In love with my Ex-Wife

[RevJPC]

My story is “interesting”… I think? You tell me.

 

I was married once before, my first wife died of colon cancer 6 years ago. I married again fairly quickly after she died, to a woman that was much much different from my first wife. We were and are very different people. I went through some very tough times. I abused alcohol and drugs, and therefore my wife and children (never physically, but as a result of the drugged lifestyle). My wife put up with a ton of ****. I was not a good husband to her. After she kicked me out the third time, I went out with some friends and happen to meet up with a girl that I had dated many many years earlier, and still held a torch for. I progressed in the relationship very quickly. My wife and I fought pretty hard over the kids, and in the end she won both of them. Before we were even divorced, my relationship with the other woman started to fall apart, my wife and I started to hang out together. We went out one night, had a few drinks, and did what people do in that situation. At that time she was dating a fireman, whom she was very fond. Over the course of the next year, things went up and down with my girlfriend, and things went sporadically with the ex and her fireman as well. We continued to sleep together, hang out, and generally “date”. It was easy, and since we have children together it is especially easy.

 

My relationship with this girlfriend finally came to a complete halt in February. I have a place of my own, but stay with my ex-wife at least 5 days a week. I felt like our “relationship” was progressing towards a possible reconciliation. I have stabilized in a lot of different ways in my life, and would very much like to have my family back. I am in love with my ex-wife. I love being around my kids all the time, and I love being with her. I have passion with her, that is higher than it ever was when we were married. I absolutely LOVE making love with her. We know each other very well in this area, and make each other feel very good. I like the whole package, there is no uncertainty about my desire to be back together with her.

 

Now… the problem.

 

She definitely still has feelings for the fireman. He has been in and out of her life, but she would honestly like to be with him. He tells her in no uncertain terms that he does not want a relationship with her. When he is in between girlfriends, he calls her, and they go out once or twice and she becomes very enamored with him. He doesn’t treat her poorly, but I think that he uses her to a certain extent, albeit I believe unintentionally. Honestly, they have only seen each other about 15 times over the year plus that they have dated off and on, it’s never been a very involved relationship. Here is the funny thing. When things are going the best between him and her… she seems to be the happiest with me. We sleep together regularly; she kisses me and tells me she loves me, etc etc. They have talked on the telephone regularly. Last week, a mutual friend of there’s asked her out for drinks. This guy is actually the one that set her up with the fireman. So they go out for a drink, he tries to put the moves on her a bit, citing that they have “sexual tension” between them, and also tells her that the fireman is dating someone. She was quite upset about the fact that he is dating someone. She seemed to go into fridged mode. I would crawl into bed with her, and she would push me away. I would sleep in the bed she’d sleep on the couch. If I tried anything, she’d turn me down.

 

I realize that this story now seems pretty twisted, but the truth is, that I want to be with her. I want to be her first choice, but I don’t see that happening. In my mind I know the problems that we will face if we do “get back together”. I will be horribly insecure with her and the fireman. I will cringe when the phone rings. I will fear that they will see each other etc. But on the other side, I truly want to be with her AND my kids. I want my family back and I know that I will have to endure some pain that in a lot of ways I created. If I hadn’t ****ed up the relationship in the first place, we wouldn’t be here. I do not want to meet another woman, with or without kids, and try to make another family. I want the one that I have… the one that is there. I spilled my guts out to her a while back and told her “I know that my timing sucks. I understand that this is going to be a lot of work and very difficult. But I am in love with you and I want to be a family!”. She questions my sincerity, and I don’t blame her. I left when things were bad, how could she trust that I wouldn’t do it again? Hell, I was telling her 6 months ago that this girlfriend was the love of my life! I’m fickle like The Pope is Catholic!

 

So, with that all said, last night she made love with me. Among the hundreds of times we have made love, it was mediocre. Sex is definitely like pizza, even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty damn good, and this certainly wasn’t bad by any means, it just wasn’t one for the record book. Like the time we did it standing up outside of the car, mid-day, just off a busy road. Or when I made her come while she was sitting in the driveway at my parent’s house with our two children wide-awake in the backseat. Or the time we went to a friend’s party took a very small hit of ecstasy, and must have done it for 15 hours straight. I can vividly remember many times over the past year that we have had passion like no other. By comparison I really cannot recall anytime with the girlfriend. I feel like I know my ex-wife’s body like it was my own. I can touch her with my fingers and it almost feels like I am touching myself. All of this has come about since we separated. Although I am still the same person I was while I was married to her, I am now in the state-of-mind, that she always wanted me to be, while we were married. To me, it seems like we could potentially have a really fabulous relationship and family, if she would let it happen. I would much rather stay at home with her and watch a movie with her on any Friday or Saturday night now. I am in love with her, with my family, and everything that goes along with it. I am passionate about it.

