Jealous relative nonresponsive over marriage plans?

[kitkatt]

I asked a family member to be my maid of honor (MOH)...She showed no enthusiasm and lack of respect getting back to me. She clearly showed by her lack of response that she had other distractions in her life that were more important than me and my wedding day (namely school and her non-committing boyfriend of almost two years for example) Since my wedding is only months away and i have no brothers or sisters to help me and my mom died, I decided to move on without waiting for her answer and picked a close friend to be my MOH. I was hurt that my cousin didn't think enough of me to help or take part in the most imp. day of my life...Now, she found out i picked someone else as MOH and it seems she wants to be a bridesmaid (she left a chirpy lame message saying something was wrong with my phone and she tried reaching me) ...I don't want her to be a bridesmaid because she wasn't there for me at all when I needed an answer for MOH. I'll invite her to the wedding, but that's it. I know her parents are disappointed. Why didn't she share in my happiness (even strangers showed more joy for me)? Also, should I worry that her parents who I'm close to will be very disappointed that she won't be part of the bridal party? this decision not having her in my bridal party will probably sever ties with my cousin forever, but i know i don't want a sourpuss in my bridal party--family or not.

[sunshinegirl]

You sound quick to judge your cousin's delay in responding to you. What makes you think she's jealous?

 

While your impending wedding is a cause for celebration, I hope you realize that other peoples' lives don't revolve around yours.

 

Unless there's a lot more back-story between you and your cousin, you sound bride-zilla-ish.

[kitkatt]

Well, when you give someone two months to let you know if they will take on the most important role in your wedding, it seems rather selfish that she couldn't respond especially knowing she was the most important person i thought of--

[curiousnycgirl]

Perhaps it was unfair of her to not respond, but you certainly could have called her to follow up and say that you needed an answer and that you would go with a back up plan if she couldn't do it.

 

I would suggest you speak with her and see what's going on. If she is sorry for not having gotten back to you - then let it go and let her be a bridesmaid. This is one day in your life - not worth throwing away what was probably a great life long relationship !

[kitkatt]

gave her ample opportunity to respond and even just be a bridesmaid--showed total disregard even when i emailed and left messages saying let me know asap ur answer cuz it's holding up my bridal party---no response...and the one time i managed to get her on phone she said i'll call u right back and called two days later...showed me she didn't care or wasn't at all interested in the most imp. day of my life

[sunshinegirl]

You didn't mention that you gave her two months to respond in your original post. That is definitely a long time.

 

Still, I agree with kitkatt - what prevented you from calling her up after a couple of weeks to ask for a response? The lack of communication seems to be going in both directions here.

 

Most importantly though I think you probably don't want to destroy a family relationship over this.

[norajane]

..the most important day of my life...

Maybe, but probably not. You will have many other important days, and some will be even more important. The day you have your first child, the day you buy your first house...

 

Point being, cutting off family ties for ONE day of your life is generally a bad idea. It makes you look spiteful and bridezilla-ish. If this truly is the most important day to you, then let your happiness surround you and act with joy and love - be the bigger person!

 

Perhaps your cousin really couldn't take on the duties of a MOH...don't they have to plan the shower and stuff? And who pays for that anyway - maybe she couldn't afford to pay for a shower?

 

Extend some of your happiness and let her be the bridesmaid. It's a better way to start off your married life than with bitterness and animosity.

[Kalamazoo]

Yes, it was a little rude of her not to get back to you for two whole months, but I think you're over reacting. Maybe she just didn't know how to tell you that she didn't want to be the MOH?

You say she's a student, she probably has a lot to deal with in her life as it is and didn't want the extra responsibility at this point.

 

Maybe you should talk to her about it and find out what her explaination is.

[sarme]

Oh my god what's wrong with you people, you are jumping on Kittkat's throat for being hurt that her cousin totally dissed her on the most important day of her life!?!? WTF? And yes it is a very important day. You people should respect what things mean to others even if you cannot relate..then that's your problem. And NO it is not bridezilla-ish at all to be upset at something like this. What kind of woman says "no"to being a MOH and puts nonsense trival excuses as this woman did? I'll tell you who a selfish rotten envious person does.

 

KittKat your cousin does sound jealous and mean spirited, not to mention totally selfish. She can't stand the fact you are getting married and after two years she can't even get her own man to commit. Women can be very catty and yes sadly even family can be disappointing.

 

I say you forget about her, she will come to the realisation alone that what she is doing to you whent he time is right. You go ahead and have a good friend help you and plan around her not with her let her come to you, gees I would help you and I don't even know you.. A wedding is such a wonderful time for a woman if she cannot put her own selfish needs aside then you don't need bad energy like that around on your wedding day.

 

Some people can only think of themselves period.

 

Oh and I am really sorry you lost your mom, I'm sure your mom would be there with you every step of the way.

[katiebour]

Oh my god what's wrong with you people, you are jumping on Kittkat's throat for being hurt that her cousin totally dissed her on the most important day of her life!?!? WTF? And yes it is a very important day. You people should respect what things mean to others even if you cannot relate..then that's your problem. And NO it is not bridezilla-ish at all to be upset at something like this. What kind of woman says "no"to being a MOH and puts nonsense trival excuses as this woman did? I'll tell you who a selfish rotten envious person does.

