is there really the right one?

[StillConfused]

I am 32 year old women... and I still wonder if the right one really exists... I've had several long-term relationships in my life and who has always escaped was me... all of my ex guys treated me well, wanted to marry me and spend the rest of their lives with me... but none of them felt "right" to me... and every time I felt the pressure of the marriage, I walked out. Are their actually perfect relationships? is there something wrong with me? I have this constant image in my head of how my soul mate should be. Do you think that I'm just being unrealistic? Do you think that I should just stay with the next nice guy and create a family? Considering my age, I can't of course spend the rest of my life looking for the Mr. Right. One of the issues I have is that people that get irritated are a total turn off for me... But then again I guess there aren't people that don't get irritated. All of my relationships gave me quite a bit but never enough for me to feel "at home". In all of my relationships as soon as my boyfriend or fiancee would raise a voice because he'd get upset or angry for anything, I'd just immediately start thinking that this relationship was not good for me. I think this is related to my childhood. My dad was violent and often he would get physically and verbally abusive to my mom and myself... I am wondering if this has all got to do with it. I did actually meet one man in my life that I thought was the love of my life. We were totally compatible character-wise. We had the same way of thinking, feeling, the same interests and desires. But he had an "ex" girlfriend that never walked out of his life. He dragged on his so called "ex" relationship with her for so long that I just got scared that he was a total lier and cheater and he would do the same to me... and I ran... My "total" love for him disappeared quite quickly once I started doubting that he was lying to me and got shattered into so many pieces and now ever time I run into him (and it has not been so long) I feel no love for him... So, I guess what I am asking is whether I am the problem. Whether I should see a psychologist to find out what my issues are so that I could actually commit myself to a marriage. Thanks.

[michaelk]

Finding your soulmate is not about finding a perfect person. It's a fact that people will get irritated and even angry at times. That doesn't mean they're not your soulmate. You need to focus on the important things.

 

You should find someone you feel "at home" with. Who accepts you unconditionally, who you can be uninhibited around, and who feels like a part of you.

 

Having said that, it sure sounds like you have trouble getting past a certain point in your relationships. You've said you've been the one to walk away from LTRs with good men. It sounds like you even have a good idea about what's holding you back (your childhood issues).

 

I highly recommend seeing a therapist, based on my own experiences. You have an idea what your issues are and you seem motivated to work on them. And try to see a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. You don't need someone who's going to resort to meds when you don't need them.

 

Even if you are not "the problem", leading a more examined life is a positive thing, and will help you in all aspects of your life.

[Ocean-Blue]

I am 32 year old women... and I still wonder if the right one really exists... I've had several long-term relationships in my life and who has always escaped was me... all of my ex guys treated me well, wanted to marry me and spend the rest of their lives with me... but none of them felt "right" to me... and every time I felt the pressure of the marriage, I walked out. Are their actually perfect relationships? is there something wrong with me? I have this constant image in my head of how my soul mate should be. Do you think that I'm just being unrealistic? Do you think that I should just stay with the next nice guy and create a family? Considering my age, I can't of course spend the rest of my life looking for the Mr. Right. One of the issues I have is that people that get irritated are a total turn off for me... But then again I guess there aren't people that don't get irritated. All of my relationships gave me quite a bit but never enough for me to feel "at home". In all of my relationships as soon as my boyfriend or fiancee would raise a voice because he'd get upset or angry for anything, I'd just immediately start thinking that this relationship was not good for me. I think this is related to my childhood. My dad was violent and often he would get physically and verbally abusive to my mom and myself... I am wondering if this has all got to do with it. I did actually meet one man in my life that I thought was the love of my life. We were totally compatible character-wise. We had the same way of thinking, feeling, the same interests and desires. But he had an "ex" girlfriend that never walked out of his life. He dragged on his so called "ex" relationship with her for so long that I just got scared that he was a total lier and cheater and he would do the same to me... and I ran... My "total" love for him disappeared quite quickly once I started doubting that he was lying to me and got shattered into so many pieces and now ever time I run into him (and it has not been so long) I feel no love for him... So, I guess what I am asking is whether I am the problem. Whether I should see a psychologist to find out what my issues are so that I could actually commit myself to a marriage. Thanks.

 

With as many people as there are in this world, I don't think there is "the one". Rather, I think there are many people who could be potential partners. If you have the basics (chemistry, mutual respect, love, etc) then you can attempt to build a strong relationship that could lead to something permanent.

 

We are constantly bombarded with the idea that there is really only one person for us out there (just have a look at some of the more popular shows on TV). This is a bunch of bull.

 

HOWEVER, I have to say that sometimes, you click with certain people in a way that you can't really explain sometimes... But if you delve further, you can usually figure out why you're attracted to them as much as you are.

 

I think you should seek therapy. You sound pretty normal/healthy to me. However, your childhood experience may be hindering you from developing long lasting relationships (i.e. the fact that you leave if a SO "irritates" you). You are bound to irritate and be irritated. It's just the male-female dynamic...something you can't escape.