My husband is divorcing me

[RecordProducer]

Hi my OE,

 

It seems to me Galt's advice has been quite insightful...

A few months ago, when we were drawing the postnup, I talked to two attorneys and dag every info on the net that had to do with divorce in PA. I know for a fact that most of the things that Galt states as true are either irrelevant to my case or wrong. E.g. he talks about sharing everything in two equal parts which is not valid in a presence of a pre/postnup; or he tells me that I can prove at court that the postnup was coerced, but he doesn't know that I might lose and pay my husband's costs. I will not post the agreement here nor will I discuss things that I have already discussed with MY attorney who drew the PN. And about me NOT having counsel - that stupid niether hubby nor I are. I hired one of the best PA lawyers. I stated that I don't want to go to court and I am fine with the $125.

 

Nonetheless, I love how protective you all guys are! Muwah!

One minute you sound very worried in your posts, others, like it's no big deal, the husband is just joking around, "rent" was not meant to be taken seriously...etc etc.

You alreeady got tired of the ups-and-downs, sweetie? Aaahhhh, you need to come live with him for a year and a half to train your nerves. Joke on aside, he is unstable and consequently my emotions follow the route of the roller coaster. Why do you think I am so glad to leave this marriage?

 

He is vague about his finances apparently, won't pay for the law school of a new wife he is/is not/ is about to let go, and yet you have full confidence that he will treat you well now and in the future.

You know, if he doesn't then it's going to be his loss. I don't intend to take him to court, we have the agreement, I'll get my money and if I get into law school, I'll take a loan later and/or work. It's not so bad.

 

1) DOES he want you to stay or does he want you to go?

Who knows, who cares? I think even he doesn't know that.

2) DO you want to stay or do you want to go?

Under these conditions I don't want this marriage, that's for sure.

 

Has he initiated any legal action/seen a lawyer, at this point?

Nope.

[michelangelo]

From what I know of you, you have a bright future. As traumatic the parting phase is, the next phase after that will be awesome!

[crazy_grl]

I'm agree with most of what you're saying, RP. I know everybody here means well, but I just don't understand why people think your H should pay for your law school. You're a perfectly capable and able-bodied woman. Why would you need a man to pay for your school?

 

And why should he be obligated to just because he married you? I get what everybody's saying about him bringing you over to a new country where you don't know anyone, but unless I'm reading you wrong, don't you prefer to be here? In that sense, he did you a favor, so I don't get why he should be obligated to pay for your school or take care of you for doing it.

 

I do agree though with the people who've said you should consult your lawyer to make sure everything's in order and that you'll get the $125k you were promised.

 

And I think it's awesome to see a woman who's not interested in taking a guy for all he's worth, who knows she can stand on her own 2 feet without him and without his money. Your stbx is a moron for letting you go.

[marlena]

I don't know what he wants, but I think he wants me to cry and promise to be a good girl if he doesn't leave me, kiss a few asses, be desperate...

 

Oh, I see. So, you think he's doing this to make you more submissive and docile? A "taming of the shrew" sort of thing? He must know you well enough by now to realize that you are not one to be easily intimidated or forced into doing anything you don't want to do. I don't know you personally but this is the feel I get from your posts.

 

If he still cares about you which I think he does (otherwise I think he would have already left and slammed you with divorce papers) he really needs to understand that he is going about it in the wrong way. This is not the way to fix things with you.

 

 

In a way, I think he uses divorce threats to corner his women, to see them broken and devastated because of him.

 

 

It certainly sounds that way. But why would he want to play these power games? Does it make him feel "more of a man"? Could this (just a thought) be tied up to his sexual inadequacy? I can see how he might feel he has to assert himself in other areas to make up for his lacking performance in bed. Surely he must know there are many ways to get around these kind of issues if one is willing to use one's imagination. Or is he in denial about thw whole thing? Or worse, blaming you for it?

 

I think the lack of sex has also much to do with his brother - he was trying to be "faithful" to his brother

 

I don't understand this RP but yes it does sound like a very serious issue. How much do you really know about their relationship? How does the father look upon both of his sons? Does he treat them equally? Is he accepting of one but critical of the other?

 

Yes, I can see that you love him. But it is obvious to me that a healthy,vibrant,assertive woman like yourself can not remain for long in a marriage where her very real needs are not being met. A can not imagine you in the role of a submissive and sexually frustrated wife. No way!