 

KittKat your cousin does sound jealous and mean spirited, not to mention totally selfish. She can't stand the fact you are getting married and after two years she can't even get her own man to commit. Women can be very catty and yes sadly even family can be disappointing.

 

I say you forget about her, she will come to the realisation alone that what she is doing to you whent he time is right. You go ahead and have a good friend help you and plan around her not with her let her come to you, gees I would help you and I don't even know you.. A wedding is such a wonderful time for a woman if she cannot put her own selfish needs aside then you don't need bad energy like that around on your wedding day.

 

Some people can only think of themselves period.

 

Oh and I am really sorry you lost your mom, I'm sure your mom would be there with you every step of the way.

 

You're jumping down everyone else's throats with a post like this full of vitriol. We don't know why the cousin didn't call back- stress, forgetfullness, doesn't want to be in the wedding/doesn't want to buy a dress (those things are expensive!), misplaced phone number, frankly, none of us knows. In the larger scheme of things, is it really that important? You just get a good friend to be MOH, have friends be your bridesmaids, send the cousin a nicely engraved invitation and let that be it.

 

Having been a bridesmaid for two of my good friends, and having watched one of them go crazy as the MOH for the other, I've seen and experienced the havoc that is a wedding. To tell the truth it's just reinforced my own opinion that eloping is the best choice for all concerned... saves on bills and fuss. I don't blame anyone for not neccessarily wanting to be a central figure in someone else's "big day;" you can be happy for them without wanting the responsibility and stress of organization. That's why wedding planners exist- to take all that crap away from the MOH and other family.

 

As for the cousin being jealous and mean-spirited- I would say at the most we could assume she's busy with her own life and not as close to the OP as the OP might have thought. I'm not very close to any of my cousins and if they sent me an invitation I'd probably just send my congratulations and a gift.

 

Overall this sounds like an overreaction to what is essentially one day out of the rest of your life. Some people just go in front of a judge and avoid the whole mess altogether, and somehow, they still manage to have a great married life afterward. It's what happens AFTER the wedding, for the rest of your life, that counts.

[sarme]

You're jumping down everyone else's throats with a post like this full of vitriol. We don't know why the cousin didn't call back- stress, forgetfullness, doesn't want to be in the wedding/doesn't want to buy a dress (those things are expensive!), misplaced phone number, frankly, none of us knows. In the larger scheme of things, is it really that important? You just get a good friend to be MOH, have friends be your bridesmaids, send the cousin a nicely engraved invitation and let that be it.

 

Having been a bridesmaid for two of my good friends, and having watched one of them go crazy as the MOH for the other, I've seen and experienced the havoc that is a wedding. To tell the truth it's just reinforced my own opinion that eloping is the best choice for all concerned... saves on bills and fuss. I don't blame anyone for not neccessarily wanting to be a central figure in someone else's "big day;" you can be happy for them without wanting the responsibility and stress of organization. That's why wedding planners exist- to take all that crap away from the MOH and other family.

 

As for the cousin being jealous and mean-spirited- I would say at the most we could assume she's busy with her own life and not as close to the OP as the OP might have thought. I'm not very close to any of my cousins and if they sent me an invitation I'd probably just send my congratulations and a gift.

 

Overall this sounds like an overreaction to what is essentially one day out of the rest of your life. Some people just go in front of a judge and avoid the whole mess altogether, and somehow, they still manage to have a great married life afterward. It's what happens AFTER the wedding, for the rest of your life, that counts.

 

 

"Vitriol"? Who says that? Couldn't you just say criticism?

 

 

Anyone can be a fairweather friend and it's easy to carry a friendship out or a relationship in the good times. What counts is who comes up to bat when the hard times hit.

 

Ahhh it's no wonder women for crazy or "lose" it for their wedding planning, it is a massive overwhelming task that on the one hand a woman wants to share with her friends and family and on the other hand it is simply too much for one person to organize alone. Because of this fact a lone a woman is supposed to abandon her dream for this day to not inconvenience those around her? What the heck kind of sense does that make? So go off on your eloping trip if that is what you want, clearly that is not what this woman wishes for her wedding and she has EVERY righ to be upset if those closest to her don't want to be involved. they don't have to be involved, fine, but SHE has every right to make note of that and chalk for exactly what it is: SHEER SELFISHNESS.

 

 

 

I would be extremely dissapointed too if my close friends and family turned their backs on me in my time of need. School? Boyfriend that won't commit? what kind of a lame-a$$ excuse is that for not wanting to help out? It's called SELFISHNESS it's called being so caught in themselves they do not even know how to give unconditionally.

 

 

It's always going to be VERY dissapointing to find out a close friend or family won't give unconditionally. You always find out who truly loves you in times such as these.

 

Of course some of you could not comprehend this because maybe your idea of friendship can only stretch to the scope of being a "fairweather friend" don't ask for an iota more, because that is not your idea of what friendship is. sheesh!

[katiebour]

"Vitriol"? Who says that? Couldn't you just say criticism?

