30, lost and uncertain

[Galexia]

The truth is....I'm totally terrifed of life. I'm 30, currently unemployed, living off my boyfriend who happens to be almost 30 years older than me. I feel i've taken the wrong path in life and just dont know how to get on the right path because I honestly dont know what I want. A part of me feels like karma is kicking me in the ass, because I have done some rather unmoral things in my life, but part of me feels like I have what it takes to change the situation, and that it wasn't Karma at all. The truth is, i absolutely am 100% certain that i am head over heals for my man. The age thing hardly matters...its just a fact though, that may have implications in the future. I have a BA degree, was working for a few years as a sales or customer service rep for furniture retailers. I have always put love first in all aspects of my life. I should mention that I smoke pot and love Hollywood gossip, so basically I'm filling my head with nothing. But I enjoy it. I'm addicted. I should also mention that I DO have what it takes to be a hardworker, smart and confidant, but right now, and maybe for the last few years, I've lost it, and found myself dependent on a guy who might never really be there for me. He's not interested in having children, and either am i for the mos part, but i'm only 30...i might change my mind. I see all of my friends going on with conventional life, getting married and having kids and kind of feel left out. I have been trying to make a plan, but I dont even klnow where to start. How can i decide what i want to do or become if i've never done it before. I'm scared. And what about money? If i decided to go back to school, where would I get the funds? Arrgh...

 

Looking for some advice. Thanks for listening. I generally a happy person, but right now, I'm lost and alone. Atleat, its how i feel. My friends are dropping quickly and opting for married life w/ kids.

 

Thanks!

[directx]

I think the reason you are scared is because you do not have full independence.

 

You should be able to stand on your own if your BF or anyone else leaves your life. Just my opinion.

 

Also, don't worry about your immoral past. Part of life is forgivness and change, and the fact you recognize your past has some errors in it and you are willing/working to change that for the better is all anyone can ask.

You are human. So don't beat yourself up.

 

I wouldn't worry about a job that pays a ton of money. I think your goal should be to find a job you love. That is tough to do. Just don't spend more than you earn.

 

Again, just my opinion. But I would really like to see you strive towards the independence thing. Plus an independent person is really sexy.

[melodymatters]

Well, if you are unemployed, you should qualify for the max amount of financial aid for school, and that would cover a community college or vocational school.

 

Start exploring careers you might want and then make a decision.

 

The fact that your BF is willing to support you makes this a golden opportunity to go and find a new career path.

 

I wouldn't worry about what " others" are doing. Sit quietly with youself and figure out what galexia might want to do, be, experience.

[Galexia]

Thanks for the words of wosdom. My eyes well up w/ tears rewading these postings. And I think you both are right. I know I need full independence. i've had it once, and I know I can have it again. I appreciate the understanding about needed to forgive oneself. Its so hard to do, but everytime i hear it, it mkes me love myself a shread more. Thanks!!!