Porn question

[Cobra_X30]

Yes Cobra, it has been physical. I didn't want to admit it because I still am trying to believe it hasn't happened. This is first time I have actually said anything about it.

 

I am sh*t.

 

I was hoping that wasnt the case!

 

The more you post about your husband the more I dont think your marriage is salvagable. He seems too depressed and lacking in self esteem. If he cant love himself he cant love you, its realy that simple.

 

Moving is a great idea. It probably combines well with divorce.

 

Trust me cause I've seen this before!

 

Are you afriad to be alone?

[Ladyjane14]

I feel like I will never get over the guilt of this if I don't tell him. I also feel as maybe it would be better to take this to the grave.

 

Maybe the thing to do, since you don't have a clear idea of what kind of fallout to expect, would be to go ahead and enlist the aid of a counselor. That way, you'll have some help and support in making this decision of whether you should tell him or not.

 

I'll be honest with you... I do feel like it's only fair for a betrayed spouse to be told. It gives him the opportunity to decide if he wants to stay in the marriage or not, and I think everyone should have a right to make that choice for themselves.

 

But quite a number of people do decide to take this issue up in counseling rather than go it alone. An outside viewpoint might make it easier for you to have confidence in your decision whichever one you come to.

 

I'm not going to tell you what to do. This is a decision that YOU have to live with. I've seen people come to LS, tell the truth, and be very happy they did. I've seen others who wished they hadn't.

 

Why not take this thing one step at a time? You can give it a good start by ending contact with your neighbor, and seeking out expert guidance. You've had one bad experience in counseling... but there are better therapists to be had.

There's no harm in interviewing several in order to find a good fit.

[michaelk]

I feel like I will never get over the guilt of this if I don't tell him. I also feel as maybe it would be better to take this to the grave.

 

I know that if I tell him, he will go postal. Probably kick the neighbor's a*s and righfully so. I know if the neighbor's wife found out, she would kill us both. Just not sure I want to go down that road.

 

I totally understand the fear of telling your husband. His reaction might surprise you - for better OR for worse. People's personalities change under great stress.

 

But as LJ suggested, counseling can really help you air such a difficult issue. When my W and I went, each of us said things that we never could have had the counselor not been there. She was afraid to go at first, too. She thought I was going to ambush her with the news that I was leaving. And she was pleasantly surprised when she found that she was able to be more open with me, and vice versa. And that the other shoe never dropped.

 

I keep trying to distance myself and maybe the feelings between us will go away.

This is a double-edged sword. Without distance, the neighbor will always be there as a temptation. With distance, though, the fantasy of him in your mind can become even more compelling, allowing you to continue to avoid the deeper intimacy issues between you and your H.

 

I'm not trying to be discouraging, but am simply saying that no matter which way you go it's ultimately up to you to find the motivation inside yourself to set aside the affair and refocus on your marriage.

[jtalia]

 

Are you afriad to be alone?

 

Actually, I am not afraid of being alone. Before I chose to get married, I never had any plans of ever being married. After meeting my H, I couldn't imagine not getting married. That is why I do feel I need to make this work. i feel in love with him once, I can again.

 

But you are all right about cutting the ties with the neighor and finding a counselor. Easier said than done though.

[Cobra_X30]

Maybe the thing to do, since you don't have a clear idea of what kind of fallout to expect, would be to go ahead and enlist the aid of a counselor. That way, you'll have some help and support in making this decision of whether you should tell him or not.

 

I'll be honest with you... I do feel like it's only fair for a betrayed spouse to be told. It gives him the opportunity to decide if he wants to stay in the marriage or not, and I think everyone should have a right to make that choice for themselves.

 

Wouldnt you agree that this depends allot on whether or not she decides to make the marriage work or not?

 

The way I see it. If she wants to pull the plug, she can leave and not tell. If she wants to make it work... she kind of has to come clean about this. You cant rebuild a marriage on a foundation of lies... shoot you wouldnt even be able to look in the mirror and like what you see.

 

But remember... from my POV the kids are the most important aspect here!

 

There is absolutely no point in staying in a crumbling, terrible marriage just because your afraid to go it alone.

[Ladyjane14]

Wouldnt you agree that this depends allot on whether or not she decides to make the marriage work or not?

 

The way I see it. If she wants to pull the plug, she can leave and not tell. If she wants to make it work... she kind of has to come clean about this. You cant rebuild a marriage on a foundation of lies... shoot you wouldnt even be able to look in the mirror and like what you see.

 

But remember... from my POV the kids are the most important aspect here!

 

There is absolutely no point in staying in a crumbling, terrible marriage just because your afraid to go it alone.

 

 

I'm for The Truth... always. Even in situations where the decision has been made to end the marriage, I think there are some real positives to be had toward healing once the truth is out. When all the cards are on the table, it allows both parties to draw their own conclusions.

