tommy13v Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I found out my wife is having an affair about a month ago and she goes back and forth with making up her mind. I told her during this time that I do not want my children (2) to be around him at all because I do not agree with what she is doing and frankly she doesn't as well but cant seem to stop. Tonight my oldest 5 says to me that they went to dinner the other day and he met mommies friend and describe him in detail and it is the other guy. Am I wrong to feel upset that she did that? or went against my wishes?
PandorasBox Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I found out my wife is having an affair about a month ago and she goes back and forth with making up her mind. Are you seperated? Or are you still living together? Either way, you stated she keeps going back and forth with making up her mind. She either want's to work on the marriage with you, or she doesn't and wants to remain with this other guy. You may have to make the decison. Not for her, but for yourself, and your sanity.
Author tommy13v Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Tonight I have come to the decision to move out and be separated completely. I will be telling her tomorrow that if she wants to work things out with me then I am willing but if she does not she can file for divorce. I don't understand why if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me that she didn't file for a divorce yet? She says lets be separated and then I can think but to me having an affair and trying to think if you want to try and work things out is crazy. What about the kids question? Thanks
PandorasBox Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 I don't understand why if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me that she didn't file for a divorce yet? She says lets be separated and then I can think but to me having an affair and trying to think if you want to try and work things out is crazy. I think she sounds confused at what she wants. Maybe by her going back and forth, it keeps her feeling she's having her cake and eating it too? Or, if it doesn't work out with him, she has you there, or if it doesn't work out with you, she has him kind of thing, I really don't know. I do know, if she does want to work things out with you and the marriage, she is going to have to cut all ties with this other guy. Having him in the picture will only confuse her more and cloud her judgement.
Author tommy13v Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 I am in a place where I feel that I can move on and while I feel upset I am not angry anymore. The thing with her is that she knows what she is doing is wrong and everyone around her that knows like her family tell her the same thing but she just cant seem to make a decision. Her family is quite unhappy with her behavior and that may be why she is so confused and goes back and forth. I will let her know that I am moving out and ironically its her sisters apartment and for cheap thank God and if she wants to try and work it out then fine but if not then she can file for divorce. Her family tells me that I can't wait forever but give her some time like 3-6 months at least and maybe she will come to her senses. It just really bothers me that she introduced my kids to this guy. I feel that it is a horrible example and makes me think that maybe I should just end it and move on and in the future be with someone who respects me. I have never and would never cheat on my spouse or girlfriend and in fact when we met she was dating someone else and I was interested in her but did not and would not pursue her because I have respect for the other guy. It all worked out for the other guy as he married her sister and him and I are great friends to this day. I guess they say "Once a cheater always a cheater." but for the sake of my kids and family I would at least try.
Kalamazoo Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 It sounds to me like you are her safety net. She likes this other guy better but is afraid that it won't work out and she'll be left all alone with nothing. Don't give her the option of filing for divorce, you should file for one. She should not be getting your children involved.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I don't understand why if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me that she didn't file for a divorce yet? She says lets be separated and then I can think but to me having an affair and trying to think if you want to try and work things out is crazy. She's probably test-driving the new guy and doesn't want to let you off the back-burner until she's sure it's gonna work out. Sorry. What about the kids question? See an attorney. You can't keep your kids away from your wife's boyfriends indefinitely, but you can probably throw a few road-blocks in. I know people who have stipulated no overnight guests, required background checks, and things of that nature in the custody settlement.
Author tommy13v Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 Thanks for the advice. I will speak with an attorney about those issues. She has said to me that she doesn't want to be in our relationship and that the other guy is a distraction to our marital issues and doesn't want to be with anyone. Then on friday she says to me "We can get back together." and I said why would you even say that to me? She replied "I feel sorry for you". I am ready to move on. I love her family very much and they love me as well and have been there for me through out the past 2-3 months. I guess I will just have to give up on this after 7.5 years of marriage, 2 kids, a mortgage and whatever else. She always says that she doesn't deserve me and I can do better and I guess that was her clue to me that its over.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Thanks for the advice. I will speak with an attorney about those issues. She has said to me that she doesn't want to be in our relationship and that the other guy is a distraction to our marital issues and doesn't want to be with anyone. Then on friday she says to me "We can get back together." and I said why would you even say that to me? She replied "I feel sorry for you". I am ready to move on. I love her family very much and they love me as well and have been there for me through out the past 2-3 months. I guess I will just have to give up on this after 7.5 years of marriage, 2 kids, a mortgage and whatever else. She always says that she doesn't deserve me and I can do better and I guess that was her clue to me that its over. Hi, I'm not going to go into any detail, but my mom did the same thing your wife is doing. For a very long time, I have had suspicions that the guy she was cheating on my dad with molested my sister! I dont really care what you have to do. KEEP THAT GUY AWAY FROM YOUR KIDS!!! You dont know who or what he is like! Bad things can and do happen!
