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[velos142]

Hello all! Thanks to much great advice from you folks I am coping way better than I thought I could ever with the recent break-up. However, I have a question about coping with the friendship my ex & I are trying to build.

 

During the course of our relationship she often urged me to get off my backside & get out into the world - meet new people, do different things and the like. I made some admitably half hearted attempts to do these things when we were together but never stuck with them largely b/c I was content in my dependency on her.

 

Since she moved away about a month & a half ago (the break up however, only occured like two weeks ago) I have been taking the steps she always urged me to take - doing volunteer work, being more open with people & making new friends while renewing old friendships I thought I had trashed in my being completely dependent on her.

 

When I tell my ex that I am doing these things she gets really angry, telling me that it is hurtful that I am doing now what I wouldn't (or couldn't) do when we were together. Yet, when she decided to move away & continue our relationship as a LDR she stated that one of her reasons was that she thought both of us would only break through the dependency cycle if we put some distance between us. Why then is she so angry with me b/c I am doing what she always said to do?

 

So last night I am on the phone with her & my cell phones. I stoically ignore it until she says just answer your phone. So I set down the hand set, grab my cell & quickly tell a friend of mine that I will call back but when I pick up the handset the line is dead (I must have set it down wrong & broke the connection).

 

I call her bak & she has her phone turned off - which usually means she doesn't want to talk. I leave a quick voice message, wait 5 or 10 minutes & call my friend back, while we were chatting the ex calls back on my screaming about what a jerk I am for being on the phone with my friend & how I shouldn't even bother to call her again.

 

 

Was I mistaken in calling my friend back instead of waiting half the night for the ex to respond to my voice mail? I really a little confused here...

[Just A Girl2]

First of all, what ages are you both?

 

How long had you been together?

 

What do you think she'd meant by her saying in the past that you were too dependent on her? Did you spend all your free time with her and not have a 'life' outside of your relationship? Were you spending part of each day of the week with her? What do you think she meant?

 

The fact that she's all p*ssy about you "taking her advice", I can see 2 ways.....Yes, she's likely somewhat irritated that only NOW after she's moved away and ended things, you're doing what SHE feels was needed.....but on the other hand, I think it's really rude of her to be so snippy about it, what you're doing is a great thing, and what the hell does she expect you to do now, sit at home in the corner, pining over her? You're not together anymore, right? So obviously you need to get out there and do things and stay busy. Sounds a little like she's being immature here.

 

The fact that she flipped out on you, about the phonecall, well that's just REALLY immature. She's the one who told you to take the call, right? Sounds like maybe she's all jealous now, that you have friends calling.....which is HER problem, not yours.........and the way she handles things, by turning her phone off because she "doesn't want to talk" and then calling you back to ream you out, that's really childish and tacky...and it's sort of hypocritical. She wanted you to get out there and make friends and have a life, now you do and she's all pouty about it. Boohoo. Totally her problem to deal with, you're not in the wrong at all.

 

And what do you mean she moved away...had you been living together? Or did she move to another town/city? If the latter, she obviously must have done it for reasons other than just wanted to create some distance so you wouldn't be so dependent on her? (cuz that's a pretty drastic move).

 

JAG

[Carly]

There is an old saying, "With friends like that, who needs enemies."

 

Your ex gives really good advice: Get out and enjoy life, do meaninglful volunteer work, rekindle old friendships.

 

But judging from her hostile behaviors toward you (attacks you when you tell her about your new life, refuses to answer your call), she's a loser when it comes to maintaining a friendship.

 

And just in case you are harbouring any fantasies of getting back with her:

 

In my opinion, if someone can't be a decent friend, they are a write off as a romantic partner. Forget about her and move on.

[midori]

I couldn't agree more. Don't try to look for logic in her behavior, don't try to interpret what her annoyance, etc. might mean vis a vis getting back together (if you were inclined to). Things are rarely as straightforward as they seem, so rather than trying to figure out what's "really" going on, just focus on the obvious: she's being obnoxious and rude.

 

Right now you've got your act together, and she does not at least where you are concerned. If she's going to be irrational & demanding her calls are not worth taking. Let her cool her jets for a while, and if in a few weeks' time she contacts you in a reasonable and friendly manner you can see if friendship is going to be an option.

[velos142]

Wow! Let's see if I can answer all those questions JAG.

 

Ages him 39; her 28

 

Time together 4.5 - 5 years (depending on how you count it)

 

I think she meant: With her help shortly after we got togeteher I overcame a rather serious drinking problem. She was a pure angel in helping me cope with all the dramas, emotions & problems that led me to the taverns in the first place. After that I really just locked myself in a box, afraid really to get out & get back in the mix - encounter new people sober, do new things etc... I spent all me free time with her (we lived together). So (to get back to the answer) I think she meant that I had to start a life of my own outside of her.

 

Big decision followed: I started Law School at night in addition to working all day. I went out & got myself a life, like she had asked. Only problem with that was it was too much of a life - it swallowed all my time. So she went from some one who was around all the time to some one who was rarely around. I could not find a way to it anything else into my schedule, I was always tired or studying or downright surly.

 

In then reality she had a lot reasons to move away. I do not seriously harbor any getting back together fantasys, but I do hope to develop & maintain a strong friendship with her b/c there is so much about her as a person that I truly value & want in my life.

 

Thank you all for your input. Perhaps she needs some time to deal with her feelings about the whole situation (she feels like I wasted her time for all those years) & I can really understand that b/c looking back on it, well as she always said, where is the comittment?