Don't wanna be the only one putting in work for us!

[gonetildecember]

I have a really great boyfriend.

 

We've been together for about 3.5-4 months.. and have really great chemistry and passion for each other. I can say this is th happiest I've been with someone in a long time, if not ever.

 

At first he was always the persuer, the one scheduling the dates, getting excited and verbally expressing it about seeing me, inviting me over (we are about an hour and a half apart by car.. both go to school and work full time.. plus friends and study time) so we usually see each other every weekend of every other weekend.

 

We spent the first half of the relationship together. So there was some adjustment (communication, missing each other during the week, etc) but everything seems to have worked out.. 2+ phone calls a day, chatting online, visits on weekends for the whole weekend.

 

What I started noticing in the last two weeks is I feel like he takes our time for granted and isn't as pumped about planning/when we'll see each other next. Before it used to be like, I can't wait to see you.. can you come this weekend.. now its me saying.. baby when next can we do a visit. And just generally me trying harder to communicate, make plans...

 

It could be that he's comfortable now and theres no uncertainty about where feelings lie, but I was wondering if maybe I'm just putting in too much.. and he just figures.. she'll take care of it? Is there anyway to rekindle his interest in me, in taking initiative and craving that time with me.. and making it exciting/different for us... or is it just time to get into our routine?

[DOA]

I've been feeling the same way lately about my own relationship. I suppose the best thing I can advise is, if you feel like you are putting more effort into the relationship than your bf, take a step back and have some fun by yourself. Just invest in yourself or go out with friends more and cut back on the dependency and pressures of maintaining a distance relationship. Who knows, maybe he'll realize he needs to put more effort in OR he won't feel a change at all, in which case, you two should be at a happy medium then.

 

Hang in there.

[gonetildecember]

I dunno, DOA, I started realising.. he does put in effort.. he calls, we have good conversations.. and that is def an improvement.. it used to be about twenty minutes total every other day.. and now its about an hour plus every day...

 

but im started to get frustrated about our visits.. maybe i'm just missing him extra today, but it's starting to bug me that he's not making every effort to see me. We've both had exams for the past two weeks so we were unable to visit. Next weekend he doesn't have any exams for at least a week after it, so i asked if he wanted me to come visit.. he said we'll see.. thats halloween weekend isn't it (meaning a big party weekend).. am i being unreasonable.. in that he hasnt asked me or confirmed we will get to see each other.. especially since we have exams the weekend after... so if i don't see him then it will be 5 weeks since our last meeting.

 

it wont bug me as much if he actually spends that weekend studying ahead like he is hinting he will have to, but i know he is going to end up going out and it just makes me jealous that after 3 weeks he would pass up the chance to see me to go out with his friends? Am i being unreasonable?

[shadowplay]

I dunno, DOA, I started realising.. he does put in effort.. he calls, we have good conversations.. and that is def an improvement.. it used to be about twenty minutes total every other day.. and now its about an hour plus every day...

 

but im started to get frustrated about our visits.. maybe i'm just missing him extra today, but it's starting to bug me that he's not making every effort to see me. We've both had exams for the past two weeks so we were unable to visit. Next weekend he doesn't have any exams for at least a week after it, so i asked if he wanted me to come visit.. he said we'll see.. thats halloween weekend isn't it (meaning a big party weekend).. am i being unreasonable.. in that he hasnt asked me or confirmed we will get to see each other.. especially since we have exams the weekend after... so if i don't see him then it will be 5 weeks since our last meeting.

 

it wont bug me as much if he actually spends that weekend studying ahead like he is hinting he will have to, but i know he is going to end up going out and it just makes me jealous that after 3 weeks he would pass up the chance to see me to go out with his friends? Am i being unreasonable?

 

You're not being unreasonable at all. You only live an hour and a half apart and he would go five weeks without seeing you so he can party with his buddies on Halloween? That's absurd. He's not showing that he's really committed to you or making the relationship work. You need to have a talk with him. Say you don't want to continue with him unless he puts in some effort. Don't nag him. Just say this once and stick to it. Also don't be the one to ask him if he's coming, don't be the one to call him -- he should do all this stuff on his own.

[Texan]

My only thought (and this based on the way you worded it and the fact that it wasn't really spelled out in your post) is ...

