are not fulfilled. Mother Nature has given you instincts and hormones that make your blood boil, if you oppose them. Your only hope is if you haven't gone through menopause yet to hope that you won't need sex once you enter it. A sexless relationship in which one spouse craves sex can't be happy. Nature speaks louder than morality.

 

 

RC,

 

This is what you replied to me when I was in somewhat a similar bind almost a year ago. And you were so right! I did turn into a "crazy, nagging bitch" or at least that's what chose to call me in a desperate attempt to camouflage his own inadequacies.

 

And I am much older than you ( and less beautiful of course!) I want to bounce back the same questions to you: Can you do it at 38? Can you continue to live in this sexless marriage?

 

Hope I'm not being too personal in asking the above. I do so out of concern.

[whichwayisup]

RC,

 

Sorry Marlena, I need to correct ya...It's RP, not RC...

[RecordProducer]

Marlena, you are a sweetheart! You made my day! You're right. I gave my own answer about my marriage long time ago. Of course, he wants it to look like I was the bad wife so that's why we didn't have sex. Then how come I am such a great person if I didn't deserve sex, so bad I was?

 

Marlena, you rule! And everyone here sees him for what he is. I am so gratfeul to you, guys for being so supportive. With my first husband, I knew I was better than him, but also he had a daughter from his first marriage (his ex died in a car accident), I knew I couldn't replace her mom and that bothered him. We were also two different worlds. At the time I didn't realize why we split, but later I understood. With this marriage, we didn't have such problems, but I guess the age made the difference. He didn't even bother to tell me what he did before he met me and it was very much related to his lack of libido!

[whichwayisup]

RP, you're going to be fine........I know this sucks and it hurts like heck, but you're a STRONG woman and have so much good left inside of you to share. Your singing, your love for art, (and singing, but I said that already!), your boys.....

 

I'm not too sure it was the whole age thing, there are ways around that (sex) to make it better....

 

Sorry, but he's a DUD.

[marlena]

Thanks WWIU (I got that one right, didn't I)?

 

I definitely need to start editing my posts!

[RecordProducer]

RP, you're going to be fine........I know this sucks and it hurts like heck, but you're a STRONG woman and have so much good left inside of you to share. Your singing, your love for art, (and singing, but I said that already!), your boys.....

 

WWIU, you've always been good to me. I am grateful for people like you and many others on this board who are really kind and genuine.

 

By the way, I am applying for law school this month so everyone, wish me luck, please! I am hoping to help children when/if I become a lawyer. I canjot be a shark, I want to live for others. Not because I am such a good poerson, but because living for others will make MY life rich. I want to do for others what I could not do for myself. Everyone is pretected except for kids. I look forward to dedicating my life to them and I hope I will have that chance.

[quankanne]

I guess the age made the difference

 

it's a big part of it, especially with the ED problems, but I think for you the more worrisome problem was his divided loyalty: When he married you, you and the twins became his first family and he should have championed you each and every time, not put his brother or his mother ahead of you. Because you can work around sex problems; it's harder to do with family issues.

 

another question for you: You left your home to marry him, and you were pursuing citizenship. How would divorce affect your status as a non-citizen, or have you hit the magic mark that would allow you to pursue citizenship?

[marlena]

By the way, I am applying for law school this month so everyone, wish me luck, please! I am hoping to help children when/if I become a lawyer. I canjot be a shark, I want to live for others. Not because I am such a good poerson, but because living for others will make MY life rich. I want to do for others what I could not do for myself. Everyone is pretected except for kids. I look forward to dedicating my life to them and I hope I will have that chance.

 

RP,

 

Good for you! I admire your ambition and drive and the power you know that is an integral part of yourself. Your goals are admirable and will sustain you in these difficult times you are facing.

 

Of course, he wants it to look like I was the bad wife so that's why we didn't have sex. Then how come I am such a great person if I didn't deserve sex, so bad I was?

 

I know of the devastating blows sexual rejection can inflict! Yes, people with severe sexual issues will try to bring you down to their own level, in an effort to fool you into believing that you are at fault for their incompacity to perform.

 

I have heard all sort of lame excuses ranging from..."Why did you close the shutters?" to "That T- shirt you were wearing turned me off!" Oh, and my latest ex's, "I'm sick and tired of your acting like acting lke a saint"! SHEESH!

 

It is a self -denial that is equally detrimental to themselves as it is to others. For how can they even begin to address their problem if they refuse to recognise they even have one? Easier to put the blame on the other.

 

I am well - acquainted with the frustration born of sexual tension and the much - needed release that never comes....when the need to feel like a woman again reduces you to tears...

 

No, you are too young and beautiful for that.

 

Your husband needs to meet you half way on this ..otherwise, as painful as it may be..you must consider the less desirable option of letting go!

 

I know this is difficult.............

[marlena]

I lived exactly half of my life in Skopje, the capital of Macedonia and the other half in Belgrade, the capital of Serbia (these countries are situated on the south-east of Europe and belonged to ex-Yugoslavia until 15 years ago and have nothing to do with the former USSR). I am a mixture of Jewish, Macedonian, and Russian genes though.

 

RP!

 

 

I went back and read your previous posts and was stunned by this! I am from, well, Macedonia, Greece! I hope this doesn't put a damper on things! I know our countries are at odds about the name "MAcedonia" but I could give a damn.

 

I have been to Skopje and Ochrid and I loved both places ..esp. these wonderful goat cheese balls (feta cheese) that I couldn't get enough of!!

 

I spent all of the summer of 2006 travelling throu former Yugoslavia...and it was an eye- opening experience for me....I loved every moment of it and made great friends there...from the Danube in Belgrade ...esp.. the Bohemian quarter with its shopska salads and tsebapi ...to Montenegro and Croatia and then Bosnia - Erzegovini ... I came back a better and richer person.....

 

I am Greek but I grew up in the States and like you I share my love for a country that so defined me ....and still does

 

From one citizen of the world to another ...BIG HUGS!

 

 

 

 

I