 

As an outsider looking in , I think you both still care a great deal for one another but sometimes that just isn't enough, is it? I know. I've been there.

 

One thing is certain. Your marriage is not over yet.

 

Hugs, dear RP.

[GALT]

Where did you get this nonsense?

Galt, you've said enough, you can stop with the dramatic scenarios now.

 

You were referring to my comment about him not letting you have a job. In a prior post I believe you said that he controlled pretty much every aspect of your life--he and his family. Way back when, I seem to recall him discouraging you from pursuing your music career.

 

Hi my OE,

 

A few months ago, when we were drawing the postnup, I talked to two attorneys and dag every info on the net that had to do with divorce in PA. I know for a fact that most of the things that Galt states as true are either irrelevant to my case or wrong. E.g. he talks about sharing everything in two equal parts which is not valid in a presence of a pre/postnup; or he tells me that I can prove at court that the postnup was coerced, but he doesn't know that I might lose and pay my husband's costs. I will not post the agreement here nor will I discuss things that I have already discussed with MY attorney who drew the PN. And about me NOT having counsel - that stupid niether hubby nor I are. I hired one of the best PA lawyers. I stated that I don't want to go to court and I am fine with the $125.

 

As you wish RP, I will stop posting. Seriously wishing you all the luck. I think you will need it.

 

And on another totally opposite note, perhaps you can work it out. I know you are a on or off/black or white/ woman with rarely any middle ground, but do you think???

[RecordProducer]

I must stress again how impressed I am by all of you who posted here. I heard so many wise comments, I received so much comfort and encouragement... I am not just saying this as a necessary statement of gratitude for your time. The world seems more beautiful because of people like you, guys. All of you.

 

It's amazing to me that the men are the ones who most fervently defend my rights - a woman's rights. Thank you. The kids asked me yesterday if I hate men. I surely don't!

 

You are not aware from what kind of emotional disaster you all saved me. You lifted me up on the surface while I was drowning, you made me have faith in people again, you made me feel good about myself and about my future. I can say freely that today I feel good and I am sober because of YOU. I have strenght to deal with my poor traumatized children because of YOU. This world may be virtual, but love anf faith are "virtual," too.

 

Why would you need a man to pay for your school?

Good point!

And I think it's awesome to see a woman who's not interested in taking a guy for all he's worth, who knows she can stand on her own 2 feet without him and without his money. Your stbx is a moron for letting you go.

Thank you. I want to be able to say one day that I made it on my own. I want to see what I can do on my own. We are what we are since embryo time and I don't think people really change; I think they discover themselves. To an idealist such as myself reaching for my own identity is extremely important for happiness. Adversity scratches layers of our Selves and reveals features we never knew were there. I believe that each of us is distined to a certain journey that is determined by our character. I want to discover that I am strong and independent, that I can live in a foreign country on my own and support my children; that I can build a life froma scratch. That, to me, is more exciting than depending on a man and giving up my identity in return. I want that to stop the moment I leave. And I want to leave intact and mentally pure. He complains about the $125 and calls me greedy, but I think if I got out with nothing, expecting his mercy month by month and playing by his wishes would be too humiliating. Getting out with nothing would not make me an honorable person - it would make me an idiot, given that I have two children on my back and he can afford it. I don't think I am greedy for wanting a decent life for my children. According to him, I should put them ten steps below their current standard just so I don't take HIS money. He says he owes me nothing, but he would have taken care of us for a while. His idea was that I sign that I get zero if we divorce during the first two years, but he'd give me $10k to get a place and furniture and then $2k or so per month.

Oh, I see. So, you think he's doing this to make you more submissive and docile? A "taming of the shrew" sort of thing?

This made me notice that all his three wives had a "shrew" trait: the first one was manic-depressive, the second one a wild partygirl (a whole sin city in one woman) and I am a challenge in my own way. But that doesn't explain his behavior. I used to spend days and nights analyzing him. I prefer my new metaphysical analysis method: who knows, who cares!

 

He must know you well enough by now to realize that you are not one to be easily intimidated or forced into doing anything you don't want to do. I don't know you personally but this is the feel I get from your posts.

I don't give orders and I don't take orders. But there were times in our marriage (as well as in my previous) when I was on my knees because of love, bad financial situation, desire to preserve the marriage. Men don't understand words, they only understand actions.

 

If he still cares about you which I think he does (otherwise I think he would have already left and slammed you with divorce papers) he really needs to understand that he is going about it in the wrong way. This is not the way to fix things with you.