 

I use words as circumstances dictate... I enjoy using a varied vocabulary.

 

 

Anyone can be a fairweather friend and it's easy to carry a friendship out or a relationship in the good times. What counts is who comes up to bat when the hard times hit.

 

I agree.

 

Ahhh it's no wonder women for crazy or "lose" it for their wedding planning, it is a massive overwhelming task that on the one hand a woman wants to share with her friends and family and on the other hand it is simply too much for one person to organize alone. Because of this fact a lone a woman is supposed to abandon her dream for this day to not inconvenience those around her?

 

I'm not saying that's what SHE should do- I'm saying that's what I would do. Big difference there, hun.

 

So go off on your eloping trip if that is what you want, clearly that is not what this woman wishes for her wedding and she has EVERY righ to be upset if those closest to her don't want to be involved. they don't have to be involved, fine, but SHE has every right to make note of that and chalk for exactly what it is: SHEER SELFISHNESS.

 

Thanks, I plan on pushing for an elopement if/when the circumstances arise. I think it is a big exaggeration to say that a person not wanting to be involved in the planning of the wedding is selfish. If you're close, it's expected that you would attend, but no one should feel obligated to donate time or money. They're guests, friends, and family, not servants.

 

I would be extremely dissapointed too if my close friends and family turned their backs on me in my time of need.

 

Your time of need?! Aren't you being overdramatic here? It's a wedding, not a deathbed illness. My point is that there are plenty of options, including do-it-yourselfers, friends who are willing/able to be involved, wedding planners, etc. Again I don't think it should be considered an obligation.

 

School? Boyfriend that won't commit? what kind of a lame-a$$ excuse is that for not wanting to help out? It's called SELFISHNESS it's called being so caught in themselves they do not even know how to give unconditionally.

 

I believe it's called having a life of your own and needing to focus on that instead of getting involved in other people's stress-filled events. Picture this- perhaps as a student she's struggling, getting C's or D's, and needs to devote herself to studying to pull her grades up before the end of the term. Selfishness? Or self-preservation? Suppose she and her b/f are going through a rough patch and she needs to devote herself to the preservation and improvement of the relationship... Selfishness? Or simply putting focus on what may be an important lifetime relationship?

 

My main point is, we don't know what's going on with the cousin, and while she seems to be a bit flaky for not calling back when she said she would, frankly I'd just move on to the next person on the list to be MOH, sent a polite invite to the cousin, and leave it at that. It's hardly a capital offense.

 

It's always going to be VERY dissapointing to find out a close friend or family won't give unconditionally. You always find out who truly loves you in times such as these.

 

It's a wedding- not the end of the world. "If you don't help out with my wedding you don't love me-" what kind of ridiculous statement is that?

 

Of course some of you could not comprehend this because maybe your idea of friendship can only stretch to the scope of being a "fairweather friend" don't ask for an iota more, because that is not your idea of what friendship is. sheesh!

 

Riiight... and you base this information on your extensive knowledge of me, my life, and my friendships. Uh huh. This, my friend, is what we call an ad hominem attack. Why don't you go look this up, along with vitriol?

[Kalamazoo]

While going to school I would probably turn down a MOH position as well. People don't seem to realize that it is A LOT of work. If I were a MOH I would want to give the position all of the possible attention I could manage and it simply isn't possible when you have assignments all the time. On top of the time crunch its a well known fact that students are usually starved for money; MOH's have to pay for their dress, the bachelorette party, a bachelorette present, and a wedding present among other things.

 

Maybe it's selfish, but personally if I had to choose between important grades and the "most important day" of somebody else's life, I'd choose the grades. But hey, we're all a little selfish by nature right?

 

The real issue isn't the fact that her cousin turned down the position, it is that she made her wait 2 months to tell her that she didn't want it. We need to remember that the poster listed those excuses for her cousin; I doubt her cousin actually said "I can't be MOH because my boyfriend won't commit". There could be many other reasons that we haven't considered, which still wouldn't really excuse her belated response, but we cannot blame her for not wanting to do something when we don't know the real motivations behind it.

[kitkatt]

:)Thank you to everyone who gave advice. There's a great outcome to all this. My cousin wasn't jealous afterall. She treated me for lunch yesterday and explained how busy she is with law school, and that she felt terrible that she couldn't be there in full capacity for me. I asked if she would be a second maid of honor, and she was overjoyed...So I'm having two maids of honor and my best friends are my bridesmaids. She' called first thing this morning to let me know she's already scheduled my shower for December!!! Thanks everyone.

[sarme]

That's terrific news and the way a decent person should handle it. Washing your hands of the whole ordeal and just basically saying "no can't" is not decent. Glad she came through and explained things to you and is handling your shower!

 

Best wishes for your wedding.

[sunshinegirl]

Congratulations! Glad it's all worked out.

 

At the same time, I hope you will treat this as a "lesson learned" and not jump to such accusatory, negative conclusions about people in the future. Reread what you said about your cousin in this thread, and compare it to reality. She was busy. Not jealous.

 

It can be refreshing to give people the benefit of the doubt (and not assume the worst!) before you know the whole story. Sometimes hard to do, but worth it.