My husband is divorcing me

[norajane]

HE has a lawyer, RP. HE is getting legal advice. HE has chosen to have his interests represented and protected by an expert.

[PWSX3]

Sounds like you might be bored & need a vacation so I'm inviting you out here to my fine state & while you are here you can climb a few mountains & when you feel like you are dieing because you can't catch your breath then you will have some time to think & figure things out. :laugh:

 

Funny how when you can't breath that you start thinking differently....

 

You need to hurry because the snow is coming in & that will make it even harder.

 

Sorry Gunny, mountains are a lot better then the south & all that humidity.

[marlena]

RP,

 

I agree. If this can be resolved amicably, yes, it is the higher road to take. And yes, you will be setting a better example for your twins. No need to fight dirty if he doesn't. We may all have your best interests at heart, but the fact is, you do know this man better than anyone.

[norajane]

RP,

 

I agree. If this can be resolved amicably, yes, it is the higher road to take. And yes, you will be setting a better example for your twins. No need to fight dirty if he doesn't. We may all have your best interests at heart, but the fact is, you do know this man better than anyone.

 

Getting a lawyer doesn't mean she will be fighting dirty or unfairly. In fact, the whole point of a lawyer representing you is to get a fair settlement, not one that is driven by emotions. And having the attorneys removes the possibility that an unfair settlement will be reached.

 

RP, the lawyer works for you - you can tell him what you want and don't want. I'm afraid your husband's attorney is going to provide him with advice and you are going to get railroaded because you think doing this on your own will guarantee this will be friendly.

[Art_Critic]

Remember that a divorce isn't romantic..

The idea that he might cosign a loan for you later ( after the divorce ) and that kind of stuff is far too romantic of an outlook.

I'm not saying he won't.. but he will sooner or later move on and that will dictate that the romantic divorce ends.

 

When I divorced my ex came back several times looking for money and loans..There were times I did give her money.. Normally when it had to do with her daughter who was diabetic ( I bought her insulin pump.. those kind of things )..

But after a while I was dating other people and to be honest I wanted to be rid of the idea that I was her banker..

 

So I told her no more.. That never hurt our after divorce relationship but it was a boundary for me that had to be met.

 

Your STBXH will most likely not help you too much after the divorce.. he might help you get setup...but once his life proceeds and he starts dating other women he will no longer want to be tied to you..

 

Spend the money and get some legal advice from an Attorney. Having and attorney does not mean that things will get nasty.. The attorney works for you.

 

and Yes.. A baby boy.. Due on Feb 29th.. We are both looking forward to having him in our lives..

Thanks for asking RP...

[Melovator]

I just think that there are two paths in every divorce and we can choose the positive or the negative one. I am trying to choose the positive one and I believe it's the right thing to do for me and for my kids. I don't want to give them an example of a greedy, bitter, and ungrateful person. Sometimes you don't get in life all you want and sometimes it's hard and they need to see that their mother is able to cope and re-build her life. It's bad enough that they've heard me screaming and crying, but that's human. However, to fight for the last penny is not a value I want to instill in them. I want to teach them to let go of things that will inevitably die - with dignity.

 

I don't want him to regret the day he met me. I want him to regret the day he let me go.

 

You're singing to the choir here RP! Dignity is the word! One completely under-rated in a world with Paris Hilton et. al. Who wants to fight for money? It comes and it goes. But fighting for dignity- who wouldn't fight for something you can keep a lifetime or more?

 

That said it might not hurt to have a chat with a lawyer just in case H get's goaded by his family into complete f**ktardery.

[GALT]

We have a post-nup that states that I get $125k so I do not need an attorney. Moreover, I told him that if he wants to see the kids regularly (as he says), he needs to provide them with good housing in a safe neighborhood, with a good school, food, clothes, and health insurance; if not, he takes no responsibility for them as his own kids and thus has no right to see them or pretend to be their father. I am a future attorney myself!

 

RP--$125K is nothing. When I divorced, I stayed in the house and bought her a new place (free and clear), a car (free and clear) and $100K in cash in the bank. Custody was 50-50 and I refused to put my kids in a lesser lifestyle. Fast forward 7 years and the $100K was gone in less than a year, the house has been remortgaged many times over and the car was not cared for.

 

Your post-nup could be invalidated and to be honest holding the boys over his head will not work--they are not his children and he has only known them for a few years. As much as you would like to think so--he will not be a part of their lives. He has screwed you over many times--why is this any different?

 

He has a history of telling you what you want to hear to get his way. Think about it.

