Questioning us!

[FrustratedInLove]

Alright this will be long so be prepared.. I have read numerous posts about women with insecurity issues and trouble forgetting the past, and unfortunately I am one of those women. My boyfriend and I have had a rocky past, all of which has made us stronger in many ways, but it has been hard to forget. The hardest things began at the end of last December, where we were exclusive, and he got oral when he was drunk. At this time it was long distance for about a month, with him in New York and myself in Mass. Things were very confusing for us at this time as we didn't know where we stood and I was looking for more. We ended up ending things before I knew what had happened. I view what he did as borderline cheating although we were not in a relationship. There was also another girl he had hung out with, either with a group of people or just the two of them, maybe three times total. From what I have gathered, they did not "hook up" until after we decided to end things, but it seems it might've happened while we were together if I had not told him I couldn't do it anymore. Anyways, like I said, I didn't find out about these things until after, from a mutual friend, who was more a friend of his but I think was trying to be a little revengeful because he had had problems with my boyfriend in the past. My now-boyfriend was in Vegas at this time with his best friend, and I refused to speak to him about it or at all. When I finally told him that I had found out, I was angry and hurt and told him I didn't want to speak to him anymore and he did not deserve to. That night he called me and spoke to me for hours and at some ridiculous time like 4am sent me a text message and told me that he wanted to be with me..etc etc. Silly me said okay right away. So anyways, I was upset about the past but I think I tried to justify it for him. He truly seemed sorry and his best friend kept saying "that was the most upset I've ever seen him, he felt horrible" A month later when it was no longer long distance, we were having problems because he was still friends with his ex that he was with for four years. One night he ended up going there for hours, until 2am, and drinking with her without calling me. I ended up telling him if you aren't in this 100% I need to know because that's what I want. He told me he couldn't be at that time and we broke up and didn't speak for a week. The next week we began talking again and began dating again. We decided we would get back together, and about that time, I found out during that week he had slept with his ex-girlfriend. This was very upsetting to me and he understood he had really hurt me and screwed up. I have never seen him that upset before. He was crying and basically begging for forgiveness. It was at this time he stopped speaking to her entirely. He has not seen or spoken to her since (about 8 months now). A lot happened since then... the long distance became permanent in May and we took some time apart only to realize we did want to be together. Since then, we have grown very close and are very happy together. We rarely fight and genuinely enjoy each other's company. We talk about all aspects of our life and he really has changed from what I can see. This is where the problem is... As much as I try to forget, I cannot. I am going to counseling now (for the last month or so, and for various reasons, not just because of our relationship). On his end, he just wants to forget it happened. He has proved he has changed and he wants to move on from it. I understand that point of view and I would love to as well. I am a confident person overall, or so I thought, but I am very insecure about other women now and our relationship and his feelings for me. Whether the women are on tv or real life, I have a very hard time with it. He does not really comment now because I have told him how much it bothers me and I do not think it is respectful. It's now gotten to the point that even a sound would bother me, like a sound of interest. It's pathetic. A mention of another woman makes me wonder if he wants to sleep with them. It really is a terrible way to go about a relationship. We are very close, but it is a hard topic to discuss. I cannot keep bringing up the past, or being insecure about other women, because it does not help us and does not look good on my behalf. I need serious advice. Please do not just say, break up with him and move on, unless you can provide a good reason why you think this is the best resolution. Please also do not say, you need to learn to forget and move on from it. I know these things. I know the options I have, I just do not know which one to choose, and how to best go about it. Please help as best as you can, and if you need advice on anything, I'm rather helpful with that. Thank you so much!

[brothermartin]

Ok. I wont say to forget anything. If you do that you dont learn anything about him or yourself. I do have to ask how old you are. You sound young, thats all. Second, keep seeing the counseler. He should go with you too, not as a show of love but to really take responsebility for everything he did. If you're experiencing insecurity issues, no wonder! Look at what this guy has put you through! Heres a test to take: If you believe you really love each other, stop having sex for at least 3 months. That will give you both an oppertunity to really get to know one another without clouding your judgement. If you cant or dont do it, it's possible that thats all your relationship is about, sex.