My husband is divorcing me

[Gunny376]

Well its time to think geographically?

 

As Tony T said? $125,000 isn't much in many, many parts of the country, but here in parts of the Deep South that would go a lot a lot further than in other parts of the country. Especially if your willing to live in the more ruural parts.

 

The colleges and univerities (and their grad programs) are a lot cheaper as well.

 

A 1100 square foot home in San Deigo in a decent neighborhood goes for about $300,000.

 

Here in Alabama that would neet you a couple of acres of land and a 2500 to 3000 square foot house with swiming pool.

 

The problem? The mean family household income is below $35,000, but property taxes are only about $800 to $900 a year for most places. State income taxes are only a couple hundred a year, etc. Heating costs are lower, (although cooling costs are higher).

 

There's lower crime, (in the rural areas) law enforcement is kick-ass.

 

The big downside? If you're not from here, born here, or married into someone's family of influence? It can be hard to get a decent job! You've got to know someone.

 

But if I were to find myself needing to "downside" while making a transistion? I'd be looking at the rural deep South until I had time to get things back together.

 

You can rent a really decent house for about $800 to $1000 a month. Or you could rent just a house for as little as $300 a month.

 

When I first got out of the Corps, I rented an "excutive apartment" (fully furnished with everything you would need, to include furniture, interior decorating, towels, sheets, comforter the works) two bedroom, bath and half, in a complex with a pool, tennis court, jacuzzi, basketball court, volleyball court, weight~exercise room, for $500 a month. My light bills runs about $65 a month, which is kind of high, but I had electrical cooling and heating. Gas bill (stove ~ hot water heater) $20 a month. Water? ~ $12 a month. Basic cable was included in the rent.

 

Since you're not orginally from here, and the DH wants a divorce you've really no ties to PA? And, all the more is the fact that you've already made the mental and emotional leap of leaving home, family and hearth to cross the "pond" and come to America.

 

And I really hope that you're not thinking of going back to Serbia ~ for the sake of your children. America's not perfect ~ never will be! But there are literally tens of millions risking life and limb to get in!

 

The way that I call the ball? Your DH of 1-1/2 years wanting a divorce with his dysfunctional, f**ked up kin?

 

Its not a curse? Its a freaking blessing!

 

Now as to this ~ he' too old for you business!

 

BS!

 

Women by their nature are about 10 years more emotionally more mature than men. The best relationships I have with women? Are with women that are about eight to ten years younger than I am ~ because mentally and emotionally ~ we connect!

 

Granted! I'm ten years older than she is in age ~ but mentally and emotionally? We're on about the same level.

 

The fact that your DH is twenty years older than you? Doesn't have squat to do with anything! He's just a freakning @sshole!

 

I've been walking around the Planet long enough to know that I'm an @sshole. And I know I need a good strong, indendent woman that's going to call me on it and my subsequent BS~ from time to time! (Not that I'm in the market right now~ I'm working on other things!)

 

If and when I do get back in the "dating~mating" game, I want and need an RP or LJ or DDL's that's going to call me on my BS! Who's going to tell me from time to time ~ "You're @ss is dead wrong on this one Gunny!"

 

And it takes a strong-minded woman to be with a man like me! I don't put much "stock" in this astrological stuff ~ but I read the description of an Aries? And it fits me like OJ's glove!

 

I can sometimes go "high and to the right" (marksmanship term) with people! And, I've been called on it several times since having been out here in civilian "la~la" land.

 

Hell! I've been called on "it" (aka ~ my attitude/perspective) here at LS!)

 

But, I'm drifting?

 

RP, the sum total of your reality and life isn't confined to your DH and his freaking dysfuntional, f**ked up family!

 

The sum total of your reality and life ~ is what you define it to be and make it to be!

 

I'll admitt that there otther LS'ers here that know your story better than me? And that are more familiar with you than I?

 

And I was concerned that you're were being held hostage against your will with the deportation threat! But since that's not the case and you've got free rein of the entire country?

 

Get out of this mess!

 

The guys fifty-something, been in three marriages, yours being the longest? You've got all that you need to know to make a decision.

 

Its like I use to tell my "Boy's" in the Corps! You've got 50% to 70% of the "recon" (info)? You've got enough to make a decision!

 

Be decisive! Make the decision! Make the call on the ball! Either Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!"

 

You've got all the "intel" you need! Your DH is an @sshole! Your BIL and SIL are @ssholes! Your FIL is an @sshole! The only one that seems to have it together is the MIL! And she bailed!

 

Its time for you and yours to get your happy selfs out of @sshole land!

 

As for this drinking business?

 

You're talking to a passport carrying, world class, ~ I'm talking Olympic class ~ drunk! You name it ~ my happy ass has been drunk there pretty much!

 

Melborune , Singapore , Hong Kong , Okinawa , Mainlia () Rome

 

Let me clue your "happy~azz" in on something!

 

It accomplishes nothing! It changes nothing! It doesn't "un-do" a damn thing! It prevents nothing!

 

Drinking ~ drugs? Its not part of the solution? Its part of the freaking problem! Its not part of the answers? Its part of the freaking question!

 

Quit doing that ****! Your "happy-@ss is already depressed enough! Why are you pouring gas on the fire! And if your drinking ~ then that's what you doing!

 

Your masking the pain! Deal with the pain! Suck it up! Don't run from it!

 

Pain is GOOD! It teaches you to not stick a copper penny in a light socket! It teaches you too respect fire!

It teaches you not to just give your heart to anyone! It teaches you to keep your head down low when someone trying to take your head off with an AK-47 or an RPG!

 

Pain teaches you to respect the SOB that's trying to throw your happy~azz under the bus!

 

Mr. Pain and Mr. Reality can generally be seen riding together! They "Roll" togehter like that!

[RecordProducer]

Marlena, I think you might be right that the father problem is what constitutes his inability to commit. He was always telling me how great his father is. He is trying to fool himself that his dad is good. He was just using his sons for their money. He got pretty wealthy due to his sons' business - of course, the dad always advised them. They didn't need his advice, they needed his love, he needed their money. He is a cold person.

 

Touche, I don't care about dignity this time. There's no use of dignity in this life. Destruction is part of success (you gotta kill the animal in order to eat and survive) and dignity means suffering without making others suffer.

