The steak and hamburger rationale - is there a cure?

[Mustang Sally]

Good points, michaelk.

 

And, believe it or not, I actually do agree with what you are saying.

 

It's just that when I think of the diametrically opposed forces of our biological nature and our monogamous society, I usually end up feeling a bit frustrated and hopeless.

 

Like, why do we even try to overcome such strong urges?

Maybe monogamy is overrated?

 

How unpleasant for one partner to have these constant thoughts of wanting so many other partners but not being able to have them...

 

How equally unpleasant for the other partner to know that their SO is constantly "cruising for strange," even if not acting upon it...

 

Today I guess I just feel like maybe we'd be better if we lived in a different social structure...kind of like lions, maybe?

[michaelk]

Good points, michaelk.

 

And, believe it or not, I actually do agree with what you are saying.

 

It's just that when I think of the diametrically opposed forces of our biological nature and our monogamous society, I usually end up feeling a bit frustrated and hopeless.

 

Like, why do we even try to overcome such strong urges?

Maybe monogamy is overrated?

 

How unpleasant for one partner to have these constant thoughts of wanting so many other partners but not being able to have them...

 

How equally unpleasant for the other partner to know that their SO is constantly "cruising for strange," even if not acting upon it...

 

Today I guess I just feel like maybe we'd be better if we lived in a different social structure...kind of like lions, maybe?

 

I'm right there with you, Sally!

 

Those are all great thoughts. Perhaps you and I can come up with a societal model that will be more comfortable for everyone?

 

Then again, that may be impossible. I imagine women and men as yin and yang, destined to continue coexisting, but not without tension.

[Trialbyfire]

Today I guess I just feel like maybe we'd be better if we lived in a different social structure...kind of like lions, maybe?

Sorry MS, but I have to call you on this one. If we were in a pride, there would only be one lioness in my pride. I don't share.

[Cobra_X30]

Good points, michaelk.

 

And, believe it or not, I actually do agree with what you are saying.

 

It's just that when I think of the diametrically opposed forces of our biological nature and our monogamous society, I usually end up feeling a bit frustrated and hopeless.

 

Like, why do we even try to overcome such strong urges?

Maybe monogamy is overrated?

 

How unpleasant for one partner to have these constant thoughts of wanting so many other partners but not being able to have them...

 

How equally unpleasant for the other partner to know that their SO is constantly "cruising for strange," even if not acting upon it...

 

Today I guess I just feel like maybe we'd be better if we lived in a different social structure...kind of like lions, maybe?

 

Its not like that at all!

 

This whole argument that Men are wired to want every woman that passes by is a load of garbage!

 

Do you think that our DNA is the end of the story?

[smartgirl]

I think a lot of good points have been made. I'd like to add on.

 

I believe men are more wired to desire variety. Doesn't mean they have to do it or get some kind of pass when they do.

 

I think the desire for something different is aggravated by past sexual experiences. My H had none before we got together as teenagers. We've been together over 30 years and this baggage has reared it's head several times. I think a woman has these thoughts as well, but women are not judged by their sexual experience the way men are. And I believe this judgement is made by women as well as other men. So for a man, it isn't just the desire for variety but the notion that he is a less successful man if he hasn't proved himself in that area or if he hasn't proved himself in a long time. It can affect confidence and raise a lot of questions in a man's mind about his abilities and his choices.

 

I think this desire for something different can also rear its head with a man that is afraid of emotional intimacy and has experienced multiple partners on a superficial level only. This man has difficulty experiencing the passion that develops through love and real emotional intimacy and relies on superficial stimulus like body parts and novelty. He will usually have insecurities about his sexual abilities and feel too afraid to explore much more than basic sexual release with his wife while fretting almost to the point of shutting down about whether he is pleasing her or not. Doesn't make sense I know.

 

Your husband definitly has some personal issues in this area that likely go pretty far back in his life. It seems like he really loves you or he wouldn't be going to therapy. But to make the move, he is going to have to expose himself emotionally and that can be extremely difficult for some men. The trick for him will be refocusing his thinking so he isn't as worried about what you want from him as he is on what he wants to give you. There is a difference.

 

Keep up with the therapy. Read "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom." It can give you both good perspective on what a man needs vs a woman.

[Mustang Sally]

Sorry MS, but I have to call you on this one. If we were in a pride, there would only be one lioness in my pride. I don't share.

I hear you.

I guess I was thinking of it more in terms of the women, coming together to share resources to raise the children, with the men only minimally in the picture....they could be out carousing, or whatever their "biological drive" requires them to do.

 

Then, when the women are no longer bearing any more children, they are free to find whatever male(s) they desire and have fulfilling sexcapades that could become a monogamous R if both parties desire, or not.

 

Of course, this is not an exhaustive description of my (female-centered?) lion-society-like utopia....but maybe you get the idea?

 

(And ease up all you men who think I'm bashing....it's really just a JOKE.)

[Blackfrost]

Just that knowledge that no matter what I am, how good I look, how intelligent, how caring, how much fun, how open-minded, in the end I will end up being less sexually interesting than just about every other woman on the planet for not being the one single thing I can never ever be: someone else.

 

I love my wife, but I also totally agree with this statement. I won't apologize for being a man and feeling this way, because it's not a thought that I intentionally generate every day: it just happens to appear, when I see an attractive woman. There's nothing you (as a women) can do about it, but have faith in your man to be moral enough to not act on this impulse. Some men can be strong and some cannot.