once a cheater, always a cheater??

[alwayswondering]

I dated my first serious boyfriend from age 18 to 21, I dumped him because he cheated. I would never sleep with him because I was young and scared. We had a great relationship other than the cheating. He was devastated when I dumped him. Called me for years, sent me flowers............I honestly think he really loved me.

[Leikela]

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Some people will tell you that "once a cheater, always a cheater" but that doesn't always apply. If the guy is a player, most likely he will always cheat. In your case, I believe your boyfriend got tired of having no sex and wanted to have some. The fact that you wouldn't have sex with him doesn't make what he did excuseable. It was just that he needed what you weren't giving him.

 

When we cheat on our partners, it is because we are fufilling a need we aren't getting in our current relationship. If you can successfully satisfy that need after talking it out, I don't see why someone would cheat again.

 

He probably did truly love you. He was willing to stay with you for 3 years without sexual intercourse. That says a lot. Cheating doesn't ALWAYS have to mean the end to a relationship even though more times then none, it does.

 

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[HokeyReligions]

People don't NEED sex to live. It's wanted. It's a desire. It's an emotion. I think people call it a NEED just to excuse themselves for bad behavior.

 

Yes, I know there are some physical elements to the desire - but those can be dealt with in many ways.

 

I read so many people saying that their SO cheated, or that they cheated on the SO because their NEEDS were not being met. Its used as an excuse or a way to justify the emotional hurt one has caused another.

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"I wanted to wait to have sex and my SO of 3 years cheated on me. I'm crushed"[/color]

 

[color=darkred]"He needed someone to fullfill his needs, but he shouldn't have hurt you. Dump him."[/color]

 

People say it was wrong of them to cheat, but its understandable.

 

It's not understandable. There is no NEED - it's a WANT, a DESIRE, a DECISION and not necessary at all unless you WANT to procreate.

 

If he's cheating on you, then there is something wrong. He may not cheat on someone he was totally in love with and committed to, but it doesn't sound like you are that person to him.

 

I think the saying would be more accurate (not true in all cases, but probably in most cases) if it were

 

"Once a cheater on me, Always a cheater on me"

[yes]

If he promises to not cheat again, and you feel that you can believe him, give it another try. Just keep your eyes open & don't miss red flags.

 

that's my view,

-yes

[jeannie_mcbeal]

[font=courier new][/font][color=violet][/color]tngirl1976, it must have been hard for your boyfriend to resist the temptations, especially when he has never tasted the fruit before. I understand that it is no good an excuse AT ALL, but humans are humans. That's why we feel bashful without clothes now, because Eve succumbed to temptations.

 

Looking at how great your relationship was, it must have been pretty stable to be able to last for 3 years. Plus, he had been calling you for years and sending you flowers. I truly believe he has repented. And I say, Love is all about taking risks, and giving second chances. Even if it's not for him, for yourself please. Give your love one more chance. He seems sincere.

 

If you bothered to come here and discussed this, it shows you feel like giving him a chance, then go for it. I'm sure this time, he will know what to do, and what not to. (I definitely know, as I am in your boyfriend's position. You may like to read my predicament.)

[Kat]

As hypocritical as this sounds, and I am sure some people will point it out, I have cheated on people before. My only defense is that it was while I was in highschool, and it wasn't in a serious relationship. While in highschool, I had a few two week relationships, and about two relationships that lasted more than a month.

 

The first major relationship I had was with my daughters father. I never ever cheated on him, or had an urge too. My second major relationship (and the next one) I am in now, I have never cheated on, nor do I have any urge too.

 

I have cheated on silly crushes at highschool, ranging from a small kiss all the way too sleeping with someone else(not having slept with the guy I cheated on. I have never slept with more than one person at the same time[no I do not mean a threesome kind of way]). I would never do it to someone I love and who I have told I would be faithful too.

[tanbark813]

I 100% agree with Leikela's post. I despise cheaters and never condone cheating, but no self-respecting guy is going to stick around for very long, let alone 3 years, if he's being refused sex. He's an ass for cheating and should have just ended the relationship, but everyone has needs.

 

As for the post of whether or not sex is a "need" in the true sense of the word is a semantic argument. It's not necessary to sustain life (like, food, water, etc..), but it's a biological drive that's internal to a person. We're intelligent, but we're still animals.

 

A person can decide whether or not to *have* sex, but they can't decide to not *want* sex.

[sygma]

HonkeyReligions is my friend.

 

Cheating. What can you say. It's not excusable. Not to say that it's not forgivable (to someone much more "forgiving" than me maybe) but there's really nothing you can say to justify it. Cheating is a choice, and when people feel bad about the choice they make in that regaurd they want to believe - and more importantly, want you to believe- that there was some outward force that MADE them do it IE

 

I was drunk

It wasn't serious (Kat don't take offense I feel your pain truly I do)

I only thought of you

blah blah blah

 

But the truth is the only thing that made them do anything was them. There's nothing you can do to change that or they choices they make ---

 

sort of sucks sometimes huh

 

*As for the need/desire debate - it is a desire, not a need. Its a matter of self-control, maturity, integrity and honesty - with yourself mainly. Theres always the option to end one relationship before moving onto another - even if the other is mainly sexual.

[sygma]

hokeyreligions *

[jeannie_mcbeal]

He probably knows that he is wrong and he probably isn't taking it very well either. He may really want to make amendments to what he did. He probably didn't know how it would feel to really lose you. That's why there is another saying "Don't know what you've got until it's gone".