 

This time I'll make others suffer. I was drunk and called the borhter last night and told him "I DO want to hear what you have against me!" hey he volunteered to come to my net, he wants to tell me what a bitch I am, and I want to tell HIM what an A-hole he is and I want to tell him in his face that when he was making jokes that his penis is sensitive for me _ THAT was a tasteless joke. But it was NOT a joke. His penis IS sensitive for me. I want to tell him that I know that he desires me and desired my husband's ex-wife. I want to tell him that his wife is a slut, she flirts with every guy she sees, and makes tasteless jokes about sex all the time. I want to tell him that his wife hasn't read a book in her life and goes shopping every day and spends $100,000 a year on clothes and shoes (I've never seen her in the same piece of clothing twice). I want to tell him that she is a bad mother, cuz she is never at home and her son is always hungry and literally barefoot outside in the cold. I want to tell him that she doesn't let him fly because "He needs to be at home while I am out shopping to baby-sit the kid" - she said. Bullkrap - her daughter is the live-in baby-sitter. A daughter she had with a Puerto Riccan guy who dumped her when he found out she was pregnant - not a happy situation, but she made up that they were married and that he threatened to seek custody over the child - a guy who never recognized the child as his, cuz he disappeared whuile she was pregnant. I want to tell him that they are both low-class. In our house we talk about science, history, politics, philosophy - in their house they only gossip and talk about ME. I want to tell them that when she complained that I didn't want to associate with her, I had a reason: I do not associate with empty-headed compulsive shoppers, I associate with intellectuals. I want to tell him that his wife has him on a short leash and everybody kknows it. I want to tell him that the little brother in Chicago who disowned the twins, did it because of HIM, not my husband. But he had to get rid of the whole package. I want to tell him that he is mean, evil, and full of venom (I already told him the venom part). I want to tell him that he disowned his wonderful mother because of his wife and his father. What son ditches his own mother for no reason?

 

The funny thing is, I genuinely don't care about what they think of me. You can notice how I talk about them and express my opinion, but I say very little about what they think of me. By the way, if you're curious, they said I made tasteless jokes - as much as I understood, they could never find anything more than that. Of course, in the meanwhile, some mud was thrown from both sides, so now I am bad for not coming to their party, for telling him "I am not going to die if you don't come to my party", for calling his father and telling him that he's a liar (cuz he is?), etc. When people want to provoke you, they eventually will, you can't just sit and smile. You know those situations where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. But most of the time, when I did absolutely nothing, they called hubby and complained that they don't want me around.

 

They are jealous of me, of my children, cuz all their kids are screwed up. His daughter from the first marriage is a major liar and hypocrite, and had problems with drugs and booze. Her mother told me that when she calls the BIL, he doesn't answer the phone - his daughter's mother! She packed her bags when the child was one year old and left, he came home to an empty house, 16 years ago. I aksed her to be my friend, she said, "I don't want to have anything to do with that family, it's just too painful, please don't take it personally." And I don't, cuz I know what she meant.

 

OK, I just realized that I am starting to heal. The self-humiliation that I am going through is a necessary part of it. Some day I will remember this and laugh. I remember getting drunk and calling my ex in the middle of the night to tell him that I am going to kill myself if he doesn't come back. This time I have friends to console me and this time I am not getting out without telling them what I think of them. I am going to ruin their rosy picture of themselves. See, if someone told me "RP, you have cellulite and you've never made a lot of money, you're a loser and a drunk" I might defend myself that I have my reasons, I grew up in a poor country, I was molested, etc., but it WILL hurt me because it's true at least partially. If you tell me "You're stupid and ugly and mean" you won't hurt me, cuz that's far away from the reality I know. So when I tell THEM the truth about them, it can't possibly not hurt htem. When I tell BIL that he's screwed up, that two brothers don't want to talk to him, that his wife doesn't take care of her children cuz she's too busy shopping, that he can't do anything without her pemission and stuff like that - he'll know it's the truth and it'll hurt him. They hurt me and I want to hurt them. I know it will hurt him what I will say to him. So the invitation to tell me what he thinks of me is actually an invitation to my net: I wanna catch my little fly and eat it for dinner.

 

He coaches my kids soccer and you should see that picture: he comes there in jeans and shoes and his wife is the assistant coach, she shows up in high heals, cuz she is 5 feet tall - it's grotesque. Their team is conctantly losing, cuz he is a shmuck. During the last game, I asked my son what the score was and he said 5:2 (against them). I couldn't believe him and he asked the "coach" what the score was and BIL said "I don't know." He didn't know the score! He is such a loser.

 

I told hubby to move out of the house. If he wants us out, he will have to call the police to get us out.

 

A little digression: as I was typing, I saw a "mouse" walking. I woke up hubby and he figured it could be our hamster. It turned out to be the hamster and thank God we caught him. He must have been out for a couple days, hungry and thirsty. I can imagine how much crap he left all over the house.

 

Gunny, I am not moving to the south. .

[marlena]

Honey,

You sound very angry as well you should be..but I think your anger is misdirected. As trashy and low class as these people sound, it is your husband who is enabling them to interfere in his marriage . He is a fifty year old man who needs to take responsiblity for what is happening in his very own home. He needs to stan up to them and tell them to mind their own business. Only and if he does that can he evn begin to work on his problems...his own deeper issues and the issues in his marriage. If he feels inferior to you, he needs to take a good look at himself and find out why. If he was never nurtured and loved in his family, he also has to see how this has affected his life and what he can do about it.

 

You could tell your BIL and his wife and his father exactly what you think of them (not that they don't know already) and of course it would give you some instant gratification but would it solve your problem? These people need to be kept at a distance and your husband needs to man up and do this, that is, if he desires to save his marriage.

 

I want to tell him that they are both low-class. In our house we talk about science, history, politics, philosophy - in their house they only gossip and talk about ME.

 

This RP is you. We can all see it in here. Hang on to this lovely person that you are and do not allow any of them to drag you down to their base level. Do not let this experience change you. Concentrate on your goal to become a lawyer (my daughter is one) and if your husband can't deal with an educated and refined woman such as you are then he will just have to go look for someone brainless bimbo. Maybe then he will be able to man up and look strong and mature in her eyes. Remember water reaches its own level.

 

You continue to be who you are and do not lose yourself in all this turmoil. As for the drinking, you need to stop (I know you don't want to hear this! I sure as hell didn't) but you are hurting your children as much as you are hurting yourself. They need a sober and stable mother to see them through this. Another thing that worries me is that these sore excuses of humans may USE this against youin a custody case. I wouldn't put it past them at all.

 

You need to decide whether you want to stay with this man if he is willing to shut out his family and concentrate on his own little nucleus family..you and the children. Do you think he is capable of this? Do you think there is a way or reaching him, of making him understand how much harm his inabilty to satnd up to his family is doing to you both? If not, then, you need to consider whether you might want to end the marriage. You are young and smart and pretty and the world is yours for the grabbing. Please, do not fret so...everything will work out for the best -it always does only we can't know that while it is unfolding.

 

Also, I agree with the other posters, you need to protect your interests and and some good legal advice. I have this feeling these people can and will play dirty !!