 

Is it possible for you to go to him that weekend instead of him coming to you? I know that my SO lives three hours from me, but then we have some extenuating circumstances (she lost her job a few weeks ago) and I usually make the extra effort to go see her. However, she has - on many occasions - driven up to see me on her own initiative. (I do offer to pay for her gas, but usually she won't accept or will let me top off her tank for what she used to get up here.)

 

Just a thought... perhaps you could go to him? Best wishes on success.

[compassion42]

I think you're right, he is just feeling comfortable in the relationship and is showing that by not being as anxious/excited to get together. I would suggest that you perhaps mix things up a bit and not be as predictable and perhaps it will get him thinking again.

[love4ever]

I had this similar thing happen in the beginning but instead of me getting frustrated with my self I changed it. In the beginning I always made the 4-hour drive to his place because he is more busy then I am and simply I just wanted to see him more than me.....but if you do that they get too comfortable. So I backed off with the affection and calling him . . .I told him we need to alternate no matter how busy he gets. I refused to go see him till he came up to see me. It's works fine now and we both put in the energy needed to maintain a LDR

[gonetildecember]

Thanks for all your posts...

 

Texan: Out of the 4-5 times we've seen each other since going LDR I've gone to see him. I have a car, he doesn't.. so I've done it quite a few times compared to his one time coming up here. It really doesn't bother me to go see him, I don't mind, but I'd just like him to show some initiative/desire for me to actually come.. instead of me being like can i come see you.. and it being on his terms.

>>>>

 

Yesterday.. he said.. so why don't I come up next weekend.. and I was soo happy because I had left it alone and not mentionned it and he said it himself.. And then he said, but I'll come up saturday. So in a way it was kind of bittersweet for me, because yeah he's coming, but i still feel second best. he told me that it is a friends bday and they are going out on the friday and they asked him weeks ago (altho there was never any mention of this before). A friend of mine told me that the guys are going out friday, so i think he basically just doesnt wanna miss halloween weekend with the guys, but knows it will kill me if i don't see him at all. I asked if there was anyway he can come friday and he said, we'll see.. i'll let you know.. but for now its just saturday.

 

I feel kinda crazy for not being completely happy, but like this month I have seen him for a total of 2 days.. and then ill get one day next week. He sees his friends, lives with them, goes to school with them and he can go out with them anytime.. and I still feel like one day still leaves me with the short end of the stick.

<<<<<<<

 

Compassion/Love4ever

- what kinda things did you guys do to shake things up

i dont wanna confront him and make it seem like an attack and say he doesn;t miss me.. but i would love the extra effort.. or even some at all.. it really gets me down.

[love4ever]

Compassion/Love4ever

- what kinda things did you guys do to shake things up

i dont wanna confront him and make it seem like an attack and say he doesn;t miss me.. but i would love the extra effort.. or even some at all.. it really gets me down.

 

Well I changed my whole approach to things. I was making myself too available for him....always called him right back when he called, I sounded so enthusiastic to hear from him, like I was waiting for him to call all day. And I pretty much came up to see him whenever I got the chance because I go to school but my weekends are free, he works pretty much everyday in the week b/c he runs his own office. After doing all that I felt I probably liked him more than he did me . . .which probably isn't the best position to be so early in the relationship. Especially since at this point we weren't bf/gf just dating.

So I didn't call him back as much, tried to sound like him calling was just a regular part of my day. I tried to go out more with my own friends so I wasn't so available when he called. I just told him I can't keep coming up here when he had never even seen my place up to that point. I mean I didn't mind really mind but it still had to be a 50/50 type of deal. He really didn't have time but I put my foot down with out making any type of ultimatum it was pretty much just a statement about how things had to change. Once I said that I didn't mention it much again except when I missed him and asked him when was he going to see me. I didn't get to see him for some months because he is busiest during the summer and he was new to running a new office so delegating functions to other people was hard to do. He eventually figured it out and we've been mostly fine since

[compassion42]

Love4ever has some great suggestions that maybe you can adapt to your situation. I especially like the simple idea of changing your tone when he does call to one of it just being an ordinary occurance-not something special because I think guys do get a bit of an ego when they sense that our lives revolve around them and that's when the are likely to neglect us.

[gonetildecember]

Yah, i'm definetely getting that vibe from him. He expects me to always be there and answer, because I always do.. so he takes all that for granted and figures he can call whenever.. as well as the coming to visit thing.

