Georgiao Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 Hi there!! I am in dire need of your advice since I am in agony and piercing pain. I have been separated from my husband of four years for about three months now. This is my second marriage and his third. We were both miserable and unhappy for about three months prior to his leaving. We had seen a marriage counsellor but it seemed that he did not have the energy to work on the marriage. My husband, who I love was recently diagnosed with a debilitating illness and was on chemotherapy for about a years. Associated with his chemo, was mood swings and depression. My husband became moody, uncommunicative and very depressed. He lost his wonderful thick hair and for months denied being depressed and upset about his hair loss and change of identity. Since the separation, we have had little contact except through emails. In his recent email, he has requested some of his possession such as Xmas items (what the heck does he need Xmas items in April) back. I have been anxious because I am wondering if he has made a definitive conclusion about wanting to terminate the marriage. We both have gone to our marriage counsellor individually and in the past when I have approached my spouse about questions re: the marriage, he has negatively responded back to me and has indicated that he will not answer any questions unless it is through email. The counsellor has assured me that my spouse is burnt out mentally, emotionally and physically and requires space. I have not initiated any degree of contact with him but I am wondering if there is any hope for this marriage. I am in pain because of being in limbo and not knowing whether he will be coming back. He knows that the "door" is always open for him. We have two dogs who are our children......my spouse has severed contact with them since it was too disruptive for all of us. I still love my husband and want to work out our problems but at the same time, I am afraid to approach him right now. Please, any kind of advice is appreciated. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 Very few people are well prepared to deal with fighting for their lives. Often, when that situation comes up everything else takes a back seat. Until your husband is totally satisfied that his disease is in complete remission, your relationship doesn't stand much of a chance. You would think that he would want your support now more than ever. But different people respond differently to the same circumstances. And intense emotional situations cause unanticipated reactions. Human beings are largely chemicals and when those chemicals are radically affected by chemotherapy and all the emotions that go with life threatening illness, their personalities can change in a major way. So what you have is a man here who is much different from the one you married. In psychology, this is called ambiguous loss. Ambiguous loss happens when the person you love is still around but has changed so much they are no longer able to related to you as before. Your husband is an example. Another would be former President Ronald Reagan, who has advanced Alzheimer's Disease and no longer relates to or even recognizes his loving wife of nearly a half century, Nancy. Ambiguous loss is difficult and hard to get through. But all the counselling in the world will be to no avail until your husband is able to take his mind off survival, get off the drugs he's taking, become emotionally stable once again, and begin the road to recovering a stable mental outlook...if that ever happens. His insistence on communicating with email is an effort on his part to avoid emotional overload. It's much easier on his consitution at this time to deal with a screen and keypad than with another human being. Let him alone and try to understand. Just how long this is going to take...and whether or not he will EVER be back to the way he used to be...may be very difficult to predict. Ask his doctors how other patients react. Again, I'm sure in varies with the person. Link to post Share on other sites
Carly Posted April 29, 2003 Share Posted April 29, 2003 Dear Georgiano, So sorry to read about your difficult situation. I feel your pain. I have a difficult question to ask you: Is it possible that your husband's condition is terminal? I ask because his behaviour is consistent with someone who is tying up the details of his life. Christmas decorations, for example, are often times personal and perhaps he is thinking about bequeathing them to members of his previous marriages. Or maybe he just needs to connect with parts of his past so that he can come to terms with his life and death. This could also explain his needs to keep a distance from you. Keep in mind I am only questioning, not jumping to any conclusion form your post. For whatever reason, your husband is not available for the relationship that you want from him. You should change your long-term piercing pain into short term grief over what can't get from him, and then move on. If you still love him unconditionally -- without receiving anything back from him -- then just give him what he is willing to accept from you: caring, supportive emails. And no more. Take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Georgiao Posted April 29, 2003 Author Share Posted April 29, 2003 My husband's condition is not terminal but it has certainly affected him, physically and emotionally. I thank you Tony and Carly for your wonderful and helpful responses. I know that my spouse is under complete stress. He is a teacher with a "class from hell" and I know that the only energy he has left is his job. I neglected to mention that he was married twice before and has a history and pattern of separating when the going gets tough. In the previous times, he has always returned to the marriage. I appreciate your recommendation of letting him be since I know he is experiencing emotional overload. Any other words of advice or comments is greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted May 7, 2003 Share Posted May 7, 2003 have those been tried? I think it might be standard to supplement treatment with anti-depressants, unless they would lower immunity. Link to post Share on other sites
rojo69 Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 move on with your life and get a divorce Link to post Share on other sites
Author Georgiao Posted May 29, 2003 Author Share Posted May 29, 2003 Until I know 100% that my marriage is over, then I will move on and get a divorce, but only until then!! I entered into this marriage with full commitment and for the terms of "better or for worse". Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted May 29, 2003 Share Posted May 29, 2003 Absolutely. You go girl... I think your husband has extenuating circumstances that are completely valid. He's going through a rough time. Perhaps he didn't want to burden you. I hope you get to tell him these things, show him that you'll be there for him (if you so desire). Link to post Share on other sites
RogueK Posted June 22, 2003 Share Posted June 22, 2003 I truely hope everything works out and he can make it through this with you. I'm glad to see you are dedicated to him the way you are. It makes me happy to know there are people who are willing to keep their marriages intact no matter what. Good luck to both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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