 

But... I have a hard time recommending to people that they throw caution to the wind.

Fact is, people get killed for less than this. There are lots of long-term risks associated with a decision of this magnitude.

 

I'm not prepared to argue my personal opinion with any kind of authority here. I think sometimes it's better to let a professional sort it all out.

[Kenyth]

I feel like I will never get over the guilt of this if I don't tell him. I also feel as maybe it would be better to take this to the grave. My H and the neighbor are very good friends. (well, at least my H thinks so.) He would never in a million years imagine that the neighbor would do this. Of course, I never in a million years would have thought I would have acted on anything like this either. I know that if I tell him, he will go postal. Probably kick the neighbor's a*s and righfully so. I know if the neighbor's wife found out, she would kill us both. Just not sure I want to go down that road. I keep trying to distance myself and maybe the feelings between us will go away.

 

I don't think he would want to divorce me though. He always told me that if I had an affair, he would make my life a living hell and never leave me. He does know I have thought about it because I have told him. He knows that I am working on loving him again. He knows that I have thoughts of being with someone else. I haven't told him that there was a particular guy though. So, if I did tell him I had an affair, he wouldn't be completely shocked. The shocker is who it is with!!!

 

Yes Cobra, it has been physical. I didn't want to admit it because I still am trying to believe it hasn't happened. This is first time I have actually said anything about it.

 

I am sh*t.

 

 

Well, this kind of explains it all. I thought I saw a little glimmer of the full picture. The affair is the taproot of the whiole fiasco. Emotional ripples from such an event travel a long way. I'm thinking deep down, he knows something happened. It's almost impossible to hide the impact an affair has on your intimacy. Although you certainly have a right to be angry with him, this explains your revulsion of him completely. In order for you to have an excuse for the affair to escape guilt, in your mind he has to be a complete @$$hole. Your mind will work to make it so. Just ask people who have cheated. They always have bad things to say about their partners, regardless of everyone else's opinion of them, or their past good history.

[Cobra_X30]

I'm not prepared to argue my personal opinion with any kind of authority here. I think sometimes it's better to let a professional sort it all out.

 

That LJ, is probably the best advice... however some poeple cannot afford professional help. Any idea where to get counseling for cheap... or free?

 

 

I thought I saw a little glimmer of the full picture. The affair is the taproot of the whiole fiasco. Emotional ripples from such an event travel a long way. I'm thinking deep down, he knows something happened. It's almost impossible to hide the impact an affair has on your intimacy.

 

Hmmm... I saw that too, I just misinterpreted it. I think this runs straight to the heart of the teen porn issue. Almost seems hypocritical.

[Ladyjane14]

... some poeple cannot afford professional help. Any idea where to get counseling for cheap... or free?

 

I would think that even if a couple had to pay out of pocket, counseling would still be cheaper than divorce. Too, there's just no way to put a value on the potential costs to the kids in emotional terms should the family dynamic come apart.

 

There are quite a few health insurance companies these days offering mental health benefits, including counseling, particularly in cases where there are doctor diagnosed conditions, such as depression or anxiety.

 

JT might do well to call her member services hotline in order to verify benefits and get a list of preferred providers.

[JamesM]

What I find interesting is that once again someone asks a simple question without revealing all of the facts that could possibly be the cause of the problem.

 

Okay, I was wrong with my earlier responses.

 

 

I am willing to guess that your husband DOES have an idea that you either had an affair or at the least have an interest in the neighbor. This must have had some impact on his self esteem and interest in you.

 

Much as I hate to say this...you are NOT the only victim here. Your husband may have lied and continued his porn, but you have not only done the same and worse, you have made him feel that he is why the sex is no longer happening much. Could your lack of interest have something to do with the fact that you had sex with the neighbor and a) enjoyed it, and b) feel guilty every time you have sex with your husband?

 

I do not mean to be harsh, but this is much more complicated than a simple "My husband watches teen porn" question.

 

It is imperative...IF you want this marriage to continue, then you need marriage counseling. If you would rather move on, then be open with your husband about the affair and see what results.

 

I have had an interest in him since we moved in 5 years ago. It hasn't been until this summer we actually have pursued anything with it.

 

Is this maybe the time your husband's anger became a problem?

[jtalia]

Actually not. He was an angry person way before that. It has just excalated over the last few years. And no, I know he does not suspect ANYTHING with the neighbor. That I am certain of.

 

I am not going to pretend that I am the only victim here. I know what I have done is a lot worse than he ever did. In my own mind I am trying to justify why I had the affair in the first place. I don't want to place all the blame on him. I should have just left way before I let the affair happen.

 

When I intially posted the "porn" question, I wasn't prepared to dive into all this. I was hoping to gather light on whether or not I should let it bother me. That seems to be one of the hold ups on why I haven't wanted to make our marriage work. I know I must sound extremely hypocritical.