BTW, he is not reading this thread. He never reads my posts about him and he is the kind of person who would definitely comment if he read them. I mean, this morning he was kissing my face all over, I don't think he would do that had he read the things I wrote about him.

 

I don't care if he wants to divorce me or not. What I care about is that he doesn't want to work on OUR relationship; he spent so much energy trying to repair our rerlationship with his family, but none on loving me and nurturing what the two of us had, and removing all the external influence. Instead of creating a refuge of our lovely, carefree family with two kids who gave him their hearts, he only cared about defending me from them. Because he cared so much about what they thought of me. They are constantly discussing the relationships among them.

 

It certainly sounds that way. But why would he want to play these power games? Does it make him feel "more of a man"? Could this (just a thought) be tied up to his sexual inadequacy? I can see how he might feel he has to assert himself in other areas to make up for his lacking performance in bed. Surely he must know there are many ways to get around these kind of issues if one is willing to use one's imagination. Or is he in denial about thw whole thing? Or worse, blaming you for it?

I don't think he is sexually inadequate. I think it really has to do with his brother disapproving of our relationship. Just like a husband who wants to be faithful to his wife doesn't cheat on her even if she would never find out, hubby doesn't want to cheat on his brother, because he knows that his brother is jealous and possessive. He is so emotionally attached to his brother that he feels like he would betray him if he becvame close to some woman. That's why his brother tortured all his wives, that's why I am not welcome in his house, that's why he was upset when I told him that I am passionate about my husband, and that's why he makes the sex teases with his wives.

 

Freud has discovered that our feelings are based on our sexuality, but our sexuality is based on our feelings, too! Why do people enagage in role-playing with characters from kids' fairy tales? Isn't it obvious that it's somehow related to their childhood, maybe romantic feelings for the mother or craving her love? What could make a healthy man who loves his wife NOT touch her? And we know that he has a sickening co-dependent relationship with his twin. For a long, long time he had coffeee with his brother every morning and I was never invited. We had numerous fights because of that. He'd stay home 2-3 mornings and then again start going to his house. He lived next door until last Friday (they moved 2 min from here). The father lives in the next street, too. Unfortunately, I don't think there's hope for him to ever find happiness in love and i feel very sorry for him, because in essence he is really a good person, despite of some flaws.

 

How does the father look upon both of his sons? Does he treat them equally? Is he accepting of one but critical of the other?

Very interesting question! His father hates the guts of his ex-wife (my MIL). He told me openly that he doesn't like it that I hang out with her, cuz he thinks she has a grudge on him. The truth is HE has a grudge on her, because she left him. He is happily re-married for 33 years, btw. BIL and SIL are not in good terms with the mother. The father likes this and I think BIL is his preferred son due to this. And the reason why the father doesn't like me is cuz I am good friends with MIL. The twins have a younger brother who ditched them and never told them why. BIL doesn't pick up the phone when his ex-wife, the mother of his daughter calls. All this is so disgusting to me, so low and narrow-minded. I can't believe that people can live in their stinky boxes theiyr whole lives. My ex and I are friends and he dumped me, my mom and dad are friends and she dumped him. My ex is low class and I stole his kids in front of his nose to take them to the US and yet he wishes me the best in life. This is normal and human to me. I can't live in a hostile environment.

 

I can not imagine you in the role of a submissive and sexually frustrated wife. No way!

Neither can I.

 

As an outsider looking in , I think you both still care a great deal for one another but sometimes that just isn't enough, is it?

Sigh . And hugs back atcha.

[RecordProducer]

Way back when, I seem to recall him discouraging you from pursuing your music career.

No, he just looked at my music career as a hobby rather than a career and I was offended by that. And I am glad that he indirectly made me think more realistically about what a music career really means. He likes the law idea.

About controlling all aspects of my life... I never said ALL aspects, I said "they defined my moods, feelings, activities." My freedom was never restricted in any respect. Don't make this a civil-right issue, cuz it's not. It's a wounded-woman issue.

As you wish RP, I will stop posting.

Don't stop posting, please read the first paragraphs of my previous post. I just don't want you to worry too much about unnecessary things, because then you drag others to worry and then I read a bunch of worst-case scenario cases that will never happen, but they leave me low-spirited. Besides, the legalities you mentioned don't apply to my case.