 

Remember the bloody mattress and how you cut it up? He could (and probably will) say that he was intimidated and scared of you and signed the post nup under duress. All of a sudden your $125K is gone.

 

You have not been married long enough to be entitled to half of the home, and so forth. To be honest, I would not be surprised if he does not paint you as a mail order bride and request you be deported.

 

There are a lot of issues here and you MUST go get an attorney--and get a GOOD one. Because you want to be an attorney does not mean you have any knowledge of divorce law in PA.

 

THe guy is a manipulator and has used you as his plaything. He is tired of it now, and is casting you off. You are just another short lived marraige to him and it is probably his MO to marry and run.

[whichwayisup]

GALT is giving you the worst case senario...Please, RP, just think about talking to a lawyer....

 

If your H and his twin make up and make nice, well, you know how much influence they have over him...I would HATE to hear that he changed his mind because of their influences over him...It could happen. Never say never.

 

I know he won't throw you out in the street with your boys, but he could make life quite difficult for you.

[RecordProducer]

Guys, I am wondering if you missed the information that we have a post-nuptial agreement, which means I signed that in case of divorce I get $125k and I gave up my right to alimony or anything else. No lawyer will tell me that the postnup is not valid and that I can get a different settlement. The only thing I could do is take him to court if he does not pay the amount (he wouldn't do this, not only because he is a good guy, but also because it would make him a law-breaker). Or I could sue him and try to annul the postnup to get more, which I think would be dirty and I really wouldn't do that. I just want to leave this snakes' nest and move on, without looking back or putting myself, him, and the kids through trauma. This, in fact, is a lucky situation for me, because I would have lived in this sexless marriage with the in-laws' interference forever.

 

I came here to this beautiful country and I've lived in a box: within four walls taking care of the three of them. I had no life, no love, no friends, no family, no career, and I had snakes biting my neck constantly. There's a world out there, there's life waiting for me. So far he and his family were defining my days, my mood, my activities, my feelings. From now on it will be ME who will determine how I wil live. Life will be what I will make of it, not what he and his pathetic family.

 

Tonight is SUL's daughter b/day and WE were invited (me, too). Hubby wanted me to go and I told him that BIL and I are in very bad terms and apart from the fact that I don't want to go, I also feel that it's inappropriate for me to show up there. They don't want me there and I don't want to be where I am not wanted. After calling BIL an ass hole, I don't think I should go. He said I could just show up and say I am sorry. I told him "See, even when it's over, after all he did to me, you think that I should apologize to him. I always wanted to repair this marriage, but you only cared about repairing my relationship with them. And I don't want to repair it, I just want out of this nightmare. I just realized today that I've spent so many days thinking about how I am going to defend myself from their next attack, trying to figure out what I might have done to offend them. On the Jewish New Year's celebration, I told the kids that one of the meats was pork and BIL corrected me that there's no pork on Jewish holidays. I was scared that they would attack me about not knowing that, that I am not a real Jewish woman, that the joke I made about the orange juice was really anti-Jewish. I've lived in fear of them throughout the whole marriage. And now that it's over, I am only glad. I will never again let anyone insult me the way they did."

 

Of course, he commented it with "Good, leave ASAP." I said I would. He went to the b/day party with the kids. Funny, he said if I don't go, he won't either, but then he changed his mind. When I don't keep my word, which happens rarely, I am Satan, but when he doesn't, it gets forgotten instantly.

 

I decided not to worry about any particulars right now. I'll take it one step at a time. I'll figure everything out. No matter how uncomfortable, NOTHING will be as uncomfortable as putting up with his family and craving affection and sex from him.

 

Arty, I get what you're saying, but I am not entitled to him or his money. I get what I signed for and I will stay in this house until the end of the school year. After that I am on my own. And I'll be fine. But in order to be fine, I need to work on the applications now. I only have about four weeks left for the early admissions so as of tomorrow I will be working on that with full steam. If I get accepted into ANY law school, I will be happy. Oh, I also have $30k that's mine so it's not so bad. When I graduate I'll get a job and support us like all other Americans do. As for him, I feel sorry for him. I really do. He is losing a woman who loved him to death. He could have had agreat marriage with me, but he never gave us a chance, because he cared too much about his family. So he gets to keep the family and I must move on. By the way, their father told BIL that it wasn't right not to invite me for Yom Kippur. I told hubby that THAT's why he invited me now, cuz he got criticized. He said that's not why. Well, he either lied that his dad said that or he is trying to make a fool out of me - nothing new.

 

I wasted time and energy on these people. Nothing will ever bring those days and nerves to me. I could have invested that energy helping abused children or doing something constructive. I really have better things in life than working my ass off to leave a good impression on people who consider you guilty a priori. Being poor for 3-4 years is too small a price to pay for getting out of this nightmare.

