lexi29 Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 How does one deal with never talking to someone they once loved deeply and spent a lot of time with. In the event of the death of a loved one you have no choice. That person is no longer around. You know they didn't leave you because they didnt' love you. But with an ex, totally different story, you can still run into them. They are still there, but they pretend you never existed. My bf of 3 years ended it about a week and a half ago. he has an 8yr old son I am/was very close to. He ended things because he found someone else. He did not cheat on me but cheated on her with me (long story, not intentional on my part as I did not know he was seeing anyone) so he is no longer "allowed" to have any contact with me. Its hard because I saw him and his son almost every day for the last 3 years and in the last six years (that we'd been friends) I'd never gone more than 2 days without talking to him. He was a single dad with custody of his son so I saw his son ALL the time. I was very close to him. Like a special aunt or something. Now I'm just cut off cold turkey, I asked if I could still see his son on occasion but NO. He can't allow it because of HER. I didn't even get to say good bye to him or his son. it was just like one day everything was ok and the next my whole world collasped. I just can't get used to the fact that I"m supposed to pretend I never met them. That if I see them somewhere I can't even say hi. Or that I can but I will be ignored. Or rejected. I can't understand how someone can just pretend you never existed. I guess one reason it is hard for me is I'm still friends with several of my exes. (one I dated for five years and was engaged to and lived with) I broke up with him but we still talk and even hang out when he's in town (maybe three times a year) another ex from a long time ago, we are best friends, hang out often, talk on the phone etc. Any of my other exes that live in the area if I happen to see them (maybe once a year or so, we will say hi and catch up for a few minutes. But with this most recent ex, he was my best friend, I loved him and his son and they loved me (I thought) and now I have to act like I dont' know them if I see them. We only live 20 minutes apart. Moving isn't an option for me, I've been at my job for six years and enjoy it. I'm just terrified I'm going to run into him and HER somewhere and not know what to do. Its going to hurt when he ignores me or she grabs his hand or kisses him if she sees me. I want to think that I was important to him. not that I meant nothing to him and that he can throw away our memories so carelessly. I dont' want him back- she can have him. But at the same time I miss just talking to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanslatete Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 It's a mix of feelings for me. I've really missed her today, she was everything to me and I think I'll always miss her to be truthful. I long for her all the time but she did me wrong and hurt me really badly and for that I don't like her. So already I love/hate/miss her and on top of that there's puzzlement in why she did it in the first place, we were so close. I get sad when I think of what we had and how things are now, I don't expect to see her in a hurry (her choice) if ever again and that breaks my heart. I thought we were inseperable, an item and it's a total mindfuc^ that she changed so quickly and deserted me for someone else. I dunno, do you really 'deal' with this or do you just 'get by'? I'm in total NC mode and that in itself is painful, we used to text all the time and now....nothing. Never see her again, I guess, but why it has to be like this I don't understand. I just hope there's a meaning some way down the line that all this is preparing me for. Link to post Share on other sites
brothermartin Posted October 15, 2007 Share Posted October 15, 2007 Yeah, I miss my ex too. I think Im the one that destroyed our relationship, Im not sure. But if you ask her, it was my fault. Now I'm stuck with this feeling of complete regret. She hasnt called, no email, no text msg, nothing. To answer your question: I dont know how you get over being treated like a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
MartianChronicles Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 i don't know if i am really missing my ex right now. after our breakup, he'd become someone else, really different from the man i knew. even if he came back (and i'm sure he won't), i am uncertain whether i'd take him back. however, what really hurts now is the thought of all that we had, all the love i gave to him and the love he gave to me, the good times we had together, and how it all went to waste. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanslatete Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I had the same thing as you Martian, my ex went strange before the break up, it was like someone else in her body. It was so sad to go through, to have to watch the transformation of someone I loved so deeply into someone I was a stranger to. Her whole character changed, I can't explain it, but it was horrible. I think, like you do, of all the years of happiness we shared, all the walks and laughs and sharing of dreams. Then she changed, just like that, and I was shut out in the cold. Yes, it does feel like a waste, six and a half years gone in an instant, and nothing but heartache to show for it. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 however, what really hurts now is the thought of all that we had, all the love i gave to him and the love he gave to me, the good times we had together, and how it all went to waste. Then she changed, just like that, and I was shut out in the cold. Yes, it does feel like a waste, six and a half years gone in an instant, and nothing but heartache to show for it. My ex did some of that too. Became a different person. Call it exploring or what, but its still hard to come to terms with. Although I dont look at it as a waste. We had far too many good memories and good time together. Very very few bad memories...in fact I cant think of anything "bad" with us. If anything she has helped me realize what I really can offer to someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanslatete Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I hope to get to your level soon niceguy, I know I can offer a lot to someone else, the trouble is getting past the grieving stage for me, seems to be going on forever. It sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 yeah i still think of her almost all the time but now its more of a longing to be with her and not so much of an emptiness when we first split. I think because of the reasons things ended is why I have gotten a lot better. If in the future we all get back with our ex's it will be because BOTH parties want to be together. Actually, read my most recent post here and see if it helps at all: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127125/20 Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 oh... so the point is, grieve as long as it takes. dont deny yourself that. I disappeared for a month from all my friends and family while i broke down every single night. you have to be able to know your feelings and let them come as they are. when you do, you