 

Finally, I am not a stupido: I hold things tight in my hands. I am on my own here and with two kids on my back. He fights for some stupid goals and I fight for our survival! Keep in mind that he presented me with a zero-dollar postnup and I negotiated myself (not my lawyer) the $125k. You should hear all the maneuvers I went through (read: the bluffing on both sides). And this was not my first (and hopefully not last) achievement in life. I've had some ancestors who were really big shots. I have some tiger's blood in my veins.

 

On a more serious note, I am grateful to you for your genuine concern, but count with the fact that I am not naive. I am thinking and doing what is best for me and my kids - and sometimes the best doesn't come with threats and expensive lawyers. And most of the time, it doesn't come in a measurable currency.

And on another totally opposite note, perhaps you can work it out. I know you are a on or off/black or white/ woman with rarely any middle ground, but do you think???

It's true that I am a black-and-white person, but I don't think this community of so many people who hate each other will ever work. I must leave it.

[marlena]

RC,

 

I admire you for adhering to your values. If things should come to a head and divorce is the only solution,, then, I agree, take the 125 and move on. With your priorities intact and your values upheld, you can walk away from this, dysfunctional to say the least, family and be proud of yourself.

 

It is refreshing like another poster said to see there are people who do not make money their number one priority. Coming from a cultured European background, I think I know where you are coming from.. It is the finer things you life you seek.

 

I will be thrilled to hear that one day not too far into the near future you have become a great lawyer (or whatever )..an independent career woman and a great mother to your twin boys (which you already are). I know their well - being is of paramount concern to you. You will forge a better life for yourself..of that I am sure. You are a born fighter and survivor.

 

I beleive in you!

 

Marlena

[Mz. Pixie]

Checking in on you today RP. I see that you are getting good advice.

 

Hope you are well.

[mylifewillgoon]

I start to wonder more if he really wants to divorce you or just get confused. He, as a successful business person, must have known the odd will be extremely low to find another woman like you who has loved him from heart among all his apparent flaw.

 

He needs to separate from his family for a while to get his head straight.

[RecordProducer]

Thanks, guys. I am doing well today. If I could only get my ass to start working on my application.

I start to wonder more if he really wants to divorce you or just get confused. He, as a successful business person, must have known the odd will be extremely low to find another woman like you who has loved him from heart among all his apparent flaw.

I don't think he wants a woman like me. He said he just wants someone with whom he would get along. I think he just wants someone who would get along with his family. In his eyes I am not good enough, because I lack the thing that's most substantial for him. He doesn't even realize that the kind of woman who could get along with them is a filthy hypocrite and low-life scum. Besides, his brother doesn't want him to have ANY woman, so what are we talking about? And that's his destiny: he'll never have a permanent relationship in his life. Women will come and go and the family will stay. They will feed of each other's venom and they will bite one another for years. Until he wakes up one day and realizes that he has nothing in life because of his brother and father. He can't see that they are just selfish and instead of leaving him alone and letting him be happy, they eat his liver on a daily basis. I feel so sorry for him, he really doesn't deserve that, but I can't help him. He rolls his eyes and laughs at me when I tell him that this is all their fault.

 

Yesterday he talked to his dad on the phone for a long time about BIL and SIL. Today BIL came to our house (I stayed in the freakin' laundry room reading my book for over an hour just to not see him). Then they got out and talked for a long time. I am sure they talked about their "relationship." They constantly poop on each other's faces and then they lick the poop. The two of them are like a husband and wife and I am the OW who came in between them and ruined their "relationship."

 

I just hope he's happy that way and I hope he never regrets anything. He deserves better, he is their victim. Just like a little boy trusts his uncle while sucking his dick, hubby trusts them when he opens his heart and lets them stab it as much as they wish. I really see them as demons. He has many faults, but he is not like them. If he were like them, he wouldn't be their victim. I feel so bad for him.

[RecordProducer]

gunny – lake guntersville?

 

the thing art said about three reasons a post-nup can fall through: The one about 'undisclosed finances' hit a nerve ... my guess is that her husband had gotten to the point of finagling a piece of paper for her to sign to protect his assets, chances are, he's not being up and up about those assets. And it wouldn't be below him to complain that he was coerced into signing just because he CAN play dirty. Sorry, RP, I think the guy just gets more and more slimy I read your posts. It's about him and HIS needs, not you or yours.

 

another question I've got for those of y'all outside Texas – isn't alimony automatic in your state?

