kirikat Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 On August 2, I broke up with my boyfriend of one year. I finally just couldnt take the commitment phobia - the feeling that he was with me until something better came along. Had I not ended it, we would still be together, but I would still be in love with someone for whom I was not the priority. Each time he would step up his commitment level - he would run away. After he introduced me to his family - he pulled back hard, and I just couldnt sit in the anxiety anymore. Now, in my attempts to get him to not be so afraid, I never asserted myself, I let him run the whole relationship his way - I let him get what he thought he wanted pretty much the entire time. Of course, now I recall that this is not the way to win someones heart. The thing is, I love him. I think too that he loved me, just not enough. But I could see that at times he absolultely adored me, and we really LIKED each other, a lot. We never fought, had amazing amounts of fun, and everything felt good - when we were toghether. The only problem was the constant pressure of knowing that he was "holding out" on me - and the constant sense of insecurity because of it. (His holding out wasnt my imagination, he admitted it....) So, after the break up, I pankicked and tried to call him. He sent me an email saying he felt too confused to talk, but it was better to end the story. After 4 weeks NC, we got together and talked. He admitted he felt there was no future, and was getting bored, and I should have known all along because we only saw each other 3 x a week (HE USED THE EXCUSE OF WORKING ON HIS THESIS, AND ASKED ME TO PLEASE WAIT!!!! I BELIEVED HIM!). Finally - I asked him what his positive intention in this relationship was - and he said that it had been to find a way that me, he, and my son could be a family. Um - never, ever, once did he ever share this with me. Ok - thats the story. It has been a month with no contact. But, I am not getting over this - its getting worse. After the last conversation, I shut the door pretty firmly. But now, I am thinking, that might not have been so wise. I'd like him back - I'd like to see if I could change it. I miss him, I miss him so much, and I still have this stupid idea that there was something good and right and worth trying in this relationship. I have an idea of just asking myself over for t, and leaving after 20 minutes of small talk. Just to remind him how much we do like each other. No drama, no relationship talk, just opening the door to friendship... Yes, I know the risks... and there is quite a big possibility that I can do a whole lot better.... but, I miss him. Its been 2.5 months without him, and it hurts like it was day 1. Any advice? Is there anything in your experiences that might help me out here? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
datingmum Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Sounds like we're in a very similar boat. Go and read my posts and see if it rings any bells. I'd love to dialogue further over this... Link to post Share on other sites
brothermartin Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 It sounds like your ex is stuck in "the grass is greener" mind set. If anything, I would try to get to the bottom of why he's been holding back on you. If he can give you a solid reason for and not just excuses, then maybe there's a chance for you. If not, then comes the hard part: LETTING GO. As for this 'not loving you enough', I dont think there is much room for middle ground there. Either you're in love with someone or you're not. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
rs.dallaire Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Whatever you do, I think you should put less pressure on yourself and on your mate. Dealing with this situation is not simple and people move along at different paces. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kirikat Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 What is less pressure? I mean, it seems to me that "no contact" is pretty darn low pressure As to putting pressure on my mate - that was the problem. I put NO pressure on him, ever. Seriously no pressure. In fact, the lack of pressure I put on him ended up creating the very vaccuum that sucked the life right out of this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
rs.dallaire Posted October 25, 2007 Share Posted October 25, 2007 Sorry I should've said "no expectations" rather than "no pressure". NC is something that you do for your own good - it is not a tactic to get a second chance... Just try to think about other things and the sky will clear out on its own, trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
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