3 year relationship over

[Jamian]

Wonder if anyone can give me advice? I'm 30 years old and my Fiance has now ended our relationship after 3 and a half years. She was a very independent girl and liked to go on holidays, sometimes 3 or 4 a year. She had a 13 year old kid that I would baby sit while she went out in town with her friends, whom she would then stay over night with. The trouble is, I felt uncomfortable with her going on all these holidays. She worked for a school for kids with special needs and would get 6 weeks off evey summer, where as I work in an IT job and have a very limited amount of time off. She would come back from a holiday with her kid and no sooner had she returned before she booked another one and gone on another, sometimes within a week of returning. She was also the kind of girl who, if we were at a family or friends party, would like to go on to a night club, preferably with me, but if I were too tired without me, even with people she didn't really know. I on the other hand am more traditional, if I go to a party, I like my girl to come home with me, or if an opportuntiy for a holiday comes up we, we both go together rather than apart.

 

She explained that her parents were very relaxed that way and that sometimes her mother would go on holiday for 5 weeks without her father and that he was ok with that. I was brought up very differently, with my parents always going on holiday together and only spending at most 2 weeks max away from each other. The reason my ex gave for ending the relationship was that we both had different ideas on how a relationship should be conducted and that neither one of us were right or wrong, that we just want different things. We both have agreed that we really love each other still.

 

She also said to me that if we did get back together (even though she dumped me, got back with me then dumped me again within the space of a week) she would do so with serious reservations about us and that she was unsure I could cope with the relationship knowing that she may not be 100% commited due to those reservations.

 

We agreed that we needed some time apart to think about whether getting back together under those terms would be the right thing to do. She also said that she could not promise that she would not end the relationship again if she could not resolve the feelings of uncertainty she has.

 

I'm at a total loss, I don't know what might be the right thing to do. Do I give it another shot with no guarantee's or do we just stay as we are, broken up. Then just move on? Somebody please help me as I feel like I'm losing the plot!!!

[whichwayisup]

Love isn't the issue here at all, it seems you both love eachother - alot!

 

The thing is, you both have different views of committment/relationship and being together. And, sadly, I'm not sure if either of you are able to change for eachother, to accept things as they are. If you do accept things her way, one day you'll resent her. And, if she accepts things the way you want them to be, she'll resent you and feel trapped.

 

You two could go to couples therapy and maybe some sort of compromise can make things better? I don't know what the answers are, but if she is worth it, then you might as well suggest counselling and see if she'll go with you.