My husband is divorcing me

[RecordProducer]

Hello, my dear LS-ers. I'll answer your questions. Gunny, thanks for the wonderful intro - I was hoping to see the main point, you know, the ta-daaaaa... but, alas, there was no main point in your post. I don't have any old friend here in the US, I moved to the US twenty months ago.

 

Marlena, I talked to him yesterday and his only explanation is that we "don't see eye-to-eye." He said "maybe if you were a kiss-ass type of person, but you're not and I don't think I would want you to be." This was in the family context so I got it pretty clear: he is divorcing me because his family disapproves of me. I always thought that and now it's clear to me. It's all about his father, actually. His father told me that my husband asked him to come to Serbia to meet me and tell him if he should marry me. And his father told him that he is old enough to decide for himself. Then he brought his brother to meet me. His brother acted weird and ignored me the whole time. My husband then got cold feet and canceled the wedding one day prior to the schedule date. Then he left and regreted what he did and came back and married me a week later.

 

I think if his father could talk to him and convince him to give it a try, he will. He says he will miss me a lot, he loves me a lot, and I know he loves the kids to death. Geez, I even think that he didn't make love to me because his father disappoves of our marriage. I know, some great trait he has, but other than this clinging to his fahter, he is a great person.

 

I have a friend in California who invited me to visit anytime. I am thinking about going there. It's a male friend and it's a prospective lover. Hubby knows this, of course. I was thinking about giving him a reality check just to simulate the future circumstances - I will be dating and sleeping with other guys.

 

I will either send a long email to his father telling him that our marriage is in his hands and that hubby is hurt that he (the father) took the other brother's side in the fight OR I will got to California. Please vote for one of those two. I won't do both though. One is sticking to the marriage and getting out of my skin to make it work. The other is giving up on it and rubbing in hubby's face. For those who wonder, nothing would change technically if I did the Cali trip. He will only be hurt. But hey, do we care? He doesn't want me.

[RecordProducer]

RC,

WWIU will kill you! :lmao:

She is sensitive about you not calling me by my real name. RP is my real name, by the way. When I was born, my mother said to my father "Let's name her Record Producer." My father said "Why Record Producer?" My mother said, "Because it's a nice name. I heard it in this movie I told you about."

 

When I was born, my mother looked at me and said: "Damn it!"

I heard that, but she denies.

[RecordProducer]

I am reading your posts for the zillionth time and they really are helping. Every word is like a supoporting hand preventing me from falling. Thanks, guys.

 

Urgh... no more cigarettes and booze. I need both.

[marlena]

RP,

So this is what it's all about? He wants a kiss -ass type of person? Surely, he must have known you were not the submissive grin - and - bear it type!!!! Couldn't he see how wonderfully dynamic, opinionated and intelligent you are? Sheesh, it's obvious to all of us in here and we have never met you up close. Isn't that why he fell in love with you in the first place? If all he wanted was a doormat then he should have married one. Does he come from a very traditional family where women are meant to be seen but not heard? And why is his family so against you?

 

I can't believe he wanted to bring his father along to Serbia to check out if you were marrying material or not. Sheesh, what kind of time warp are this people stuck in? Your husband seems to be a very immature and gutless guy, sorry to say RP.

How can he allow his family to manipulate him this way? Why does he stand for it?

 

Was he ever married before you? Does he have children from a previous marriage? The reson that I am asking is because being married and having children makes us become mre responsible and mature human beings. Was he single til his fifties?

 

As for staying and working on yr marriage or going to Cali , you are the only person who can answer that. Do you think your marriage is fixable? Do you even want to fix it? How do you feel for your husband? And even if he were to tell his family to f*** off, there still remains the problem of his low libido and sexual dysfunction.

Could you live with that? Do you want to live with that? You seem like a very passionate type of person in the broader and narrower sense of the word. I don't know if could "settle" and you shouldn't have to with all you have going for you.

 

And what was it about him that made you fall in love with him? What were the qualities you admired in him? There must have been a lot there for you to pick up and move across the Atlantic for this person.

 

 

Sorry, I know I am asking far too many questions but I am only trying to get a fuller picture so that I may understand what is happening inside of this person.

