getting over 'em

[yes]

Guys & gals,

 

What's the longest it has taken you to get over someone? How long were you with that someone?

 

I ask for two reasons -

- curiosity

- there's a guy I dated briefly, who I know in my mind is no good for me, but about whom I keep thinking, dreaming of him, etc. I control myself & do not contact him, although I do look at pictures of him now-n-then (no, he's not goodlooking, but absolutely adorable); but sometimes I look back, see all the mistakes I made in dealing with him, and wonder if there's another chance to it ... er...

 

-yes

[Tony T]

Well, if the truth be known...and I swear to this...there was the most beautiful lady in all the student body of the university I attended. She was intelligent, sweet, long blond hair, a ballerina with perfect legs...the whole deal...and she had flipped over me and showed it. I was absolutely terrified of her, a Goddess I felt I surely did not deserve. My heart beat so fast when I got near her I couldn't stand up.

 

We went back and forth for a year...a date here and a date there. She went bananas with happiness when I called her at her dorm...after taking hours to get up the courage to do so each time.

 

We hardly dated but I loved her with every cell in my body. She eventually gave up on me and took up with a male ballet dancer who she eventually married. We are still friends to this day.

 

I don't think I've ever gotten over what might have been had I had some balls.

 

It's gotten easier over the years but I still think of her often, only because I've not met another lady quite like her since.

[Haley]

Of course, we all have people we never really get over. I have two.

 

Lachlan was Mr Perfect: a tall, dark, and handsome doctor. I couldn't believe such a person existed, and I was unbelievably happy for the 3 months that we dated. Then he went overseas to further his studies, and although we emailed at first, it's now it's been 4 years with no word. I will probably never see him again, and it breaks my heart. I have not found anyone that even matches Lachlan since, in looks, brains, or personality. Sometimes I wish we had never met because then I wouldn't know what i could have.

 

Marcus was a complete jerk. We went out for 2 years and in that time he cheated on me constantly, and treated me like crap. I wasn't so much his girlfriend as a toy he played with to inflate his own ego. Still, it was the best sex I have ever had in my life! Although we had amazing chemistry, our personalities clashed (in that he was a narcissitic pig with serious psychological issues). I eventually cut him loose about 6 months ago but still think about him constantly - it's like I'm suffering withdrawal symptoms.

 

Hope that helps, girl!

[Bill]

Never have gotten over anyone.

[jessicakicksbut]

I have been in a total of three long-term relationships in my life. The one I am in now (which is a little under 11 months), a 15 month relationship, and a 7 year relationship.

 

First, the 7 year relationship. I was engaged to the 7 year man, but as time wore on he became abusive to me, and toward the end of the relationship we had a long-distance relationship. He took a job two hours away, and it was understood that after we got married, I would relocate. I am so glad the last 6 months of our relationship was long distance, because I got to take a good look at who he really was, what he was doing to me (abuse wise), how I could do better, and how I would be miserable if I married this man. I was actually starting to dread when I'd see him in person, or talk to him on the phone, and preferred to be with my friends and family over him. It was then I realized I had to end the engagement...so I did.

 

It did not really take too long for me to get over him since I started to dread being with him, and we had a long distance relationship for a short time anyway. It seemed for that six months as things in our relationship got progressively worse, that we already were broken up, or in the process of breaking up. So, when I actually broke up with him, it took only a month or so to get over him. Sure, there were some tears, but more joy than anything else. Also, it helped that I told my family about the abuse after breaking up with him. He called my house a few times to try to get back with me, but my father ended up threatening him with a PFA if he ever went near me again. Needless to say, I have yet to see him, and have not heard from him in years.

 

As for the 15 month relationship, I actually had a harder time getting over that man. He had some good points and was not physically or mentally abusive like my ex-fiance, but he was overall selfish, egotistical, and had his own lawncare business that he was "married" to. He was also the type of guy who didn't see the need to ever get married or even move out of his parents house because his mother did everything for him. Anyway, we lived about 30 miles apart, so I decided to move to his home town, which was closer to my job anyway. Worst mistake I ever made. I decided I had enough of his selfishness, and broke up with him. Wouldn't you know he was at my door a few times a week asking me to make-up with him, and give him another chance. I ended up moving back to my parents house so I did not have to put up with seeing him anymore, and I wanted to pursue a new relationship.

 

I have came to the conclusion that it's so much easier when the "ex" doesn't live that close to you, does not work with you, does not go to school with you, etc. Also, a break-up is easier I feel if you follow these few pointers I have:

 

1.) If you have an idea that your partner is going to break up with you, or if you have an idea that you want to break up with your partner, prepare yourself for the loss mentally.

