2 months NC / Ex starts new relationship / Immediately she texts me

[beau_cauchemar]

There's really no need to go into what has happened in previous threads so I'll just briefly explain.

 

>>>>>My ex from a 3 1/2 year relationship started a fling 2 months back after our breakup 4 months ago. It was just told to me today that the fling has just recently turned into a official relationship. She is 20 and the guy is a 28-year-old recently engaged breakup/rebound. Within a matter of days after having made the fling a relationship, my ex girlfriend texts me today being the first contact between the both of us in about 2 months.<<<<<

 

"Sorry to bother you...wondered if you had a dvd of mine...hope things are well at your new place." (not word for word)

 

I thought it peculiar that she made any contact with me (especially because she never texts) after 2 months NC and after she just started dating the new guy.

 

 

I'm not getting my hopes up in any way, but I would like to at least respond to her for a couple of reason:

 

A) Since she was my best friend for nearly 4 years and it would be rude of me not to respond at all.

B) I don't want her to forget about me.

C) However, I don't want her to think that I'm waiting around or still wanting her back (even though I would like a second chance.)

D) I'd like for her to hear how well I've been doing (the truth) since I left like somewhat of a wuss after the breakup.

 

 

Keep in mind that I'm not looking for this to win her back but I would like to show a confident new me that could be worthy of a second chance. I'm also not expecting a responce from her anytime soon after. The dvd seemed a little weak of a reason to break NC so perhaps with an appropriate/cool response I can have her feel that my door is open...well ajar anyway.

 

 

Text her back, call, or send a voicemail?

 

 

-Me

 

 

P.S.

And don't say "just move on" or "no contact" because that would not accomplish the "A" point above.

[marsbars]

Any one would be good, just depends on how much contact you want. text is pretty impersonal as is vm. but live could be to much.

[beau_cauchemar]

The way I see it (and others can use this for their situations too) how to reply to a text could be broken down like this:

 

Reply Text:

 

Good - Using same method, Easy to dictate/control.

Bad - Impersonal if sender was just trying to break the ice.

 

Reply Call:

 

Good - Could have a spontanious/healthy conversation, the ex's voice could trigger good feelings.

Bad - Could be more contact than the sender was hoping for, ex's voice could trigger bad feelings, could say the wrong things accidentally.

 

Reply voicemail:

 

Good - Easy to dictate, similar to a one-way text with more of a personal touch, the ex's voice could trigger good feelings, neither ex has to talk to eachother if they don't want to.

Bad - Could be more contact than the sender was hoping for, ex's voice could trigger bad feelings.

 

That's the best Pro/Con list I could think of.

 

 

 

Any further advice/help on my situation?

 

-Me

[seven3four]

A) Since she was my best friend for nearly 4 years and it would be rude of me not to respond at all.

 

the key word is "was" ..not responding wouldn't be rude; it would be effective

 

a dvd costs how much? that's prolly not the reason she's contacting you.. make her work for it.

[beau_cauchemar]

Of course I agree with you seven3four that the dvd probably wasn't her motive for contacting me, but "make her work for it?" I'm not trying to play games in the way of ignoring her. I used "was" loosely because it's only due to the breakup and the new guy (mostly the new guy) that we havn't been speaking. Like a falling-out between friends. Besides, I'm not going to reply for another day or so to play it safe.

 

Also, as much as I would like to believe that she's really starting to think about me again, her new relationship just started and I doubt it'll be over this quick. Or maybe not? hmm

 

 

 

Any further advice? I'm sure there are others out there dealing with this sort of contact dillemma.

 

-Me

 

 

P.S.

I still can't get over the fact that she's 20 and he's a 28-year-old recently out of a 3 year relationship and engagement! Can't this only spell disaster?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Well, it goes without saying that 'no contact' is your best bet, but hope is a hard thing to let go of. 'No contact' is easier said than done. The first thing you want to do is make sure that she does not find out how much thought you are putting into something as simple as a request for a DVD back. Treat it like you would any other platonic friend who calls you up and asks for a DVD you might have.

 

Call her back, be very polite and friendly and say something like...

 

You: "Hey, I got your message. Which DVD was it that you were looking for?

