Wife having an affair

[Darth Vader]

Don't blame yourself for her cheating, some people cheat just because they want a little strange, that's all.

[tommy13v]

I have been documenting since this ordeal started and have quite the list. Also I recorded some of our phone conversations as well in which she has stated the drug and alcohol issues. At one point I and her family said that she should go for treatment for 30 days just to get things out of her system and guess what, she is thinking about that as well.

 

I married her because I loved her and she can be a great women and I feel really bad for her right now because she is playing with fire. I am not perfect and know that we have had issues for the past year and tried to get things going right and I thought she was as well but she had an emotionally break down in August with not being on a TV show because when the counselor was screening her he said that she was impulsive and would not be ideal for her to be on the show. Well the impulse control came right out and she got drunk and woke up drugged and someone having sex with her and that is when it started to go down hill. This OM she is with now was not that person but coincidentally met him at the bar that same night.

 

I feel sorry for her because this not how she normally acts and it seems more mental than anything.

[Darth Vader]

It sounds to me she's using these mental issues as an excuse to bang other men, drink and use drugs. She's BULLCRAPPING you!

[tommy13v]

Well, I appreciate everything so far. Tomorrow she is suppose to come to our house and we were to have a family day out and about taking pictures. She said she has been thinking about things and I will give her the opportunity to talk but will ultimately ask her to go and be with the OM and I will take care of things at our home.

[Cobra_X30]

Did they ever get the Bastard?!

 

Mom didnt care. Dad didnt know. Sister wont talk about it.

 

I tend to bring up the this possibility to OP in this situation. Rarely do they listen or care. So this time I mentioned WHY I bring this up.

 

I dont like going over this. Because I should have been there... I should have done something....

[Cobra_X30]

I feel sorry for her because this not how she normally acts and it seems more mental than anything.

 

Tommy,

 

Listen... its who she is! She puts on a mask for poeple, so they dont see whats inside! If you really think about it... this person you are seeing now has always been there... inside.

 

You need her out of your life... and full custody too!

[GreenEyedLady]

So how would I go about that? She has stated that I can't kick her out of her house and she would call the cops and probably lie about things.

 

Any more suggestions on how to deal with it? I could change the locks and pack her stuff. She is not here tonight and probably at the OM's place instead of her mothers like she said. The funny thing about that is I don't really care where she is.

 

You need to contact an attorney...There's alot of things that you actually CAN'T do and you need to know what they are...It's one thing if someone leaves voluntarily, but I know where I am, changing the locks is a big no-no, as it's community property...It varies from state to state, but you need to seek counsel...

 

And about the majiuana use, I know this for a fact because it happened to me...My XH was a big pot smoker...I brought it up in the mediation session for visitation, he denied it, and the only thing that happened was that they said in the court papers to refrain from doing drugs or drinking while the kids are with you...I know, UNBELIEVABLE...but the courts can be like that...it depends on where you are...

 

I'm really sorry this is happening to you...Please seek legal advice so you know where you stand and what your rights are...

[BHBV66]

Man I feel your pain. I have a thread too and you can check it out, but you're definitely in a worse situation. I'm proud of you for taking action in moving on in a situation like that. I haven't done it in mine as my W has shown remorse, and her cheating was over Internet (I still have doubts about another incident which I will clarify soon).

 

Point is that staying in the M like that would be way too hurtful, every time you see her you picture her w/ the other guy and it's an awful thing to go thru. Not only have I some-what gone thru that, but I have a friend in worse situation than you, and he has not let go of her, even after moving out and divorce being final. It's so bad w/ him that he hasn't even held a job for more than 2 months in a row. And he kept custody of their only daughter.

 

By the way, the best revenge I've found is to be the most successful man/parent you can ever be, that will eat them up inside, and when they realize it, it'll be too late for them, you'll hopefully be in a successful M.

 

Good luck.

[tommy13v]

You are right. I feel fine about moving on and have let go already, I just need to get things in order so I get my kids. My oldest knows of something going on and says things to me like "Can I have your phone number so that I can call you when mommy loves you again?" or "Mommy's friend should go to jail because he is taking her away from you." That makes me sick to think that my little boy understands this.

 

I am enlisting the help of some people for tomorrow to confront the situation and hopefully she will listen and go for treatment for her issues. I don't want to take her away from her boys but she is making her bed.

 

Wish me luck tomorrow. I will let everyone know what happens if I am able tomorrow night.

[Cobra_X30]

You are right. I feel fine about moving on and have let go already, I just need to get things in order so I get my kids. My oldest knows of something going on and says things to me like "Can I have your phone number so that I can call you when mommy loves you again?" or "Mommy's friend should go to jail because he is taking her away from you." That makes me sick to think that my little boy understands this.

 

I am enlisting the help of some people for tomorrow to confront the situation and hopefully she will listen and go for treatment for her issues. I don't want to take her away from her boys but she is making her bed.

 

Wish me luck tomorrow. I will let everyone know what happens if I am able tomorrow night.