 

It sounds like he may have be feeling inferior to you. Could this be it?

[2sunny]

RP-

 

i don't think it's a wise idea to try to hook up with any other guy right now. that would only complicate things for everyone.

 

you need time to clear your head, make plans for the future and make great choices with any changes that are to come your way.

 

it doesn't always have to be about having a man in your life. your responsibility right now is about you and your boys and the best future you can set up for them.

[Ladyjane14]

Perspective, RP. You've got to put this thing in perspective.

 

You're crying your eyes out, smoking and drinking, over a 50-year old Mama's Boy. Meanwhile, here you are... young, beautiful, and big-hearted. What's wrong with this picture?

 

C'mon. Would you REALLY want to spend the next 20 years of your life taking pot-shots from his family members and shopping for his Depends?

Who's the big loser in this scenario, you or him?

 

Yeah, the future is a big ole' scary blank page right now. But the good news is... you can still write whatever you want on it for you and your boys. The trick to it is to set some long term goals, like going to law school, and then take it day by day.

 

Life is too short to be wondering if you're truly loved within your relationship. And marriage is too long when you're not loved well.

 

If it were me, I'd play nice in the sandbox until after settlement, and then once I was able to establish myself... I'd dump this loser for good. Hell, send him a nice Christmas card once a year with you in a smoking hot bikini sitting on Santa's lap. He's got a long-ass time ahead of him to feel like a schmuck for letting you go. Why not help him along with that?

[Ladyjane14]

I will either send a long email to his father telling him that our marriage is in his hands and that hubby is hurt that he (the father) took the other brother's side in the fight OR I will got to California. Please vote for one of those two. I won't do both though. One is sticking to the marriage and getting out of my skin to make it work. The other is giving up on it and rubbing in hubby's face. For those who wonder, nothing would change technically if I did the Cali trip. He will only be hurt. But hey, do we care? He doesn't want me.

 

Why do you need to do either? Why not let him set you up where you are? Then at least you've got some minimal assets without destabilizing the kids in the middle of the school year.

 

Certainly, I would no longer share any information with his family members. Their influence and interference has already proven to have a detrimental effect on your personal life. Put them outside your inner circle and don't feed the bears. They seem to twist and pull your words to suit themselves anyway... so why give them the ammo?

[GALT]

I have a friend in California who invited me to visit anytime. I am thinking about going there. It's a male friend and it's a prospective lover. Hubby knows this, of course. I was thinking about giving him a reality check just to simulate the future circumstances - I will be dating and sleeping with other guys.

RP--the guy is slick. He is acting irrationally, but he is not stupid. He has assets to protect and no matter what he says, you need an attorney. He has less than three years invested with you and has some considerable assets to protect. And if his father is calling the shots, you can be sure he is in the background saying "screw her". Get an attorney and one that is not recommended by him.

 

Do NOT go to California. Remain in the house. If you leave, he may be able to charge you with desertion. Additionally, if you sleep with this guy, he may be able to charge you with adultery. I know not a huge issue these days, but I am not sure about PA but in MD, adultery complicates things and it might actually preclude you from getting anything. Be VERY careful. Stay in the house and if it gets bad, let him leave.

 

This guy has been willing and threatening to toss you away since day one. Why are you so sure he is going to be a "great guy" in divorce. That is naive!

[Art_Critic]

RP-

 

i don't think it's a wise idea to try to hook up with any other guy right now. that would only complicate things for everyone.

 

you need time to clear your head, make plans for the future and make great choices with any changes that are to come your way.

 

it doesn't always have to be about having a man in your life. your responsibility right now is about you and your boys and the best future you can set up for them.

 

 

I agree.. and remember that AV used to be a poster here and knows that you post..

So.. it is very possible that your posts and words from LS may come back on you during the divorce if it is not amicable..

If I remember correctly did he ever adopt the children ?

 

Once the papers for a divorce are filed emotions tend to take over and things can explode and wind up taking on a life of their own.

So I would think you need to be very careful what you post on LS..

 

Hugs

[marlena]

Ooops!! Sorry WWIU!! I did it again. I'll try to be more careful in future!!!