 

You have so much to look forward to. Your education, your kids and a new life in a new country. Do not despair. ..well, not for too long anyway!

 

You know if you ever visit your home country, I'm only a few hours' drive away.

 

Be strong!

 

Hugs

Marlena

[Gunny376]

Its not so much to the South that I'm suggesting ~ its rural America. Get away from the the Northeast, the West Coast, the East Coast, toward the interoior? The Cost of Living gets much, much cheaper!

 

I got out of the Corps with the idea of completing my degree in business and going on to law school?

 

That was 12 years ago! I've got a "so-called" step brother that's a lawyer? He's got the big house in "B~Town", and the lakeside cottage! He's broke! He doesn't have any money ~ although he's working his @as off to maintain his great credit! (12 to 16 hour days ~ six days a week) To pay the bills month to month!

 

"Meanwhile back in the woods of Alabama?"

 

I'm just gellin and chillin!

 

I don't drive a "Benz!" But I've got a more than decent ride!

 

I don't live on the rich side of town, but I've got a decent "crib"

 

The "nut" I've got to crack each month? Is around $300 a month!

 

I'm not living to work! I'm working to live!

 

Low stress! No stress! Out of the rat race!

 

Just canned this years last batch of tomatoes! Ready for this years batch of spaghitti sauce and chili!

 

Settling into the Jettro Tull's idea of life by the fire during the winter!

 

"Meanwhile back in the year one!"

 

Pass me some of that Gunny Chili and a Margartettivile!

 

RP?

 

Its time for your @ss to catch a bus to Mexico! (Shawshank Redemition!)

[Gunny376]

Gunny, I am not moving to the south.

 

 

"Damned you Scarlett! I personally don't GIVE a damn!"

 

 

Ref: "Gone With The Wind!"

[Gunny376]

"Damned you Scarlett! I personally don't GIVE a damn!"

 

 

Ref: "Gone With The Wind!"

 

It'll be interesting how you take this?

[crazy_grl]

This time I'll make others suffer. I was drunk and called the borhter last night and told him "I DO want to hear what you have against me!" hey he volunteered to come to my net, he wants to tell me what a bitch I am, and I want to tell HIM what an A-hole he is and I want to tell him in his face that when he was making jokes that his penis is sensitive for me _ THAT was a tasteless joke. But it was NOT a joke. His penis IS sensitive for me. I want to tell him that I know that he desires me and desired my husband's ex-wife. I want to tell him that his wife is a slut, she flirts with every guy she sees, and makes tasteless jokes about sex all the time. I want to tell him that his wife hasn't read a book in her life and goes shopping every day and spends $100,000 a year on clothes and shoes (I've never seen her in the same piece of clothing twice). I want to tell him that she is a bad mother, cuz she is never at home and her son is always hungry and literally barefoot outside in the cold. I want to tell him that she doesn't let him fly because "He needs to be at home while I am out shopping to baby-sit the kid" - she said. Bullkrap - her daughter is the live-in baby-sitter. A daughter she had with a Puerto Riccan guy who dumped her when he found out she was pregnant - not a happy situation, but she made up that they were married and that he threatened to seek custody over the child - a guy who never recognized the child as his, cuz he disappeared whuile she was pregnant. I want to tell him that they are both low-class. In our house we talk about science, history, politics, philosophy - in their house they only gossip and talk about ME. I want to tell them that when she complained that I didn't want to associate with her, I had a reason: I do not associate with empty-headed compulsive shoppers, I associate with intellectuals. I want to tell him that his wife has him on a short leash and everybody kknows it. I want to tell him that the little brother in Chicago who disowned the twins, did it because of HIM, not my husband. But he had to get rid of the whole package. I want to tell him that he is mean, evil, and full of venom (I already told him the venom part). I want to tell him that he disowned his wonderful mother because of his wife and his father. What son ditches his own mother for no reason?

 

I soooo think you should do this. Maybe it's not the most mature way to handle things, butI do love a verbal b*tch slapping.

 

Your husband needs to grow up. Why is a 50 year old is still letting his daddy run his life? I can't believe you put up with this sh*t for this long. Good riddance!!

[Melovator]

Hi RP I just read all your thread, that's a lot of cr@p you've gone through and are going through....

 

It sounds like your H and his family all thrive on drama, that no matter what person he is away from them, that when he's with them he gets sucked in. It all reads as rather toxic.

 

These people are constantly pissing in each other's pockets and you're getting splashed... and I appreciate righteous anger as much as the next woman but you don't have to piss on them back... unless you seriously believe you have the emotional energy to enter into a battle that's been going half a century!

 

They must thrive on it by now... Seriously, I wouldn't put is past the SIL to get a RO, she reads like silly bint who is soap opera enough to do it... so don't call them. Let the drama queens have their dramas off-stage in the great play that is your life. You are the star here!

 

What does RP do when H turns out to be an emotionally dysfunctional f**ktard? Has understandable period of complete emotional shattering followed by the rememberance that she is the only person in charge of her and her children's best interests! That she can put the bottle down, forget the out-laws phone numbers, go to the park, laugh, sing and dance, get her hair done, be all round great and fantastic, go to law school, buy a killer suit and a sexy pair of heels and roar at the world!

 

These people are sucking you into their drama, they do not deserve your emotional energy and they only want it to fuel their sad pathetic existences. You deserve better.

[RecordProducer]

Only and if he does that can he evn begin to work on his problems...his own deeper issues and the issues in his marriage.

Which part of "he wants a divorce" aren't you getting, Marlena? If he were the kind of person who would care about introspection and commitment, he wouldn't have been where he is in life.

 

If he feels inferior to you, he needs to take a good look at himself and find out why. If he was never nurtured and loved in his family, he also has to see how this has affected his life and what he can do about it.

He doesn't understand that his family has not given him enough love. His parents fought every day for 18 years before they divorced. His father is a cold person, but my husband doesn't know any better. I can't convince him that you can have a different relationship with your father. I am close friends with both my parents, my father knows EVERYTHING about my marriage. Hubby has a respect for his dad that's beyong the healthy dad-son relationship. He walks on eggs around him, but he believes this is how it should be. I don't think he would dare to open the fridge in his dad's house and grab a drink.

 

His father told me that I offended him when I said (14 months ago and he never told me this!), "I love Jews. Orange juice!" He said he is sensitive on the Jewish topic. I am Jewish myself!!!! I can see how he constructed the metaphor and it does sound like anti-semitic joke, but I didn't realize that at the time. It simply a joke. I told him that hubby made up that joke. Then, they laughed and said it was a stupid joke. I said "So you see how things get different when you know that somebody else made the joke?" I actually remembered later that he made the opposite joke "(I like orange juice - I love all Jews" is what he said). But that's not the point. The point is that they will make up that I insulted them on a religious basis even though I belong to the same religion. I wanted to ask him where was his etiquette when I offered him a spinach pie and he said "Spinach is for goats!" Not only that he showed lack of education (he's an engineer, btw), but he also showed disrespect toward me. You don't go to dinner to tell the hostess that her food is for goats. My mom said I shouldda asked him "Then why aren't YOU eating it?" Just a little insight into who these people are.