 

I do wish you luck.

 

Also I think GEL is correct. You need to contact a lawyer and get the divorce in motion.

 

If you decide to take her back you can always get remarried!

[underpants]

Dude,

 

I am very sorry for what is happening to you and your family.

 

Now, I am a little p/o ed for you.

 

You would benefit from attaining hard evidence of her cheating. Hire a PI if you can. Enlist the help of ....(those super core friends.. the ones with no investment in you M) if you can't do it anon. Get the evidence. This will help you with your divorce. (on many levels).

 

Yes, do see an attorney also. Discuss it all. Get a pitt bull attorney with a rep. A female one if you can.

 

Some may call it dirty but it is power. It is okay to have power when your family is at jeopardy.

 

Sucks. Keep up the show and let her make her bed/dig her hole. All the while though...build your case and don't let her know what you are doing.

 

Be smart.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Tommy your doing the right thing, your childrens mental and emotional welfare is paramount!

 

Protect your kids!

[KATANYA]

Good Luck Tommy.....I really hope you can convince her to seek treatment. If nothing else it gives you time to put everything else in order. I absolutely agree with other posts that you need a really good lawyer and as much hard evidence as possible. Above all else, don't tip your hand just yet - let her make the ''bed" as everyone says...and, to say it yet again, protect your children!

[Darth Vader]

Mom didnt care. Dad didnt know. Sister wont talk about it.

 

I tend to bring up the this possibility to OP in this situation. Rarely do they listen or care. So this time I mentioned WHY I bring this up.

 

I dont like going over this. Because I should have been there... I should have done something....

 

 

Don't you blame yourself for something that wasn't your fault! You couldn't have known. I just hope your dad dropped your mom after that crap! He deserves better! But he's not the only one!

 

That also goes for the Thread writer too, Don't blame yourself!

[tommy13v]

Update:

 

For some reason on Saturday night I had this feeling that she knew something was up. Of course in my head I thought I would want to hear the words "I'll come back" but never thought that would happen at this point.

 

She calls me about 20 minutes before she was to arrive home for a family day and said she was having a panic attack in the car and that can we just have a nice day as a family. When she said that I knew something was different.

 

She arrived home and didn't say a word to her about the relationship at this point and we went on our way as a family and to have a nice day. My son at one point about half way through the trip said to her "I don't like your friend and don't want you to see him any more." At this point I was out of the car and came back in to hear my son say "She said that she wont talk to him anymore." I was shocked and she turned to me and said that she will not talk to him or see him again.

 

Later on that evening we began to talk and I spelled out what I have learned here and said that I was shocked to hear from my son what was going on. She said that she will come back because of how horribly she is affecting our family and extended family.

 

I said the only way for you to come back is to go for at least a 30 day treatment program and then we can take it from there. She is still thinking about it.

 

Here is the big BUT. She said that the only reason she has come back is because she see's how hurt everyone is and that she knows what she was doing is wrong BUT it's not how she wanted it to be. She feels like she didn't have a choice in letting us down. She wanted it to be some revelation that she realized she loves me and that she would come running home to be with me and that family but instead she is doing what she knows she should be doing but it not how she wants it to be.

 

How am I suppose to deal with that? I am still in a mode of not needing here emotional support to sustain me and I still feel like I can move on.

[Cobra_X30]

How am I suppose to deal with that? I am still in a mode of not needing here emotional support to sustain me and I still feel like I can move on.

 

Stick a fork in this woman! Time to move on!

 

She doesnt love you, she doesnt even know what love is. You deserve someone who does. You need to show your child what love and marriage can truely be!

 

Life is tough, Love is tough, Learn from both!

[bunset]

tommy,

 

I have been the WW(wayward wife) and I recommend the separation, but I feel you really should kick her out. That is just me talking. It actually sounds like you've got your head on straight. I recommend a book called "Getting Back Together" for both of you. She's lost right now. If she can feel that she's lost you, she may get the point. Her talking about 'not deserving you' is a cry for help.

If you want your wife to still be your wife, you do need to fight for her. Show her that you DO want HER. This could be an opportunity for you two to build a better relationship. That is, of course if you really want it. Because it can't be done unless you're willing to really be tough and LOVE her. She does not 'get off scott free' but you're gonna have to demonstrate what she's truly missing.

I strongly agree with what faith4U says.

 

Much peace, strength and health to you and your children...

 

I read all about your story and the replies I would like to tell you that you should not feel that you have to leave. If she is acting weird and wants to call the cops, let her. You have proof that she is cheating on you and if you do not want her in the house she should out of respect to all that you have shared in the past leave the house for a while uintil you two meet again with a final agreement on what you both want to do with your relationship.

 

I think what should matter in all this is you and your children.

 

She does not seem to me that she wants to work out the relationshîp because of what I am reading from you.

 

I think you should seperate as she wanted in the beginning, why not? She is with another man anyhow so why does it matter if she stays? She should feel that she has lost you.

