angelj Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 This scenario seems to be common around here...therefore I gather someone will be able to send some comforting or even understanding thoughts my way I am a single woman who is really enjoying life at the moment...single life that is. I am in my mid twenties, finally about to graduate, figuring out exactly what I want in my career and lots of job opportunities on the horizon. Here is where my (usually) level head gets a bit cloudy... I recently began a new job...isnt this where it all starts? To keep it simple...theres a co-worker I will refer to as JK. I have fallen in lust with JK. Notice...I do not say love. Lust...because I am not letting myself think it is anything more. JK is an amazing man. Funny, gentle, intelligent, passionate...oh I could go on for days. The chemistry is obviously there...the spark blah blah blah. JK is involved and expecting. Of course. No worries...I have no thoughts of homewrecking...nor do I instigate it whatsoever. I will not make excuses for the chemistry that is obvious to myself, himself and the rest of the staff, let alone the multiple similarities and things we have in common...typical, we work together 4 days out of the working week? Of course making excuses for the current situation has crossed my mind...especially once discovering there was not initially a romantic dating scene with the two (JK and girlfriend/baby's momma) they were casually sleeping together..attraction enough to sleep together...and she became pregnant. Of course, it is his choice to stay with her, to make it work, and support her. Obviously he is happy. Obviously there is a spark between them. I have no right to come along and disturb anything. And I wont. This is purely a rant. Maybe a self-reassuring rant? It is quite frustrating when you find someone who appears to perfectly fit the mold you have specifically designed and that person is already involved. Wrong on all levels...and frustrating to me, especially since I am not used to such a situation involving such baggage. I refuse to be a homewrecker...an airbag...an emotional punching bag? Is it harmful to have a friendship? It must be, right? If I am taking the time to post this on loveshack.org? Thanks for reading...just needed to vent and hear some outside thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Bravo Angelj, Your perspective on the situation is excellent! I'd say the guy is definitely attracted to you. However it is also good that you dont want to be in the middle of some stupid love triangle. This guy may come up single in the future... otherwise... there will be plenty of others in the future. Oh, and watch to see if this guy is using a mirroring technique! Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted October 15, 2007 Author Share Posted October 15, 2007 Can you elaborate on the mirror technique? I think I understand...but can you please clarify? Thanks. . . Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Can you elaborate on the mirror technique? I think I understand...but can you please clarify? Thanks. . . Ok... Usually this falls under the category of "guy secret". However, this may help you... so, ok. Mirroring is a technique used to make a girl feel like you have everything in common. Body language is key here. Example: You sit next to a girl in class that you like, and you notice that she taps her pencil in class. You then also tap your pencil, noticeably if possible. Keep her in the corner of your eye and if she looks over, look directly at her... smile... look away... then look back! Anything movement or body posture... anything you do can be mirrored to build that sense of commonality. It's also very important to do this verbally as well. Anyway... you get the idea! Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted October 15, 2007 Author Share Posted October 15, 2007 Thank you for your bravo... I know better than to get in the mix of a triangle! Love triangles are a big no-no!! Been in a few in my earlier years... I am certain I would not be the cause of a break-up...more likely a catalyst. Who the hell am I to say there would even BE a break-up? For God sake, there is a soon-to-be child involved here. Hello gigantic bold stop sign ahead!! Brake lights, please!!! I think I need to put down the homework and get out of my house and meet some single men But back to my original rant...what is the deal with forming an attraction to a dude thats already involved? Is it the subconscious notion that he is unattainable? Or is there really an attraction and it is just the sweet irony of life that will not allow us to be together? Blah ranting again...Thanks for listening.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted October 15, 2007 Author Share Posted October 15, 2007 Ok... Usually this falls under the category of "guy secret". However, this may help you... so, ok. Mirroring is a technique used to make a girl feel like you have everything in common. Body language is key here. Example: You sit next to a girl in class that you like, and you notice that she taps her pencil in class. You then also tap your pencil, noticeably if possible. Keep her in the corner of your eye and if she looks over, look directly at her... smile... look away... then look back! Anything movement or body posture... anything you do can be mirrored to build that sense of commonality. It's also very important to do this verbally as well. Anyway... you get the idea! Lol...thanks for the insight in guy secret land...just when I think I know just about everything, I realize I need the Idiot's Guide to Guy Secrets Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 I think I need to put down the homework and get out of my house and meet some single men But back to my original rant...what is the deal with forming an attraction to a dude thats already involved? Is it the subconscious notion that he is unattainable? Or is there really an attraction and it is just the sweet irony of life that will not allow us to be together? Blah ranting again...Thanks for listening.... Well, the guy is already attached, so that shows he has at least one or two redeeming qualities. More than likely confidence is one of those. Here is what seperates you from the rest... too many girls just fall for the first guy that pays attention to them! And there is the kicker... you have a certified USDA, quality guy, and he is paying attention to you! That should create an attraction, unless there are other guys chasing you at the same time! So, yes there is an attraction... is it unique or special... probably not. Your definitely too smart to get roped into the 'baby momma drama'! Link to post Share on other sites