I am sorry, I never answered your questions. He has disclosed all his financial statements, assets, and taxes in the agreement. He is also aware that if he would misrepresent one thing, the postnup would be invalid. He was the one who was ardent about signing it, not me. Furthermore, I had a real attorney, not a Loveshack poster, representing my interests for $5,000!

 

Besides, if anything, hubby has rather bragged (isn't that normal when people are married?) about his financial achievements, not hidden them. After all, it's none of my business; I wasn't here when he earned that money. I have no right to demand what's not mine.

 

Another thing: he is not a dirty player. What hurts me is that he doesn't trust ME. In any case, I am not idealizing him, although I love him very much. I am very disappointed in how he dealt with our marriage. He said many times that I manufacture problems. I guess I manufactured his family, too!

[dropdeadlegs]

RP,

 

I have found that the majority of people in the world fall into the category of givers or takers. A few of us fall in between. Very few in my experience.

 

I applaud that you do not intend to take anything more than what was agreed to. You had legal counsel, and negotiated from a zero standpoint. He had much of his wealth, if not all, prior to the marriage.

 

I commend you, sister. You're no dummy. I trust that you will not only survive this, but come out stronger than ever, and that's saying a lot. Your strength is inspiring.

[Gunny376]

Thanks, guys. I am doing well today. If I could only get my ass to start working on my application.

 

Go to an office store and purchase a 5X8 card box and a pack of 5 X 8 tabbed index cards, labled Jan ~ Dec. Then get some that have 1 through 31 on them, and then some blank index cards.

 

Then write on the index cards what you've got to get done each day by each day. No matter how big ~ not matter how small the task.

 

Its called a "Flicker File" and law students use them to keep track of what they got to do ~ when. There's a computer version ~ but I been using mine since back in the day in the Marines.

 

Its very effective in keeping track of the many things you have to do when you have a lot of irons in the fire.

 

I assume that you've already taken your LSAT?

 

Law schools are arranged upon five tiers. With one being the highest and five being the losest!

 

Actually there are six! For the dirt cheap price of $125K you too can become an alumi of

 

The "Gunny Correspondence School of Law" in as little as two weeks!! Hell I, ................uhummmm I mean "we" don't even require you to take the LSAT ~ we'll just take your word for it! No essay, nothing! We'll even put that Latin crap on your diploma saying you're really, really smart!

 

Some law students graduate cum laude, some magna cum laudie, and some summa cum laude!

 

But most? Just "Thank Lawdy!" they graduated!

 

Ah! Let the Great Paper Chase begin!

 

It was my intention when I retired from the Marines to finish my undergrad, and go to law school, until a very sensible middle age woman that did ~ talked some sense in my head.

 

I was 38 when I retired from the Marine Corps. I needed a year to finish my undergrad in Bus~Admin- Fiance.

 

The population of Alabama is about 4.2 million. Of that? 200,000 are lawyers. The average annual income of an attorney is about $35, 000 in Alabama ~ now mind you? We're talking about a lot of attorney's that practice "rural" conuntry law in backward counties and towns.

 

With my military retirement and a "what-ever" job? I easily make $45, 000 a year. (Mind you? We're talking Alabama. I did the "what if I moved to Beverly Hills and it said that I would have to earn at least $110,000 to equate to that in Alabama)

 

I've been trying to climb up the food chain all of my life, and with your being from Serbia ~ I know that you know that I know what "hard-living" is all about! Compared to say that of your SIL ~ who hasn't a freaking clue! She probally thinks "hard-living" is breaking a nail or having to suffer through the heat for six hours until the repairman arrives!

 

Forget the STBXH ~ he's such a loser! In that he's about to lose the best chance of having and finding "true love" in his life with a devoted woman that freaking in love with him!

 

Your azz won't find that everyday ~ I'm here to tell you.

Maybe, just maybe once in a freaking lifetime!

 

Its hard trying to find someone that loves your ass! I mean really, truly loves you! When you find it? Don't f**k it up!

 

I'm just throwing things at ya ~ RP. The path you've choosen? Its not an easy one! I gave up on it because I was too far into the game of Life, and too far along in life to be putting up with the BS that you're going to have to go through!

 

I'd last about two weeks with some smuck of a senior attorney in some firm that graduated from first or second teir law school pulling his BS on me! That was younger than me! I'd just have to open myself a big old can of "whoop-ass!" on him or her!

 

"Submit THIS! YOU SOB!" :mad:

 

Yea! I could see myself as an attorney! One that's in jail!