 

One more tiny thing and then I’ll post and wait for responses. We also are working together. It could be a soap opera… but I think it would be too much J

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Here is the funny thing. When things are going the best between him and her… she seems to be the happiest with me."

 

Well, it seems in your case that firemen aren't just good for putting "fires" out!!!

 

Very interesting story...but too much concentration on the sexual aspect of your relationship with your ex-wife. Is there a reason for that?

 

I also think there's more here than meets the eye. This relationship with the fireman...he has told her in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want a relationship with your ex, yet she is still obsessed with him. Then when she is with him, "she seems happiest" with you. Could this be a matter of transference...taking her feelings for him and moving them over to you since he isn't wanting anything with her and you are?

 

Until you get to a counsellor with your ex, and by all means invite the fireman along, and get all this untwisted you are going to have a hell of a life.

 

I have no particular advice for you, except give generously the next time the local firefighters have a fundraiser....and it seems they help raise more than just funds (in your case).

 

Best of luck to you!!!

[RevJPC]

Yeah, the sexual aspects are important. I do not mean to give the sex part any undue importance. It was not intentional. I hope that I did not mislead anyone that I am in someway wanting the fireman in the picture. Quite the contrary; I wish that she did not want to be involved with him anymore. And perhaps that is coming. I do see a psychologist, weekly (tomorrow thank god!), and I do talk about this a lot… but the funny thing is that my “life story” is actually much more complex than this individual issue, if you can believe that. I did post here looking for replies, although I am aware that I did not ask any “questions”. My initial post was quite long; I truncated it to keep it readable. It seems like when I read posts like this, you want to see some feedback and then perhaps some more added to the initial post.

 

So I’ll add. The fireman dated her for a while, but reminded her that he was not looking for a long term or committed relationship. Her response was always that she did not want or need any more than they were having. However, apparently he sensed something different, because he “broke up” with her, and told her that it was because he thought that it was getting to serious. At the height of the relationship they never saw each other more than twice a month, so this guy likes to keep things at a distance much further than I can comprehend. When she would confide in me about him (before I fell back in love with her?), I told her that it seemed like he is either seeing many different women, or is just such a recluse that he is not worth pursuing. If the former is true, it would seems strange that he does tell her when he is seeing someone, and limits the contact that they have to telephone conversations. I have also thought that this guy is preying on her. She is a “single” mom, he is a successful guy… of course she is going to want more with him. The “shoplifting the pooty” line comes to mind J She also has given into him too much. It’s funny, but having been a guy dating, you do only date the ones that don’t put out on the first date. She has made herself very available to him sexually (here we go back to the sexual aspect?!?!?!) and from the first date. If he is dating many women, I bet he has a LOT of them, because the way he does things is text-book. Tom Leykis would be proud (except she is a single mom). The way he operates he could have 100 women acting just like her. If it were 100 women that I were not involved with, I’d think the guy was right-on. But since it’s with MY WIFE, I think he should choose more wisely.

 

You know, I really haven’t read much on here. Is this an appropriate place for my rants?

[RevJPC]

I took a look around.

 

I am in the right place for sure

[BrkenHearted]

Dear Rev JPC,

 

I feel really bad for you and the situation In wich you are In but have you ever thought to yourself that maybe you put this on your own. I'm not sure what your relationship was like before but I can tell you from my past experience. I too have posted my story and my husband of 3 1/2 yrs left me and my child not sure If you did the same to your ex-wife. But my situation was very complicated I and him did cheat on each other but I never once slept with any one but kiss 2 guys on the other hand he had a relationship with someone while In the marriage and I still feel he Is continuing that relationship. And I still miss him and do love him and need him but he keeps refusing me I know there Is nothing wrong with me cause I get asked out frequently but I still have very strong feelings for my ex. But I do In some ways understand your wife cause when you guys seperated and If she tryed to get back with you as I did with my ex and you keeped refusing her and now you want to be with her, than how can she believe your sincerity I don't blame her but I do feel bad for you cause when you thought you had It bad you just didn't know. Maybe you felt It could be better on the other side you know they say the grass Isn't always greener on the other side and In your case you may of learned the hard way. And I say that because you may have lost her for good. But there could always be a chance If she does still Love you and can trust you again but you need to work hard on It cause you left her when she needed you the most. Good luck to you and I wish you the best as I do In my situation.

[markd]

If there is any chance that you can make it work with the X then go for it. I wish I had the opportunity to be in the same room with my Xwife, to see her face, and smell her hair, and touch her body. Unfortunately, I havent seen her since she got on a plane and headed off to her new life with my kids.