 

GALT, he is really not that kind of person. Don't worry so much, but thanks for worrying anyway. Drive up here, let's have lunch sometime! BTW, your divorce was after three kids and ten years of marriage, right? It's not the same. He can't just go to court and say that he was forced. Both our lawyers know he was not and how could a foreign woman with barely any rights force a successful businessman into a postnup? No judge would buy the story. If he goes to court, he risks to lose more. He is actually very upset that I don't want to share custody with him and he wants me to find a place close to his house. It sems like I am the one who wants out completely, he wants it to be half way out.

 

I do have a lawyer, a very expensive one and I am not stupid. If he pulls some mud, I'll figure out what to do. Frankly, if I enroll into a school that's far away from here, I have a feeling he will be begging me not to leave.

 

Another good thing in this whole situation is that right now, for the first time in my life, I am totally not craving a man. I hope it lasts long enough.

[Ladyjane14]

Brava RP! Brava!!!

[climbergirl]

Hey RP,

 

First, I think everyone on LS will concur that you are in no way a stupid woman. I'm confident that your brain is working double time to protect yourself. And if I'm ever in need of a lawyer....

 

As an aside, I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I had some advice to give or words to make you feel better, but with this so fresh, I don't think anything I could say would make you feel better...except that I'm sorry that you're hurting.

 

But it is a testament to your character that you're forcefully pulling through this and no longer putting up with sh*t that you have in the past (family and such).

 

You'll not only be 'ok', but you'll be great. I'm sure of that.

[RecordProducer]

Brava RP! Brava!!!

For what? Yeah, I am fishing now, but in these moments I need some praise for a change!

 

And if I'm ever in need of a lawyer....

Climbergirl, rest assured that if I become a lawyer, I will gladly give free consultation whenever I can. Helping people is the best gift one can give to themselves and I don't understand people who only do their job when paid.

 

You'll not only be 'ok', but you'll be great. I'm sure of that.

Aww, thanks.

[RecordProducer]

I am getting into a sad mood again. Not devastated, just sad.

I know this breakup is inevitable and healthy for me, but nonetheless it's flushing away a lot of love together with the bad things.

[Trialbyfire]

I am getting into a sad mood again. Not devastated, just sad.

I know this breakup is inevitable and healthy for me, but nonetheless it's flushing away a lot of love together with the bad things.

I can relate to this very easily RP. Same thing happened to me but you know what? There's really a wonderful world out there, after divorce. ((hugs))

[michelangelo]

RP

 

Hang in there!

 

You have friends to lean on. I'm sorry for your pain, but I know you will persist and grow to happiness in the next phase.

[Gunny376]

Even rats know when to get off of a sinking ship! The only difference between your marriage and the Titantic? It had a band playing as she went down!

 

RP when we get married ~ we think we're marrying just one person?

 

But in truth?

 

We're marrying at least three difrerent people ~ posibily four or five!

 

The first? Is the person that you think you're marrying?

 

The second? The person your actually are marrying!

 

The third? The person that comes about as a result of having married you!

 

The fourth? The person that you meet in divorce court ~ as in ~ "I can't belive that's the same person that I've been married to all these years!

 

The fifth? The person they become after the divorce!

 

When it comes to trust? "In God I trust! All others must sign!"

 

Its like the guy told his preacher ~ "You know preacher! There's only two people in this whole world I trust! That you and the Good Lord Jesus ~ ...............................trouble is? I've got my doubts about your azz!"

 

And its been my general experience ~ that when your engaged in a adverse relationship with someone? And they're being super nice? Look out! They're usually getting ready to (a) throw your happly self under the bus, or (b) they know that you can throw them under one!

 

And even I could make a pretty damn good case of the fact that

 

1. He brought your happy ass over here under false pretenses and expectations

 

2. "Forced" or otherwised persuaded you to sign a pre-nuptial agreement, that you did without advice of counsel and without full knowledge and understanding of your rights under the laws of the United States and the State of PA.

 

When it comes to pre-nups? Most of them aren't worth the paper their written on! More and more courts are throwing them out! Why? Because of pressure from NOW (National Organization of Women) and other femin-nazi groups ~ the courts are ruling that an individual cannot sign away thier rights!

 

So at the very least you need to cosult with three (Yesthree! To make sure they're all singing off the same sheet of music!) to just find out what your rights are!

 

In so far as the post-nuptial agreement? If the DH is such a freaking nice guy? He wouldn't mind putting any of those "I'll always be there for you and your children ~ should the need arise? ~ in writting and signing the dotted line, now would he?