 

(She gives you the title, and starts in on other personal conversation)

 

You: (change the subject without answering any of her questions except with vague short answers - after all it is no longer her business, and DO NOT ASK HER ANY BACK OR EVEN SHOW AN OUNCE OF INTEREST IN HER RELATIONSHIP)

 

"Hey, well it was great hearing from you, but I need to run. I'll look for that DVD for you and drop it in the mail. If I can't find it, I'll let you know."

 

(Say goodbye and hang up. If you find the DVD, mail it to her with a sticky note on it saying 'here you go! Take care, Beau' and let that be the end of it. If you don't find it, call her back.)

 

You: "Hey, sorry to bother you but I wanted to let you know that your DVD isn't here. Sorry about that. Talk to you later, bye!"

 

In other words, short, sweet, to the point - and absolutely no personal or relationship talk on either side. If she tries, change the subject. She needs to know that her only access to you is acquaintance level status - no more, no less. She will know how well you are doing, based on your ability not to dwell on the past. How to accomplish that? You don't mention the past or even bring it up, and if she tries to you change the subject.

[beau_cauchemar]

As always Lucrezia, giving me great albiet brutally honost advice. Thanks again.

 

So from what I gather, it's in your opinion to go with a phone call and your method rather than a short-and-sweet voicemail or text of the same tonality? I'm just not sure if talking to her directly is the best idea just yet. I'd like to hold back unless you think a live conversation would accomplish a lot more by having her hear firsthand my aparent indifference towards her.

 

A couple things I understand: OF COURSE not to let on how much thought I put into my reply to her nor talking about ANY relationship issues.

 

Overall, great advice. Perhaps I will give a phone call a try. After all, she's the one contacting me with an almost transparent excuse in order for me to respond. Call me crazy but maybe she'll come around after all...

 

-Me

[LucreziaBorgia]

So from what I gather, it's in your opinion to go with a phone call and your method rather than a short-and-sweet voicemail or text of the same tonality?

 

Perhaps I will give a phone call a try.

 

Do not attempt a phone call, if you think that you cannot be completely impersonal when you do it. You must resist every urge to bring up or discuss anything personal. You have to treat a call to her like you would a call to any of your male friends. No relationship talk. No feelings talk. Just a friendly quickie convo about returning a DVD. You don't have to be abrupt or mean. Just friendly, and too busy getting on with your own stuff to be hanging on the phone talking about hers.

[seven3four]

I still can't get over the fact that she's 20 and he's a 28-year-old recently out of a 3 year relationship and engagement! Can't this only spell disaster?

 

i was 8 years older than my ex AND on the rebound(i was the dumper) and we got on great for a long time.. if she hadn't left for grad school we'd prolly still be together. it's only been 2 weeks but if/when she does contact me as I suspect she will she will be talking to an indifferent stranger. I do want her back, but only under my terms.

 

be polite, not nice ..and let her ring you; not txt.

[jgarrard28]

Wow, this sounds freakishly familiar. My ex rebounded with a 28 year old, she's 19. We broke up 5 months ago. We went almost two months with no contact until late September. She sent me a Myspace message asking if I had finished writing my ebook. Didn't seem too weird, but then she started stalking my site from then on, literally every day. About a week ago I got a random text from her telling me she had my Maroon 5 CD. OK, I don't know what your ex is like, but when my ex does that, I know she wants to see me for some reason. She purposely said that so I would have to come pick it up. I could care less about that CD, I pretty much gave that to her. This is not the first time she's looked for stupid excuses to talk to me and see me. Well, my response to her Myspace message was short and sweet, and I think that bothered her. I decided not to respond to her text message because if she REALLY wants to see me, she's got to come up with something better than that.

 

Dude, I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure with what's going on here. She's scared as hell right now. If she's beginning to get serious with this guy, she's starting to think about you and how she's going to lose you for good now that she's committing to someone else (now that doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't dig this dude and wants to get back with you right away, she's just second guessing herself). Before they got serious, she was in a comfort zone. She didn't need to worry about you and she knew she wasn't in anything serious. Now reality is setting in and it's scaring her. It doesn't help that she's 20. She has NO idea what she wants.