 

I'm going to try that this week.. After thinking about it, I've realised that all of the issues that have been bugging me stem from the fact that he may be taking me and my time for granted.. because I've always been there.. And I want him to realise (without him taking it as me nagging or attacking him) that effort still has to be put in.. and just because we're comfortable he doesn't have to try anymore.

 

I'm going to try out some of the things you guys mentionned. Any additional tips would be helpful. Thanks again.

[dancinggal]

I think Love4Ever pretty much hit the nail on the head. Guys are weird. They start out chasing you, and then when they get comfortable, they get slack. They begin to think you'll always be there, and as girls, we always want to be there. Don't play games (like make him jealous on purpose by flirting with another guy and then letting it slip), but make yourself less available to him. Its a generally well known fact, being less available makes a guy go crazy, mainly because you used to be comfortable, and now he has to work to get at you.

 

Go out and do stuff, it doesn't have to be big, it could be as small as going to the movies, or grabbing coffee with friends, upping your gym sessions, anything. Then, when you guys talk on the phone, talk about all the stuff you've been doing and how much fun its been. He'll start to remember the hot, independent, amazing woman he fell in love with, and why he did.

 

You shouldn't have to put in all the work, that's not fair. If he doesn't want to come see you, just say, that's cool, I'll just go hang with a group of friends at the local bar instead. He'll be coming around fast after that, believe me!

[gonetildecember]

Just another thing...

Am I wrong in that I don't think I should ask him to come a day earlier? It will be three weeks since we've last seen each other, and when he finally told me he wanted to come Saturday, I said.. is there no way you can come friday... he said he would let me know.

 

I really want him to come friday as that will be 2 days in a six week period that I actually get to spend time with him.. but I don't feel I should beg for time. He can go out with his friends anytime right.. he should want to come for the extra day.

 

Should I just stick it out and see if he comes to that conclusion on his own after I try shaking things up a bit this week... or should i specifically tell him that the one extra day is very important to me and see if that prompts him to come Friday?

[dancinggal]

You're not wrong at all with wanting to spend time with him, and he should be wanting to spend as much time with you as possible. You could approach this in two ways (you'll have to call it based on what you think would get the best reaction). You can either put your foot down, ask why he isn't making an effort and demand that he find a way to make you priority when you won't have the time to hang out for another 6 weeks. Or you can say, that's cool, I'll just go to a party my neighbour's having/go out to a club/spend time with my mates, whatever. But you should certainly expect him to want to hang out with you.

[gonetildecember]

That's what I'm thinking...

 

He said the reason he's coming saturday is because a friend is going out for their birthday and told him weeks ago.. mind you he never mentionned this before, and it isn't a close friend.. just an acquaintance...And it also happens that I know his friends want to go out as it's halloween..but there could be some friend who is celebrating their birthday.. just found it funny he never mentionned it before.

 

I know that if situations were reversed I would put my foot down and go see him.. since it is only 2 days in a six month span... but I dunno.. I asked and he said he'd see if he could come Friday.

 

I really don't want to have to beg him to come see me.. I don't feel I should have to. I'm hoping with my semi-withdrawal from the normal routine.. that might make him realise that he shouldn't take our time for granted.

[dancinggal]

Its a good approach, being kind of distance and doing your own thing. He'll learn that you don't hang around the house waiting for him to turn up or call. If he's not coming out to see you Friday night, make plans, make sure you have a good story to tell on Saturday. Still be in bed when he turns up in the morning so he thinks you had a huge night. And make sure you have fun anyways (just cos its fun to go out!). Don't ask him about his night, just talk about yours. It seems kind of immature, but it'll probably make him go, if I'm not here, she'll find her own thing to do, and maybe meet someone else.

[gonetildecember]

Yeah there is a big party my friend invited me to Friday night and I casually mentionned it yesterday.. I could talk about it a little more and see how he reacts to that. He said "he would see" if he could come up Friday.. so maybe that will give him some incentive to come earlier.

 

When I asked he said... you really want me to come Friday.. and me not wanting to have to beg him or guilt trip him into coming .. said well if you have to be there for your friends thing I'll understand.. but it would have been really nice to get an extra day with you. Maybe I should have put my foot down. I guess we'll see how this goes.

