In or out? Why not just leave?

[cj1988]

Ok, you all know my J. Springer story. Well, my H and I are still together and it is better in some ways, but not in a lot. He has still yet to confess, probably never will, but that is not the only problem we have now. We do not fight a lot, but we do not get along because things come up and we cannot communicate without fighting.

 

My question is, if you love someone and have been together for over 10 years (13) and you have been sexually attracted to your spouse for years (very much so, wanted sex all the time) what makes it change? I am an attractive woman and is willing to do anything in the bed. In the past for many years I was tired and said "go to sleep" etc. Kids, job, dogs...anyway, now that I am here and we are trying to work it out, it almost takes an act of god to get him to make love to me. When we are drinking, he is fine and ready. But now, it is just weird. He has always wanted me in that way more than I was into him, but I have realized through our tragedy and therapy, I was wrong and will not tell him no again. Now, he is sleepy or we will do it later I promise...I finally blew up last night and he did not care.

 

Does he really want me to end it because he cannot or what? He said that I was making something of nothing, but I know I am not, I know him. He said nothing is wrong with us or me, just relax...he claims he never made a big deal when I was like that, but he did...he would pout and then was supposedly crying to his SISTER " she does not want me like I want her, what is wrong with me" BS.

 

So, should I just hang in there and let it go or leave? He will not talk about it or anything for that matter. I know he loves me, but damn, I am a human and have needs too. He got off Saturday, but I did not and he said I will take care of you later....right ! He told me yesterday we were going to make love, then when it comes time, he did not want it....it is over or is he just be an ass????

[cj1988]

Hello, anyone out there? If not, thanks for all your support over the last months, you all are GREAT !

[jophil28]

His interest level has dropped because of the long-standing resentment he feels toward you for telling him to "go to sleep" in the past. I would have left you years ago.

So you were too tired to have sex in the past because of the kids, job and the demands of the dog ? Honey you are really fortunate that he is still around after your appaling disrespect of him . HE is your Husband and this is a classic example of how women f**k up their marriages by neglect..

Here is some free counseling advice - marriage Guoidance 101...

 

Your relationship with your husband is paramount - in case you are confused , this is how is works - Your MARRIAGE is the "main event" in your life. The kids, are next, then the job, and then your sisters and your mother,and then your friends and then .... the dog and the goldfish IN THAT ORDER .

 

DO you get it ? SPOUSE FIRST !!!!

 

IF your change the priority of these people in your life your marriage will fail . You are hanging by a thread. You need to go to your husband and APOLOGIZE for the atrocious humiliation that you have delivered to him over the years by your behavior toward him. If you want your marriage to survive YOU need to make amends humbly and with sincerity and you need to start today.

.

[cj1988]

Thankyou for your response, but I have APOLOGIZED over and over and over again. As you see from my posts, his SISTER was first not me for a while and that is ok that he f---- up my life? She was his everything, even more than his SON and that is OK? His drinking and smoking dope and partying caused MANY nights of NOT wanting to be with someone that climbed in the bed at all hours wanting me THEN, when he wanted it, that is OK? These are not excuses for my resisting him, these are just facts of WHY some women do not want to be 2nd to all the above for MANY YEARS. So, as you see, HE is lucky I stayed all those years and now WANT to make it work after the SISTER tape !

 

I understand TOTALLY you do NOT hold sex from someone, that is not what I was doing, he was DRUNK and I am not going to do that with anyone. You did not know all the details of our 13 years together. He is not a BAD man, just a little screwed up like the rest of the world.

 

But, let me ask you something, why dont I resent him? When is he going apologize to me? He is very stubborn and holds massive grudges, his own family will tell you that. He wants to do whatever he wants when he wants, but no one else can be that way. You had no idea why I did not want him at that time, do you want to make love to a woman that smells of beer and pot? Do you want to be with someone that can talk to other men (brother) the way he talked to his sister? I am the forgiving person here when everyone else tells me they would have ran by now.....so you say you would have left, then in that case, I SHOULD have left years ago....and I told him WHY I did not want to make love, he did not listen FOR YEARS. I am not the one attached to my sister, mother or dog....my kids are almost grown because I WAS AT HOME raising them while he partied.....do you see now?

 

Thanks as always for your comments, I do understand your point, but sometimes there is more than you see at the surface. I am too old for games and no longer want to be in that life.

 

We did talk last night and I know he loves me very much, but sometimes love is just not enough for 2 people to be happy, you have to have respect, we have very little at this point....

[cj1988]

Also, if he is my HUSBAND, then maybe he should have and should now act like it and maybe things would have been different. I have made a lot of mistakes too, I am not innocent, but I have been kissing his a--- for over a year now when he should be kissing mine......love is blind, but I am not anymore !

[Virgo1982]

Also, if he is my HUSBAND, then maybe he should have and should now act like it and maybe things would have been different. I have made a lot of mistakes too, I am not innocent, but I have been kissing his a--- for over a year now when he should be kissing mine......love is blind, but I am not anymore !