 

I'd made one Hell of a Judge though! Me and my baseball bat carrying azz! Gavel Hell!

 

Meanwhile? Just "Keep On Smiling!"

 

Its going to get better!

 

This crap is going to pass you by! Nothing but a "thing" and it doesn't mean a damn thing!

 

Now get your azz out there, and do the best that you can with what you can!

[RecordProducer]

I have found that the majority of people in the world fall into the category of givers or takers. A few of us fall in between. Very few in my experience.

 

I applaud that you do not intend to take anything more than what was agreed to.

I guess this qualifies me as a taker, but only of what I agreed to.

 

Your strength is inspiring.

Awww.

It's so inspiring, it even inspires ME!

 

The "Gunny Correspondence School of Law" in as little as two weeks!!

Hahah! You're funny. And very kind.

With my military retirement and a "what-ever" job? I easily make $45, 000 a year. (Mind you? We're talking Alabama. I did the "what if I moved to Beverly Hills and it said that I would have to earn at least $110,000 to equate to that in Alabama)

Well, the salary-vs.-cost-of-living ratio is more or less parallel. It's not like the standard in Alabama is much higher or much lower than that of CA or NY. It pays to work in a big city, then spend your savings and buy a house in Alabama. But you gotta want to live there. I would rather go to Vermont or some state on the north if I had to move. I love the nature here: hills, lots of trees, four seasons, sunny weather, romantic rains, not too humid. I think I could never live in Florida though.

Its hard trying to find someone that loves your ass! I mean really, truly loves you! When you find it? Don't f**k it up!

I told him the same. Anyway, I feel bad for bashing him so much. I really feel sorry for him. I don't even know why; he could very well meet Miss Right and live happily ever after with her, but I just can't picture him finding what he is looking for.

 

Tonight he waited for me to go to bed with me and asked me a million times when I was going to bed, until he finally gave up. He loves to sleep with me. He is making it a "I just want you to have good sleeping patterns" thing, but when I read in bed right next to him until 5 AM he doesn't complain. I asked him why it matters to him and wanted to add "What are you going to do when I leave?" I mean, just last night, I went to bed at 5 AM and he nagged about it and said "I am glad this is going to be over." I felt my chest hurting when I heard that, but it's nothing new. Perhaps I should tell him, like he tells me about why we're not having sex: "We don't get along, that's why I don't sleep with you!" How dare he insist on me going to bed with him when he doesn't touch me?! Maybe I want to watch porn all night.

 

I am so afraid that I will let him reel me into his trap of togetherness again, just to break my heart for the millionth time. He's done it so many times before. I may not let him hurt me again. And in that case, if I have to be on guard and not enjoy love... what do I need this marriage for?

 

(I am sure I can answer that question with a long list of advantages, but it was a rhetorical question - because I need love).

[Mz. Pixie]

I guess this qualifies me as a taker, but only of what I agreed to.

 

 

No, actually it doesn't. IMO you've earned every single penny of that post nuptual agreement and MORE.

[Gunny376]

What's a hurricane, tornado, and a divorce got in common in Alabama?

 

Somehow, someway, someone's fixin' to lose a house trailer!

[dropdeadlegs]

I guess this qualifies me as a taker, but only of what I agreed to.

 

No, actually it doesn't. IMO you've earned every single penny of that post nuptual agreement and MORE.

That's the way I meant it, too. All divorces involve giving and taking, a REAL taker would try to get more than what was previously negotiated.

[RecordProducer]

No, actually it doesn't. IMO you've earned every single penny of that post nuptual agreement and MORE.

That's a very sweet thing of you to say.

 

In the last few days, I stayed up all night then slept all day (while the kids were at school) and he complained about it. I don't understand him. He apparently wants me in bed with him. Why would he care so much? He even waited for me for two hours the other day and finally went to bed alone.

 

Yesterday he told me "OK, I'll go out all night and sleep all day." I think he said "go out" but the point is that he nags about it. I ignored it.

 

Today I told him that it's good that I am staying out of his way and he said "Yeah, good for the marriage." What marriage?!?!?! He wants a divorce, right?

 

In any case, for those of you who think that this was just a false alarm and you spent your energy for nothing - that's so not true. These divorce threats have been going on for a long time, virtually from the second month of our marriage, but I never took them so seriously except for a few times.