 

You could tell your BIL and his wife and his father exactly what you think of them (not that they don't know already) and of course it would give you some instant gratification but would it solve your problem?

When everything is over, I am going to tell them. No, I don't think they know. They know I think they are jerks, but I want to tell them why and I want to explain them with examples - BIL told me he wanted to give me specific examples of how I have insulted him. This is all bullkrap, of course, because he never said 'hi' or talked to me since day one. I know there are always two sides of a story in a marriage, but nothing will convince me that in the superficial, barely-existing relationship, in which I only brought smiles and small talk, I did anything to insult them. They started insulting me since I first got here. They also tried to present my kids as bad, BIL would call hubby every day to complain about them until he saw that it was pointless. "Your kids have written their name with their fingers in the dust of my car!" (How dared the two Eastern-European SOB's touch his precious convertible with their dirty fingers?) "Your kids have thrown a stone on a dead bird in my yard!" or "Your kids have hit my son savagely!" (Amazingly, his son kept coming to play with the "savages" every day). Speaking of this, their son has slept in our house many times and he always eats with us when he comes. Yet, SIL and BIL told hubby that if I am alone at home, the child is not allowed to stay, because "they don't trust me." They never wanted my kids in their house, but they don't trust ME. They put me in a position to feel that if the child eats in my house and gets sick, they're going to accuse me of giving him rotten food.

 

Well, I want to give them a true perspective of who they are. I want to remind them that while they are gossiping and shopping, there are people out there who read and take care of their children. While they are busy complaining about me, their son is wandering outside alone and hungry. While he is busy thinking about me, his teenage daughter writes songs about the senselessness of life and thinks about suicide and drinks and does drugs. SIL is teaching her daughter that spending thousands on clothes is right - instead of teaching her that there are more important things in life. Her daughter has ADHD and has problems at school, but hey, momma is too busy looking ofr ways to screw ME up - no time to sit down and study with her daughter. After all, money can buy tutors, too. It's not a mother's job to raise her kids anyway.

 

See, they don't realize that these things are obvious to some of us. They think if they dress up and make all the plates match with the silverware according to the rules, that they are ladies (SIL and his dad's wife). Oh, and about the tasteless jokes, I am going to ask him about the jokes that he made about his sensitive penis and how he bets I wouldn't be able to tell the difference if he sneaked into my bed. Even for someone who is open-minded like I am, that joke is pretty filthy. And he made such jokes with hubby's ex-wife, too. He did it in front of the gym trainer (he told me). When I talked to him on the phone, I told him "You're not happy with your wife, cuz she is bossy, but you can always divorce her." I think that was hilarious. He said "You are wrong about that, I am happy with my wife." Pretty unconvincing defensive answer. His father told me that they have problems in their marriage so I know for sure that he is not so happy. And they went to marriage counseling before. I want to tell him "How can someone that is so happy be so obsessed with me? I bet you dream about me, just like you dreamed of his ex-wife!" (a tall, thin blod beauty) I want to hear him defending himself. He will say that I am very wrong and I'll tell him "Really? Prove it! I'll take my clothes off and let's see if your sensitive penis doesn't get sensitive" No, I think I am going to skip the last part. I will talk to him from above, to show him that he is a petty, crawling, miserable creature, and if it weren't for my husband, I would never stepped into the pile of poo he represents. Oh, and I am going to remind him that his younger brother ditched him, that his twin brother ditched him, that his first wife ditched him and he ditched his own mother - what a great person, what a happy family. And I am going to tell him that my mother told me immediately that he's an ass and his wife is an idiot. She really did. Oh, and BIL also talked to me online pretending he was his wife (I can distinguish her typing from his, she is slow and makes a lot of errors), and all he was asking me was what's hubby in bed like and how do I like his dick. I told him he was great and he didn't believe I was honest. Apparently, there's some competition between the twins. Why would a brother need to know about his brother's performance in bed? It doesn't prove my love for him or anything. But he was hoping that I wouldn't glorify his brother's performance, I guess.

 

Another thing that worries me is that these sore excuses of humans may USE this against youin a custody case. I wouldn't put it past them at all.

Thanks for the advice, but the kids are mine, not his and he has no rights.

 

You need to decide whether you want to stay with this man...

... you need to consider whether you might want to end the marriage.

It's really not up to me to decide. He has already decided. You know, we were looking to buy a house, we were happy, he told me that my mom could come live with us some day, and then his brother said I wasn't invited and he a week later, he announced the divorce. When I tell him this, he laughs in my face and says his brother has nothing to do with this. Really? Am I an idiot or something?

 

Also, I agree with the other posters, you need to protect your interests and and some good legal advice. I have this feeling these people can and will play dirty !!

He is all concerned about the buck and 25 that he will lose. He can't forgive himself that he didn't make me sign the prenup before we got married, which stated that I get nothing in the first two years. But we didn't sign it until a couple months ago so I negotiated this. Funny thing, he agreed to $200 after one year, $300 after two etc. and after 5 years the agreement becomjes void. And yet, he kept complaining for months about the $125. That means he planned this divorce long time ago and he knew that the higher amounts would never be realized. I think he planned the divorce as soon as he saw that his family doesn't accept me. But what he doesn't understand is that they don't accept HIM. SIL has decided to get rid of hubby, she doesn't want him in her husband's life. I can bet whatever you want that she will want to separate hubby from his father, too! Now she feels strong, she is encouraged to do whatever she wants - she saw that everybody is on her side. Now she will ruin hubby. She hates him because he criticized her compulsive shopping, her motherhood, and that she doesn't let BIL fly. Hubby is gonna get it. I actually feel sorry for him. I see him in pain because of the $125 and I can't help but feel sorry for someone who has a wallet instead of a heart. My heart is broken, but it will heal. And he doesn't have one. I don't think a heartless person can ever be happy. He said i was greedy. I have nothing, I am jobless, and have two children, he has plenty and he is telling me that I am greedy. I asked him to stay in the house until the school year ends; he can leave if he doesn't want to be around me, and he said I should pay him rent. He is trying to re-negotiate the $125k now. He said he will support us for I dunno how long if I give up the $125k. He thinks I am naive. How could I ever fall in love with this heartless person? How is it that I didn't see it? I am lying. I saw it. I knew it. A few days after we first met, we had a fight about Clinton. I told him that Clinton bombed my children because of the Albanians who want a piece of Serbia (Kosovo) which has never been theirs. He said bombing me and my family was not necessarily a wrong thing, depending on the political particulars. While I might agree with this cold-hearted explanation, I think only a person with no heart could say such a thing. We could have died, and forgive me for not being crazy about the people who threw bombs at us! He doesn't miss any chance to tell me what a great president Clinton was and how smart he is. Oh, and "he didn't screw Monica, cuz he didn't want to cheat on his wife, maybe?" Gotta love that one!