 

Even though that you seem to love her very much, she needs to feel that she has lost you ( even though that you know deep down inside of yuo that you kght want to take care back and forgive and forget).

 

I think you should discuss undiscussed issues that brought you two to this situation, cheating is very wrong but it does not come out of the blue. I know what I am talking about and I know it is very hard for her as well as you. She just does not seem to see clear and seems to run after drugs or alcohol to find her answer and that is not going to help her now or in the future.

 

About the kids and the fact that she introduced them to the guy, it was not a good thing to do but if she is not a pervert herself she is the mom and I think she would know if a man, that is not the father, is acting in a preverted way around her kids. This does not mean that it was right of her to do that, she was WRONG but it is done and what you need to do is stay close to yuor kids so they can tell you everything.

 

It is alwayhs important that you have pieces of evidence when you want to make sure that your kids and your house stays with you. It is easy to proove something that you already know just do it, pictures are facts.

 

Also, I think your wife cheated because she found no way to feel close to you because she or you could not communicate at a certain level. Whatever the reasons are, you both are in the marriage and that does not give her the right to do it. If you love her and think that it is worth forgiving and forgetting, go for it and talk to her.

 

I also think that the reason why she kept the guy and you at the same time is because she is used to be with someone ( married for so long) and therefore dependant emotionally and found this gut that she liked and wanted to make sure before she leaves you that he is fullfilling all her needs-

 

Also, she introduced the kids in my opinion to see if the kids will click with the guy. It is a dirty way of doing it but I do not see another explanation for that one.

 

Hope this helps... Good luck.

[bunset]

She wanted it to be some revelation that she realized she loves me and that she would come running home to be with me and that family but instead she is doing what she knows she should be doing but it not how she wants it to be.

 

How am I suppose to deal with that? I am still in a mode of not needing here emotional support to sustain me and I still feel like I can move on.

 

tommy,

I don't believe in "the fog", but she doesn't have a clue as to what she would be missing. If she's willing to give up all contact with the OM, then she's making an effort. She's weak and she knows it. You will both be on a roller coaster. She will have real problems with giving this up, because she truly doesn't know better. If you can, boost her confidence in her wiser choice to give up on the A. Be her partner, be her self-love coach. Offer her your support and strength for kicking the painful attachment to these self-destructive habits.

You've got the reasoning and common sense in this relationship. She needs much counseling and support.

But if you cannot be the supportive foundation for her to rebuild upon, for up to , let's just say - a year. Then don't put yourself through the wringer.

For everything she says negative, try to find something positive about her, her thoughts or your belief in her. If you can do that, you will have done the best for your family, too. If that doesn't work for you, you already know what to do.

Ask yourself if you want to go through this wringer and still be a rock for her.

[tommy13v]

I am not emotionally attaching myself to her and she is not to me either. Before I even posted what happened, I felt tonight that a separation would still be best but again SHE WON'T LEAVE. I said to her that just because you made a decision to "Come Back" doesn't mean that I am accepting you back. She is still clouded in her head as to the fact that somehow her coming back is what I wanted. At one point that was the case but not when you come back and say I know its the right thing to do but it's not how I wanted it. Am I really suppose to jump for joy? I am not and she is not.

 

She is not a stupid person and knows that I can do better and tells me so. She just doesn't get it still, or maybe I don't get it?

 

I am going to see her through the treatment program, if she goes and then go from there.

 

The support I am getting from people her is great and I appreciate it so far.

[Faith4u]

Waow a lot happened since i wrote last...

Reading all this again, she is acting weird and you can not trust the other man with your kids and she needs to do a lot before you can take her back with full trust right? can you handle this? can you handle her? how can you be sure that she is not playing you somehow? Smells bad...

Stick a fork in this woman! Time to move on!

 

She doesnt love you, she doesnt even know what love is. You deserve someone who does. You need to show your child what love and marriage can truely be!

 

Life is tough, Love is tough, Learn from both!

[tommy13v]

I know her pretty well and know that she is not playing a game here, however I do know that its not like she is a changed person all of a sudden and I am keeping an eye on this. Can I trust her? Not now. Can I do this? not without the help of counselors.

 

Like I said, I will be there through the treatment and we'll see what happens. Her family is saying that they understand if I don't want to stick it out and know that its her doing but I said I would at least stay for her treatment and see how it goes.

[Faith4u]

I think it is a good idea- you can decide when all is sure at that point.

She should feel that she needs to win your trust back. If you make it too easy you MIGHT relive some of this later on your life. Good luck.

 

te=tommy13v;1363767]I know her pretty well and know that she is not playing a game here, however I do know that its not like she is a changed person all of a sudden and I am keeping an eye on this. Can I trust her? Not now. Can I do this? not without the help of counselors.

 

Like I said, I will be there through the treatment and we'll see what happens. Her family is saying that they understand if I don't want to stick it out and know that its her doing but I said I would at least stay for her treatment and see how it goes.