[love4ever]

Its not really the talking about that will do him in. The affects will be after....like if he tries to call you that evening and your like I can only talk for so long I have to get ready to go out. And then afterwards talk about how much fun you had.

And just let him know if he doesn't plan on coming on Friday its completely fine because you have plans. You've already expressed to him that it was important to you so if he doesn't get up to this point maybe he'll feel it after the fact. Good Luck!

[blueberry sundae]

Sorry, if he's not making effort to see you, he is just not that into you. Please forget about him and start dating other people. If he had the same passion for you as you do for him, he'd be coming to see YOU EVERY weekend. He just doesn't have the same passion for you, though, that is clear.

I'm sorry to be direct, but this is clear. At least you know.

don't degrade yourself by calling him and contacting him.

[Els]

There's something I don't really understand about some of the advice given... in a commited relationship, do we really need to 'play games', as in, act not-so-into-him and not-so-available so he'll come to realize what he's missing and turn his act around? I'm not denying it's human nature but... if someone really is your SO, shouldn't you just be able to talk it out with him instead of going around the bush? I mean, it's definitely good to go out and do your own thing... but not with the intention of letting him 'see that you have a life', right?

 

I'm not criticizing anyone or anything here, just genuinely curious about why people would advise that. Perhaps there's something I'm not getting.

[compassion42]

Elswyth- I do know what you're talking about. You're right, it doesn't seem necessary to play games. But I find that sometimes we have to shake things up a bit and be out of character to help the other person see that they may be needing to put a little more effort in-and that may mean to not be your predictable self. I wouldn't say it is game playing or lying, it's just taking a different approach. I wish it could be as simple as just saying "this is how I feel" or "this is what I want" but that doesn't seem to work without coming across as nagging or being too clingy.

[dancinggal]

Yeah, Compassion42, that's totally it. Its not about playing games, you're not acting uninterested or pushing him away. You're just doing your own thing, and letting him see that you still have that spark he first fell in love with. You're still there to be with him, but if he doesn't want to be there, then that's cool, you're still going to have a good time.

[love4ever]

There's something I don't really understand about some of the advice given... in a commited relationship, do we really need to 'play games', as in, act not-so-into-him and not-so-available so he'll come to realize what he's missing and turn his act around? I'm not denying it's human nature but... if someone really is your SO, shouldn't you just be able to talk it out with him instead of going around the bush? I mean, it's definitely good to go out and do your own thing... but not with the intention of letting him 'see that you have a life', right?

 

I'm not criticizing anyone or anything here, just genuinely curious about why people would advise that. Perhaps there's something I'm not getting.

 

I wasn't trying to play any games but just re-evaluating how I went about things. I have a tendency to get too attached too early and then get my heart broken....truthfully when I did, I was doing it for myself at first. I did to make sure I lived my own life and didn't depend on him to live it for me.

 

Sorry, if he's not making effort to see you, he is just not that into you. Please forget about him and start dating other people. If he had the same passion for you as you do for him, he'd be coming to see YOU EVERY weekend. He just doesn't have the same passion for you, though, that is clear.

I'm sorry to be direct, but this is clear. At least you know.

don't degrade yourself by calling him and contacting him.

 

No offense but this is the same thing people told me at first....so it may or may not be the case.

All I know is that I'm happily in love with the person that I will most likely marry someday. :love:

[gonetildecember]

Update...

He ended up coming for the whole weekend without me me saying anything. The first night I tried your suggestions... I waited for him to call and instead of saying i miss you i love you throughout the conversation as i normally do, I just talked about our days and what we did and that sort of thing... he commented and said baby what's wrong, you don't seem excited to talk to me. It was funny to me, he immeadiately noticed the change. Anyways.. I basically kept it to that, him initiating calls, and not being so mushy, but was not as rigid with all the suggestions I was given.

 

He decided to come for the weekend that very first night all on his own, just brought it up and said.. u know what i really want to see you, i'll skip the bday thing. I think he realised how important it was to me, but he also knew I am not one to stand in his way so I wouldn't say come... or..else.

 

Anyhow we had a GREAT weekend. just wanted to update u guys and thank you again for your wonderful suggestions.

[dancinggal]

That's so great! Good to hear you guys had an awesome weekend. Am sooooo jealous, can't wait to have fun weekends with my boyfriend. Sometimes boys need to be reminded to put a little effort in. Yay!