 

You sound like you're approaching this the right way, like I have. I'm not going to die if I don't get her back, but I do want to say the right things at the right time to show her a new me. If she digs the new me and wants to give it another shot, I would be an idiot to turn it down. You prepare for the worst and expect the best.

 

I'd say give her a late response to the text. Be casual about it like it's no big deal. She's doing this because she wants to see you. Chances are she doesn't care about the DVD. So when you do make the exchange, be happy and positive. Show her that you're absolutely fine without her and moving on with your life. In the back of her head she's going to wonder if she made a mistake.

 

I could be wrong about all of this, but from personal experience I think this is what's going on.

[beau_cauchemar]

Wow, this sounds freakishly familiar. My ex rebounded with a 28 year old, she's 19. We broke up 5 months ago. We went almost two months with no contact until late September. She sent me a Myspace message asking if I had finished writing my ebook. Didn't seem too weird, but then she started stalking my site from then on, literally every day. About a week ago I got a random text from her telling me she had my Maroon 5 CD. OK, I don't know what your ex is like, but when my ex does that, I know she wants to see me for some reason. She purposely said that so I would have to come pick it up. I could care less about that CD, I pretty much gave that to her. This is not the first time she's looked for stupid excuses to talk to me and see me. Well, my response to her Myspace message was short and sweet, and I think that bothered her. I decided not to respond to her text message because if she REALLY wants to see me, she's got to come up with something better than that.

 

Dude, I'm not positive but I'm pretty sure with what's going on here. She's scared as hell right now. If she's beginning to get serious with this guy, she's starting to think about you and how she's going to lose you for good now that she's committing to someone else (now that doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't dig this dude and wants to get back with you right away, she's just second guessing herself). Before they got serious, she was in a comfort zone. She didn't need to worry about you and she knew she wasn't in anything serious. Now reality is setting in and it's scaring her. It doesn't help that she's 20. She has NO idea what she wants.

 

You sound like you're approaching this the right way, like I have. I'm not going to die if I don't get her back, but I do want to say the right things at the right time to show her a new me. If she digs the new me and wants to give it another shot, I would be an idiot to turn it down. You prepare for the worst and expect the best.

 

I'd say give her a late response to the text. Be casual about it like it's no big deal. She's doing this because she wants to see you. Chances are she doesn't care about the DVD. So when you do make the exchange, be happy and positive. Show her that you're absolutely fine without her and moving on with your life. In the back of her head she's going to wonder if she made a mistake.

 

I could be wrong about all of this, but from personal experience I think this is what's going on.

 

 

Wow, we do have similar situations. Great advice by the way and I dare say that you could be (hopefully) right about my ex. I knew there was a good reason for writing on this board

 

Anyway **UPDATE**

 

Of course last night when I posted this thread, I went to sleep not having contacted her. When I woke up Tuesday afternoon (around 5pm, I'm an overnight shift) I was surprised to see that she had called around 12. Interesting. Going from texting to calling the very next day.

 

So what did I do? I grabbed a cigarette and a drink and calmly called her back. She dropped her current call and answered my call. Taking you guy's advice I was able to chat with her like she was a mere friend and kept my attitute very positive and answers short.

 

It turns out in addition to the DVD, she had called regarding a relatively useless box of my old stuff in the attic and wondered if I wanted to "pick it up." Since I see her mom to forward my car payments and pick up leftover mail I said that it would be ok for her mom to give it to me. She seemed to be a little dissapointed and remarked somthing about the largish size of the box but I ignored it. I then asked casually how things have been going for her and, without any relationship/feelings being brought up, said that I was glad everything was going well for her. The question was reversed and I explained that things was going quite well for me and that my new place was awesome. After a few cute laughs during some more banter I explained that I had to go and for her to not be a stranger and give me a call whenever she felt like it. She said the same goes for me.

 

That was it. It definetely gave me confidence knowing that I was able to speak to her through the mind and not soley the heart (emotional, bringing up relationships, etc.) Overall I'd say that it worked well in my favor for her to hear firsthand, probably surprisingly, that I was doing well and that it was easy to talk to me once again. At this point I do plan on holding off on contacting her unless I hear from her again. She needs the time to figure things out for herself and hopefully she will come around.

 

 

Thanks again guys for the patience/input!

 

 

-Me