Author tommy13v Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 I know of him and know the crowd he hangs out with sort of. My wife admitted to smoking pot with him and his friends but thinks nothing of it. She also has a drinking problem which has led to a lot of these issues but as of recently she is doing better I think. I know of too many kids that have been molested by people they trusted and know the hurt it causes years later and I certainly would not want that for my kids. I will take that advice sincerely. Thank you
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 My wife admitted to smoking pot with him and his friends but thinks nothing of it. She also has a drinking problem which has led to a lot of these issues but as of recently she is doing better I think. Make sure you have a record of this stuff, write down dates, times etc.. Proof. If anyone else you know has seen her doing this stuff with him, then that needs to be written down as well. You could go for FULL custody here and if you have the proof she is doing drugs, putting the kids at risk by being around shady people, AND the fact she thinks it's no big deal, well, the consquences are obviously that she isn't putting her kids needs first. She isn't thinking of them if she is running around doing sh.it like that. He should NOT be around your children. It isn't fair to them...I mean, if you were with another woman, I doubt very much your wife would like 'her' to be around the kids... I bet it would drive her insane! Talk to a lawyer, protect yourself, protect your kids...
share&care Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I know of him and know the crowd he hangs out with sort of. My wife admitted to smoking pot with him and his friends but thinks nothing of it. She also has a drinking problem which has led to a lot of these issues but as of recently she is doing better I think. I know of too many kids that have been molested by people they trusted and know the hurt it causes years later and I certainly would not want that for my kids. I will take that advice sincerely. Thank you Your wife may have real issues she needs to work out, but there is absolutely no reason for her to introduce your children to him at this stage, especially if you requested she not do that. It sounds like she needs guidance through counceling and you should get some for yourself as well for healing. Best of luck.
KATANYA Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Just a question.......your wife is cheating, her behavior and that of her 'OM' are less than responsible, your kids are potentially in danger - so why are YOU moving anywhere? Why not pack up her stuff, have it sent to the her sister's apartment, tell her that when she makes up her mind let you know and YOU keep your children i your home where they are safe and stable until she decides what she is going to do? It would seem to me that you leaving everything you have built together, including leaving your kids, puts you at a huge disadvantage on all fronts here and you've done nothing wrong! I don't know the family law standards where you live but where I am it is very rare that "joint custody" is awarded and the person with the children is usually favored as the primary "custodial" parent (even when they are less able or financially secure to handle it). Maybe sending her the message that YOU won't tolerate the behavior, she must move out and live her life 'single' if she chooses but you and the kids are going to keep going on as a family is what she needs to force her to make a firm decision and then you can all move forward.
Author tommy13v Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 I am in counseling at the moment and she was seeing a psychologist but stopped because he apparently didn't listen to her. My counselor is great and have gotten to the place where I am comfortable about moving on but my kids need to come first. My counselor said that I shouldn't date until at least 6 months after our divorce and just spend that time with my kids and love them and help them feel secure. I will speak to an attorney about the issues hopefully next week. A friend of mine said that maybe I should get a drug test done on her and myself as evidence. I guess the attorney would be better to answer that question.
Author tommy13v Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 I had planned on taking the children with me. I know I didn't mention that at the time but the reasoning for it is that if I move into her sisters spare apartment then her sister could baby sit my youngest while my oldest is at school. I had mentioned staying in my home but she started threatening me with, you can't kick me out of my house, and I will call the cops. Of course all of this comes from the OM and little does he know that he could potentially cause her to lose her kids.
KATANYA Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I don't know....temptation would be to send her out for errands, pack the bags, change the locks and call an attorney! Many women have done it to their husbands and I don't know of any situations where the cops have made a spouse take someone back.....they usually just refer the whole matter to the courts to sort out! I'm glad you are taking the kids with you. I really hope things work out for you and your children! As far as getting testing done, the courts will normally order that! Just keep in mind if she is hanging around people who are using drugs there are all sorts of inhibitors that can block detection and people who use know what they are (experience with my own ex!)....all you really need to do right now is keep documenting and recording your concerns - the courts will decide what evidence they want (make sure you have a VERY GOOD lawyer). As far as dating - take your time and keep your own relationships as private from your family life (with your kids) as you would expect your W to have done....it is very confusing for children and they do love their parents no matter how rotten they behave as adults!
Lizzie60 Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 It's been a month and already the children have meet this new guy.. HOW immature!!!! She needs to grow up... She is selfish and is not thinking about the welfare of her children. Even if you were separated.. I would NEVER introduce a new guy to my children after only a month of knowing him... Geezzz... You should get full custody of your children IMO. She doesn't sound like a good mother to me...
Author tommy13v Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 I was shocked to here that from my son this evening. My son said it was mommy's friend but still my children should not be involved in our issues. We have had heated discussions in front of the kids that I feel bad about but introducing my kids to "Mommy's Friend" at this point in the game is selfish and unreasonable. For me I would not introduce my kids to another until there is a commitment on our part to be together and that won't happen until possibly years later. It just makes me mad to think that the guy she is having an affair with could be in a sense raising my kids as well. She has said that she is a good mother but recently someone said to her (which coincidentally his wife is doing the same thing.) that he doesn't think she is a good mother to be doing this to her family and I guess that was the day she started going up and down and back and forth with her emotions.