[Art_Critic]

Get an attorney and one that is not recommended by him.

 

Good advice..

 

Remember that you are no longer in the country that you grew up in and the laws are different.

You need someone looking out for you and your children's interests that understands PA divorce law.

[Gunny376]

IMHO?

 

He got more woman than he baragined for? He got more a tiger by the tail ~ its plain to see!

 

I personally don't see it working out? Why? I don't see him ever being able toting the note on your @ss! The "men-folk" aren't accustomed to handling and dealing with a strong assertive woman.

 

Having done 20 years in the Marine Corps? I'm well acquainted with the this "type" of woman! And you've always have come across as the strong, assertive, determined, independent type.

 

You! You don't need a man! You just need to position yourself in life to where you can be strong and independent of having to have a man! And it sounds as the DH has the means and assets to set you up to get there ~ eventually.

 

He brought you to the U.S.A ~ and this is a different ballgame than from where you came! Get yourself a junk yard dog mean attorney, and fight for your rights!

 

He can't just bring your happy @ss over here and dump you on the streets. Its tme to get mad dog mean about it.

 

The problem as I see it? Isn't you ~ its him! He's a quiter, a loser, a non-hacker! Sounds to me? He can't tote the note on you, and never will.

 

To me? You've always came across as a younger, (albiet hard-headed) version of Lady Jane ~ just without the experience and knowledge of the years? (You're getting there soon enough)

 

I'm with Lady Jane. I'd dig my feet in PA. The guy in CA? That's just changing your dependencey from one to another! Time to strike out on your own! There's a whole world out there.

 

You're just going through the intial shock of it all! Its like an "emotional stroke" Its going to take you sometime to recover from it! You're going to have to learn how to walk and talk again. I don't think it will take you very long.

 

I don't think it would take you very long to recover from this? You come across to me as having more "brass" than a lot of men I know.

 

The only thing you have to fear? Is yourself!

 

Your worse enemy in all of this? Is you!

 

How hard or difficult you make all of this? Is entirely up to you!

 

This loser and his family have no control over you what you don't give them.

 

With that said? You're the one that's in control here ~ you need but see it! You're the one that's in control of your life! Not him! Your the one that's calling the shots! Not him! Not his father! Not his brother!

 

Its a weak-minded SOB that at 50-something has to check in with "Daddy" and his family to make decisions about their lives! JHC ~ if your not off the "tit" by then he never will be!

 

I served with enough of men from PA ~ to know for a fact there are more than enough real men up there! Men of substance, characther, morals, honor, high caliber ~ all day long strong!

 

You're just scared! You're here by yourself in a country that isn't your home with a limited number of friends and no family.

 

But your a tough, "hard-headed" gal RP, smart, intellegent, and you've got the "grit" to make it! Come Hell or high water!

 

Don't let this SOB brow-beat you into submission! F**k him! As I said? The problem isn't you! Its his weak @ss! He thought he was getting a "kitten" and was surprised when he discovered he had gotten a full grown "she-tiger!"

[Gunny376]

Good advice..

 

Remember that you are no longer in the country that you grew up in and the laws are different.

You need someone looking out for you and your children's interests that understands PA divorce law.

 

 

You got that right!

 

This is a different ballgame here! Women have rights!

[RecordProducer]

RP,

Couldn't he see how wonderfully dynamic, opinionated and intelligent you are?

According to him, this is detrimental for our marriage.

 

Isn't that why he fell in love with you in the first place?

Yes.

 

Does he come from a very traditional family where women are meant to be seen but not heard? And why is his family so against you?

I think the sister-in-law wanted to get rid of him and she used ME as an excuse. She doesn't want her husband to have a twin brother, she wants him for herself. And she is boosting the father's ego by asking him for help about her marriage (they have problems). The father told me that I didn't try hard enough to impress them (check that! I thought who you are is what counts, not what kind of impression you want to leave), I made tasteless jokes (this is BS) and I assciated with his ex -wfie (my husband's mother) and that was bad. So he basically admitted that me socializing with my mom-in-law was bad in their eyes and the woman is wonderful, I love her. It's my hubby's MOTHER. The other twin brothewr and his wife have ditched the mother, they treat her like sh*t. But my husband is OK with his mom.