 

And yes, counseling is expensive but I do agree with LJ in the fact that it would be money well spent if it was to save our marriage.

[Ladyjane14]

When I intially posted the "porn" question, I wasn't prepared to dive into all this. I was hoping to gather light on whether or not I should let it bother me. That seems to be one of the hold ups on why I haven't wanted to make our marriage work. I know I must sound extremely hypocritical.

 

And yes, counseling is expensive but I do agree with LJ in the fact that it would be money well spent if it was to save our marriage.

 

 

People will argue incessantly here at LS about whether unmet needs are causal to affairs, and how much burden of blame should be doled out to either spouse. In actuality, I think affairs can happen in response to unmet needs and they can also happen in perfectly functional marriages.

 

It's not important how the fire got started... if the fire is still burning, right? These are semantics to be dealt with later. For now, one step at a time is about all you can be expected to handle.

 

Tell you what... if your insurance company doesn't cover "marriage counseling", see if you can have your medical doctor refer you on the diagnosis of anxiety. Sometimes having a diagnosis code makes the difference.

 

You need some specific guidance and support, a sounding board to help you feel confident in your decisions, someone you can share the minutia with. If money is at issue, IC (individual counseling) is better than nothing, right?

 

 

(p.s. Just for S's and G's... yeah, I'd say the "need" to have your husband NOT spend his time looking at teenage coochies is a legitimate "unmet need" in your case. Not excusing your choices, but certainly adding to your dissatisfaction with the status of the marriage.)

[Kenyth]

Actually not. He was an angry person way before that. It has just excalated over the last few years. And no, I know he does not suspect ANYTHING with the neighbor. That I am certain of.

 

 

Don't you believe it. SO's often have valid suspicions, but won't say a peep because there's no evidence. Accusations like that aren't made lightly. Not to mention, they probably don't really want to know the truth anyway.

 

The pent frustration leads to significant anger.

[Kenyth]

Counseling is all fine and good, but I don't see this ending well. He doesn't sound like the type to handle this kind of news well, and it will have to come out sooner or later. She couldn't handle him before she cheated on him. It's unlikely she will be able to handle him after this crushing revalation. He'll be a mess and the household will be unbearable. The OM being a neighbor, there's going to be a confrontation there as well. If he has balls to match his anger, it will get very ugly.

[jtalia]

All the more reason to take it to the grave, right???

[Cobra_X30]

All the more reason to take it to the grave, right???

 

Do you understand what that entails?

 

It will sit in your heart and fester. If you have to look at your husband every day... watch him talk and spend time with a man that betrayed him. It will eat at you!

 

Now you have a shield of rage and resentment. That will peel away in time and this will begin to define you in your own mind!

 

Every little thing will remind you... every action, every sound, every smell.

 

Carefully consider the consequences before taking this path!

[tommyr]

All the more reason to take it to the grave, right???

 

That certainly keeps the focus on his porn habit as "the thing tearing your marriage apart".

 

My earlier comments were along the lines of your marriage being "sick" and that you cannot pick and choose which specific "symptoms" get treated. BOTH of you must put it ALL out there on the table and work on the marriage in its entirety. That is, if you actually WANT a loving marriage with your H. If you just want a pornless roomate, you might have better luck posting a rental vacancy on CraigsList than with your current H.

 

I recommend marriage counseling. It has helped me and wife greatly. But I believe the reason it worked for us is we are both fully committed and we put it all on the table. If you do go, please inform the MC you have a history of communicating (based on your progression of facts in this thread) by focusing only on the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye (H's porn) and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye (your adultery). Matthew 7:3

[jtalia]

by focusing only on the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye (H's porn) and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye (your adultery). Matthew 7:3

 

Good passage. You are exactly right. I am not sure what I will end up doing. I know I need to tell him of the affair. I really do. I just don't know how. I know if we are to go on as husband and wife, he will have to know. I don't want to cause so much hurt to so many people. If I hold it in it will only be tearing me apart. I screwed up, it is my fault. Shouldn't I be the one to carry the guilt? I don't want it to destroy me, as I feel it already has.

 

I am not sure but I feel as if I want to pursue a relationship with my neighbor so it is that much harder to totally avoid him. We agreed that we would never tell a soul. Now it is complicated because we both have feelings for each other..................

[Ladyjane14]

I am not sure what I will end up doing. I know I need to tell him of the affair. I really do. I just don't know how. I know if we are to go on as husband and wife, he will have to know. I don't want to cause so much hurt to so many people. If I hold it in it will only be tearing me apart. I screwed up, it is my fault. Shouldn't I be the one to carry the guilt? I don't want it to destroy me, as I feel it already has.