Darth Vader Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Tonight I have come to the decision to move out and be separated completely. I will be telling her tomorrow that if she wants to work things out with me then I am willing but if she does not she can file for divorce. I don't understand why if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me that she didn't file for a divorce yet? She says lets be separated and then I can think but to me having an affair and trying to think if you want to try and work things out is crazy. What about the kids question? Thanks Don't you move out, kick her out! She's the one who cheated, not you. If anyone goes, it's her! Besides, she may try to go for Abandonment!
Darth Vader Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Hi, I'm not going to go into any detail, but my mom did the same thing your wife is doing. For a very long time, I have had suspicions that the guy she was cheating on my dad with molested my sister! I dont really care what you have to do. KEEP THAT GUY AWAY FROM YOUR KIDS!!! You dont know who or what he is like! Bad things can and do happen! Did they ever get the Bastard?!
Darth Vader Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I know of him and know the crowd he hangs out with sort of. My wife admitted to smoking pot with him and his friends but thinks nothing of it. She also has a drinking problem which has led to a lot of these issues but as of recently she is doing better I think. I know of too many kids that have been molested by people they trusted and know the hurt it causes years later and I certainly would not want that for my kids. I will take that advice sincerely. Thank you More fuel for the fire! Contact a Lawyer about all of these issues your wife has, she may be unfit to care for the children! Go for sole custody!
Author tommy13v Posted October 14, 2007 Author Posted October 14, 2007 So how would I go about that? She has stated that I can't kick her out of her house and she would call the cops and probably lie about things. Any more suggestions on how to deal with it? I could change the locks and pack her stuff. She is not here tonight and probably at the OM's place instead of her mothers like she said. The funny thing about that is I don't really care where she is.
Darth Vader Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 Make sure you have a record of this stuff, write down dates, times etc.. Proof. If anyone else you know has seen her doing this stuff with him, then that needs to be written down as well. You could go for FULL custody here and if you have the proof she is doing drugs, putting the kids at risk by being around shady people, AND the fact she thinks it's no big deal, well, the consquences are obviously that she isn't putting her kids needs first. She isn't thinking of them if she is running around doing sh.it like that. He should NOT be around your children. It isn't fair to them...I mean, if you were with another woman, I doubt very much your wife would like 'her' to be around the kids... I bet it would drive her insane! Talk to a lawyer, protect yourself, protect your kids... Listen to this woman!!!!!! Look in to everything she says!!!!!
Faith4u Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 I read all about your story and the replies I would like to tell you that you should not feel that you have to leave. If she is acting weird and wants to call the cops, let her. You have proof that she is cheating on you and if you do not want her in the house she should out of respect to all that you have shared in the past leave the house for a while uintil you two meet again with a final agreement on what you both want to do with your relationship. I think what should matter in all this is you and your children. She does not seem to me that she wants to work out the relationshîp because of what I am reading from you. I think you should seperate as she wanted in the beginning, why not? She is with another man anyhow so why does it matter if she stays? She should feel that she has lost you. Even though that you seem to love her very much, she needs to feel that she has lost you ( even though that you know deep down inside of yuo that you kght want to take care back and forgive and forget). I think you should discuss undiscussed issues that brought you two to this situation, cheating is very wrong but it does not come out of the blue. I know what I am talking about and I know it is very hard for her as well as you. She just does not seem to see clear and seems to run after drugs or alcohol to find her answer and that is not going to help her now or in the future. About the kids and the fact that she introduced them to the guy, it was not a good thing to do but if she is not a pervert herself she is the mom and I think she would know if a man, that is not the father, is acting in a preverted way around her kids. This does not mean that it was right of her to do that, she was WRONG but it is done and what you need to do is stay close to yuor kids so they can tell you everything. It is alwayhs important that you have pieces of evidence when you want to make sure that your kids and your house stays with you. It is easy to proove something that you already know just do it, pictures are facts. Also, I think your wife cheated because she found no way to feel close to you because she or you could not communicate at a certain level. Whatever the reasons are, you both are in the marriage and that does not give her the right to do it. If you love her and think that it is worth forgiving and forgetting, go for it and talk to her. I also think that the reason why she kept the guy and you at the same time is because she is used to be with someone ( married for so long) and therefore dependant emotionally and found this gut that she liked and wanted to make sure before she leaves you that he is fullfilling all her needs- Also, she introduced the kids in my opinion to see if the kids will click with the guy. It is a dirty way of doing it but I do not see another explanation for that one. Hope this helps... Good luck.
Darth Vader Posted October 14, 2007 Posted October 14, 2007 So how would I go about that? She has stated that I can't kick her out of her house and she would call the cops and probably lie about things. Any more suggestions on how to deal with it? I could change the locks and pack her stuff. She is not here tonight and probably at the OM's place instead of her mothers like she said. The funny thing about that is I don't really care where she is. How long does she have to be missing to file a missing persons report? I would ask your lawyer about abandonment on her part, after all, she leaves to go spend time with OM!
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