 

Another re flag: when we hooked up, he kept his profile on the dating sites for three more months and tried to meet other women. I know nowadays this whole bunch of crap about exclusivity is popular, but nothing will convince me that these men are marriage material. And of course, the biggest red flag is the cold feet a day prior to our wedding date. I told him that he'd get cold feet IN the marriage, but he said once he's married, that's it. And another red flag was his brining the brother to Belgrade and his brother acting like a jerk. What was I thinking? How could I let myself fall in love with him?

 

You have so much to look forward to. Your education, your kids and a new life in a new country. Do not despair. ..well, not for too long anyway!

I just hope I will get accepted to some law school or if not law school, then I'll try something else. If I don't get a higher degree, I'd have to get an entry-level job that wouldn't even pay my bills.

 

You know if you ever visit your home country, I'm only a few hours' drive away.

I thought you're in the US. The SIL is from Greece! We might pay her a visit next year together.

 

Be strong!

Urgh.. that I am not, but I am trying. At least I have a good excuse to act like a bitch as much as I want.

 

 

 

Its not so much to the South that I'm suggesting ~ its rural America. Get away from the the Northeast, the West Coast, the East Coast, toward the interoior? The Cost of Living gets much, much cheaper!

There's a reason why it's much cheaper! If I get accepted to law school, I will go where my school is. After that I will go where my work will be. Eventually I will have to get a loan. I don't intend to study and work at the same time, cuz then my kids won't have a mother. And it's more important for them to have a mother than to have more money.

 

I've got a "so-called" step brother that's a lawyer? He's got the big house in "B~Town", and the lakeside cottage! He's broke! He doesn't have any money ~ although he's working his @as off to maintain his great credit! (12 to 16 hour days ~ six days a week) To pay the bills month to month!

The case of one unsuccessful lawyer won't scare me. There are people in all fields that do well and people who don't. Also, I've noticed that in America everybody has to have a huge house that they can't afford. In my book, it's not acceptable to owe the bank half a million and not have a problem with that. Husband's youngest brother recently declared bankrupcy, cuz he had a car accident and lost his job. The bank took his house, cuz apparently he can't afford it. And his wife left him with their daughters. What a lucky year!

 

"Meanwhile back in the woods of Alabama?"

I'm not living to work! I'm working to live!

 

Low stress! No stress! Out of the rat race!

I think you're trying to convince me to move in with you! C'mon, admit it, it did cross your mind!

[datingmum]

If you want things to work out, perhaps try picking up a copy of Homer McDonald's "Stop Your Divorce".

 

These methods appear to really work AND help you regain your own sense of balance.

 

My best wishes.

[mylifewillgoon]

RP, I am going through a separation but I am the older guy being dumped. Going to LS has me a lot. One thing I have been telling myself is I refuse to be dragged down by her and drowned by her mistake; instead I will swim upstream facing the challenge and prevail to be a better person eventually. I am particularly concerned about your drinking issues. I hope you won't give in to addiction. Since the separation, I have not touched alcohol 'cause it won't help me recover but slow it down.

 

To deal with the devastated situation, I am picking up an old hobby and developing a newer one to occupy my time.

 

One thing I recognized this is going to a diffiuclt battle and the battleground is actually inside ourselves and the only way we can win it is to defeat the nagativity inside us before we can outgrow the pain.

[RecordProducer]

What does RP do when H turns out to be an emotionally dysfunctional f**ktard? Has understandable period of complete emotional shattering followed by the rememberance that she is the only person in charge of her and her children's best interests! That she can put the bottle down, forget the out-laws phone numbers, go to the park, laugh, sing and dance, get her hair done, be all round great and fantastic, go to law school, buy a killer suit and a sexy pair of heels and roar at the world!

Melovator, your words are much appreciated. Thanks for the encouragement. By the way, I just realized that I don't want him. I really don't. Sure I am still kinda in love, in the sense that if he changed this moment and became what he is not, I would fall in love with him all over again. But he is not going to change, this is what he has to offer: his crappy family and this crappy marriage. I can't even get cock in this marriage.

 

Poor me, I'll start dating lots of guys in the near future. Poor me, some of them will not respect me in the morning. Poor me, I won't have to live with an 80-year old man when I am 62. He will be 62 in 12 years and he would have a 44-year old companion. But I, at 62, would have an 80-year old partner. Too bad, life won't be over in 30 years and I will go on cruises with somebody. Poor me, I'll get sex. Poor me, I am not going to be able to see my dear out-laws ever again. Poor me, I'll miss all his friends (just can't think of any right now). Poor me, I'll finally get some. Poor me, I am going to make tasteless jokes as much as I want. Poor me, there will be no one to tell me that I am not invited for Yom Kippur. Poor me, nobody will gossip about me. Oh, and did I mention that I'll get sex?

 

Thank you, guys, you all rock. I read your posts more than once. And what I like about this thread is that everyone has something different to say. But you all agree on one thing: I deserve better.

 

No more drinking. I am going back to working on my application. I need to finish my personal statement. Pity party is over. There is nothing to pity - but HIM. You can run away from everyone, but you can't run away from yourself. He will have to live with himself. Not that I am glad that he'll never find happiness in love, but at this moment it's certainly comforting. Of course, he thinks he will find someone. Yeah, someone better, that his family would love. She will be young-looking, sexy, beautiful, educated, intelligent, good-hearted, funny, fun-loving... trying to remember the things he stated he looked for in a woman on his dating profile. And she will have to kiss his father's and brother's ass. Such a woman doesn't exist and if she does, she is not sitting and waiting for him to pick her up. Whoever enters his life, it won't be long before he shows his true colors. His ex asked me if I am happy with him and I said "yes." I lied, but she seemed to believe me, which proves how stupid she is. I would never believe any woman if she told me that he is happy with him. I know him. His ex got along with his father, but not with BIL. I told him that it only proves that his father is on the same level as his ex (and trust me, that's very low).