 

I am not sure but I feel as if I want to pursue a relationship with my neighbor so it is that much harder to totally avoid him. We agreed that we would never tell a soul. Now it is complicated because we both have feelings for each other..................

 

You're caught between a rock and a hard place, JT. Your marriage cannot be healed unless and until emotional intimacy is restored. This isn't something you can divvy up giving a portion to your husband and a portion to your affair partner. Reconciliation is an effort requiring a 100% investment.

 

Emotional attachments aside, neither you nor your neighbor are free to pursue a relationship together. I'll be honest with you here, the idea of choosing between two lovers is heady. But it's also a lie. Each of these two men ALSO has a choice as to whether they want to be involved or not. In this kind of situation, it's easy for a WS (wayward spouse) to dither for so long that they end up choiceless, with the betrayed spouse fed up and GONE and the affair partner electing to stay in their current marriage. You don't have as many choices as you think you do, because your choices are dependent upon the actions of others.

 

Hunny, you are the ONLY one who can resolve this situation you find yourself in, because in reality... you're the one who put yourself into it. You're just going to have to dig deep, garner your courage, and take some positive action. As I said earlier, whether you tell your husband or not is your decision. I'm hoping you'll get some professional help in making it, so I'm not prepared to advise you on that.

 

But... I will recommend to you that you RESOLVE the marriage first and foremost, before you consider any other relationships. Your husband and your kids deserve to be your priority here. And if you don't put 100% into repairing the family dynamic, it's YOU who has to live with knowing it.

[Kenyth]

The only way you can "Take it to the grave." is if you can go on as if nothing happened. You've already proven you can't do that. You can't bring yourself to ignore the OM. You can't bring yourself to sleep with your husband. I'm guessing you avoid intimacy with your husband at all levels on a daily basis. It's already apparent that you blame your unhappiness on him as well. Frankly, you don't have the stomach to keep it covered up.

 

I know it's hard, and I know it's ugly, but I'm guessing you knew that was a strong possibility when you got into it. That's just the way it works in life. After all the fun, someone always hands you a bill to pay. That's why you have to learn to worry about the price beforehand.

[seibert253]

There's only one way this can be fixed, complete and total honesty by BOTH of you. The both of you have problems and all the counseling in the world doesn't help if your not honest. If BOTH of you are committed to working, building, and REPAIRING your marriage, then the two of you can work through this. Yes it's going to hurt, it's going to be painful, but both of you have fractured the emotional and physical trust in your marriage. The damage is done, now's the time to fix it.

God Bless,

[michaelk]

If you avoid resolving your situation with the A, it will resolve itself eventually anyway. The thrill and excitement will give way to extreme stress, especially as the potential consequences sink in. The more stressed you become, the more unstable your M will become, which will just make things worse. At some point, something will give.

 

I recommend you deal with this NOW so you can have a hand in your fate, rather than being swept away by it. As LJ points out, much of what's going to happen is in the hands of your H and the OM anyway. But whether you choose to tell is up to you, and whether you choose to leave your H is up to you. At the moment. And whatever you choose, do it 100%. Put off acting, or take half measures, and nothing is going to be up to you anymore.

[Cobra_X30]

I know if we are to go on as husband and wife, he will have to know.

 

I am not sure but I feel as if I want to pursue a relationship with my neighbor so it is that much harder to totally avoid him.

 

We agreed that we would never tell a soul. Now it is complicated because we both have feelings for each other..................

 

 

So which do you want, your husband or your neighbor?

 

Are you sure that his feelings for you are the same as yours for him? Would he leave his family for you or are you just a booty call?

[jtalia]

So which do you want, your husband or your neighbor?

 

Are you sure that his feelings for you are the same as yours for him? Would he leave his family for you or are you just a booty call?

 

At this very moment, it is my neighbor I want to be with. I hope that I am not just a "booty call" for him as I truly believe I am not. We have talked on several occasions of this issue. But he may just be telling me what I want to hear. I thought of him to be very honest. But I guess when you looked at the secret we have been hiding, it isn't very honest is it?

 

Thanks to all of you for your advice! Whether it was what I wanted to hear or not. When I figure out what I am going to do, I will let you all know and how it turns out.

[Cobra_X30]

At this very moment, it is my neighbor I want to be with. I hope that I am not just a "booty call" for him as I truly believe I am not. We have talked on several occasions of this issue. But he may just be telling me what I want to hear. I thought of him to be very honest. But I guess when you looked at the secret we have been hiding, it isn't very honest is it?

 

Thanks to all of you for your advice! Whether it was what I wanted to hear or not. When I figure out what I am going to do, I will let you all know and how it turns out.

 

Life demands risk. There is only one way to find out what you mean to this man. Ask him for action!

 

Would it truely be so hard for you two to be together?

 

Sneaking around will never acomplish that goal. Life is short, time is running out.