Bree2399 Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 16 months. I am almost 24, he is 28. We recently moved in together and are very much in love. We both have steady, good paying jobs that we enjoy. He talks about a future with me (buying a house, having kids, a wedding). He had mentioned dates of possible proposals....but they have all come and went. (HE mentioned the dates in MAY). He planned a beautiful vacation to California for us and I thought it could maybe happen there...but it didn't. I don't bug him or really ask about when or if its going to happen because I don't want to pressure him. My dad (being the old fashioned Italian dad) asked him recently what his intentions are with me. He said he wants to marry me someday. HIS friends also asked him while we were moving "When are you two going to get engaged?" (THAT COMMENT WAS FROM A GUY!) (ALL of his friends are married or engaged also). He told them that we would in the future. I just don't understand why he is dragging his feet with this? Its not like he's waiting because he's planning some big thing (which is fine) or for a romantic moment...he's already missed a TON. He's not waiting to save $ for a ring (he already has plenty of that to spend on a ring (his words....not mine), and I DONT want an expensive one anyway - and he knows that). I am just getting tired and frustrated with being disappointed about potential dates and events (THAT HE MENTIONED) that come and go with NO proposal. For instance, he said he'd like to maybe do it at a baseball game (since I am a BIG fan). He took me to a game for our anniversary (although the game was several months after the anniversary)- the announcers at one point said..."Its proposal time.." and on the screen came a proposal (obviously NOT for me) - at which point my heart just sank. He had even handed me a small catalog of jewlery from I think Kays and told me to pick out stuff I liked.....the small catalog was like maybe 8 pages long....7 of which were ALL engagement or wedding rings....turns out he meant the ONE page of NON Wedding jewlery. I don't want to wake up like 2 years from now and STILL not be engaged after living with him for that long (because I know the years can go by quck - I was in a SIX YEAR relationship before this with no engagement either - in which I heard the "I'm going to propose to you in the future" lines as well). Any insight? PS- I know that 16 months isnt an incredibly long time....but if you're going to give a girl possible dates of proposals, don't you think its cruel to NOT do it??? Link to post Share on other sites
Sean0775 Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 You could always turn the tables and propose to him just to be a smart-*ss. I can see both sides of the coin really. While 16 months isn't a long time, he shouldn't be talking about it constantly if he's not going to follow through. Playing games = fail. Link to post Share on other sites
Kalamazoo Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 You need to tell him how you feel. If you're going to be spending the rest of your lives together, communication is absolutely necessary. Tell him that it is not fair to be leading you on and setting you up for dissapointment after dissapointment; if he doesn't plan on doing in soon then ask him to stop talking about it all together. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 My GF works with a woman who was going out with a guy for something less than a year. She felt they were wasting time and told him that they were either going to get married or she wanted out. So he dumped her. She's a mess, depressed, missing work...a complete wreck. I'm sure if given the choice she wouldn't have pressured him. Now in your case, it's a slightly different situation. You have been together a bit longer. But if you push him to commit before he's ready, he might leave. Or, he will agree to marriage because he doesn't want to lose you, which is for the wrong reason. You are going to have to come to terms with what's right for YOU. He may NEVER come around. He knows you want to get engaged, that's why he's throwing out those stall tactics, which in actuality are causing more problems than if he just kept his mouth shut. Maybe draw a line in the sand...if a certain date comes and goes, and he still hasn't commited, you will move on...and let him know this. Just an idea. There isn't an easy answer here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bree2399 Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 I could propose to him....but I feel like the man should do that...I also know that he is the type of guy who would be flattered...but feels like he should be the one proposing and feel like "less of a man" if I was the one to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 I could propose to him.... Don't propose to him. He doesn't want to marry you. At least not right now. If he did, he would have already asked you. Putting him on the spot like that is forcing the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bree2399 Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 You need to tell him how you feel. If you're going to be spending the rest of your lives together, communication is absolutely necessary. Tell him that it is not fair to be leading you on and setting you up for dissapointment after dissapointment; if he doesn't plan on doing in soon then ask him to stop talking about it all together. Thanks....I know....we have talked about it....I don't think it helped much though....but i dont think he realized that doing those things makes me feel so awful.... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Thanks....I know....we have talked about it....I don't think it helped much though....but i dont think he realized that doing those things makes me feel so awful.... You need to tell him that. He needs to understand that he is jeopardizing his relationship with you and make you feel like crap in the process. IF he truly wants to marry you, he's not going to want to hurt you like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bree2399 Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 You need to tell him that. He needs to understand that he is jeopardizing his relationship with you and make you feel like crap in the process. IF he truly wants to marry you, he's not going to want to hurt you like that. I did....thats how I came to the conclusion that he probably didn't realize that he was being an a**. I am just getting sick of this stuff happening...I just wish he would do it already and stop pushing it off if he really does have intentions to marry me like he's told me, my dad and his friends. We live together, we're saving for a house and we know each other very well....we've both been there for each other through some very hard times...and he says he's ready and wants to....so I just don't get it..... Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 ...and he says he's ready and wants to....so I just don't get it..... You DO get it. Actions speak louder than words. It's that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 I did....thats how I came to the conclusion that he probably didn't realize that he was being an a**. I am just getting sick of this stuff happening...I just wish he would do it already and stop pushing it off if he really does have intentions to marry me like he's told me, my dad and his friends. We live together, we're saving for a house and we know each other very well....we've both been there for each other through some very hard times...and he says he's ready and wants to....so I just don't get it..... So what happened? You told him his behavior - all the marriage talk and the potential proposal dates he gave you - was hurting you when he wasn't actually proposing, and he didn't realize he had been hurting you. And he's still continuing? Or has he stopped talking about marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bree2399 Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 So what happened? You told him his behavior - all the marriage talk and the potential proposal dates he gave you - was hurting you when he wasn't actually proposing, and he didn't realize he had been hurting you. And he's still continuing? Or has he stopped talking about marriage? We only had the talk a few days ago...so there hasn't been much oportunity for more marriage chatter....although, we went on a very long walk around the neighborhood and he pointed out several of the houses for sale and said what he liked/didn't like about them and when we got home he looked up the prices of some them. So he's still planning future stuff with me, which is ok. Its just hard to deal with the whole situation.... was hoping to see if anyone had any ideas what he was thinking? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 We can't really tell you what he's really thinking. He's the only one who can do that, and I guess he didn't tell you what he was thinking when you talked to him a couple of days ago? Guys who want to get married propose. If he hasn't proposed, he's not ready. And unless he explains what he is thinking, you won't know if he's just not ready, or if he's never going to be ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 See my bf is the opposite. We don't ever talk about proposals, engagement, or marriage. However, he does inquire "hypothetically" about jewelery stores, rings, ect. We have talked about moving in together in May (when I finish masters degree). So we do talk about that. We talk about our future together but not in detail such as engagement and proposals, ect. It's hard to be in a serious relationship but not talk about that kind of thing, however I do know that my bf isn't ready to propose to me (he hasn't said so, but I just know he's not). This guy isn't ready, if he was he would have proposed already. I think your best course of action would just be to tell him that when he is ready to propose, for him to do it. Don't talk about marriage or proposals, but tell him to just surprise you when he is ready to do so. He may feel pressure (sounds like he created most of it though) and thats why he is hesitating. And YOU shouldn't talk about any of that either. If he brings it up just act non-chalant about the whole thing. If he was going to propose to you he would. Simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
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