 

From your description of hm and his so-called "good intentions" I don't think it at all un-resonable for your attorney to throw in a couple of "Yea, but................" clauses into the divorce papers? And they don't have to be "preditory?" Just legally binding agreement that the DH will do A, B, C, should you and the boys find yourself in X, Y, Z type situations?

 

If he's such a stand up guy? I don't see why he would have any problem in doing this ~ and this would give him an "out" with any furture romantic interest should he become involved with someone else ~ that potentionally might get PO and / or jealous about his helping you down the line!

 

Honestly? Since he brought you over here from Serbia? I don't think it would be un-reasonable for him to at least pay your way through law school? Hell? He's the one that brought your happy ass over here from another country ~ a country where you don't have any family or friends. He's the one that initially wanted the divorce?

 

And it sounds as though he has the means to do so? What is all the more ~ until he came up with the initial idea of divorce? He was the one that was going to pay for it anyway? Right! So WTF?

 

And your not getting ugly nor nasty about it? You're just asking him to help you get to a position in life where you can stand on your own to feet, and be independent and self supporting so that eventually you and he can be free of each other?

 

After all would that be too much to ask for? For what, two or three years ~ four at the most?

[marlena]

I am getting into a sad mood again. Not devastated, just sad.

I know this breakup is inevitable and healthy for me, but nonetheless it's flushing away a lot of love together with the bad things

 

RP,

It's Monday morning and I have to trudge of to work!!! Yucks!!! And after a sh**** weekend, too! Couldn't go without checking up on you first.

 

Honey, the ups and downs are to be expected and you will just have to ride them out . Think of it is as going into labor once again...the contractions will come and go until that final, blissful moment of release...soon you will be holding a new life in your hands...YOUR OWN!!!!

 

Hang in there, RP.

[Ladyjane14]

I just want to leave this snakes' nest and move on, without looking back or putting myself, him, and the kids through trauma. This, in fact, is a lucky situation for me, because I would have lived in this sexless marriage with the in-laws' interference forever.

 

....From now on it will be ME who will determine how I wil live. Life will be what I will make of it, not what he and his pathetic family....

 

 

...I decided not to worry about any particulars right now. I'll take it one step at a time. I'll figure everything out. No matter how uncomfortable, NOTHING will be as uncomfortable as putting up with his family and craving affection and sex from him....

 

....When I graduate I'll get a job and support us like all other Americans do. As for him, I feel sorry for him. I really do. He is losing a woman who loved him to death. He could have had agreat marriage with me, but he never gave us a chance, because he cared too much about his family....

 

....I wasted time and energy on these people. Nothing will ever bring those days and nerves to me. I could have invested that energy helping abused children or doing something constructive. I really have better things in life than working my ass off to leave a good impression on people who consider you guilty a priori. Being poor for 3-4 years is too small a price to pay for getting out of this nightmare...

 

...Another good thing in this whole situation is that right now, for the first time in my life, I am totally not craving a man. I hope it lasts long enough.

 

There ya go, kiddo.

 

These comments show your desire to be in control of your own life and your own future, and an ability to put things in their proper perspective, so that you're not holding on to a bunch of baggage you don't need to carry.

[marlena]

for the first time in my life, I am totally not craving a man.

 

Ha,ha!!! Me too, RP!!! Well, almost not totally!!! Hope you feel better today!

[OldEurope]

Dear RP,

 

You just get wiser and wiser and your last couple of posts here were and are "the girl we've always known".

 

Yes, you are absolutely right about not wanting to go-Balkans in Chicago or anywhere else for that matter in the States. You are in the US to forge your Individualism, not carry around a group identity like its been chained to you, and forgive me if I seemed to "categorize" you or what you "need" to do as if it could relate to ethnicity. I only thought that, because that particular Chicago crowd is wealthy and well educated and supportive (most definately not low class) it came to mind as a fall-back/networking scenario. But you are just like my wonderful grandparents who came to the US to become American. They too didn't define themselves by the old world once in the new one and they flourished.

 

So now on to the important stuff:

 

Galt and Art Critic and a couple of others have raised some good red flags about being very careful with what Hubby does during the process and aftermath of divorce.

 

You know your H of course and none of us here do, but from the outside, two divorces and a third marriage lasting but--what is it, two years (and this last being the longest marriage)--do not give him high points for long-term committments, following through on decisions or a reliable character as we, the innocent uninformed, see it.

 

You mention that you have a lawyer waiting in the wings so this is very smart. I just think the LS-ers here worry that you are a lone babe in the woods in the good old USA and that the wolves know the terrain, of course, far better and will exploit it.

