what's the psychological machinery here?

[yes]

My threads keep getting moved, so I'm not sure where to post what, but anyway, let Paul have the fun of sorting them...

 

 

 

I'm wondering about the following condition. I'm sure a lot of people have experienced this.

 

There's a person who's totally wrong for you. They don't care about you, even though they like you; they pay less attention to you than to others; they string you along. You know the situation is terrible, but at the same time you simply cannot get away from them. And the more proof you get that this simply WILL NOT work out, the more obsessed you get with this person.

 

Am I wrong to think lots of people have experienced this??

Doesn't it sound masochistic? Is it that feeling of being obsessed with the impossible that attracts people? Or the frustration? Wth is it?

 

Any insights?

 

-yes

[Tony T]

1. "Am I wrong to think lots of people have experienced this??"

 

I think a number of people experience this, yet. Exactly what percentage of the population does may be hard to calculate. My own personal guess is that it happens a lot.

 

2. "Doesn't it sound masochistic?"

 

Not necessarilly. Hope springs eternal and so many people stick around hoping things will change. In psychology, it's called entrapment. We become glued to situations because each day we think tomorrow is the day things will turn around.

 

The people you describe that these victims seem to be enamored with are most often users who simply take advantage of the admirer and don't discourage them because that would mean an end to the relationship, as when a parasite loses one of its hosts.

 

3. "Is it that feeling of being obsessed with the impossible that attracts people?"

 

That's possible. People like a challenge. But most intelligent people will call it quits after a time. There's simply no good reason to stay in a relationship that is not mutually fulfilling.

 

Users, however, are adept in giving just enough vague hope to keep their victims around. In almost every case, the admired is getting some goodies out of this, otherwise they would have no motivation for associating with somebody they basically don't like.

 

Some really stupid people stay in these associations for a very long time...and there's simply no hope for them. One day, when the admired has gotten enough goodies, they will simply say goodbye and not even think about it. Most often they have lovers elsewhere but never mention their names or talk about their relationships so as not to discourage the victim who they are using and who is holding on to hope.

[Carly]

Sometimes people are stuck on losers because that's the best they believe they could ever attract.

 

Similar to someone poor yet desperate for a set of wheels: They buy a cheapo wreck of a car, knowing that it's not safe, but that's the best they can get and it's better than no car at all. Of course more prudent people would prefer to hold off until they can afford a better car; it is sometimes difficult for the more prudent type to understand just how desperate the others are to own their own.

 

Enough with analogies.

 

Another reason that people invest so much psychic energy on hopeless losers is that it diverts their attention away from more personal issues that require some painful insight in order to become resolved. OK, back to an analogy: It's like terminally ill patients who spend more time caring for others on the ward than tending to the personal issues in their own lives that require some attention.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think your best answer will come from within yourself once you determine whether this is a simple crush…or a perhaps an unhealthy addiction to another person.

 

First, do you feel compelled to be in contact with this man? Do you panic when you think about not seeing or hearing from him again? Have you attempted to break contact, only to find yourself suffering from what feels like withdrawal and finding yourself desperately trying to reestablish a connection with him? In spite of your many accomplishments and appealing qualities, do you question whether or not you are complete, adequate and/or lovable if you are without your connection to this man?

 

Not only is it possible, but it is extremely common for one person in love to become addicted to the object of their affection. It only becomes unhealthy if that attraction turns into an obsession and you are saying to yourself: “I must have this person, I must remain attached to this person, even if this relationship is bad for me.”

 

In reading your post, where you already described your attraction to this man as an “obsession,” I can only gather that you have already come to some clear conclusions. The real question is, do you think you have what it takes to make the break?

[yes]

Luckily, I've already made the break. I haven't had any contact for 3 months or so. However, every now&then, my thoughts go back to him, and I keep wondering WHY because I know me&him is a doomed combination, and I'd never go back to it.

 

Another reason I'm trying to figure this out is I'm afraid of my own reaction should he ever come back and try to use me again. By the way, the reason for the break was that he couldn't get the goodies out of me, hence lost the interest in keeping me around.

 

-yes

[yes]

Carly,

 

I love your car analogy! It's a very good way to view things clearly, and I think that very likely, that's exactly what happened -taking whatever's available right now instead of taking the time to pick out what's really valuable.

 

There's another reason for all this, I believe. I'm a very passive gal, and only the agressive guys went after me, for a long time. Nowadays I can tell when a shy guy likes me, and give him a bit of a hand. But anyway, back then I felt terribly unattractive, and this guy was the first one to make me feel truly sexy.

 

In the end, it's probably all about time. I'll get over it =)

 

-yes

[Carly]

Er, sounds like you are in the driver's seat now. Just drive slowly and enjoy the scenery until you get there.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Do you have an inclination that he might come back around, or might it just be some lingering hope?

 

The "fear" of your own reaction should he come back shows that you are at least aware of your unhealthy attachment to him. One can never take the first steps towards recovery unless they first admit they have a problem. BRAVO! You are more in control of yourself than you give yourself credit! And those nightmare scenarios you conjure up in your head are an internal alarm that will help keep you vigilant should you ever feel yourself slipping back into old behavior patterns.

 

EVERYONE has addictive behavior although most don’t even realize it. Whether it be to a substance, habit, person or situation…we have all been there at one time or another. And the fact that your thoughts keep drifting back to this person is to be expected. People who give up smoking, drugs or alcohol don’t just stop “thinking about it,” but the preoccupation will decrease over a period of time so long as you make the conscious effort to continue to avoid the situation.

 

It’s only been three months. And whether it was you who chose to make the break, or the man who you where obsessed with, the fact remains you are finally free. Be very PROUD of that fact, for there are many people who don’t have the same intestinal fortitude that you do!…

 

[yes]

It's a lingering hope, I suppose. A hope that suddenly he'll come around & treat me well this time & I can let my feelings (read: obsession) run free.

 

But yeah, it's only been three months. I had been after him for about 10 months. So I suppose it's no wonder it's going to take more time.

 

Thanks for your thoughtful replies!

-yes

 

PS Tony! "Users, however, are adept in giving just enough vague hope to keep their victims around." - you hit the nail right on the head. That vague hope is the most frustrating & torturous thing. Hate it hate it hate it. heh!