 

I am so much better than they are. If I didn't come to the US thanks to him, I'd consider this marriage a major waste of time and energy, not so much because of him, but because of his family. When my first husband left me, I was devastated. The kids were two years old, I was jobless and had no one but my mom. Now, I look back at our divorce in the same manner as when you recall how you avoided a terrible accident; if he didn't dump me, I don't think I would have the courage to do it for many years. I would have still been unhappy, suicidal, drowning in alcohol, trying to impress his mother and transform my mind into something more similar to him in order to survive the difference. When I look at old pictures, I see myself for who I was then and it was disgusting. My ex is very low class and I had to become like him to follow him. Of course I never did, that's why we divorced, but the crippled metamorphosis was destructive.

 

In this marriage, again I had to become not-me. My real voice was never really heard and when it was heard, it was not appreciated. I was expected to become like them, narrow and mean, but submissive. Wow! I can't believe I am having this breakthrough after only a few days. Of course, it still hurts, but much less when I can see this, not as some horrible injustice that I am submitted to, but as a salvation. I really have better things to do in life than to try hard to impress a bunch of self-centered jerks.

 

I figure, he wants to keep the kids, and I also think he wants to keep me around. He has a double agenda with the "I want shared custody" plan. He is only doing this to please his father. He is trying to buy his love. He wants to be officially divorced to please them but keep us in his life to please himself. But that won't work. First of all, I don't think that I will stay in the area, the few law schools here are too good for me to get in so I will very possibly have to move. And he doesn't want me to stay in this house, because then the out-laws will feel that he didn't do a good job or getting rid of me properly. It's really so sad that he is sacrificing his own happiness just to please his evil father. He needs to see how it is on the other side of the fence. But when he sees that it's a very lonely life, when he starts missing us like crazy, when he wakes up alone and goes to bed alone every day, when he starts eating every meal in the local diner ALONE, when he sees that everybody has a family and he is all alone, he will look for us. But I promised myself that no matter what I will not go back to him. I did the back-and-forth type of thing with my ex and every time it was getting worse and worse. When you split with someone, it indicates two important things: the relationship was not healthy and the dumper sees separation as a means to resolve problems. Whenever you deal with a my-way-or-the-highway type of person, it never works. He doesn't want a loving family? he wants to be alone, he wants to meet someone better, he wants to please his family? hey, I only have one life to live and I am not going to waste it on losers. He is a loser. A 50-year old man who has nothing in life, no one to take care of, no one to take care of him, is a loser. And boy does he hate to be alone! Well, he's gonna face a long silence. When he hears his own breathing, he will realize what he did to himself. And it gets very quiet and dark here in the suburbs. And he doesn't even work anymore, he is retired. When he starts dating all the women that he didn't want three years ago, he'll see whom he lost. He'll regret this big time. I know it. He doesn't realize that divorce means RP and the little rps are not going to be around anymore. I really think that he imagines this divorce as if everything will stay the same, but his family will be happy (and we'll live on different addresses). He told me that he imagined this as I find a place that's close to his house, the kids keep going to the same school (the schools are better in the suburbs), and we share custody. And I assume we'll sleep in the same bed every night? He hates to sleep alone, he gets very upset if I don't go to bed at the same time. He was dating his ex after the divorce, but she was dating another guy at the same time! So he was just the other man. I think it bothers him that the $125k is giving me some independence. I just don't know how he can not consider the fact that I will probably go to school elsewhere. That means we're gone for good.

[marlena]

Which part of "he wants a divorce" aren't you getting, Marlena? If he were the kind of person who would care about introspection and commitment, he wouldn't have been where he is in life.

 

Can't argue there! You're right. If he were capable of thinking introspectively or just plain thinking for HIMSELF then he wouldn't be where he is (or rather isn't) in his life.

 

I can't convince him that you can have a different relationship with your father. I am close friends with both my parents, my father knows EVERYTHING about my marriage. Hubby has a respect for his dad that's beyong the healthy dad-son relationship. He walks on eggs around him

 

No, you can't. I'm not even sure that he can. The kind of relationship you have with your parents is one that is established in childhood and cultivated over the years. If his father is as cold as you say, he has been conditioned to think this is the way parent/children relationships should be. His father is who he is and not all the wishing in the world is going to turn this insensitive, cold and domineering person into an affectionate, kind and loving man. This is the type of father role model your H had and nothing can change that. Walking on eggs around a person is not respect, as you know. It is FEAR. Your husband never overcame his fear. He would have had to mature in order to face his father and consequently his fear of him. Sad, really.

 

My mom said I shouldda asked him "Then why aren't YOU eating it?"

 

Good on your mom! Smart lady! Maybe we Balkan savages can torture him by tying him up and stuffing pounds of feta cheese down his throat! God, how CRASS and VULGAR can one get!!! He needs to be taught some manners!

 

 

I told him that Clinton bombed my children because of the Albanians who want a piece of Serbia (Kosovo) which has never been theirs. He said bombing me and my family was not necessarily a wrong thing, depending on the political particulars. While I might agree with this cold-hearted explanation, I think only a person with no heart could say such a thing. We could have died, and forgive me for not being crazy about the people who threw bombs at us! He doesn't miss any chance to tell me what a great president Clinton was and how smart he is. Oh, and "he didn't screw Monica, cuz he didn't want to cheat on his wife, maybe?" Gotta love that one!

 

 

So, I guess, when he was over in Serbia he just loved seeing all the tourist attractions...the bombed buildings and all! Sheesh! Oh! And the Monica thing,give me a bucket to vomit this one out! Is this guy for real? What twisted can a person's values be?

 

(How dared the two Eastern-European SOB's touch his precious convertible with their dirty fingers?)

 

Yeah, I did suspect it was a racist thing. Not surprising at all. He is after all ignorant and arrogant..He thinks he is superior because he is American and loaded, too! People like him give America a bad name!

 

And that online prank! Sheesh! That is SICK! What self- respecting, mature and educated person would play sick games like that?

 

I thought you're in the US. The SIL is from Greece! We might pay her a visit next year together

 

Now SHE gives Greece a bad name!!! I think I'll switch back to my American identity!!! Just joking. There are always a few of them bad apples in the bunch!

 

About the red flags, they were surely there and yes you did know. We all do but we go ahead with it anyway! I am guilty of the same major error! I knew what who I was marrying too! But I stupidly went ahead with it. So, don't beat yourself up over this one! You are not the first nor will you be the last. But I learned (it took me years) and I am more careful now. I get out once those banners start to waver in front of my face! And so will you.

 

RP,

You married into a very dysfunctional family. But remember, you didn't marry them. You marrried your husband! Best to keep these people at bay. They are just plumb NUTS!!! And if your husband has decided to put these loonies over you, then, perhaps you should just walk away and save your own sanity and your children's!

 

You will, I know, do what you have too. You are gutsy and real . The strength will follow.

 

From one savage to another , big, big hugs!