 

But we also know that you have claws and will strike back when struck!

 

I find it a bit odd that your H was reading over your shoulder when you were reading my (or anyone else's) LS post....As Art Critic said earlier, that the H knows you are on LS (and that he obviously is taking a great interest to read what is written) makes one think that he can and will track your every move and statement up until the divorce. It just leaves one with an uneasy feeling. ( We here don't trust Hubby!)

 

The other point I would like to make is that he really should pay for your law school. He should at least offer to do so and I am surprised he is not or has not offered (If he has, forgive, I missed that in one of your posts).

 

That he seems to have arranged early on enough the most convenient way out of marriage with you, without now doing the gallant thing and laying some ground work for a woman who moved from godforsaken southeastern Europe (two sons in tow) to be with him, is more evidence of this easy-come easy-go mentality of his and it doesn't give one too good a vibe.

 

Let me now ask you this: Is his mind so totally made up about divorce that he is not rethinking this or wanting to counsel this marriage at all whatsoever? I am somehow missing the point () as to why he is so utterly cold. The sex(or lack thereof), the father, the brother just seems all so lame a reason why he wants to give up what he knows he will so very much miss....

 

oe

[marlena]

Let me now ask you this: Is his mind so totally made up about divorce that he is not rethinking this or wanting to counsel this marriage at all whatsoever? I am somehow missing the point () as to why he is so utterly cold. The sex(or lack thereof), the father, the brother just seems all so lame a reason why he wants to give up what he knows he will so very much miss....

 

 

Yes, I agree with OE! I have myself been a little befuddled on this point. That is the reason I sometimes talk of perhaps the both of you being able to work things out (perhaps wrongly so. Only you know). The BIL/SIL/father all resound as lame excuses to me as well. These are issues that can be worked upon providing there is a willingness on both sides.

 

Is he so indoctrinated by his family that he can't see what is staring at him in the nose?

 

What, after all is said and done, are his real core issues?

 

I only ask because I care.

[GALT]

I stand by my previous posts and want it in writing. You talk about a sexless marraige---just wait till you are in court--you will get all the f--king you can handle.

 

RP, your attorney should NOT be in the wings. He or she should be there working for you. From what you tell me, you have a paper that says you get $125K (remains to be seen if it is enforceable and valid) and some promises from "a good guy" that essentially left you on the alter, has held divorce and if I recall deportation over your head at various times in your short life together.

 

Not sure the financial situation , but I think you said he sold the biz. Well maybe now he cannot afford to be the nice guy you think he is.

 

You have a unique situation on your hands. On one hand you can claim you were coerced and led into this under false pretenses and he may be able to claim the same. You two have really done nothing more than date for a few years with the benefit of a marraige document. Does that rquire him to pay your law school tuition?

 

So is he moving out and letting you keep the house till the end of the school year? Sounds like he told you to leave ASAP when you did not want to go to the party. Not so nice a guy.

 

If you have $30K of your own--plunk down $5 of it and retain a shark. He may be able to recover your legal costs.

 

You are NOT in Europe any more, this is the US and the laws are different. You could very well find yourself and your kids on the next flight to Serbia with your own $30K and nothing more.

 

Get an attorney.

[dropdeadlegs]

I feel I must add that I am a huge proponent of having legal representation during divorce. I urge anyone engaged in marriage termination to retain an attorney, not just the ladies.

 

If you don't want anything more than the $125k you agreed to, that's very honorable, but let's just make sure that you actually get it.

 

Far too often the "nice guy/gal" gloves come off, and there are lots of punches thrown. You need someone to take those punches for you.

 

Regardless of anything having to do with your citizenship, pre-nup, or sole custody of children that are yours alone, I firmly believe you should have representation of your own to protect your interests.

 

Also, while he has no right to say how you choose to live your life, it's a good idea to keep your nose clean for the duration of legal proceedings. It just makes things easier for you in the long run.

 

Has he actually filed yet, or is this just a verbal situation at this point?

[michelangelo]

Not sure of the legality of such a thing, but i do think a lot of you are missing that RP did not sign a pre-nup agrrement. She signed a POST-nup while married.

[dropdeadlegs]

Not sure of the legality of such a thing, but i do think a lot of you are missing that RP did not sign a pre-nup agrrement. She signed a POST-nup while married.

I misstated in my last post, but I was aware that it was a post-nup.

 

Is your point that a post-nup puts her in a better or worse position?

 

She has indicated that she will not pursue anything other than what she agreed to, I only want her to actually get what she agreed to.