[RevJPC]

Re: If there is any chance that you can make it work with the X then go for it. I wish I had the opportunity to be in the same room with my Xwife, to see her face, and smell her hair, and touch her body. Unfortunately, I havent seen her since she got on a plane and headed off to her new life with my kids.

 

Hmmmm... Well, I can understand why you would be jealous; however, you may be much better off than I, in time. I am on the phone with my ex as I write. As I had said before, I work with her. Last night, I slept with her (not sex), and yes I love to caress her face, run my fingers through her hair, and my absolute favorite, kiss her goodbye in the morning, when I leave before she wakes up in the morning. However, it may be misleading... she was talking to me yesterday, telling me that "We are NOT dating", and wanting to make that abundantly clear, so that if she wants to go on a date next Thursday, I wont "flip-out" as she put it.

 

I told her that I probably wont "flip-out", but that I would be lying if I said that the thought of her being with someone else makes me physically sick to the stomach. She reminded me that this is all a result of my actions. I am the one who left and moved in with another woman... I tell her that I understand, that this was all my doing, but that I do hope I can make up for it. She says that I can't.

 

Most people would think that it would be wonderful to have a great memory? I don't. Her memory is perfect; she can remember every last detail of anything that has happened in the last ten years. She will never forget the anguish that I put her through. I told her that what I would like to do is make enough money to provide for her and the kids, maybe make another one, and for her to stay at home with them, the way we did before. She said, "There is no way I am ever going to be reliant on someone that way again, let alone you". Am I insane for thinking that this is still not only a possibility, but something that will happen? Optimist? I guess I just know that love will prevail. She will have a very hard time for years to come and I understand that. She says a lot that she does not want to go back to where we were. I tell her that I could not agree more, but that I know that there is a future for us, and that the potential for us is great, and that it will have some similarities to the life we had before, but that we both have grown and changed enormously, and that we wont ever be where we were again. She feels that I am fickle. I can't blame her. My history isn't real good. But she has faith in me, and I love that!

 

 

This is really cool. Thanks markd, BrkenHearted and everyone!

[RevJPC]

The sweet is never as sweet without the sour

[RevJPC]

The first time I heard the word pizza used as a metaphor, for sex was by my wife. She said that sex is like Pizza, even when it’s bad; it’s still pretty darn good. I have a friend that I used to see at a meeting that I went to twice a week and she uses it. We would embellish, and say that sometimes garlic bread and/or a salad go well with Pizza, or sometimes even on it’s own. Referring of course to oral sex or other sexual acts.

 

So last night I had hopes of having Pizza when she got home from work (which was quite late, but OK.. 11pm). I’m going to go of on a tangent for a bit here. Yesterday she’d asked if I would stay with the kids while she went to the doctor (routine 10,000 mile check up as she refers to it). So, I’m at her house with our daughter Zoe. She comes in around 5:30, and states that she needs me to drop a package off at the post office and could I do that please. So Zoe and I left, dropped off the package, stopped by the grocery store, and went back. When we walked in the front door I smelled the strong just been put on perfume that she wears beautifully. I walked into the bedroom and saw that there was a wet towel on the floor. I was for a second panicked that she was not going to the doctor, but out on a date or something. Then she called. And I’m telling you; this girl is one of the good ones! She just called and just wanted to make sure that I knew where our son Chandler was, and make sure that everything was OK, and that we have enough to eat. So sweet. I told her that we had stopped at the store and bought the makings for soft tacos. She informed me that she would not be home early because she needed to go back to work after the doctors appointment. Is everyone reading this stomach turning at this point? Well my insecure little mind sure reeked-havoc on me. But god damn it, she called while she was at the doctors office, called on the cell phone on her way to the work office, called repeatedly from work, and told me more than once that she wished she was at home with us. She even said home with ME! Usually is’s the kids. It’s funny how when you’re in love with someone who is not quite as enamored with you, you read anything and everything between the lines. Anything she says I take as a sure sign that she is coming around.

 

OK back to the Pizza. This morning we had Pizza, wonderful, satisfying, and spicy, warm Pizza. Even though we had not done it in about a week, it was not as quick (Delivery: metaphorically speaking) as I would have thought it would have been. Her favorite Pizza position is from behind with me reaching around to knead the dough. J

 

So… I guess I just like to write on here, kind of journalistic. Pehaps I’ll go check out one of those on-line journal places..

[Paul]

Originally posted by RevJPC

So… I guess I just like to write on here, kind of journalistic. Pehaps I’ll go check out one of those on-line journal places..