 

Thnk I'll go have some spinach pie!!!

[marlena]

There is nothing to pity - but HIM

 

Precisely!

 

Whoever enters his life, it won't be long before he shows his true colors. His ex asked me if I am happy with him and I said "yes." I lied, but she seemed to believe me, which proves how stupid she is. I would never believe any woman if she told me that he is happy with him. I know him

 

This I can guarantee you!

[sb129]

RP- welcome back, sorry its under such sh***y circumstances.

 

For what its worth, I think you will be better off without your H.

 

I have belonged to LS for a year now, and for the last year i can remember hearing mostly bad stuff about your Hs horrible family, and feeling as if you tolerated alot of BS that you shouldn't have had to deal with at all.

 

Its time for you to move on.

 

You deserve better, and I think you are strong enough to get it.

[OldEurope]

Hey Babe,

 

First the "nationality" bit, which we like and don't like here: I too am of East European origin, and my ancestors were political figures and the directors of world-class ballets and there is more cultivation and intellect in the pinky finger of one my relatives than a whole stable of this trailer trash you describe. PS I was in Serbia during the first go-around of bombing and the whole Kosovo issue is such garbage. America and Europe won't ever understand what will next emerge in the Balkans as a result of their idiocy.....

 

Okay...That rant aside, my dear, it is clear that this man is too weak to protect you from the conniving manipulations of this family of his, and of course you will be hurt and devastated for some time about the whole ordeal. However, that this has been about two years worth of marriage is "good" for you: there is not a whole life story as yet invested. Count your blessings that this is happening sooner, rather than later.

 

I am for your getting out of there. Coming from a European capital like Belgrade (I was there not too long ago, very impressed), you will not fit, I believe in the South--I love areas of the South, but this is a cultural question. Of course, Gunners was speaking from the point of view of monetary practicality and getting your financial picture in order and he is a doll. Europeans who stay in the States have to hover around where a good museum and good Philharmonic are to be found. Not that you might care and not to bring the Old World to the New, but just FYI there is a very large very succesful Serbian American community in Chicago, which is a wonderful place. Not too overwhelming like New York, a little more than Philly. I see you there or San Fran. But I see you in an animated, "intellectual" place that is not too too huge.

 

BTW...not to bring these absurdities up once again but really...the whole Jewish joke business was so lame. If that is what is lighting their fire...please. Get me outta here.

 

And RP, not to go off on a moralistic tangent, but do remember that dignity is the most vital thing. Because even if we kill all the animals to eat them, when they are all dead--we die too. When all is lost, only self-esteem will rescue you and keep you on the right forward march. Please do not lose perspective.

 

Coast, ride, glide this out, no big moves or big statements just yet and no tirades against the brother. He and they are beneath you. Relocate when you can to the kind of place where you belong. America has many sides, but the right people find the right part of it, and when you do, you go forth and conquer (Law schools as well as men!) as you were meant to. As a certain great American (Italian American this time) crooner once sang: The Best is Yet to Come!

 

Love

OE

[RecordProducer]

If you want things to work out, perhaps try picking up a copy of Homer McDonald's "Stop Your Divorce".

 

These methods appear to really work AND help you regain your own sense of balance.

 

My best wishes.

Thanks for the wishes and the suggestion. I really wonder how that book can work, but I am not going to read it anyway. I don't want him anymore. He wants to lose me - I'll fulfill his wish.

 

One thing I recognized this is going to a diffiuclt battle and the battleground is actually inside ourselves and the only way we can win it is to defeat the nagativity inside us before we can outgrow the pain.

I am sorry about your pain. You're right about the negativity; I feel so much better now that I realized that this is actually good for me. Maybe it doesn't seem like the best time for me, but who can tell when is the best time? I was thinking the same with my previous separation and now I am glad that it happened sooner rather than later. We should accept life as is and not construct scenarios in our heads.

 

If he has a plane crash with his girlfriend next year, will I still be saying we should have stayed married longer? See my point? If I meet someone great next September, won't I be happy that the divorce is behind me? Grieving over love is unnecessary because you don't really know what you're grieving over. You don't know which doors the breakup opened for you. My grandpa got into an argument at work when he was young. He got fired and later, he got a job in the ministry and became a big shot. He would have never achieved that without being fired from the first job. But his success has a lot to do with who he is because if he were a shmuck he wouldn't have gotten into an argument with his bosses, seeking justice. My point: everything in life, except death and illness, is good. One thing is inevitably leading to another and eventually things make sense, at least in retrospect. Because you met someone, you went to this place and there you met someone else and they gave you this idea... get it?

 

It is FEAR.

He is just a cold person, he never beat them or anything like that.

 

So, I guess, when he was over in Serbia he just loved seeing all the tourist attractions...the bombed buildings and all! Sheesh! Oh! And the Monica thing,give me a bucket to vomit this one out! Is this guy for real? What twisted can a person's values be?

Hahah, you made me laugh. About the buildings, he tried not to look at them. I guess he wasn't impressed by the architecture?

 

Yeah, I did suspect it was a racist thing. Not surprising at all. He is after all ignorant and arrogant..He thinks he is superior because he is American and loaded, too! People like him give America a bad name!

Actually he is not. He is giving the Jewish people a bad name, but he came to the US when he was 10. They grew up in Israel, but their parents grew up in Poland. I don't think it's any type of shovinism in his case, I think it's just that he doesn't respect me because I am not wealthy. I don't have a family here so they can kick me as much as they wish, which ultimately speaks of their characters. My dad said "If you were a billionaire, would they tell you that you should have tried harder to leave a good impression?" Yeah, it boils down to the fact that they disrespected me because they could afford it!

 

In any case, it's over and I am glad to get out of this snakes' nest. I've been bitten by them so many times, it's not even funny. I always thought that people can't be so bad as to enjoy hurting someone for no reason, unless in some extreme cases of mental disorders. Well, I experienced a whole family of angry snakes who were all over me. I can't picture myself living like that forever.

you should just walk away and save your own sanity and your children's!

Righto!

 

Thnk I'll go have some spinach pie!!!

With some orange juice?

[IpAncA]

I haven't been following your whole situation but I am sorry divorce is happending. I do hope that you'll be okay and your children too.

[sb129]

If I meet someone great next September, won't I be happy that the divorce is behind me? Grieving over love is unnecessary because you don't really know what you're grieving over. You don't know which doors the breakup opened for you.

 

 

Exactly. Go RP!

[tommyr]

RecordProducer,

I have no helpful advice to offer. Hope you are having a good day, and I hope you continue posting your story on here. Reading about the tough times that others get through (with dignity intact) is inspiring.

[RecordProducer]

Its time for you to move on.

OE, so glad to see you again. Me agrees with you.