 

Every time they get more severe. Whatever his problem is, I don't see that he was ever 100% in this marriage. We learned to get along, but he acts very cold and doesn't want intimacy. At this point it's really not my fault and there is nothing I can do that he wants me to do. I even apologized to his father a few weeks ago for being rude after his father made up lies about me, all in attempt to preserve the marriage; we had a few good weeks after that and then his brother stood up against me for no reason and H decided to divorce me.

 

My point was: you guyz helped me draw the line, right here and right now. I abandoned all the hopes for this marriage, I don't care anymore, and in my mind he is not my husband anymore. I re-read my cold-feet thread last night and although I've said some things that I didn't mean, it was refreshing to see that this problem of his instability has always existed. And given that he's had two short marriages, I don't think the problem is in me.

 

Knowing that the problem can't be fixed by me makes me accept that this is what it is. And I don't like it the way it is so I shouldn't care so much about something I can't fix.

 

He told me today that I am going to miss disagreeing with someone (we had a little disagreement about my essay). I told him it was totally inappropriate of him to say that given that HE is the one who's always wanted the divorce. Besides, just because you're going to miss someone at the beginning doesn't mean that divorce isn't a good choice. He let this marriage die. He keeps discussing issues with his brother and father, but he has no interest whatsoever in saving this marriage. Apparently the father is trying to counsel the twins, to save THEIR relationship, which is a good thing. But I don't see that I am welcome or wanted alive in this family. If I am so bad that I deserve to be threatened with divorce constantly, if going to MC "is not worth it" as he stated, if I am not good enough to have sex with cuz "we don't get along" as he said - then I don't see a solution that I can make up. It indeed is a shame, because we could have made it work, the kids love him, he loves them, I love him, and I think he loves me. But apparently his brother is more important. In order for this marriage to work, he would need to change a lot and I don't think he is willing to. The only thing he wants is for me to get along with his family and that will never happen, because they don't want to get along with me. They never did.

 

So with this thread, I kinda took the matter to a deeper level and realized that the problem is not in me and, while he thinks how he should leave me, I strated thinking how I should leave all of them and move on. Enough is enough. Thank you all again.

[Art_Critic]

Why not move into a separate bedroom ?

 

It seems to me that if you are getting divorced then this would be the best and most logical step..

If you are still trying to save the marriage then why post that the marriage is over ? and then why not go into marriage counseling ?

[Art_Critic]

Enough is enough. Thank you all again.

We could never tire of you RP.. Post till your hearts content...

[Gunny376]

He told me today that I am going to miss disagreeing with someone

 

How could that be? When you have us?

[riobikini]

RP -I've read through your posts and -without even half trying- it's seems pretty apparent, to me, that your hubby has always had his head up the as*es of his brother and father.

 

Strangely, though, the brother is only a manipulator by default of his own wife.

 

She's the one presently running the show -telling the entire family what to do, how to act, be, etc.

 

And it's *she* who doesn't approve of you most.

 

But going waaaay back -it sounds like your SIL, herself, was well-received when she was first introduced to the family.

 

And that's a testament that these three men have always possessed an element of naivety that began long before you showed up, and probably have since received a few scars from that here and there, unfortunately for everyone now.

 

Your SIL, having that kind of built-up history with them means *power* -and it's hard to overcome for newer people just beginning to build up time -and acceptance- in a family.

 

I must say, though (Smile) -all three of the men involved do -unequivocally- sound like pansies, to me -most men wouldn't stand still and let a gal like that tell them how to live and who they could -or could not- invite into the family.

 

The father of these two men -well- I can tell you, in similar situations I have known about, he just doesn't want to be bothered with what's going on between the boys and their wives.

 

He's probably been bullied all his life, himself, by his own wife (Smile).

 

He'd probably rather hide out on the golf course, or find ways to make himself unavailable when someone comes rushing up to him to spill a string of complaints about who's doing what to whom in the family.

 

It probably makes his stomach squinch up in this little ball and make his head hurt.

 

His response to any complaint will most likely be a "go-along" approach just to see the complaint-bearer go away and the noise die down.

 

(Smile)

 

He'll be no good for you to talk to -he'll offer no positive input- and will probably tell you to go ahead with the divorce because he just wants what he calls "peace" in the family -a.k.a. quiet.

 

So don't waste your time talking to him -his head, my dear, is up his *own* as*.

 

(Smile)

 

As for your lovely SIL -well- she's always going to be hell to deal with (it happened in the womb of her mother, probably alcohol, or just a bad string of DNA)- so don't expect her to change.