 

Coming soon, to a LoveShack.org near you... Shhhhh.

[RevJPC]

Thought de jour. I have often said that the basic psychology of love can be summed up in one simple sentence. You want the most, what you cannot have. The “girlfriend” that I ****ed up my life for, was a prime example. I had dated her for a period of time when I was just 18 years old. I ended the relationship to date the woman that would eventually become wife #1. Shortly after I left her crying on the curb, I found myself wanting her back. When I tried to rekindle the relationship, she was unavailable for years and years, hence the growing attraction to her. After wife #1 died, and wife #2 and I are having problems, abracadabra… there she is. So I leave my wife and children to pursue this mirage of a former relationship. Everyone in the world could see that this woman would not be good for anyone. She has more problems than any one woman should have, I wont even begin to go into them.

 

So interestingly, now that I have my head back and mounted in the forward position, it’s my wife that is elusive. After all she is dealing with the “Basic Psychology of Love” principal now with “The Fireman”. At 32 (dangerously close to 33) I don’t want to play games… I don’t want to have to, go home and be alone and pretend to be busy, so that in turn my wife will want what she perceives she can’t have. But I don’t have any choice really… it’s just a fact, when you’re in a relationship and one person wants the other more then the second is ready to give… the first person has to act like the second person, in order for the second person to act the way the first person wants them to… like the first person. Follow me???

 

I spend the night most nights with the ex. Every once in a while, she asks me to go home for the night, because I am “invading her space” or if there is a relative in town that is coming over that does not know that we are quasi-still-together. Or there are times that I say I need to go home tonight, because I haven’t been there in quite some time, or need to for this reason or that. Of those times over the past 4-5 months, when I say that… you guessed it, she wants me to stay. It is the essential B.P.L. at work. This is just a small example, and I don’t have the stomach to try it full throttle yet. I’m afraid that if I tried it with the full force (say, staying away for more than one day at a time, or two or three days in a week), it would backfire on me.

 

Is anyone reading this? I realize that I am doing it for cathartic reasons mainly, but would like to hear any input that you have… even if it’s sarcastic or negative, or whatever, just to get a feel for who and how many are reading it.

 

G’Bye~

Rev. JPC

[NEONINK]

I think I would focus on why do you want what you cannot have?

 

Does it boost your self-esteem to chase? Does it make you feel young and unattainable again? Or are you fearful of emotional intimacy?

 

I thought you post seemed way too sexual also. I didn't hear a lot of intimacy of the emotions going on here, in any of your past or present relationships. It seems mostly physical for you.

[RevJPC]

Gosh, it's interesting that you say that. I do like sex, of course... but I have always been and continue to be, more into the intimacy than the act itself. With my ex, we have been having sex regularly for over a year now, and the “problems” really only began when I started to want “more” than just sex. After breaking things off with the girl that I left her for, and then spending some required time alone, I began to really want more of the huggy kissy stuff more than sex. I want to be a family with her and with my kids. Things seem to be going especially well the past few days, it seems like she is perhaps considering me more “her boyfriend” than she was before. I have a way of reading more into it, than is really there sometimes, but maybe I’m right… who knows.

 

That said, I had come back here, to cathartically cleans myself, but was sidetracked by the recent post about my fixation on sex.

 

Like I have mentioned before; we work together. (side note, I am going to now refer to my ex as ‘C’, instead of “The Ex” or whatever else I call her…) So I am in the lunchroom, and she is talking to out mutual boss. She is talking about this guy that she has had a working relationship with, and how he called her and asked her out in a rather impolite manner. Rather than asking her out for coffee, or lunch, or some other 1st date kind of activity, he informed her that he had a bottle of champagne and would like for her to come over for a hot tub. C and the boss were laughing, and she was saying that she turned him down, that she didn’t feel well, and that she was picking up her daughter. This rubbed me the wrong way, and is the catalyst for me writing. She could see that it upset me, and asked about it. I told her that it bothered me… that I wished we were a couple and that her response would have been “Sorry, I’m seeing someone”, or something along those lines. She just kind of shrugged it off, and said “Don’t be silly”. Which did make me feel better.

 

Our relationship has been progressing in my estimation, as much as I could really ask for, given the circumstances. She seems to be warming up. I predicted (to myself) that he coldness towards me would wear off as the stinging from the fireman’s disclosure that he is dating someone, faded. Two nights ago she worked very late. When she got home, I was awake and had cleaned the house quite thoroughly. We fell asleep and then in the morning made love quite wonderfully (back to the sex… I know!). Afterwards we got up and were getting ready for the day. She looked around at the house and said something to the effect of “Wow, you really cleaned this place up… were you trying to get lucky?” I said, yeah… and it worked J but now I have one in reserve. We laughed and then I went and got her a coffee.