 

Thanks for all the words of comfort and encouragement. Special thanks on the compliments of my old city. I don't miss it though. I am not Serbian and I never liked the mentality there. A country where a woman is a second-class citizen and there are so many rude, low class people is not for me. They are not necessarily bad people, but primitivism is prevalent in those regions.

my dear, it is clear that this man is too weak to protect you from the conniving manipulations of this family of his,

Husband saw this comment over my shoulder and said "I am not weak, I protected you the best I could and fought for what I thought was right." I told him "I know you did and you have integrity, but you don't realize that if you were a strong person, you would have never integrated your family into our marriage and you wouldn't have cared about what they think of your wife. And the fact that you did let them and that you're so codependent on them makes you weak." He admitted that he couldn't take the pressure from all of us anymore, but he doesn't admit that this divorce has anything to do with them. I said, "Of course, you're not willing to admit that your father and brother ruined your marriage. If my reactions to their insults were the thing that broke up this marriage, then I don't regret them one bit. Because I can't put up with their crap anymore. If I were meek, maybe we would have stayed together, but I could never be happy living in that hostile environment. I reacted how I reacted cuz there's so much sh*t that I can take. And I know who I am, and you know who I am. I didn't come here and attack them all. They did it and there was nothing that I could do to improve the situation. Even when I said nothing and just smiled, they complained. I thought they'd stop sooner or later, but they make things worse and worse. I just can't tak eit anymore."

 

My dad said "You're so OK with the situation now, if things rescind, you're not going to be happy about it."

 

very large very succesful Serbian American community in Chicago,

Don't mean to poop on your sweet intentions, but . I am trying to stay away from the Serbians. I ran away from there because I didn't want to live on the Balkans. I am not going to revoke the Balkans here in America.

 

which is a wonderful place. Not too overwhelming like New York, a little more than Philly. I see you there or San Fran. But I see you in an animated, "intellectual" place that is not too too huge.

Awww, you're so sweet. And you guessed well that I need a big city to live in. I am not even comfortable in the suburbs, I need concrete and crowd. Unfortunately, I will have to combine several factors: school, safety, good school for my kids, cost of living. I love Philly and NYC and Chicago, but I can't see how I would manage financially in those cities. And frankly, I don't feel like living in a crappy apartment in a dangerous neighborhood with two little boys. Safety is a number one priority. Oh, I have another one: it has to be far away from my STBX.

 

And RP, not to go off on a moralistic tangent, but do remember that dignity is the most vital thing. Because even if we kill all the animals to eat them, when they are all dead--we die too. When all is lost, only self-esteem will rescue you and keep you on the right forward march. Please do not lose perspective.

You are right. Well, now I feel much better about the whole thing so I won't do any stupid self-humiliating things anymore. Frankly, I don't give a rat's ass about whether I have embarassed myself in front of them or whatever they think of me. They are not important. They are just cockroaches.

 

He and they are beneath you. The Best is Yet to Come!

Thank you, OE. There are some wonderful women out there (like you guys) that I would gladly befriend. I hope to meet some wherever I live. Now that I don't have my mom here, I really need a good woman's friendship.

[marlena]

He is just a cold person, he never beat them or anything like that.

 

 

Sometimes RP people can intimidate us without ever raising a hand to us. It may be through their words (often unspoken), their actions or reactions, their disapproval or rejection of us or simply through their mere presence ... Personally, I find that even more frightening than a slap across the face!

 

About the buildings, he tried not to look at them.

 

Ah! but they are hard to miss. You should have sent him to Mostar or Sarajevo! Maybe they would have been eye - openers! But, then, again, how can you make a blind person see?

 

I think it's just that he doesn't respect me because I am not wealthy.

 

Oh, the discriminating powers of the rich!! Class distinctions coming from people with no class at all! That's rich!

 

 

One thing is inevitably leading to another and eventually things make sense

 

Yes, everything happens for a reason. Like your grandfather (I guess you took after him, huh?) once you close this door, a new and better one will open for you, RP. Of that I am sure!!!

 

I think I'll skip the orange juice for now!!

 

Hugs, dear

[petuniababy]

I will be getting some money after the divorce and I absolutely trust him that he would help me whith whataver I would need. I don't need money to be happy.

 

Honey, believe me, you are sad right now, and I understand that. I feel for you. I have been there, and it was devastating. BUT, never TRUST anyone to do the right thing. Divorce has a funny way of creating the continental divide amongst two people who loved each other immensely. We will be here for you for your emotional well being. There are caring souls here that want to see you heal and be happy. Find a good attorney that will look out for you financially. Not a crook who will go for his juggular, just someone who will be fair. You don't need money to be happy, but it will help you get back on your feet while you're feeling too distraught to take care of yourself the way you should. It will sustain you while you figure out your next moves in life. And it'll keep the internet on so you can come heal your soul with us. . Hang in there girl. It will get better, and someday you'll find yourself in a relationship you actually deserve.

[norajane]

RP - get a lawyer. I know you have the post-nup and you are intelligent, but that doesn't mean you can't benefit from objective legal advice from someone who is an expert. It's not just you - it's your kids. You need an airtight legal settlement, and you ought to fight for everything you are legally entitled to.

 

As a future lawyer, you know what they say: "A man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client." And I know you are no fool.

[RecordProducer]

Thanks for replying, everyone. Petunia, I appreciate your concern. I really don't think though that he would not help me if I needed his help. A lawyer may tell me that I could take him to court and ask for more money. I am totally not that kind of person. I don't think it's fair of me to ask for more than $125k. I might need him some day. What if I lose my legs and somebody needs to take care of the kids? What if I need a co-signer for my student's loan? What if I need help in financing my kids' education some day? What if I get in some kind of trouble? He is the only person I have in the United States and beside the fact that I love him and always will and I believe he will always love me and the kids, I do have faith that I can count on him when the chips are down. Finally, demolishing the only bridge I have doesn't seem like a wise move. But this is not about me counting on using him if necessary. Mostly, it's because if something goes wrong in my life, I will need a friend. And he is my friend.

 

I know you guys are afraid that I might end up in the street with two kids and I appreciate your concern immensely. I just think that there are two paths in every divorce and we can choose the positive or the negative one. I am trying to choose the positive one and I believe it's the right thing to do for me and for my kids. I don't want to give them an example of a greedy, bitter, and ungrateful person. Sometimes you don't get in life all you want and sometimes it's hard and they need to see that their mother is able to cope and re-build her life. It's bad enough that they've heard me screaming and crying, but that's human. However, to fight for the last penny is not a value I want to instill in them. I want to teach them to let go of things that will inevitably die - with dignity.

 

I don't want him to regret the day he met me. I want him to regret the day he let me go.