 

Was he ever married before you?

He was married twice before me and this marriage is the longest he's ever had and it lasted for a year and a half. He was married first when he was 33 to a bipolar drug addict. His second wife was partygirl and a coke addict (She's cool, I like her, but dumb, OMG!).

 

Does he have children from a previous marriage?

No. But he loves my two boys - twins, too.

 

Do you think your marriage is fixable?

I think if HE wanted to fix it, he could.

 

Do you even want to fix it? How do you feel for your husband?

If he would want to work on the marriage, I would love him. Right now I hate his guts, but he's a wonderful person.

 

And even if he were to tell his family to f*** off, there still remains the problem of his low libido and sexual dysfunction.

Could you live with that? Do you want to live with that?

I have a funny feeling that everything, even his libido, has to do with his family. He feels that he is fobidden to have sex and enjoy life with me.

 

And what was it about him that made you fall in love with him?

I loved his masculine personality, he was a lot of fun, has a great sense of humor, and was very passionate sexually. I see what you're aiming at and you're right: little of it remained.

 

It sounds like he may have be feeling inferior to you. Could this be it true?

He told me that I am strong person and need someone who is less strong. I guess having integrity isn't a good quality these days.

 

You're crying your eyes out, smoking and drinking, over a 50-year old Mama's Boy. Meanwhile, here you are... young, beautiful, and big-hearted. What's wrong with this picture?

Ummm, you forgot to say "smart"? Oh, no, that was intentionally omitted. Cuz I am an idiot! The biggest idiot I've ever known!

 

Who's the big loser in this scenario, you or him?

It sounds like you're trying to say that HE is a loser. Thanks! That really felt good. Your words are really comforting.

 

Yeah, the future is a big ole' scary blank page right now. But the good news is... you can still write whatever you want on it for you and your boys. The trick to it is to set some long term goals, like going to law school, and then take it day by day.

 

Life is too short to be wondering if you're truly loved within your relationship. And marriage is too long when you're not loved well.

You are so right about this.

 

He's got a long-ass time ahead of him to feel like a schmuck for letting you go.

Frankly, I don't care about how he is going to feel after he divorces me.

 

Certainly, I would no longer share any information with his family members. Their influence and interference has already proven to have a detrimental effect on your personal life. Put them outside your inner circle and don't feed the bears. They seem to twist and pull your words to suit themselves anyway... so why give them the ammo?

You are right. I realized his father doesn't love him anyway, so he wouldn't do anything to improve his life or marriage.

 

RP--the guy is slick. He is acting irrationally, but he is not stupid. He has assets to protect and no matter what he says, you need an attorney.

We have a post-nup that states that I get $125k so I do not need an attorney. Moreover, I told him that if he wants to see the kids regularly (as he says), he needs to provide them with good housing in a safe neighborhood, with a good school, food, clothes, and health insurance; if not, he takes no responsibility for them as his own kids and thus has no right to see them or pretend to be their father. I am a future attorney myself!

 

This guy has been willing and threatening to toss you away since day one. Why are you so sure he is going to be a "great guy" in divorce. That is naive!

Because he

's had many divorces and I know how he relates to exes in the post-mortem times.

I agree.. and remember that AV used to be a poster here and knows that you post..

So.. it is very possible that your posts and words from LS may come back on you during the divorce if it is not amicable..

If I remember correctly did he ever adopt the children ?

Hugs

Thanks for the hugs, Arty. Nah, it won't get to an uncontesetd divorce in any case. And he never reads what I post on LS. And if he does, I wouldn't mind. Frankly, I'd love him to see my posts here, but he doesn't care. No, he never adopted the kids. Good for me, isn't it?

 

By the way, I heard you have a baby now?

[RecordProducer]

Gunny, I love you! You ar my hero! Geez, why do people (even DH) see me as strong? DH said "You don't realize how strong you are!"

 

Frankly, I think you guys are mixing opiniontaed with strong. And as they say, an opinion is like a butt hole - everyone has one. Just because I am determined doesn't mean I am strong to cope with troubles. I always thought that people who are less hot-headed are better in coping.