will get to a point where you will make a decision to stop feeling that way. its so small you hardly notice it, but after time it gets easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanslatete Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 Just read your post niceguy and it does make a lot of sense. It's just a case of keeping on keeping on isn't it? It just feels like forever sometimes though, the days all merge into one and it's just a great big Groundhog day. I'm trying to get her out my head, but the bitch won't go without a fight. Thanks for the advice man, it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 haha. i hear ya. to us it seems like yesterday, to them its been a long time. i just keep telling myself that i am better and i know what i can give. i want to give it to her and only her but if it means giving later down the road i can deal with that. for now i do what i want to do and have taken the attitude of me, me, me for the first time in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanslatete Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 Yeah, me, me, me, sounds familiar, I'm getting that way too. If I can't have her, I'm going to have everything else MY way. First time in my life too. Kinda selfish but it's the only way forward I guess? Got to look after me first as I'm the one dealing with all this baloney. Link to post Share on other sites
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 I think that's the way to go. I am usually the most selfless person I know, but during this time I've been very, very selfish. I don't make commitments I don't want to keep, I don't go out if if I don't want to, and I allow myself to indulge in pretty much whatever I want right now. I'm actually starting to enjoy not having to care about anyone else right now. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 i think a lot of us on here are like that. we wouldnt be here if we deep down really selfish. were here because were not that way. so thats why its not bad to do this and do anything you want to. its a great mechanism to build yourself back up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lexi29 Posted October 19, 2007 Author Share Posted October 19, 2007 So the weird thing is after I wrote on here about how to deal with never seeing/hearing from my ex again (he broke up with me and told me never to contact him again and that I could never see his son again.) he is seeing someone new, cheated on her with me only two days after they began dating, I told her and he flipped out. Well a week later he called me and said he was just calling to say hi. He told me he's not mad at me and that I can see his son whenever I want. He is still with the new girl (she stayed even tho he cheated on her). He said "I can't lie to you, I've been thinking about you a lot lately" Why would he say that??? I handled the phone call really well, just acted like I didn't care, told him I went on a date (lie). He actually had the nerve to say "wow you move fast" and I laughed because it was so ridiculous and said look whose talking. (started dating the new girl about two days after he told me it was over.) then he tried to tell me he didnt' leave me for her. That when she found out he left me she asked him out. What?? Anyhow now only two weeks after he left me, she has taken my place, she stays at his house all the time. So if he's so happy with her why is he calling me and basically telling me he misses me and thinks about me? Why did he change his mind about letting me see his son? Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 I dont mean to sound mean or heartless...But why would you want someone who did that to you? He a) left you and hooked up with someone else b) cheated on her by hooking up with you c) hes trying to continue what hes doing. I would love to be in his shoes right now! Im not trying to patronize you or make your situation seem insignificant but come on...Ask yourself..."If this happened to one of my friends, would I be ok with it?" I may be a little jaded because I see people on here that have been abused verbally, cheated on, lied to, used, manipulated, crapped on, etc and yet continue to beat themselves up. Yet I have to deal with my own personal situtation where things go down the tubes because of issues from an ex's childhood affecting her like intimacy and commitment issues. A big giant grey area that is hard to figure out what path to take. Sorry but thats my take on it...Anyone who would treat someone like that is a piece of garbage. Plain and simple. To use you like that and go back and forth hooking up with another girl at the same time. Atypical guy right there. Amazing that most women out there stay with men like that. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 Basically...You deserve a heck of a lot better than having to deal with what he's putting you through. There are times when patience is needed to understand things or a realization has to come about for anything to change for the better. But there are certain lines that have to be drawn when its time to CUT IT OFF...Cheating, lying, abuse, etc. My .02. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lexi29 Posted October 19, 2007 Author Share Posted October 19, 2007 I know you are absolutely right, I shouldnt' want anything to do with him. But after him being in my life for the past six years its hard that suddenly him and his son just aren't there anymore. there is this huge void there and its so hard to fill it. ALL of my friends are in relationships and while I can hang out with them its not the same. I know that he is a jerk and the practical side of my brain knows that I have no future with him and I"d be crazy to want a future with him. And I don't want to "win" him back (and have not done anything to even attempt to get him back) I just want him around to make this pain go away. So I quit thinking about him and missing him. I'd be happy with just being friends with him. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself. Link to post Share on other sites
niceguy27 Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 That void will probably always be there. But you do have control as to how much you can refill that void. After some time that feeling of emptiness will fade somewhat. Its still kind of fresh for you so accept that it is a loss. But you will have to consciouly decide to move on and only then can you start to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
k10k Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 But after him being in my life for the past six years its hard that suddenly him and his son just aren't there anymore. there is this huge void there and its so hard to fill it. ALL of my friends are in relationships and while I can hang out with them its not the same. Lexi.. can relate to that.. all of my friends are happily involved in relationships too, and to be the only single one at a social gathering is really tough, especially since you're so used to having a partner. I find the weekends to be the absolute worst, and Friday afternoons totally depressing. That is when I really start to miss him the most - but I'm trying to hang in there, and keep reminding myself that it won't feel like this forever Link to post Share on other sites
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