sungrl Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 i see my b/f every weekend..last week a friend of his stopped over but said he cant stay long b/c he has a gig working security at a club..he isnt a huge guy so im thinking it wasnt just security, probably bartending too..and my b/f kind of makes a comment saying how come i dont have a gig..and the friend said he could get him one but you would have to give up a friday or saturday(meaning me)..and my b/f said not allowed..but then a week goes by...i wanted to take a spur of the moment vacation and was willing to pay for most of it...(he would go b/c i want to but apart of him doesnt want to go b/c the weather isnt too cold here yet so he can still do chores outside the house and work on the car) we were in the car and he was asking me the dates i wanted to go..so then he said i have to call my friend..i asked for what and he said this security thing as he was calling his friend..i then got mad and said the job at the bar?...he didnt even ask how i would feel about it..he asked his friend what the date was..and yes if it was the same time as the vacation he couldnt go but he didnt ask in general how i would feel about him working at a bar..especially on the nights i have always seen him...i got really upset saying im not comfortable with this and said can't you find another side job that is not at a bar or club..i was almost to the point in tears and he said why am i getting so upset..and he says i just dont trust him...Trust or not...not all girls would comfortable or think it was an ideal situation for their b/f to work at bars and i said again i just dont like it and can't you just not do it for me?...He then said he does alot of things that are for me he doesnt like..he then said like this trip..and that he doesnt want to go and its a waste of his time and money to go in october...THIS HURT...apart of me knows he didnt mean its a waste of time being with me..but its a waste b/c he wouldnt be able to do chores and work on his car while its still warm and then when we get back its cold.. But still..hearing that..there is no way i would pay for most of a trip someone sees as wasting his time and money on...i said fine, forget the trip--just dont do the bar thing and he said thats not the point..This was as we were walking to a restaurant..after we got to the restaurant..that was it..he didnt bring it up and neither did i...the next night came and it wasnt brought up again but obviously things werent right between us... usually when my b/f and i are in a fight and he thinks he is right and i think i am right..he wont talk when we are together and will have more of an attitude..at the restaurant he was still trying to have some small talk..i never initiated it..and the next morning he offered to make me coffee which was weird to me as well...BUT STILL--the subject was never brought up..i was afraid to..i know i wont be booking the trip..so that means he would be free to do the gig this coming weekend..so i dont know if i should leave it in his hands now b/c i asked him can you just not do it for me in the car that night(what else can i say now?)..or ask him tomorrow about it again..or just wait for the weekend and if he does do it, then maybe i just shouldnt see him that weekend. I feel really uncomfortable with it and dont want to date someone who is working at a bar or club...im scared he might do it anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Sungrl, When I seperated from the Marines in '72 I worked at a neighborhood market from 9am to 5pm, and played in a very popular regional rock cover band. For a couple of months a year we even toured the middle of Cali which I was able to square with the market 'cause I was a good worker. With college in and out during that period, it was a fun and demanding way to decompress after the War. I met my now ex in '75 and we married in '76. Her #1 request/demand was that I quit all the "rock and roll b.s." and got a better job. What better job? The band paid 3x what the market did! In any case, I can honestly say that I resented her demand for the whole 25 years of the marriage. I loved her so I did it. I loved her much to much to cheat, but her self esteem was to low to allow it. IMO you should be happy your BF is an active member of the "employed", so many today are not. Don't let your lack of self esteem spill over into a lack of trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sungrl Posted October 15, 2007 Author Share Posted October 15, 2007 he is employed already with another job..this bar thing is not something he loves or thinks is the best job..im not comfortable with it. so i dont know if i should ask him what his decision is or just wait for the weekend b/c that is when i think the gig is and since i wont be booking anything he would be free to do it. i also dont know if i shouldnt see him for the weekend if he decides to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
MystifiedByMen Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Who cares if he's working in a bar. He's there to WORK and make MONEY! It's not all fun and game to work in a bar too. There is actually a lot of bullcrap bartenders deal with. Their purpose in not to pick up ladies. It's to make good money. Let him do as he pleases and stand by your man. You'll get a lot farther in your relationship if you trust him and work aroud each others needs. Link to post Share on other sites
MsMartha Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Sungrl, I can understand your fear. I have worked in bars for over 15 years. I have seen a lot of things happen. However, it does not mean something will happen. It takes a long time to build a clientele in a bar and even longer before you start making real money. The question you need to ask yourself is, "do I trust him in general?" If you don't trust him then you need to discover the reasons why and adress them. I myself have major trust issues, so I've come to this site for advice. I tend to have a jaded look at things. Has he done something that makes you think that he would be untrue? Why don't you get a job as a barmaid in a bar? Maybe you both can earn extra money...... Let him know what your concerns are other than him working there. In any case, I can tell you it doesn't really matter where he works. A man who would cheat will always find a way to cheat. You can't spend your life worrying about the job he has...... You have to find a way to trust him or you will be miserable everyday, trust me this much I know. Talk to him tell him you love him and TRUST him. And let go of your fear...... And then if things start changing, well that's when you worry (maybe)..... It's easier to say than do, but I know trying to stop him without a past history can ruin a future......... Link to post Share on other sites
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