 

But Gunny, you're right that I can make it on my own. By the way, the guy in Cali is not someone I would rely on, he is just suitable for a casual thing, nothing more than that.

 

Thank you for saying that women have rights. You're very kind. Women and men, both have rights, but thanks for NOT being against women.

[Gunny376]

JHC~! Sounds like one screwed up mess of a family ~ at least on the male side. A lot of weak-minded, pettiness.

 

They're the ones with the problem, and they're trying to project that on you! And get you to thinking that you're the one with the problem! I'd get out before they drove me crazy! It wouldn't be a case of him divorcing me, but a case of me divorcing him!

 

Why are all these people in your marriage? I'd set them straight quick fast and in a hurry like! Behind my front door? I'm the one that makes the rules!

 

I don't get into my chidlren's affairs and personal business. I don't give them un-solicitated advice. I'll tell them quick "Handle Your Business!"

 

You didn't try hard enough to impress them? WTF!

You should be trying to impress my "happy ass!" That's a two way street!

 

And yes! You do come across as strong and independent ~ and along with that comes opinionated? That's they're freaking problem ~ they're as a family are accusstomed to that type of woman!

 

The SIL sounds like a freaking idiot! The FIL sounds like a fruit cake!

 

If you want this marriage ~ (beyond me why you would?) you're the one that's going to have to do the leg-work.

 

What's the real deal here RP? Are you more afraid of the otherside of divorce? Are you afraid of being deported back to Serbia?

 

If you don't have American citizenship or legal resident status, then you need to be working on that. There wouldn't be any divorce papers signed until you've secured that!

 

And he'd be footing the alimony bill until you've gotten on your feet. He's the one that brought your happy azz over here to begin with! He wanted to play ~ so now he can pay!

 

I'd set the Sirus radio to StarLite, and be dancing and laughing all around the house ~ just throw your hands up in the air ~ like you just don't care! It'd drive him nuts to see you so happy!

 

Meanwhile? Fake it until you make it!

[Gunny376]

Gunny, I love you! You ar my hero! Geez, why do people (even DH) see me as strong? DH said "You don't realize how strong you are!"

 

Compared to what? Spoiled, pampered, accustomed to soft-living American women?

 

Not that all are? But enough to create a stereotype?

[Trialbyfire]

RP, take this as a marvelous opportunity to do what you want and to find someone who will consider your relationship first. Your prenup settlement amount will give you enough buffer to keep things comfortable while you pursue a new career through education.

 

I agree the last thing you want to do is to pursue any kind of emotional/physical involvement with the third-party in Cali, that it will only complicate the issue, where the end result will be pain to you.

[Gunny376]

You've got a prenup?

 

Ahhhhh Hell! It'd be on!

[marlena]

He was married twice before me and this marriage is the longest he's ever had and it lasted for a year and a half. He was married first when he was 33 to a bipolar drug addict. His second wife was partygirl and a coke addict (She's cool, I like her, but dumb, OMG!).

 

 

Wow, he really has a track record, hasn't he? I can't help wondering why he seems unable to sustain a relationship/marriage for a longer duration of time. That in itself makes a big statement about him. It would seem that he doesn't have the maturity or the willingness to stick around and work things out but rather opts for the easy way out when the going gets tough. It makes one wonder how CAPABLE he is of having deep feelings for another or how mature he is for a commitment. It is sad that the very things that he loved in you are what now intimidate him so. Strange how that happens, isn' t it?

 

 

The father told me that I didn't try hard enough to impress them (check that! I thought who you are is what counts, not what kind of impression you want to leave), I made tasteless jokes (this is BS) and I assciated with his ex -wfie (my husband's mother) and that was bad.

 

RP,

This just sounds too lame. There must be more to this though I'm hard pressed to think what it might be. These are not reasons to want to break up someone's marriage.

 

You are right. I realized his father doesn't love him anyway, so he wouldn't do anything to improve his life or marriage.

 

 

Could this be the root to your husband's problems? I mean if you realized that his father has no love for him then naturally so must he have. That's sad. Could it be he is going along with his father's wishes in a desperate attempt to gain his approval and the love he never felt? Has he ever talked to you about his relationship with his father?