 

So, don't keep harping on WHY he did it. We all know that cheating is wrong, not forgivable, and never forgotten. He probably knows it too, now.

 

If you really feel that he could be giving you happiness in the future, and he did prove to you his sincerity, I think you should take the chance... or risk, to let him prove you wrong of the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater". You could be a happier girl, if you two were made for each other.

 

Look on the bright side, now that he knows how it feels to lose you, he would treasure and love you more than before!

 

Don't condemn someone for a mistake (even in this case, a very serious mistake) for life. They may have really repented.

[tanbark813]

"As for the need/desire debate - it is a desire, not a need."

 

 

Sygma: Is emotional support from your SO a desire or a need? Following your logic, it would have to be a desire also. But I'm sure many women would say that they need that.

 

Which brings me back to my point: It doesn't matter what you call it: want, need, desire, urge, preference, etc...

 

Bottom line: People require certain things from their SO. If those things are deficient enough, they will go elsewhere. And *hopefully* they will be man enough (or woman enough) to do the upstanding thing and end their current relationship before beginning another.

[sonalised]

Hi, my girflriend of 1.5 years has cheated on me when she went to Portugal with her her group and other group from college.

 

There was this guy that she had a crush on, and I found out about it, we broke up then, she cried a lot and was very sorry... and we got back together (that was about 4 months left until the trip). Now I didn't want her to go, but she promised that nothing would happen... and off she went.

 

The trip was for 5 days. And that same guy she had a crush on was on the same trip. When they got back from Portugal, I didn't think of anything bad... but having doubts, started asking her questions... and one I asked was, did you tell him that you used to fancy him? And she game me a guilty smile and said yes... I got mad and didn't talk to her... then the same day we started talking again... and I questioned her more, she admited that they kissed... once. It was night time and we were in bed. I asked her to leave the next morning. When I said that she got schoked and said OK. Morning came and she left... I cried like hell! Had to take calming meds... . Then a friend that went on the same trip, I talked to her a little and asked her questions... and found out that they snogged more than 3 times. She said they were all over each other on and off and everyone saw... including my tutor. Then she mentioned sex... but didn't want to talk more as she did not want to get involed. The next time i talked to her on the phone, asked her if she had sex with him, she denied and said no. some time later asked her again and she said no again. this is a bit from our conversation:

 

Me: Did you have sex with him then?

Her: No.

*then we talked some more about something else*

Me: So, did you have sex with him?

Her: No, we just slept in the same bed.

Me: So you did have sex?

Her: No, we only slept in the same bed.

Me: Did you use a condom at least?

Her: Yes.

Me: *little laugh of her stupidity*... so you did have

sex...

Her: .............*silence*...................... yeesss

 

She had sex with him... she cheated on me.

 

We've broken up... and it's been over a week now... i've been down lonely depressed sad empty panicky everyday... I miss her a lot... I love her a lot... i wanna be with her so much! but i don't know what to do now... she lied to me... and she cheated on me...

 

from your experiance people, is once a cheater always a cheater? i wanna take her back but i'm scared of the pain she might cause me again.

 

if there a way to go about this insident? maybe she wasn't happy about something in our relationship?... we could work on this and fix it? as far as i know she loves me loads.... they both were drunk then and she can't even remember what happened...

 

i don't know what to do... wait till time healths my pain and forget about her or give it another go?

 

i really care for her a lot and of we could fix it somehow, i'd love to get back...

 

 

my quesion is, IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A RELATION SHIP TO WORK AGAIN AFTER THIS? CAN IT WORK OUT?

 

She's adobted, and her adobtee Dad was worried she might turn out like her real Mum, she was a bit of a slut (as far as i know)... could it be in her genes?

thanks for your advice!

[sygma]

In my experience, it's just not worth it. Whlie I'm sure it's different with everyone, my logic goes goes something like this:

 

The only way to make sure they don't hurt you again, and waste another *some* years of your life and loyalty, playing you for a jackass, is if you don't give them the chance!

 

Even in moving on to another relationship there's no guarentee that a new person won't do you exactly that same disservice, but at least your odds are better, you're stronger, smarter, becasue hopefully* you've learned something from the last go around. Where as with the person who cheated on you, if what they say is true, and the best implication of future behavior is past behavior; the odds would seem to be setting you up for more of the same.

 

In my case, after looking past the cheating itself, I realized alot of other things about our relationship, and the guy specificlly which made me realize it wasn't worth trying anymore. We'd both changed alot from the time we met.

 

Don't get me wrong, in the first months after the breakup, I wanted him back, or at least I entertained the idea. But I always feared there'd be deep set resentment, which I'd harbor for... who knows how long until ... who knows what! I'd never trust him the same way, and I'd lost a lot of respect for him.

 

Maybe, like me, you know deep down, as crappy. painful and scary as it's going to be, it's better to let her go, and move on. If that's the case I wish you luck, and a personal guarentee that you'll make it through.

 

Sygma*

[slimmontana]

Sonalised...I know its hard but you have to move on...Time will heal your wounds! Think about it you don't want to be in a relationship like that were you always have to that cloud hanging over your head. I see no way in hell you can take her back. That was a total lack of disrespect for you! Her cheating and denying....Be Strong Move on!!!