 

Women like that are so good at manipulation, head games, and have a natural knack for always keeping something stirred up in a family; they are only satisfied when everything is running the way they have designed it to run.

 

They have, in my experience, even been able to control the number of children being produced by others in the family by giving "advice" to the new women marrying into the family.

 

It's usually all about the financial inheritance that may fall to them, someday.

 

They look closely after their husband's "interests" (Smile) -and evaluate the "worthiness" of others about to enter the family -all translated as those who could threaten or tip the apple cart for them.

 

The BIL you are focusing on is a weenie -plain and simple.

 

He'll do whatever his wife tells him to do.

 

Strangely, he probably *likes* it that way -with her running everyone's business it gives him more time to masturbate while in the washroom.

 

Look -all this is coming down on your head like a truckload of bricks -I know- but because your husband has, apparently, always lived this way with his family -accepted their dysfunctional ways and been such a patsy in letting his family control and shape his life- the fact being revealed to you now, is that you have really never been in control of your marriage to him and -chances are- with no changes being sought by hubby to break that cycle, you never would have been able to bust up the cycle alone.

 

You have given it a good shot, though, RP -and that's saying alot.

 

You are such an intelligent young woman -he was more than lucky just to have you, but I think he's probably known all along that it was just a matter of time that, due to pressure, he'd have to let you go.

 

I think he loved you -still does- and that he may succumb to the pressures of his manipulating family, but he'll treat you well in the divorce and continue to care deeply for you.

 

I know you are hurting -I've been right where you are now- but, I swear with everything in me, that there'll be a brighter day for you.

 

Just wait and see.

 

(Smile)

 

Yours,

-Rio

[RecordProducer]

My mom called me today and said I shouldn't get a divorce. It pissed me off and I started yelling at her that I am working hard to accept what I cannot change and that I came to terms with the possible oncoming separation, because this marriage has been a huge trauma for me and I'll be better off without him.

 

I guess hubby heard what I said (he understands 30-50% of my langauge), especially international words like "trauma." He asked me if I have ever heard him hollering at his parents; I said YES and calling his brother names.

 

Anyhoo, I think he didn't like it that I am preparing myself for a divorce and even convincing my mother how bad this marriage is. So we went to lunch and in the car he said "I should be looking for a place to rent or something." My heart sank. I told him cheerfully "Why don't you just buy a house?" He shut up. I guess his heart sank, too?

 

Rio, without quoting you, everything you said is insightful and wise. I appreciate your words. About his father, it's actually the opposite: he LOVES to interfere and "solve" problems. He is the "main arbitar" in the family. He likes to add oil to the fire. SIL and BIL refer to him for their marital problems and he enjoys resolving them - this is why he likes her, cuz she boosts his ego, I assume. Plus, she likes kissing his ass and they all love to gossip. Most importantly, she and BIL ditched the mother. Remember he told me he didn't like it that I associated with his ex-wife? And hubby is not like them so he doesn't get his father's support. SIL, BIL, and FIL are very destructive people. They never wanted to let us have our own life, they expected that I would spend all my time kissing their asses and that I would do whatever they wanted me to do.

 

Why not move into a separate bedroom ?

We don't have a spare bedroom. We only have two bedrooms and in one of them are the kids. The bed is so comfy and the sofa is killing my back.

 

It seems to me that if you are getting divorced then this would be the best and most logical step..

Nothing is logical in love and war.

If you are still trying to save the marriage then why post that the marriage is over ?

I can post that I am the queen of England if I want to. He announced a divorce. Are you complaining that I posted about it before the divorce is finalized?

 

and then why not go into marriage counseling ?

Because he doesn't want to.

P.S. You don't put space between the last word and the question mark.

 

I recall some violent fights. THe incident with the police and the "weapon" and drinking.

The fights were NEVER physical. There was NO weapon; the cop just asked me about the working tools in my car and I said there were my husband's. The cops just stopped me to check me and the breathelyzer showed that the alcohol level in my blood was "way below the limit." I can't believe how you twist the truth. Violence, weapons, DUI...

 

I just had to comment this cuz people who are not acquainted with the event might actually believe you.

[Timberlane]

RP, I just read the beginning of this thread and wanted to say hello and wish you well. I used to be here long ago. I'm so sorry to hear about you situation. From everything I've read that you wrote, you seem to be quite a wonderful, kind, and lovely woman. Hang in there as best you can.