 

 

Frankly, I think you guys are mixing opiniontaed with strong. And as they say, an opinion is like a butt hole - everyone has one. Just because I am determined doesn't mean I am strong to cope with troubles. I always thought that people who are less hot-headed are better in coping.

 

I so agree. Opinionated and strong are two different things entirely. Whenever I had trouble coping with situations, people could not believe it of me. People with better grip on their emotions do definitely have better coping strategies. But, hey, that's who you are and I am sure that is what makes you so lovable.

 

RP,

Am I right in assuming that you two knew each other very little when you decided to get married? What both led you to such a hasty decision? Well, it doesn't really matter now..What matters is to pick up the pieces ..one piece each new day ..and decide what your options are. If you think your husband has other redeeming qualities then I would say stick it out...wait it out and see where it goes. Do some more talking. If not, then, you'll just have to accept the inevitable and work towards healing once again. Truly I wish I could help more. Please take better care of yourself..little things at a time... they can go a long way.

 

Hugs to you,

[RecordProducer]

What's the real deal here RP? Are you more afraid of the otherside of divorce? Are you afraid of being deported back to Serbia?

No, that's not happening. I have my status here and it will not be jeoperdized by the divorce. I would be afraid of deportatrion though if that were the option, but it's not.

 

Gunny, you're full fo inspiration, plese keep posting.

[PWSX3]

RP I am so sorry to hear about this news, I remember when I first joined up you were one of the first to give me hope & more important help & advice.

 

I don't know what will happen but I wish you the best.

[Tony T]

It won't take you long to blow through $125,000. That's probably three years of average living expenses in a moderately priced apartment in PA. That will hardly pay your tuition to the average law school. Give this a LOT of thought.

 

I truly believe you need an attorney to take you through this...if it can't be worked out. Don't short change yourself. You only get ONE chance at a settlement. When you are divorced, you are divorced. You can't go to the well again. Yes, he brought you over here to a strange, new country and then he screwed you over. He needs to be sure you are taken care of very well financially. $125,000 may sound like a lot of money but, take my word, it's not these days unless you plan on foregoing school and working your butt off.

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

What can I say.

 

I didn't expect it to be this soon.

 

Sorry RP, he was too old anyway.

 

Ariadne

[Touche]

Hi RP, how are you holding up? I've been thinking about you. Have been gone all day today. Are you ok?

 

You've been getting excellent advice I see. Take heed. And although I agree with AC to watch what you say here in case he's is reading this thread, in a way I agree with you. I hope he IS reading this.

 

He's a control freak and will more than likely never have a happy marriage. He reminds me of my ex:sick: And you know we had a 19 year age difference. These types of men pick younger women for a REASON. They think we're easy marks for them to be able to domineer us and manipulate us into doing whatever the hell they want us to do. You can't have your own mind, thoughts, opinions, , etc. etc. with these men.

 

And my ex was exceptional too. Everyone loved him. He had a genius IQ, an excellent sense of humor, was attractive and very, very charming. But behind closed doors he was another person. Controlling to the max, argumentative and bad-tempered, in addition to being verbally abusive and sometimes even physically abusive.

 

It was like being let out of a prison when it all ended. I used to lie awake and cry myself to sleep wishing that one day I could have a man who was a real partner, a man who loved me and who I could really love all the time without periods of hatred and nastiness and fighting. I wanted someone kind who wasn't moody. Someone stable and just NICE. Was that too much to ask in this fricken' world? That's what I used to lie awake and think about and cry, cry, cry. I felt so alone in that marriage.

 

And you know my story. My real life began when I left. I was just about your age. I went on to finish my college degree after that, got married again, and has our son..etc. etc. You know the story.

 

This isn't the end of the road for you by a long shot. I know your life, your real life is just beginning.

 

Be strong for your boys. And I agree with the others. You don't need another man right now. Get through all of this first and shield your boys from as much drama as you can. Protect them. Don't tell them too much. They don't need to know everything.

 

You'll be ok, RP. We're all here for you. So keep coming back and try not to get into any unpleasant scenes with him at home. Be the bigger person. He sounds like an immature man/boy. Show him how classy you are and don't sling any mud.