jophil28 Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Your emotions are going to lead you into a bad place here. THis guy is NOT available - your fantasizing is gonna make you say and do stupid things . Your statement about being "friends " is evidence of your confusion . You CANNOT be "friends " with someone whom you lust after . Quit your job and find another immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
MystifiedByMen Posted October 18, 2007 Share Posted October 18, 2007 Just stay away. You don't want these problems. He's just going to cause you serious problems. Link to post Share on other sites
TryingToHeal3 Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 Good for you. These feelings are normal and natural. Your single and attracted. But that is wonderful in my opinion that you can recognize your feelings, analize the situation and decide that your passion is not worth the pain and suffering that WILL accompany it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted October 20, 2007 Author Share Posted October 20, 2007 aint it funny i think lust boy was just a decoy to help keep me "over" my ex...whom i am obviously NOT over. tonight i thought i ran into 2 different men that looked almost identical to him and i almost puked in my mouth twice. thanks for all of your advice...but obv i was gaining an attracting to anything...since i needed something to keep me over the dreaded ex ( Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 20, 2007 Share Posted October 20, 2007 But back to my original rant...what is the deal with forming an attraction to a dude thats already involved? Is it the subconscious notion that he is unattainable? Or is there really an attraction and it is just the sweet irony of life that will not allow us to be together? Well, people can fall for attached guys just like they can single guys. A ring on a guy's finger doesn't erase him from the possibility of female attraction. Perhaps it is a subconscious need for the unobtainable. Or, it could be a subconscious need for competition with another woman, to prove to yourself that you are 'worth cheating on someone with'. Some women really do see a married guy/taken guy hitting on them as a flattering thing - they think "wow, I must be pretty special for a guy to risk that much to be with me". How do OW get themselves into this? The same way you are, by playing up the positives, downplaying the negatives, and buying into his story behind how he ended up married: especially once discovering there was not initially a romantic dating scene with the two (JK and girlfriend/baby's momma) they were casually sleeping together..attraction enough to sleep together...and she became pregnant. This makes it sound like he married her not because he wanted to, but because he had to. Plenty of OW justify their affairs by telling themselves that because he never loved the wife and only married her because he was somehow forced into it, that is ok to give him the love that he says he doesn't have in his marriage. It is good that you are resisting, but understand a good deal of women who end up OW do too. How? With the whole 'friends' ruse. They go into it thinking they can stay friends, and all that does is feed the attraction and rush it to the inevitable. They say you can't help who you fall in love with, but you can help how you get there and what happens when you do get there. Love may not be a choice, but getting into an affair is. Just understand that you do have a choice, and that you can continue to make the right one. Far too many OW feel that they have no choice when they are on the threshold. They certainly do. They just want to make the wrong choice, and not take responsibility for their decision. I've been there often enough, and made that wrong choice plenty of times and yes - I was justifying it right along with the best of them. Let's hope in your case you don't have that clarity after the fact like I do. Best of luck with your situation. Just remember: love may not be a choice, but getting yourself into an affair is. Keep making the right choice for yourself. It won't be easy, but like some wise man in recent literature said ... "There are dark days ahead... days when we will be forced to choose between what is right and what is easy." Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted October 20, 2007 Share Posted October 20, 2007 Perhaps it is a subconscious need for the unobtainable. Or, it could be a subconscious need for competition with another woman, to prove to yourself that you are 'worth cheating on someone with'. ... How do OW get themselves into this? The same way you are, by playing up the positives, downplaying the negatives, and buying into his story behind how he ended up married: ... Plenty of OW justify their affairs by telling themselves that because he never loved the wife and only married her because he was somehow forced into it, that is ok to give him the love that he says he doesn't have in his marriage. ... They go into it thinking they can stay friends, and all that does is feed the attraction and rush it to the inevitable. Far too many OW feel that they have no choice when they are on the threshold. They certainly do. They just want to make the wrong choice, and not take responsibility for their decision. ... I've been there often enough, and made that wrong choice plenty of times and yes - I was justifying it right along with the best of them. ... Lucrezia you do not speak for all OW's, just yourself. You make it sound like all OW's are delusional and psycho... like we can get on an elevator with a male stranger and by the time we get to the 5th floor and the door opens, we think he's ready to marry us!! I completely agree with your No Choice (love) vs. Choice (affair) thing, though. I just don't