 

Neither one of you should have to kiss a$$. It sounds like you two have control issues. At least one of you has to be dominant at all times, which means the other person will be railroaded.

[jophil28]

Also, if he is my HUSBAND, then maybe he should have and should now act like it and maybe things would have been different. I have made a lot of mistakes too, I am not innocent, but I have been kissing his a--- for over a year now when he should be kissing mine......love is blind, but I am not anymore !

 

You are the one posting here, not him, so I can only deal with you.

Your behavior is YOURS . It did not originate with him, in him or from him .YOU OWN YOUR BEHAVIOR and he owns his.

Next ,quit playing victim. You always have the right and freedom to LEAVE a marriage if it is intolerable, HOWEVER you seem to want to try and repair this trainwreck .

Dump the "he is a bigger problem than me " game that you love , get a grip and go to him and apologise unconditionally for your sins. THEN decide what to do when the dust settles.

[cj1988]

yes, it is a control issue with him, I know that because he felt I had control for so long. But 2 people in love and in a marriage that agree to fix this let go of that and move on in a positive way.

 

I told him last nigt how bad I felt for ever hurting him over the years and how I want to be there for him if we can make it. He agreed I am nothing like I was, but he remains the same.

 

He actually cried last night and told me how much he loved me and to please forget the sister thing because it did not happen....easier said than done, the tape was horrible. My girlfriend heard it with me (he knows) and she told him how bad it was and she would not believe it either. Having said that I am still here because I love him and want to get past it too, but seems like he should be apologizing as well. Show some remorse even if it was not physical, it was definitely emotional and WEIRD to say the least.

[jcster]

I would have left you years ago.

 

And I would have aborted you upon conception!

[cj1988]

It is hard when you only hear one side, that is why I ask the questions and answer them so that you all know both sides to be fair. Yes, I was as intimate as he wanted me to be, but he was not attending to mine and the kids emotional needs as I needed him to do at that time. No excuse to have an affair and or ignore your wife over your sister for MONTHS. It was done in front of my face and others, but everyone just thought they were close or getting close after all the years of seperation. BUT, I do not know any sibling that swims together LATE at night when everyone is asleep and hides under a dock at 2AM to talk and cry together. I do not know any sibling that calls each other 8- 12 times a day but not their spouse. I have never known any sibling that says "I love you baby" over and over again in 6 minute conversation with passion and calling someone "MY SWEET SWEET BABY" that is just f---- up, but I am crazy????? Ok, if I was talking like that to my brother on top of cutting my H to the bone in the same conversation (talking about OUR sex life and what I should and should not do with my H) then yes, I would be crazy.....

 

So, as you see we are dealing with past and present issues. I have more than apologozed for my part in this failing M, but he takes zero responsiblity for any and on top, blames it all on me, even the tape. His only comment was "Yes it may have sound strange, but I love my sister and we have a bond I cannot explain, but it is not what you think" Ok, if that is true then why did 3 other people that heard feel the same as I did and want to PUKE when they heard it?????? I guess we are all crazy.

 

I have told him I could understand and WE could deal with if necessary any strange feelings he did not understand about her because they have been strangers for 33 years, but I will not accept being told I am insecure and I am crazy and my H putting her ahead of me.

 

Funny their conversations have almost stopped completetly AFTER my marriage was TORN apart for over a year. She takes his calls less and less and she calls him very rarely. If they are SOOOO close, why stop now....I do not bring it up, I do not tell him NOT to talk to her. Her H was shocked when I told him just a little on the tape 3 months ago because she told him one part that was nothing.....since then they do not come around and she has stopped talking to me as well. Oh, but it was innocent, my A-- ! So, would you stay for this s----? He is LUCKY I am here and I am lucky he stayed all those years before she came in the picture. To me, admitt whatever it was, apologize so we can move on, until I know the truth and see he feels bad about atleast the emotional aspect of it, then I will have this knot in my belly forever and it will tear us apart. I know it must be hard on them if they crossed the line and hard to talk about it, but I know and will help him, why hide ! I guess losing me is ok with him instead of sucking it up, confessing and working it out. He or they have to live with themselves everyday, not me and that is the only thing that keeps me going ! I am innocent in that mess......

[TryingToHeal3]

He's just being an A**. Don't leave him. It's not worth it. You love him, he loves you, you have passion. This too shall pass. Just block sexuality from your mind on purpose for right now. (I know that is a hard thing to do, I don't mean to say like it's easy. I love sex with my husband, I'm up for anything and everything, and I'm going through your EXACT problem) I just don't think about it. We're married for life and if he doesn't want to do it, take your time...but when he wants to do it(karma) I tell him when I want you, you do this to me. And he understands. After a while he's going to get himself tired of being that way and you will make love like highschoolers. Something is going on in his head right now, let him get it out, get over what ever he's thinking or doing, and connect with you.