 

2.) Make a list of the con's of the relationship. When you feel yourself getting upset, read them to yourself.

 

3.) It's almost impossible to remain friends with an ex. If there are not any connections such as having a child together, sharing the same friends, or you have to live near each other/work with one another/go to school together, etc. , DO NOT KEEP IN CONTACT! It only makes it harder.

[yes]

thanks for the replies.

 

 

Tony, I hope you do meet a woman even more wonderful than that ballerina! As a side note, wouldn't it be easier to stop comparing others to her if you weren't friends with her?...

 

 

Haley, that must be hard... aya... I'm glad you got away from the borderline-abusive dude.

 

 

Jessica, interesting story. Good tips, too - in my case, he goes to the same school so even though i don't see him, i hear about him incessantly, err...

 

-yes

 

PS Bill... never ever? cmon

[Carly]

OK, you guys brought up my own never-get-over-him tear jerker, and so now you pay the price by having to hear about it:

 

When I was in my late teens, I fell in love with the most gorgeous artist on earth. He was a little quirky, sensitive, and lots of fun. Sex was great. Everytime I hear that new song about "Your body is a wonderland," I think of him.

 

Anyway, I moved across the country for university; he moved to a big city to persue his dreams of becoming an artist. We kept up our torrid sex whenever we got back to our home town for the first year, but shortly after I met a man at university who I considered much more stable financially, yadda, yadda, and ended up marrying him.

 

Well, again, truth be told, hubby was never as, er, steamy, as my dreamy artist. But I reconciled this with the fact that dreamy artist would never have amounted to much, he was probably a bum on the streets, yadda, yadda.

 

Now get out the kleenex:

 

Last year, I'm reading the newspaper, and THERE HE IS!! Full blown picture in arts section, because he just won a HUGE national prize for illustrating a beautiful book. And he was even sexier in his middle age. Oh. My. Goooood.

 

Well, the paper also said he was in town for a book signing.

 

Yep, you guessed it. I show up, keeping my head down (avoiding eye contact with him) and ask him to just sign the book to "xxxxx [my name]".

 

He drops his pen, we make eye contact, and the flood gates were open. We hugged. We cried. We could hardly talk.

 

Anyway, he said he just got engaged. I said I've been married. We said we'd keep in touch. But of course we never will.

 

I left the book signing, clutching his beautiful book, and softly cried all the way to my car.

 

Thanks, guys, for the memories.

[Bill]

yes: Never ever. You can't imagine what this did to me. Putting my full heart into every relationship, watching it get torn up...

 

A year after the last relationship I was still not dating anymore, I could not take it. I hit rock bottom one month ago. Reality started to slip away. Chemicals in my brain, that were already off, went completely off. I could not tell dreams from reality. Migraines struck at all times. I could NOT concentrate at all. Memories would haunt me through the day. I started to become quite angry with everything and quite vengeful. Medication was needed to keep me stable.

 

Don't doubt me when I say never ever.

[yes]

i hope you have learned, Bill, and you will be more careful with your heart from now on.

 

good luck

-yes

[Bill]

This is not about learning. It's about being true. What I did was not wrong. In fact, it is the best thing ever.

[yes]

I highly doubt something as a result of which you needed to be on meds in order to be stable is "the best thing ever". But, to each their own. Enjoy.

 

-yes

[NEONINK]

Wow, Tony and Bill. Sometimes I forget that men can have deep feelings also. Sometimes I think it's only women that cry and cry and cry over somebody. It's good to know that guys can reach that emotional depth with someone.

 

So, then my next conclusion must be that only one of the parties of a breakup must really feel great pain, otherwise, if both parties would have felt it, it would never have ended.

 

hmmmm.....

[stewh]

I think you are right Neonink.

 

In my break up I think I have been more emotional and in pain than my ex.

 

Which I am surprised at to be honest.

 

However she has someone else to occupy her time and I don't.

 

I think that if we had both felt as bad as one another and come together and talked about things then we would have looked into how we could have saved our relationship.

[NEONINK]

oh. the old switcharoo. Don't you just hate that? They replace you immediately, and seem to feel no pain. Ouch. Sorry.

 

But rest assured. It comes back somehow. One day, she'll be going along and out it will slip. We can hide and deny our pain, but I think it eventually will show its ugly head. At least you will be over your pain, she'll just be starting hers. That's why closure is important.

[stewh]

Your right Neonink