agree with your assumption that we are all (or even many of us) cut from the same cloth... that we fall into an affair because we have competition issues with other women ... that we talk ourselves into something that isn't there ... and that we don't take responsibility for our choices. I believe that for most of us, it is simply a matter of choosing whether to believe what a man says to us or not. In my experience, talk is cheap, especially from a man. His words are unreliable and therefore hold no weight. It is what he DOES that matters. But it took me a long time to learn that. And I could still be totally wrong about men. It is simply what my life experience has taught me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted October 20, 2007 Author Share Posted October 20, 2007 Talk is cheap....I love that. Lol I think I had a few glasses of wine last night when I wrote that little bit about my ex....I noticed the wonderful spelling on attraction. I enjoy reading these responses...it is interesting to see all points of view in such a situation. As for myself...I try not to talk to him as much lately. I don't think the situation is healthy and I don't necessarily think the attraction is so genuine and unique. It is slightly becoming obvious that I somewhat ignore him, but being in an affair is a choice that I choose not to make. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelj Posted February 28, 2008 Author Share Posted February 28, 2008 An update to that post from months ago... the situation with the unavailable man almost became a disaster. Although I knew creating any relationship with this man was WRONG, I tried (or so I thought) in every way possible to keep a friendship. But that friendship was teetering on the verge of a passionate, romantic relationship. The chemistry seemed to become very intensified the next few months, right before my eyes, and apparently it became obvious to the entire staff. We (or he, rather) began the text messages and casual phone conversations. I still truly thought in my mind the situation was not unhealthy and I was not crossing any boundaries. (did I mention he was still living with the mother of his child? and they were STILL involved?) Someone slap me! Boy was I mistaken. Our time spent at work was really just time spent together. Without even realizing it, I fell in love with my job...when in reality...I was really in lust with him. Big time. Whether it was the mirror technique, the attraction that was not genuine or unique, the fantasy idea of a perfect relationship in our minds...WHATEVER it was...I got it bad...for a brief period of time. He seemed to have it pretty bad himself...we greeted each other with a smile and a hug everyday...there seemed to be such a sense of happiness and playfulness once in the other's presence. He really made me feel special. I would love to blame the entire situation on him...however I knowingly bought into it all. I must have provided a terrific escape from his mundane lifestyle of arguing with a spouse and changing poopy diapers into the wee hours of the morning. He did however lay the groundwork for creating a solid attraction and a firm layer of trust from day one. I do blame him for that. Never did a minute go by when I was upset or having an off day, where he was not reassuring me I could count on him...trust him...go to him for advice. He always took my side...always listened to anything I had to say. Full of support, compliments, jokes and laughs. Loved to confide into me as well...seriously? What was I thinking? I obviously wasn't. Yes, it sounds so cheesy and straight out of the Player's Guide To Relationships when I read it now...but back then...I really and truly believed this man had my very best interests at heart. Oh - and did I mention? I totally fell into that mindset that goes something like, "maybe he has been a jerk before...but he would never do that to me" oy vey. Despite the warnings from friends and his family members...I still believed that he became one of my best friends...that our attraction was unique...and in the back of my mind...maybe just maybe one day we would have a shot at love...and oh it would be just perfect....HA! Dream on lady. With a track record like his...(which I recently found out) consisting of multiple relationships that end in another...and another...and another...like a monkey swinging from branch to branch...sometimes hanging on to both branches for a period of time while he decides which way to go...add that to a dysfunctional household...abusive relationships...a mind that constantly LOVES to manipulate situations and people...and an inability to complete college or last at a career for longer than 4-8 months due to lack of control/ego... Seriously, I read this and want to gag. But I think its necessary to post because somewhere out there, someone must be feeling something similar to this situation....and it lets me read it and feel happy its over. To sum it up - the Big Man Upstairs was really looking out for my best interests when He decided that homeboy's stay in my life had run its course. Right when things seemed to be heating up more than ever...my wannabe at work husband blew a gasket and nonetheless was fired. Indefinitely. We still spoke every few days immediately after his departure. The last time was a few weeks ago through texts. Still believing we had a "solid friendship," I left a message checking in on him a week or so ago. No response. I would say out of sight out of mind fits this one. Hopefully everything will work out well in his life, I would like to say I wish we were friends however I don't think he knows how to truly be a friend. Maybe at the time, he was a friend to me in the best of his ability...in a way that addicts are friends/lovers to the best of their ability while they are battling their disease. The odd part was how upset I was when he was gone. How I felt drained and used...but it lasted very briefly. Once reality smacked the sh*t out of me I realized I let myself in tooooo deep. Good luck to the women who allow themselves to be suckered into such a situation. And for those who are in a similar bottomless pit...get out!! Link to post Share on other sites
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