 

My job here is less important than hers, and she is paid more money. When we were married she stayed home with the kids, because that’s how we both saw it should be. When we split obviously she had to work. She has been working very hard, and I not as much. Yesterday she expressed her dismay that we have reversed roles. I have been spending much more time with the kids, and she works all the time. I told her, and it’s true, that if things go the way, I would like them to, I’ll start making more money, take care of some past due bills, and then maybe she can do a little work at home, but for the most part, go back to taking care of the kids. Of course we may need to add another one, to justify the position, but that is something that we both would like anyway. When I told her this, she did not say “No way!” or any of the things that I would think she would say if she were completely apposed to the idea. So that was revitalizing. That just gets my engine revved up, that maybe… just maybe she is going to give me another chance to be a family. I promise. I promise I won’t **** it up if she does!

[NEONINK]

hmm... just wondering, since firemen are usually in shape, I was just wondering if you take care of your body, health, teeth, gums and hair? =)

 

Losing a few pounds always looks good... Give her something to think about next time you slip your shirt off...

 

And if she does commit back to you, do you think you can remain committed? That would mean overcoming the 'I want what I can't have phase'.

[RevJPC]

Interesting… I’m going to rant today. Can I just get a hint as to how many people are reading this? Cause as I said, the writing is cathartic for me, but I’m curious if anyone is following my story here. This weekend was very good. ‘C’ really opened up to me. Friday night I told her how happy it makes me that she is such a wonderful mom, and that I know even if we get back together, we may not be able to have more children (our daughter was born 11 weeks premature due to an incompetent cervix, she was on bed rest for 2 ½ months before that!!!), but if everything goes right, I sure would like to. I went to give her a hug, and she hugged me back in a way that I know where she is at now… emotionally. Timing wise, this is “as expected”. She was grieving the breakup with the fireman, and didn’t want anything to do with any men for a few weeks, now she is emotionally available again. On Saturday night we had our bosses kids (9 year old girl, 4 year old boy and 3 year old boy), to go along with our 2 (6 year old boy, 3 year old girl), and had a great time. She loves our kids, and if everything else was going well would love to have as many more as possible. Maybe adopt a few… have another, you know, a whole mad house. I like the idea as well, but I have got to get it together financially. I work in the mortgage business, and have an opportunity to make a lot of money, as long as I stay focused, not obsess about her (I have a tendency to do that), and really work towards the goal of having enough money to not be struggling every month. We don’t need tons of money, we never have, but we do need more if we want more kids. Those things are expensive.

 

OK, in answer to your question about my weight and the fireman’s body, yada yada. ‘C’ is a self proclaimed “Chubby Chaser”, all the guys she has dated are bigger. Not huge, but you know, stocky guys. I am about 20 lbs bigger than I like to be. But a year ago I was 30 lbs lighter, and she did not think that I was as attractive as I am now. Like I said… I would like to be 20 or 30 lighter. I also prefer her a little meatier. I say that, but she is funny about it because the woman that I left her for was quite skinny (bulimia will do that). Over the past year, I have gained weight and so has she. I was at the doctors office the other day. Before I got on the scale, I made 3 women in the office guess my weight. 175, 180 and 185 were the guesses. I’m at 217. So I look skinnier than I am. She has a hard time getting over 105 (5’4”), she is better at losing weight than gaining it. We were working on a mothers day present for my mom, on Saturday night, and I saw some pictures of 2 guys she dated while we were “separated” and then her fiancé that died many years ago (we both lost people to cancer, her fiancé & my 1st wife) BTW: I am almost 33 she is 29. I noticed that all of them were bigger than me and also were losing there hair, and shaved it all off. I have all my hair, and am quite unattractive bald, I’ve tried it. I asked her about there resemblance to one another, but not me. Her response was simply that I seem to choose blondes, except for her. So, that’s that. We had pretty fantastic Pizza on Saturday night.

 

Rev JPC

[NEONINK]

Well, I must say, I wish I would find somebody that liked a few extra lbs... Otherwise, I'm always trying to lose that 20 lbs. for so and so...

 

Ok, so you have made progress with her heart, you're communicating honestly, you feel good...

 

But you didn't answer my other question...

And if she does commit back to you, do you think you can remain committed? That would mean overcoming the 'I want what I can't have phase'.

 

For each of you, I really wonder, considering you've both had the forbidden fruit outside the marriage. Will you miss the rush and excitement of affairs? Can you create that rush within your marriage?

 

I hope for your children, you go for it competely though... Family life is much preferred to haphazard.